


Unwritten Fate

by CinnamonSecrets



Category: Star Trek
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Captain Spock, Commander Jim, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2017-12-20 08:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 161,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/885085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinnamonSecrets/pseuds/CinnamonSecrets
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim considers what his best option is given that he is no longer the Captain of the Enterprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: Quid pro quo

**Author's Note:**

> This story is a canon divergence after the 2009 movie, where Spock keeps the Captaincy of the Enterprise. I know this is not everyone's cup of tea, but give it a chance! you might like it!

"Are you kidding me?"

 

James Kirk looked at Christopher Pike with wide eyes. Kirk had a hard time understanding why Starfleet hadn't given him the Enterprise after the Narada incident. At first Jim thought, startled, that the Kobayashi Maru trial was coming back to bite him in the ass; but Pike set him straight, telling him that the admiralty thought it was better to leave Kirk as First Officer, respecting the promotion Pike gave him before going to Nero's ship. That also meant leaving Spock as Captain of the Enterprise.

Jim knew that Komack had probably made a big fuss about giving Jim the Enterprise. That man sure could hold a grudge. Since a few incidents involving a girl somewhat related to the admiral (not entirely Jim's fault if the girl didn't give him details about that) Komack had made it his personal crusade to get Jim out of the Academy. And now, his new mission was getting Jim out of Starfleet. Komack was just angry because Jim doesn't bend to his orders (and screwed his… cousin? niece?), and leaving Jim as First Officer was the admiral's way of saying: 'I got you, so either you take it, or you do us a favor and leave.'

Of course, Komack was an idiot if he really believed that Jim was going to give up after all the effort it took to get this far. Sure, Jim hated the decision, and perhaps he'd been very vocal about that, but he was strong-minded and he was going to be the best damn First Officer in the history of Starfleet. Then in a year, Komack will be out of excuses for not giving Jim his own ship. Even if it won't be the Enterprise, that hardly matters. The point is rubbing Komack's face in the fact that he will be the youngest Captain in Starfleet. A year means nothing. He can get the Enterprise when Spock ends the five year mission.

However, when the admirals gave Jim the information about his new promotion (hardly a promotion, he was Captain already), he assumed it wasn't the Enterprise he'd be serving on. After all, Spock _was_ the Captain now (that stung a little, not that he'd ever admit it), and hell will freeze over before Spock wants Jim Kirk as part of his crew.

Bearing that in mind, Jim sorted out his options. Maybe he was being assigned to the USS Archimedes, commanded by Gary Mitchell. Mitchell and Jim had worked together in the academy a few times; they made a good team and they both hated Komack. The Enterprise was Jim's dream, but he could wait to get it.

Furthermore, Jim didn't want to be under Spock's command. The Vulcan was uptight and frustrating, so being First Officer of another vessel wasn't that bad. Especially after seeing Komack's face when he told him that he accepted the position of Commander and First Officer after a drunken night with Bones, who endured his rants about revenge and insubordination. The Admiral was red with rage, and no doubt he was cursing Jim under his breath. Kirk didn't believe in no win scenarios. Being First Officer is a major accomplishment for a cadet fresh out of the Academy. Yeah, it's not the same as being Captain, but it counts, and Komack's stunned face was enough reward for now.

Of course Jim should have known the Admiralty wasn't done with their 'surprises'. Being told who requested him specifically to be part of the crew, Kirk knew it must be a joke. Maybe Jim shouldn't have told Pike all those tales about men in wheelchairs.

Still, this was going too far.

 

"I'm not kidding." Pike took a deep breath. This was going to be a long talk.

"Is this because I gave you that sign for handicapped people, sir? Because that sign is a classic piece from the 21st century, and you should think of the effort it took me to find something like that, not to mention the credits it cost me to buy it for you."

"I have sense of humor." Pike smiled. "After all I was the one who convinced you to join Starfleet, wasn't I?"

"Then I don't understand -"

"You don't have to understand anything. I told you loud and clear. Spock wants you as First Officer on the Enterprise. Aren't you supposed to be the genius who hacked the Kobayashi Maru test? Somehow I'm beginning to question that."

"Well, you must understand my edginess sir; the man you assure me is now requesting me as First Officer is the same man who wanted me expelled in the first place."

"There's a fine line between love and hate" Pike smirked.

"Yeah, thanks, that's even more disturbing. Are you sure Spock, the Vulcan guy with pointy ears and green blood, asked for ME, the infuriating human, to be his First Officer?"

"You know, that comment could be labelled as xenophobic. But yeah, Spock requested you as his second in command."

"Just out of curiosity… the Spock who requested this was a young one, right?" Jim suddenly remembered about the _other_ Spock, and maybe that one had used some mental voodoo to hypnotize the Admirals and make them think that Spock (the younger) wanted him in his crew.

"Yes, Kirk, the ONLY Spock I know of asked for you to be in his crew. I don't know how many Spocks you see in your hallucinations, but I guarantee you, the real one talked to me." Pike looked at Kirk, probably thinking 'Are you dumb?' "Are we done with this? Because I need you to sign the contract for the Enterprise."

"Whoa, wait, wait. I didn't say I'm taking it."

"What? Are you insane? Wait, don't answer that. Why in the hell would you refuse?"

"Because it would mean having _Spock_ giving _me_ orders. Maybe you don't recall last time because you were busy being tortured by Nero, but the guy almost killed me".

"So? Half of the professors in the Academy wanted to kill you. Hell, half of the professors in the Academy _still_ want to kill you. What's your point?”

"My point is that Spock has the strength and the authority to actually do it. I have survival instincts, you know? Spock and I on a ship where he can toss my body onto any desert planet is not a good idea."

"Don't be melodramatic. This is a great opportunity. Do you want your ship someday? Being under Spock's command could do the trick. Komack will be impressed."

"I don't give a fuck about what Komack thinks, he's an asshole."

"Language, Kirk. I'm an Admiral now. I can't allow a First Officer to use offensive expressions about my colleagues."

"Even if I'm right?"

"Especially if you're right. Now sign."

"I'm not signing anything until I've given it some thought. You can at least give me some time, right? An hour ago I thought my commission was going to be with Captain Mitchell, and now you tell me that the person I thought hated me the most in this building has requested me as First Officer. The word _revenge_ comes to mind. Repeatedly."

"Unlike you, Spock doesn't hold onto feeling of resentment. He uses logic, and you seemed the best option for command. If you paid any attention to your Xenobiology classes instead of sleeping with the professor - " Pike waved his hand in front of Jim as a dismissal of the protest the blond was about to make "Yes, I was aware of that, Kirk. Anyway, if you paid attention, you would know that in these days Vulcans are a race of pacifists. They only react violently when necessary."

"Tell that to my neck," muttered Jim.

"You deserved it." Pike gave Jim a hard look. "You want time? Fine, you have twenty four hours. Although you know this is a time of necessity, Kirk. We need the best cadets in the best ship. Spock requested you for a good reason. Don't forget that."

"You're supposed to be on my side," complained Jim, knowing he sounded childish.

"I'm on your side, son," Pike smiled gently. "Now get out, I'm a busy person."

"Yeah, sitting on your ass all day must be exhausting." Jim dropped every word with his best sarcastic tone.

 

Before Pike decided to switch sides, Jim quickly made his exit.

Spock wanted him as First Officer. Damn. Jim needed Bones to get drunk with. And he needed him now.

 

* * *

 

Of course, when he really wants his friend, he is nowhere to be found. But when Jim didn't need Bones to see him in bed with Gaila, he was the first to arrive to the dorm room. Sighing, Jim gave the search a rest, thinking about all the implications of Spock's offer. First of all, the thought of Spock _voluntarily_ requesting him as second in command gave Jim the creeps. It would have been more credible if the Admirals had forced the Vulcan to do this. After all, Komack was always sticking his nose in other people's business. But Pike told him that every Captain has the liberty of choosing the main crew. So that option was out, even though it is more logical that the one where Spock actually wants him.

On the other hand, Pike had a good point. If Jim could be efficient and obey orders like a good dog (well, not all orders, and even dogs bite sometimes), it would mean winning the Admiral's sympathy, and Komack wouldn't be able to delay his promotion. It would be perfect if Spock himself were to give Jim a recommendation. It would be like slapping Komack in the face. If Jim can hold for a year with Spock as his Captain, he may get his own ship as he planned. Even if he signs up for the five year mission, Starfleet can promote anyone who proves to be capable of doing the job and, as Pike said, 'this is a time of necessity.' A lot of ships will end their missions next year, it would be _logical_ to ask for a promotion in that time.

Destiny is an overrated term, and Kirk hated it. But this time would leave his decision to luck. Somehow it seemed right to do it this way. So, if Bones was requested for the Enterprise as CMO, Jim would take the offer. After all, if someone annoyed Spock even more than Kirk, that was Leonard McCoy. The odds of the Vulcan requesting both were practically zero. Unless Spock was a masochist.

It was decided. If Bones is part of the crew on the Enterprise, Jim signs too. That would mean having someone on board who actually liked him or at least tolerated him, and drunk nights were always fun with McCoy. Spock in command means a boring ship, and having his friend serving with him will make that endurable. That is, assuming Bones is part of the Enterprise crew. If he is not, Jim will follow him to whatever ship his friend was assigned. Somehow Jim always imagined his career in Starfleet with Bones by his side. And they'd been through too much just to be separated by different assignments now. In addition, Bones knew Jim's medical file almost by memory. It's good to have a best friend who is also an obsessive doctor.

This new train of thought cheered Jim the rest of the afternoon. He found Sulu in the hallway and he informed him that he was also requested for the Enterprise, along with Chekov. Kirk found this interesting. He had assumed that the only person who had her place assured on the Enterprise crew was Uhura, because she was dating Spock or something like that. Jim didn't want to think about those two in a _relationship,_ since it provoked a strange feeling in him. Borderline anger, but not so intense that he would actually do something about it. The worst part was that Jim didn't have any idea why he felt something sinking at the bottom of his stomach when he thought about them. It's not like Uhura was the only woman in the academy. Still, it was weird. Jim felt like something wasn't quite right between Spock and Uhura. Something was missing. But again, Jim should be taking care of his own business, and not trying to break up the perfect couple.

Walking to his dorm room, Jim wished Bones was there. He couldn't deny a certain curiosity about his friend's new commission; after all it's what would define his future. Opening the door, he was greeted by the sight of Bones reading in one of the beds. McCoy lifted his eyes, frowning at seeing Jim.

 

"About time you show up," said Bones with an edgy tone.

"Me? I was looking for you!"

"I have things to do, Jim; a lot of medical charts need to be updated. I don't have time to check when you need to get drunk. Besides, I though your Scottish friend was the man for that kind of job in these days."

"Oh, come on, don't be jealous. You are still the number one gal in my heart, Bones."

"I'm flattered," answered McCoy dryly.

 

Jim walked towards his friend, sitting across him on the bed.

 

"So, did you receive your assignment today?" Jim asked casually.

"You know damn well I did. I told you yesterday. The question is, did you?"

"Yes, I received mine too. Where were you assigned?"

 

McCoy cocked one eyebrow, curious. Jim was acting stranger than usual. They both knew that Jim was staying as First Officer, Bones was in the front row of the "Komack is a bitch" breakdown that Jim had three days ago when he found out that he wasn't going to be Captain of the Enterprise, but they didn't have any clue about which ship was the one assigned to Kirk.

 

"You tell me first which ship is going to get the bad luck of having you as Commander," said Bones calmly.

"I asked first," Jim smiled broadly.

"So? What are we, ten?"

"Just answer, Bones," demanded Jim.

"Fine, fine, hold on to your panties. I was assigned as Chief Medical Officer for the Enterprise. I'm going to be under the command of the damn hobgoblin, happy? You can laugh now."

 

Jim couldn't believe what he heard. Bones as CMO? What the hell? Did Spock request all the crew involved in the Narada incident? His previous thoughts came rushing into his mind, fast. He'd left his decision to take Spock's offer up to luck. And now with Bones telling him that Spock was, in fact, a masochist, Jim wondered if that was a good idea.

 

"I can't help noticing that you are not laughing your ass off," observed McCoy. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Guess who requested me as First Officer."

"What? How should I know that?"

"That's why I used the key word 'guess', Bones," teased Jim.

"All right smartass… I don't know, Jim… Mitchell? I don't like him, but he is the only Captain who hasn't slept with you or tried to kill you."

"You forgot Pike."

"Pike doesn't count. So, what? Are you going to be First Officer in the USS Archimedes?"

"No. I always thought you and I would be together until death tears us apart, Bones."

"Stop threatening me. And I don't know how that could possibly happen. I honestly doubt that Spock wants you as second in command. The man is not an idiot."

"Well, you'll be happy, now you have evidence to the contrary. He requested me."

 

Jim could barely contain his laughter when he saw how his friend's eyes widened and his mouth hung open. He looked like a pet fish Jim had when he was a kid.

 

"Are you saying that Spock actually wants you on the Enterprise as First Officer? I don't believe you!"

"Why would I lie about it? Pike is waiting for me to sign."

"You haven't signed yet? What are you waiting for? Do you expect for the hobgoblin to beg you in person?"

"I just wanted to make sure I'd be with you, on the same ship. You are my soulmate!"

"Idiot," McCoy scowled. "Honestly Jim, what is the matter? I thought you were already over the fact that Komack didn't give you the ship."

"I'm considering it. You were the one who told me that I shouldn't rush into things. Pike gave me twenty four hours to decide. I have sixteen hours left."

"Well, now that you put it that way, I can see why you're still considering it. Spock marooned you on an ice planet and then tried to kill you; having him as your superior is not going to be a fun ride."

"Still, you said yes," pointed out Jim.

"Of course I said yes; I'm not the one who provokes him by just opening my mouth," Bones sneered. "Besides, this is good for my career, and he even left me choose my staff. It's a huge opportunity."

"So Bones, what do you think? Should I accept too?"

"I'm not the right guy to advice you in this, Jimbo. As your friend, I would say you tell the hobgoblin to shove his promotion up his ass and you'd better start your career with a less _controversial_ Captain." Jim wanted to debate this point, but McCoy shook his head, holding up his hand to stop him. " _But_ as your fellow classmate I would say that this is a big chance, in fact, one of a kind. If your goal is making Komack regret not giving you the ship, this is the best way to do it. Besides, after all we went through, I imagine you'll control that tongue of yours."

"There's actually a rule against fraternizations, Bones," Jim winked at McCoy.

"I didn't mean it like _that_ , you pervert," complained McCoy "but if you take the job, I can make sure to have some kind of disease on hand that also affects the elf, just in case he gets difficult."

"Bones, Bones, didn't you take an oath to actually cure people?"

"It's just a precaution. If it makes you feel better, I have one for you too."

"Some friend you are."

"So, what now? Are you going to take it?"

"I don't know yet. Let's get drunk and see if that helps me clear my head."

 

Even when Bones glared at Jim disapprovingly, the blond knows that his friend would cave. After a lot of tequila shots, and with Bones laying down on the dorm floor soundly asleep, Jim was in front of their sink, wondering what his best option was: throwing up, or just passing out. Somehow his mind decided now was a good time to remember what Spock (the old one) had said to him. The man seemed determined to convince Jim that he and Spock (the younger) would get along and somehow with the mind meld thing Jim could see how it was for the James Kirk of that time. They were really friends, and there was no doubt that Spock cared a lot for that Jim Kirk. Of course Jim didn't expect that to happen in this time, but perhaps he and Spock could reach some sort of understanding. Maybe this was Jim's chance to try something different.

The worst thing that could happen is that next time Spock tries to choke him, nobody will stop him. To avoid that, Jim was going to make sure to be on good terms with all the crew minus Uhura and Cupcake, they would probably help Spock, but at least Jim could probably count on someone reminding Spock that killing a crew member would look bad in his resume.

Dizziness overwhelmed Jim, who stumbled across the dorm room trying not to step on Bones. Finding a bed (his? Bones? who cared?), Jim lay down, deciding sleep was his best option right now. Tomorrow he'd continue with the methodical analysis concerning his decision.

Even though he'd said that if Bones was part of the Enterprise, he would take the promotion, now it seemed like a risk. However, Jim Kirk was a man of bold decisions. The question remained: was this one worth taking?

 

* * *

 

Jim groaned, trying to fall asleep again. There was a buzzing sound that kept annoying him, and prevented him from accomplishing a few more minutes of rest. Who or what was daring to disturb his slumber? Getting up to locate the irritating noise, Jim noticed that Bones was no longer a piece of the floor's decoration. Hearing water running in the bathroom made Jim wondered if his best friend was as hungover as he was. Finally finding his communicator and the source of the noise, Jim sighed. He still wasn't part of any crew, and yet the Admiralty insisted on giving Jim a communicator so they could reach him _anywhere, any time_.

 

"Kirk here." Jim tried to sound casual and definitely not annoyed.

"About time you answer." Yeah, Jim should have seen this coming. It was Pike "I need you in my office."

"What? I still have… six hours to make my decision!"

"I don't care. I want you in my office in fifteen minutes. Pike out."

 

Pike didn't even give Jim time to dispute his order, which was just rude. And Jim hadn't decided anything yet. He remembered parts of his drunken state last night, but the balance was the same. If he takes it, he'll be with Bones and probably Scotty. If he doesn't take it, Jim gets another Captain who is _not_ Spock. It's a hard choice.

Looking as presentable as possible at this time in the morning, Jim wrote a note for McCoy and left the dorm room. Seeing the empty hallway, Jim couldn't help feeling lonely. Before this was the most animated corridor, with people always chatting cheerfully. Now the silence just left an empty reminder of how much is lost.

As soon as Jim opened the door to Pike's office, he regretted it. Spock was standing next to Pike, with his hands behind his back. Seeing that running away was no longer an option since Pike and Spock had already noticed him in the door frame, Jim entered slowly, like he was expecting a wild animal to attack him any moment.

 

"Good morning, Admiral. _Captain_ Spock." Jim swore he tried to say it without sarcasm. Some things were just impossible.

"Mister Kirk," Spock said dryly.

"At ease, _Commander,_ " Pike winks at Jim. The bastard.

"I thought you wanted to see me, sir. If you're busy, I'd be glad to come back later." Jim tried to flee as quickly as possible from that room. Having Spock in front of him was not helping with his choice making.

"See? I told you he can be respectful of authority," Pike smiled at Spock.

"Indeed," answered Spock without any inflection.

 

Jim took a deep breath. He'd only been in the same room as Spock for a minute, and the blond wanted to hit him already. This was not going to work.

 

"I need to get some paperwork from Komack's office." Pike started to approach the door. "Wait here, Kirk."

"I'll go with you, sir." Oh, no, Pike wasn't going to leave him alone with Spock.

"It's not necessary Jim, I can go alone."

"Perhaps I could supervise the advances in –"

"No Spock, you'll stay too. I need your signature on some forms."

"But sir –" Jim made an effort not to sound desperate, without success.

"I'll be back in a minute. You are two grown men, I don't think you'll need supervision." Pike looked at them coolly.

_I wouldn't be so sure,_ Jim thought bitterly.

 

Seeing Pike close the door, Jim felt trapped. He didn't have any clue about what to do now, and watching Spock rigid beside the desk gave Jim the notion that the Vulcan was in the same predicament. Neither knew how they'd survive without any witnesses.

Jim was a tactical genius. He knew it, and the best option right now was trying to make things smooth between them. Even if he didn't take the job, having Spock as enemy couldn't be good. He can choke you when you are on his bad side. Jim sat in front of Pike's desk, watching Spock neutrally. Of course, Spock's eyes are in the ceiling, probably watching some spot he found _fascinating_ or something.

 

"Are you as uncomfortable as I am?" asked Jim suddenly, trying to sound respectful.

"I am not. Vulcans do not have emotions."

"Yeah, I saw that when you tried to choke me on the bridge."

 

Jim knew he'd crossed some sort of line without even noticing it. He could tell as he watched Spock go stiff, and Jim could swear he saw the Vulcan's eyes go dark. What happened to making things smooth between them?

 

"I didn't have the opportunity before, but I would like to apologize to you" said Jim finally "for everything I said that day. It was insensitive and rude, and I felt like a jerk while I was doing it."

"I understood your reasoning. Apologies are not necessary."

"Yeah, well, I apologize anyway. Everything went really fast… and it was like a nightmare. Sometimes I wish I could wake up, and realize I'm still a cadet and nothing happened."

"It is understandable. I desire to apologize as well."

"Don't worry, people are on your side. You're not the first one to want to strangle me."

"I do not doubt it; however, that is not what I meant. During your Kobayashi Maru trial, I used your deceased father as an example –"

"Oh, that," Jim interrupted Spock. He didn't want to talk about his father "I guess you could say we're even. Besides, with the way things are these days, it doesn't make any sense for us to hold feelings of resentment. At least for my part, I know you just said you don't _feel_ anything, but you can see my point. We are on the same side."

"Indeed."

 

Spock actually agreed with him. When Jim told this to McCoy, his friend was going to think Jim was hallucinating from being hungover.

 

"Can I ask you a question?" Jim decided that he needed to know all the facts to know if he was making the right decision, even if that did mean he risked unleashing the Vulcan's fury.

"I believe you already did. You may ask, nevertheless I do not promise you will receive an answer."

"All right, that's fair. Why do you want me as First Officer? Is it guilt over the Kobayashi Maru thing? Is it gratitude for helping you in the Narada? Or is it pity because they didn't give me the Enterprise?"

 

The silence stretched between them for a few seconds and Jim thought Spock was not going to answer him. Then Spock inclined his head, looking Jim right in the eyes for the first time since the blond entered the room, and started talking.

 

"My decision was not influenced by any of those things. I do not know the procedure by which the admiralty decided to leave me as Captain; however, my decision was made on basis of the facts. The Academy encourages having different qualities in the service to complement each other. I could appreciate this necessity better when we reached an understanding and achieved the same goal in the Narada event. I regularly acknowledge that your human nature is -"

"Irritating? Frustrating? Provoking?"

"Yes. Nonetheless, eighty nine point five percent of the crew of the Enterprise consists of humans. Having a First Officer who is also a human would benefit the work environment. In addition, you have one of the highest records in the Academy. You are qualified for the job, and you possess abilities that could be useful in the command. I considered other options, you appeared the most logical."

"And you don't think we're going to kill each other in the near future if we work together?"

 

Spock lifted an eyebrow as an answer.

Hearing Pike getting close, Jim stood up quickly, showing respect (not that Pike deserved it, after what he just did). Jim decided to interpret the eyebrow thing as a 'no'.

 

"I'm glad to see my walls still bloodless," the Admiral greeted them, looking far too amused for Jim's taste.

"Sir, I do not understand, Commander Kirk and I were -"

"Relax Spock, I'm joking. Although knowing Kirk…"

"Thank you sir," Jim glared, offended.

"You know it's true, son. Now, let's get on to business. Spock, you first. Sign this, and you can go."

 

Spock silently signed at least five documents and nodded at Pike respectfully. Muttering 'Admiral', he walked to the door. As he passed next to Jim, he slowed his pace and looked directly into the blond’s eyes again. Jim used all his willpower not to look away, since the Vulcan's eyes were very intense, and Jim could have sworn he saw some sort of glint in those eyes. A respectful 'Commander' was said, and then Spock was gone. Jim was so stunned he even didn't say anything, just stood there, wondering what the hell just happened.

 

"Kirk, still with me?" Pike broke whatever spell Jim was under.

"Yes sir, sorry… I got distracted." Jim blushed faintly without knowing exactly why.

"I could see that. Well? What's your decision?" Pike eyed Jim with curiosity.

"Did you leave us alone so Spock could convince me to join the Enterprise?"

"Do you think I'm that manipulative? I'm hurt, Kirk. I assume your answer is yes, right?"

 

Jim knew that what he said next was going to determine his future.

 

"Yes. I'll sign."

 

Even when he had "no" on the tip of his tongue, something stopped him. Yes, being with Gary Mitchell would be nice, but being part of the Enterprise… it was his dream, even when if he wasn't Captain. And he could get Spock emotionally compromised any time so he could be in command once in a while.

 

"I'm pleased to hear that. You didn't have an option anyway."

"What?"

"The Admiralty decided that if you didn't sign with the Enterprise, you wouldn't serve on another ship. And no, it wasn't Komack's idea, stop scheming against him."

 

As usual, the Admiralty was fucking up his life.

 

"If I didn't have a choice, why did you give me 24 hours?" Jim looked positively livid.

"I know you, Kirk. If I told you that, you were going to get stubborn. Do I need to remind you of your little episode when you heard about staying as First Officer?"

 

That was a good point. Still, Jim felt manipulated. Since he learned about his promotion, he'd considered himself the puppet in the hands of the damn Admirals.

 

"It's against the rules not to give me the opportunity to chose where I serve," complained Jim, but still he approached the desk to sign the papers.

"Yeah, the Admirals were getting ready for the battle. They thought you were going to give a lot of problems. I'm happy to see that you make the right decision."

 

Was it the right decision? Jim no longer knew.


	2. Chapter 1A: Velis nolis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim tries to adapt to his new role as Commander, trying to survive having a Vulcan as his superior.

The first two weeks aboard the Enterprise were stressful for Jim. Spock considered Jim's abilities adequate to work with the security team as chief of strategy. That meant Jim in a red shirt. Of course, being in the academy, Jim knew about the rumors concerning the red uniform. Whoever wore it in the landing parties generally didn't get back. It's only gossip, but every time Jim put it on he wondered if his luck was running short that day.

Working with the security team and helping Scotty in engineering (another ability that Spock suggested he apply on the Enterprise), Jim started to get along with the crew. Most of them were classmates, and luckily the only one with a grudge was Cupcake.

Generally speaking, Jim was adapting to the job, considering that he was not longer in charge and only had to obey orders. He felt comfortable when he was on the Bridge. Even with the looks of hatred that Uhura gave him from time to time. Not that Jim blamed her. After all, he was the jerk who made her boyfriend snap. Still, those looks could be labelled as insubordination, and if Kirk was a hypocrite, he would tell Spock. But he could hardly talk.

Spock, on the other hand, was the image of the perfect Captain: always in control, always calm, with a high sense of duty. It made Jim sick. That didn't mean that they didn't reach some sort of understanding; he and Spock were always polite when they interacted, sticking to a professional tone in every conversation. However, Pike had told Jim he must try to get close to Spock since the relationship between a Captain and his First is essential for success in the missions. Pike also suggested Kirk take the first step to make it happen.

Of course Jim was not going to do it. Becoming Spock's friend was not part of his job and neither was it his responsibility. Besides, it was clear to Jim that the Vulcan was not interested in a closer relationship. They could be professional and efficient, it wasn't necessary to force a friendship with drinking tea and playing chess.

Realizing that somehow that image was frequently in his head, Jim started to get suspicious about it. The first time he imagined Spock sitting across the table in his room, with a board of chess, was when Pike told him to get closer to his Captain. Of course in his head, the room was bigger, different than the one assigned to him. The second time, Jim was talking with Bones about how Pike must be having secondary effects from the painkillers if he actually thought that Jim could be friends with Spock. And after that the image just popped into his mind whenever it felt like it. It was only for a moment, and left Jim feeling somehow nostalgic. Jim hadn't said anything about this yet. The last thing he needed was Spock to believe he's crazy and have a logical reason to maroon him.

 

* * *

 

In the conference room, Jim listened as Spock assigned double shifts for the members of the security team. He knew that they were overloaded, and Giotto frowning in front of him confirmed that this was going to cause a riot in the department. Surprised, Jim noticed Giotto scowling at him, like he was expecting Jim to do something and intercede for the team.

And normally, Jim would do it. Jim would be babbling about how it's idiotic to overload the team with work for the recent events. It wasn't the department's fault, and every member of the Enterprise did a good job under the circumstances. However, Spock did not agree with this, since he expected the department to design new security protocols. That would mean retraining the staff and wasting time and effort, when little adjustments could give the same results.

Nevertheless, Spock was the Captain. Jim knew he had the last word. Since they were trying to be professionals, Jim didn't want to look like he was defying Spock every opportunity he got. Jim wanted to show how much he respected Spock's authority (even when he didn't like it) and that he trusted Spock's decisions (because he didn't have a choice).

Ending the meeting, Spock nodded a dismissal to Giotto, who stood up trying to mask his anger (Jim knew he was going to pay in the next training session). Jim also stood up to get back to his station on the Bridge.

"Commander Kirk, a word if I may?"

Stopping with astonishment, Jim turned around, seeing Spock sitting in the same place as he was when the meeting started. This couldn't be good. How had he irritated Spock when he hadn't even opened his mouth?

Since Spock kept staring at him evenly, Jim sat back next to him as protocol indicated, trying to guess which crazy reason will the Vulcan had now to reprimand him.

"Yes, Captain?" asked Jim formally.

"I noticed your disagreement with my decision regarding the new assignment for the security team."

Damn Vulcan telepathy. Did Spock read his mind or something? Better for Jim not to go there right now, he'd thought a lot of nasty things about Spock during the meeting.

"That's fine sir, we'll adapt to the assignment." Jim attempted to look as neutral as possible.

"May I ask what aspects you found questionable?"

This could lead down a dangerous path. Even with Spock giving him green light to vent his frustrations, Jim knew he must show that he could obey orders and that he could be trusted.

"It's not important, the team can make it. I'll make sure of it."

"That is not what I inquired."

Alright, enough was enough. Spock pushed him to do it.

"Fine, I think your assignment is stupid, _sir._ The security protocols we have now are enough, and the changes you propose don't have any strategy or sense, they only seek to prevent an event like the Narada. I admit we must work on the weak points on the department, but double shifts and retraining are not the best way to accomplish that. We are only _humans_ , we need rest and spare time. We have been working for two weeks without any free time, trying to improve the security on the Enterprise even when we don't have a mission yet. We can get the same result if we modify the procedure without exhausting the security team so when we really need them in a mission they fail because they are fatigued."

Jim took a deep breath as his rant had left him breathless. When he finally looked at Spock, expecting the Vulcan to be ready to nerve-pinch him, Jim was intrigued to see that Spock had only raised an eyebrow. If Spock didn't think that Jim was crazy, the Vulcan must be at least considering it now.

"You have sound arguments. Why did you not voice them in the meeting?"

"Because you gave the orders; you are the Captain."

"Commander, do you think you cannot articulate your disagreement with any decision I make?"

That must be a trick question.

"Look, Spock." Jim decided to hell with the formality "I know you're expecting me to be defying you, and trying to get your ship. I only want to show you that it isn't like that. I don't resent you for being Captain" _at least not much_ "and I'm going to respect what you consider the best for the Enterprise. I want to prove to you that you can trust me."

"I have never doubted your trustworthiness, Commander. However one of the reasons I chose you as First Officer is precisely because of the opportunity of seeing another point of view. You will not be able to do your job if you cannot communicate your thoughts; you are second in command. Your decisions are also important."

For a moment Jim thought Spock was patronizing him, but the Vulcan seemed sincere. Maybe Jim had underestimated Spock too.

"I guess you're right, Captain," Jim said finally. "It's just old habits … they die hard."

"I see. What is your suggestion about the security team?"

"I'll work with cup… with Giotto. If you allow me, I'll assign the shifts in the team, and I'll make a proposal for the protocol. I'll give you a copy of the new schedule for your approval."

"I agree, you may proceed. I must say, Commander, I was rather intrigued by your silence in the meeting. You are commonly more _vocal_ in your opinions."

Spock had a good point. Jim was always saying what was on his mind despite the consequences. Why was he being so submissive now? It went against his nature. Maybe it was because Jim wished to be a good officer, and the fear of failing and being unable to get what he wanted was repressing him.

But being careful is one thing; being passive is another.

"Yeah, I'll get over it," nodded Jim absently.

"Very well. I will expect the suggestion for the security department."

Jim won Giotto's tolerance after he told him about the changes in the department. Even though Giotto still resented Jim for the nickname the blond gave him (cupcake is sweet, almost endearing), now at least Giotto acted like he respected Jim. That was an improvement.

 

* * *

 

Two days after the meeting, Jim was waiting for Spock in the recreation room. Since they always met in the conference room or in the turbolift (their conversations were very concise), Jim decided to change the location to see if that helped to motivate an actual talk. At this time most of the crew were in the mess hall so the Rec. room was almost deserted, giving them privacy.

"I apologize for my tardiness." Spock sat in front of him.

"It's okay, although it's odd for a Vulcan to be late."

"It was not intentional. I was detained in the hallway."

"Everything okay?" Somehow Jim felt some sort of awkwardness from Spock. He didn't even know how he could tell; Spock's face was as impassive as ever.

"I am afraid I forgot a previous commitment and I had to cancel it."

"Oh… well, if it's a problem, we can talk tomorrow on the Bridge."

"It is not necessary. This is important."

"It's not _that_ important, Spock. We can do this tomorrow."

"As I said, it is not necessary. The person whom I agreed to meet must understand the change in priorities the Captaincy brings."

That didn't sound nice, and Jim knew he may be poking his nose into other people's business, but he couldn't help it.

"Let me guess. You had a hot date with Uhura, and she's upset because you cancelled it."

Jim didn't know Vulcans blushed. But seeing the tip of Spock's ears turn green, he could see he was wrong. Or maybe only Spock did so because his human heritage. However, what captured Jim's attention beside the blushing thing was the rigid posture Spock adopted. Now that Jim knew him a little better, he knew that it usually meant the Vulcan was uncomfortable. Of course, this was a private matter, and Spock was reserved. And he must have thought Jim was going to take advantage of this information.

"Relax; I'm not going to tell. It's your personal life, it's your business."

"There are regulations against intimate relationships between -"

"Those are in special circumstances, like if you two broke it up and took the Enterprise with you, and I honestly doubt that will happen. Besides, like I said, I'm the only one who knows and I'm not going to tell. Well, Scotty knows too, but it's likely that he forgot already. Honestly, if it doesn't involve engineering, booze or sandwiches, Scotty tends to block things."

Spock seemed to relax his posture after hearing Jim, but still looked a little bit taken aback.

"So, you cancelled your date with the hottest woman on the Enterprise. I can see why she's pissed."

"It is of no consequence; currently there are other matters to consider."

"I imagine she's angrier because you're meeting with me, right?"

"She was most explicit with her opinion about the subject. Somehow she has an aversion to you, which I find illogical."

"Maybe for you, but she is your girlfriend. It's perfectly normal to hate the guy who provoked you and insulted you. Besides, I wasn't her favorite person before that. When we met, she called me a 'dumb hick who only has sex with farm animals'. In our time at the academy she had the opportunity to see that I don't have any prejudices in who I share my bed with," Jim grinned "but I can see why she hates my guts now."

"She questions me constantly about my reasoning for requesting you as First Officer," continued Spock without commenting on Jim's sexual habits.

"And you feel like you should pick a side -"

"I do not feel -"

"Yeah, yeah, I forgot. Let me rephrase that with male advice. No matter the species, a man must support his romantic partner, even if he doesn't agree."

"Is that so?"

"Of course, that means trust and assurance. If Uhura hates me and wants to talk trash about me, you let her."

"It is disrespectful, you are her commanding officer."

"Yeah, but she is telling this to her _boyfriend_ , not her _Captain._ "

"I am having a difficult time differentiating between those two roles."

"You haven't spent time with her, you two barely ever have shifts with the same free time, and when you two finally got the night off, you decided to spend it with _me_. You can see the problem here." Jim tried not to wince when he called himself a 'problem' in Spock's relationship.

"There are certain events that require my attention. I have not been able to visit the science laboratory either; they are researching a plant they believe could be sentient. The results are most promising."

"And as you are such a good nerd, you wish you could be there."

"I admit I would like the opportunity to be present."

That gave Jim a great idea. What if he changed all the shifts? Maybe he could find a way for Spock to spend time with his _girlfriend_ (and he tried to ignore the small pang in his stomach), and also coordinate extra time for everyone. Jim hadn't seen Bones in a while. Spock made good and methodic strategies, but sometimes he forgot he was dealing with humans, who needed more sleep and free time than Vulcans.

"I was thinking, sir… Could I make a few adjusts to some shifts? Not just in security bur also in the rest of the departments."

"With what purpose?" Spock looks curious with the change of topic.

"We meet halfway. We perform as Vulcans while resting as humans."

"Your argument is illogical. There is no other Vulcan on the Enterprise except myself."

"I didn't mean it literally, and you know it. I meant being efficient according to your standards, but also fulfilling our human needs."

"Fascinating. You may proceed."

"Great! Then I'm going to need two extra days to finish the proposal. I guess I messed up your date for nothing. It's still early, I'm sure you two can do something."

"I think it would be more prudent leave the Lieutenant free for the night."

"In that case, I'm hungry; do you want to join me for dinner?"

"I am not adverse to receiving nourishment at this moment."

Jim blinked quickly, reprocessing what just happened. First of all: Did he just invite Spock for dinner? Secondly: Spock agreed? He must have entered to some sort of twilight zone.

Deciding it was best to just go with the flow, Jim smiled and nodded.

"Let's go then."

They didn't talk much in the mess, but they shared a relaxed silence. Jim noticed a few crew members watching them expectantly, and he understood why Spock had accepted his invitation. They needed to show the crew that their relationship was one of respect and camaraderie; this had to be the first time the crew had seen them together off duty. They needed to be seen bonding somehow. Jim felt slightly annoyed that Spock only wanted to have dinner with him because it was the logical thing to do, which bothered him. He shouldn't care if Spock was with him voluntarily or not.

 

* * *

 

Three days later Jim was having lunch with Bones, when he saw Spock walking in direction of their table. Jim looked around, wondering if the Vulcan was actually going to sit with them. Maybe Uhura was sitting nearby and that was where Spock was heading.

Since Spock stood in front of their table, the Uhura thing was no longer an option. He actually wanted to sit with them.

"May I join you?" said Spock in a polite voice.

Jim glanced at Bones, who only shrugged.

"Of course, Captain," answered Jim quickly.

Spock sat next to Jim, across from McCoy.

"Did you receive my update for the shifts?" asked Jim, attempting to initiate a conversation.

"I did. I revised it and I have some questions regarding some schedules."

"We can discuss it after today's shift if you wanna, I can change a few… hey!" Jim tried to slap McCoy's hand as he reached for Jim's plate, taking a donut from it.

"Here, this is better for you." McCoy put an apple on Jim's plate. "I've told you a hundred times that processed sugar is not good for you. I saw you eating one of these yesterday. You have to take better care of your health."

"You're not my mother," complained Jim.

Noticing how his friend seemed to go pale after he talked, Jim realized what he had said without a second thought, forgetting that Spock was with them. Possibly Spock felt affronted or angry. Glancing to his side, Jim only saw one of Spock's eyebrows raised, but he didn't look upset or uncomfortable. However, Jim knew by now that it was best not to underestimate Spock.

"I do not understand how Doctor McCoy could fulfill the role of your mother, since he is only six years your elder and is not female."

"Well, that's what we think, I haven't see him naked yet to confirm that," joked Jim, realizing that maybe Spock hadn't taken his comment personally.

"You wish," scowled McCoy. "I have to go, but I warn you, no more sweets, got it?"

"You can't know if I eat them or not." Jim stuck out his tongue.

"Oh, I'll know. Your next physical is going to tell me exactly how many of my medical orders you disobeyed, and I'll make sure you suffer for it."

"Fine, fine. Dinner?"

"I'll see you here after Gamma shift." Bones nodded respectfully at Spock. "Captain."

"Doctor McCoy." Spock observed McCoy walking away.

"So, wanna talk about the shifts?" Jim bit his apple, having a small feeling of deja vú.

"I did not know you and Doctor McCoy were in a relationship."

"What?" Jim almost spit the apple out of his mouth.

"I did not mean to pry –"

"No, no, it's not that. Why did you think Bones and I are in a relationship?"

"You appear close to the doctor. You spend your free time with him and the doctor seems concerned constantly about your health and you wellbeing."

"Nah, we're just best friends. Bones sees me as his kid brother, the one he must help out of trouble. He thinks it's his duty to protect me. We had a rough time in the past, and that helped us bond. But Bones prefers females for romantic relationships."

"And you do not?"

"As I said, I'm not picky. I have a lot of love to give," Jim grinned.

"I see."

"If you're worried that I'll hit on Uhura, I assure you I'm not interested in her. I flirt with everyone, it's my way to connect with people, but Uhura can kick my ass, so I wouldn't do anything even if I was interested." Jim left unsaid the fact that he actually believed Spock would kill him if he tried something with his girlfriend. That's a line Jim would not cross.

"I do not find myself concerned about your interest in the Lieutenant. I have observed your interactions with the crew and I can hypothesize that you method for 'connecting with people' as you vaguely put it is sixty point five percent effective."

"That high, huh? Maybe I should write a thesis about it. Make a social study or something like that."

"Indeed. Regarding the subject of the schedules I noticed your modifications in some of the shifts, particularly the schedule of Lieutenant Uhura and myself. Our shifts are mostly shared."

"Is that a problem?"

"I do not understand the reasoning for the change. Above all, you and I hardly have a common shift. In your proposal we share only three shifts per week."

"Is that a problem?" Jim didn't understand what Spock's point was.

Jim saw how Spock tilted his head, arching an eyebrow. Jim was learning to decipher the eyebrow language of Spock, and right now he could tell that Spock was probably thinking: 'Make some sense now.'

"Look, if you and Uhura share shifts, you two can have the same free time to get together or something. Besides, when you don't have shifts together, you can use the free time to go snooping around at the science lab –"

"It is very thoughtful on your part," interrupted Spock, but Jim didn't detect any sign of sarcasm or disapproval. "However, it is not necessary. I believe it is important for the commanding officers to be in close contact during shifts. We need to adapt and reach understandings."

If not for the fact that Spock was the one saying this, Jim would think the Vulcan actually wanted to spend time with him.

"I think we're doing a good job so far, don't you? I don't think it'll make a big difference if we don't share a few shifts."

"They are not 'a few shifts', they are the eighty point four percent of the schedule. As commanding officers, we need to be perceived as a team putting our differences aside. I thought we were building an appreciative relationship. Are you uncomfortable sharing the bridge with me?"

"What? No, of course not. It's not that I don't want to be on the same shifts as you. I just thought you could use the change, you know, maybe make things easier."

"Lieutenant Uhura and I are both professionals. We understand the demands of the job, and we shall adapt to the situation. However I appreciate your consideration to what you thought were my ' _needs_ '."

"Yeah, well, I thought I was _helping._ " Jim tried not to sound bitter.

"I am grateful. However, I wish for our shifts to remain the same."

Jim knew the Vulcan was only thanking him for doing a _bad_ job because it's the polite thing to do. Still, it was weird hearing Spock saying that he was 'grateful' or 'appreciative'. Besides, it' wasn't Jim's fault. He couldn't read minds like Spock.

"So… Are you going to approve the other arrangements then?"

"Yes. I had not considered how reducing shifts could lead to optimizing efficiency."

"At least I did something right," mumbled Jim.

"You do several things 'right'. I hope my objection to your proposal does not give the opposite impression."

"Sorry, I'm not used to this. And to be fair, I though you wouldn't listen to me."

"Vulcans have sharper hearing than humans."

"Noted. Still, you should make time for the Science lab, Spock."

Spock nodded, without looking very interested in Jim's suggestion. Well, at least now Jim felt more confident about the way things were developing. Maybe Jim wasn't Spock's favorite person, but at least Spock tolerated him while they worked together and kind of respected him.

The first missions for the Enterprise were exclusively diplomatic. Fortunately so far they had been successful in the work, and Jim learned a little about self-control and patience. Even so, he always beamed back with at least a minor injury. Jim always had to report to McCoy after every mission when he prevented a dignitary from getting hurt, or tried to get a feline thing from a tree. Bones said that he has the ability to get the dumbest injuries the doctor has ever seen.

Two months on the job, and Jim was surprised he still hadn't been marooned from the ship. True, he and Spock had their differences, and some days the path was very rocky between them, but they had reached an agreement to talk about everything calmly and rationally (Spock was fonder of this than Jim). Spock always checked with Jim for his opinion, and Jim couldn't help feeling part of the command when Spock didn't make any decision without consulting with him.

Without his even noticing, dinner with Spock after some of their shifts had become a ritual for Jim. Mostly they discussed the missions or improvements in the Enterprise, but Jim was feeling more at ease with Spock. Jim sometimes caught glares from Uhura, but it wasn't his fault her boyfriend wanted to socialize with someone else besides her. Some evenings Bones shared the meals with them, and when Spock and Bones got into illogical discussions, Jim smirked when his friend only muttered his insults, thinking that Spock didn't hear them. Well, that's what Jim thought at first, but then Bones told him he was aware of Spock's sharper hearing ('I'm his damn doctor Jim, I must know the basics of his freaky physiology'). But since Spock was too educated to call McCoy out on his insults, Bones felt it best for their Captain to hear them once in a while.

 

* * *

 

In one of their dinners, Spock was giving Kirk the details for the next mission. It looked more complicated than he'd expected.

"Tersu is a hostile planet. It will be the first time the natives allow for the Federation to make contact. It is vital that we maintain our security alert without forgetting we need a treaty."

"I actually read the information Uhura sent, Spock. They sold slaves. Why would we want them in the Federation?"

"Apparently they have recognized the error of their ways, and desire to change with help of the Federation. Admiral Archer sent a list of precautions for the mission."

"In my experience, when you've sold people for hundred of years, you don't just admit 'the error of your ways'," Kirk sighed. "How should we proceed? We stop negotiations when they kill someone on our team, or are we allowed to defend ourselves before that?"

"I see you are returning to your vocal personality" observed Spock dryly, but thinking that the Commander's wariness was logical. "The negotiations are not more important than our team. We are not going to risk anyone in the landing party."

"Alright, I suggest Giotto, Edwards and Cravers beam down with me. I think it's best for Uhura to stay here, since things could get ugly. We'll manage with a translator."

"I will beam down with the team," added Spock.

"Of course you won't."

Spock lifted his eyebrow.

"Protocol dictates that when missions are hostile it is the job of the First Officer to beam down to the planet and take care of the negotiations. I'm sticking to the rules." Kirk must have become conscious of the way he just conveniently forgot that Spock was, in fact, still Captain and phrased his affirmation as an order. Spock was used to that, it did not bother him. However, ii is always essential for Kirk to remember to at least justify his arguments.

"You chose an ill-timed moment to be guided by the rules." Spock was not annoyed about how Kirk once again used regulations to argue against his decisions. That would be petty.

"What can I say? I'm that versatile. Do you agree with my choice of team?"

Spock nodded, still very cautious of the situation. Nonetheless, Kirk was right. Protocol dictated that when approaching hostile planets, the First Officer must handle things to protect the Captain's safety. A First Officer is expendable. A Captain is not. Spock thought that was illogical. It was clear that the commanding officer was as important to the Enterprise as the Captain. In this case, James Kirk was even more important to Spock. He was becoming irreplaceable.

But Kirk was correct in his assertion; it was his job to be in dangerous situations to protect Spock, who was able to protect himself better than Kirk. The irony did not go unnoticed and maybe in the future Spock could change that.

They were two days away from the planet. Spock had planned to have lunch with Nyota. What he did not expect was seeing Commander Kirk already sitting with her.

"T-t… to'h?"

"No, you're rolling your tongue wrong."

"I've never received complains about that before. Some girls love the way I roll my tongue." Spock could see Nyota sighing at Kirk's obnoxious behavior.

"If you want to learn this, you have to be serious about it."

"All right, sorry, sorry. To'lh?"

"That's correct. One down, two hundred and twenty five to go." Spock was able to detect the sarcasm in Nyota's voice. It was better to prevent a probable confrontation.

"Am I interrupting?"

Nyota smiled widely, noticing Spock standing next to Kirk.

"Captain! I saved you a seat." Spock knew that was some sort of Terran cultural reference, but he never understood it when she said it.

"Yeah, I was just leaving." Kirk stood up quickly. "Thanks for the help, Lieutenant. See you around, Spock."

Before Spock could answer, Kirk headed to the table inhabited by Leonard McCoy. They started bantering as soon as Kirk sat down. Spock felt the small urge to join them, but pushed it down quickly.

"Were you teaching Commander Kirk some sort of dialect?"

"I was trying, before he got insufferable. He asked me about the dialect in Tersu. I told him in my report that we're not very familiar with the language since they're not part of the Federation. But basically they combine most sounds with the 't', and Kirk wanted to learn this. With details."

"Since he will be beaming down to the planet, it is logical."

"Yeah, even though he is a quick learner, he's not a linguist."

"He is very proficient. He was helpful in the last mission with his knowledge in Andorian."

"I'm not saying he's not smart. I'm saying he has no skills interpreting languages. He only translates it, he doesn't know the context." Nyota chewed her upper lip. "Besides, I don't like the way he talks to you."

"What are you referring to?" Spock was genuinely intrigued. It was not the first time Nyota had brought up this subject, but usually she was the one to shake her head and say 'forget it', ending the conversation before Spock could answer. He found this disconcerting, since Nyota knew he had an eidetic memory and it was, in fact, impossible for him to 'forget it'. However she seemed to have decided to articulate her opinion on this occasion.

"He calls you 'Spock'." Her tone, Spock conjectured, was disapproving.

"That is my name." Spock was aware that it must have a hidden meaning to Nyota that Commander Kirk used his name during their off-duty time, otherwise she would not brought it into the conversation.

"The crew calls you Captain at all times. He should do it too. He should respect you." Spock noticed how affronted Nyota was becoming on his behalf.

"The fact that Commander Kirk chooses to call me by my given name in our off-shift time is of no consequence. I do not mind. Admiral Pike often requested that I call him 'Chris', even when I thought it was disrespectful."

"Yeah, but Pike is different. Kirk is just… I don't know how you trust him after what he did to you."

"He is reliable, determined and resourceful. He is an adept Fist Officer. It would be illogical to hold some sort of resentment for past events that cannot be changed."

Nyota looked startled by his words, and Spock wondered if it was that strange that he was actually complimenting Kirk. She must have decided it was for the best to drop the subject, since she asked him about the upcoming mission though they had been conversing about an entirely different topic and did not reach its conclusion. She did that when she was upset, but given that Spock hardly knew her reasoning in the matter, he just answered with what he had discussed already with Kirk.

 

* * *

 

"I spoke to my mom, you know?"

Spock knew that having dinner with Kirk usually meant conversation. However this subject was barely on topic, as they had been discussing the benefits of replicators for the last half hour. Spock had found that when he was at a loss about what to answer, he only had to lift an eyebrow. Kirk usually interpreted this as he needed it, and Spock saved time trying to deduce how the Commander expected him to respond.

"She was a Starfleet officer. She was the one who taught me Andorian and Orion. I know people think she went nuts after my father died, but she actually grieved in the most amazing way: she devoted herself to her sons and her job. Anyway, I talked to her, and she agrees. This must be some sort of trap."

"Commander Kirk. Am I to assume you shared confidential information about an upcoming mission with unauthorized personnel?"

"I didn't tell her about the mission, relax. I only asked her about the language and the culture. And I asked her if it was likely for them to contact the Federation. She was clear on that, Spock. Since we don't approve of slavery, and that is their main business, they weren't interested in joining the group. Besides, it's strange. We've been trying to make contact with the planet since we received the mission, and somehow the signal is always off. They specifically requested the Enterprise for the negotiations, and we know nothing about their culture, except that they sold slaves and they have close contact with the Klingons. It's a trap."

"We agreed it was a dangerous mission."

"It's a trap, mark my words Spock."

Spock was aware of the peculiarity in this mission. The Admirals gave the order, but the information available was unhelpful and confusing. Kirk was right to be suspicious. The Vulcan was disconcerted about staying on the ship at least until Kirk made sure it was safe for him to beam down.

They had not been successful in making contact with the planet, and Spock was considering whether beaming down was the correct choice since they had not been guaranteed the safety of the landing party.

Kirk made a valid argument, again sticking to protocol, which Spock found utterly disturbing. Spock wanted to beam down with them, but for now, he would monitor the landing party constantly, expecting Kirk's report.

After Spock saw the team disappear from the Transporter room, he headed back to the Bridge. He was not running, that would be illogical, but he was walking a little bit faster.

"Kirk to Bridge."

"Spock here."

"Captain, everything is fine so far. The planet looks weird, but at least we aren't dead… yet. Giotto sees a group of natives in the area. Maybe it's the welcome party. We'll make contact with them, and I'll report in two hours."

"One hour, Commander."

"Captain, I need to establish the mission parameters. I request two hours." Kirk sounded annoyed but Spock hardly cared. This was a dangerous planet; the Commander had to understand the necessity of the updates on the mission.

"I know you can do it in one hour, Commander. That is the time you have to report back."

Spock could see Lieutenants Sulu and Chekov glancing at each other, hardly containing their amusement and surprise. Spock knew that by Vulcan standards he was looking anxious when he was speaking to Kirk. They could not doubt the Commander's charming smile now, when he had managed to get their Captain to show this side.

"Fine" grumbled Kirk. "I'll report in _one hour_. Kirk out."

Spock pinched the bridge of his nose. If he was human, he would be sighing right now.

"Lieutenant, monitor Commander's Kirk signal. If you notice anything unusual, inform me immediately."

"Yes, Captain." Uhura shook her head, but did not make any other commentary.

Spock was not nervous. Still, with Kirk on the planet for one hour before he would establish contact with the ship again, Spock knew he needed to do something besides stare at Lieutenant Uhura's station. He decided to read the information about the planet again to decipher why a hostile planet that was not interested in the Federation had suddenly changed its mind.

It had been fifty point six minutes since Kirk beamed down to the planet, and they had not received any communication about a disturbance yet.

Of course, knowing Kirk, Spock should have known that would change soon.

"Kirk to Bridge." Kirk's voice was raspy, and he sounded breathless.

"Spock here. What is the matter, Commander?"

"We're beaming back immediately. The negotiations turned hostile."

"I will see you in the Transporter room. Spock out."

Thinking that Kirk would probably be hurt, and the landing party would need special attention, Spock opened his communicator again.

"Spock to Sickbay."

"McCoy here."

"The landing party is returning. Mister Kirk probably –"

"On my way to the Transporter room. McCoy out."

Spock found it efficient that McCoy was best friends with Kirk and knew that when he is involved, medical attention is required too. Leaving the conn to Sulu, Spock entered the turbolift heading to the Transporter room. Somehow McCoy was already there when he arrived.

As the team materialized on the platform, Spock tried to understand what happened down there that left the team in such a hurry to beam back up. Apparently there were no casualties, since the Captain could distinguish four figures. Spock glanced at every form to ascertain injures, but they seemed fine. It was after Spock's eyes caught Commander Kirk's form that he really noticed something wrong. Kirk had a dark bruise on his left cheek, a few cuts on his forehead, and his red shirt was torn. That was nothing new; Kirk always managed to get injured even on the simplest mission. What got Spock's attention was the fact that the Commander was carrying something in his arms. Some sort of bulge.

"Jesus, Jim. Would it kill you if you beamed back without any injuries for once?" McCoy climbed onto the platform, scowling.

"Come on Bones, where's your sense of adventure?" teased Kirk, but Spock could tell the man was exhausted.

"I take it the mission turned out to be more complicated than you expected, Commander Kirk." Spock followed McCoy to the platform.

"You could say that. These guys are real bastards, let me tell you."

"Is that your professional opinion?" Spock tilted his head.

"Jim… what is this?" McCoy stared at the bulge in Kirk's arms, wide-eyed.

"Well… you should know Bones, you are the doctor here."

"Did you _steal_ a baby from the planet, Jim? Are you out of your mind?"

A baby? Spock got closer to Kirk to examine the bulge, and noticed the little hands reaching up trying to catch part of the torn shirt that was in the baby's sight. Looking up at Kirk, Spock arched an eyebrow, clearly indicating 'Explain this now'.

"I didn't steal her. I saved her, all right? They were going to sell her! Look, I'll explain, but first, can you make sure she's fine?"

McCoy directed his eyes to Spock, who nodded in agreement. Even though Kirk is his best friend, the doctor always followed protocol. Spock may not agree with the unorthodox methods and the illogical behavior of McCoy, but at least he shows proper respect.

"So it's a she." McCoy took the baby from Kirk's arms "I have a daughter, you know?" the doctor said to the baby, which Spock found completely illogical, since the girl probably did not understand sentences yet.

As soon as McCoy walked away from Kirk, a loud cry invaded the room. Spock noticed how everyone froze in the place, like fearing that some movement had made the little baby cry.

"What did you do to her?" Kirk frowned, approaching McCoy.

"Nothing, she just started crying!"

"Is she sick? Is she in pain or something?" Kirk reached out to hold the girl, who stopped crying almost immediately.

"Well, it looks that you know how to charm them even in diapers, Jim," McCoy snorted.

"What's wrong, baby girl? Bones is okay, he's grumpy, but he's going to take a good care of you."

"Hey!" complained McCoy. "I'm a doctor, not a babysitter."

"Commander, perhaps is best if you accompany doctor McCoy to Sickbay to assess the infant's welfare. Nevertheless I must remind you that I need full information about what exactly happened on the planet."

"Yes, you can get information from Giotto right now. After I leave the baby in Sickbay I'll meet you in the Rec. room, okay?"

"It would be best if we talk in my quarters."

Everyone in the Transporter room looked at Spock in bewilderment. Even Mister Scott stopped moving after hearing this.

"All right." Kirk broke the silence, and Spock could guess what the Commander was thinking. He must have imagined that Spock wanted privacy to castrate him after stealing a baby. Kirk always assumed that Spock would apply corporal punishment when things went wrong. At first Spock was disconcerted about that kind of behavior, but he could honestly say that he was getting used to it, and he did not know if that was a good sign "I'll go to your quarters then." Kirk looked at Mister Scott. "You took us away from that blasted planet, right?"

"Yes sir," answered Mister Scott happily "as soon as you beamed back we left the planet's orbit at maximum warp."

Apparently Kirk gave orders before he beamed back without consulting Spock. Spock knew that the Chief Engineer was more comfortable obeying orders from Kirk than from Spock. But if Kirk did not give a good explanation about his reasoning for kidnapping a child and making the Enterprise run from the place like fugitives, Spock was going to order Mr. Scott not to obey any orders from Kirk until further notice and he would consider some of Kirk's suggestions for reprimand.

"I'll explain, I promise," Kirk smiled apologetically to Spock, almost if he read the Vulcan's mind.

Spock nodded, watching McCoy and Kirk enter the turbolift with the baby in Kirk's arms. Turning around, Spock looked directly at Lieutenant Giotto, who seemed anxious.

"Lieutenant Giotto, please follow me to the conference room. You will brief me on the events on the planet."

"Yes, Captain."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to the wonderful Anbessette who is the official beta for this story and has to endure my rants. Thank you for reading!


	3. Chapter 1B: Ad astra per aspera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Amanda what?"
> 
> "Is her name. Amanda."
> 
> "You named her? Jim! I told you not to get attached! She is going home, and you'll get your heart broken for the first time if you're not careful."

The ride from the Transporter room to the Conference room was in absolute silence. Sitting in front of Giotto, Spock expected for the Lieutenant to start speaking. Seeing that it would not happen, Spock realized that not every member of the crew was as easy going as Kirk.

"What happened, Lieutenant?" Spock started questioning.

"Well, sir… we landed on the planet, and there was a group of natives expecting us. The Commander made the introductions, but Edwards noticed that they were carrying weapons, and the one who looked like the leader got angry. He was expecting you, sir. He said that the Federation promised that the Captain of the Enterprise was making the negotiations."

"I see. It was a trap, then?" If Kirk was right, he was going to be insufferable.

"We don't know what they wanted, sir. Kirk… I mean, Commander Kirk said that he was capable of managing the negotiations, and that he had the authority too, but then one of them shot Edwards. They had weapons and they somehow blocked out the transmitter's signal. Fortunately Commander Kirk made Edwards duck; we didn't have time to get our phasers out when we were outnumbered."

"Did Mister Kirk not indicate you that it was a hostile mission?"

"Yes, sir."

"And did he not say that you needed to be aware and defensive in every moment?"

"Yes, sir, but we –"

"Then I am afraid we are misunderstanding each other, Lieutenant; if you were aware of the situation, how is it that the natives found the opportunity to even _shoot_ at one of the security members, let alone hurt Commander Kirk?"

"Well, the Commander wasn't exactly hurt in that moment sir. Mister Kirk indicated it was best to let things settle, and see what they wanted. They took us to a building, but we were surrounded by a bunch of natives, and we didn't see much. They were talking in their language, and since they took our translators and communications devices, we really didn't understand anything. Well, except Kirk. He kind of understood a few words."

"Commander Kirk," reprimanded Spock.

"Right, Commander Kirk. We were put in some sort of room, and when they left, Commander Kirk told us they were planning on trading us for the Enterprise with you, but they didn't know how to operate the communicator. Apparently they didn't expect our technology to be this advanced, when they managed to block out our signal."

Repressing a shudder, Spock wondered why someone on that planet would have some sort of grudge against him. It was like Nero all over again.

"Continue," ordered Spock, trying to remain calm.

"Kirk gave us orders. As soon as our captors entered the room, we were going to take them by surprise. I thought they were really stupid, since they didn't even handcuff us or immobilize us, but Kirk said it was because given that we didn't put any resistance, they thought we were weak without the weapons. They underestimated us."

Spock recalled an earlier conversation with Kirk during one of their dinners, forgetting to scold Giotto for not calling Kirk by his title. Kirk was talking about the new experiments in the warp factor, and Spock expressed his interest in knowing how much information Kirk possessed on the subject. Kirk said that one of the basic things in the command is to pretend to be dumb, and just let people believe what they want.

Now Spock understood the real value of the premise.

"Kirk then said that as soon as we took the phasers and communicators, we should escape and make contact with the Enterprise, beam back to the ship and inform you of the situation. Apparently the device that blocked the Enterprise's signal was in the building and if we got at least 50 meters from the building, we could make contact with the ship again."

"I am assuming that when Commander Kirk said 'you', he did not include himself in the action."

"That's right, sir. When I asked him about it, he said he needed to do something first, and that we should tell you to give him one hour staying in the planet's orbit. If he didn't report back in that time, you should go away and tell the Admirals about the slavery and how they wanted to ambush you."

"The slavery?" Spock did not remember Giotto mentioning something like that.

"Oh, right, sorry, sir. Kirk explained about how they wanted telepathic species, and they knew you were a Vulcan. I think they wanted to capture you and sell you, I don't know how; you are the Captain of the Enterprise; it was an idiotic plan."

"We can conclude they are not intelligent, Mister Giotto." The Lieutenant's briefing made less sense to Spock when he continued speaking.

"Kirk knows more about the slave thing, sir; he just told me basic stuff in case he didn't return to the ship. We disarmed a few natives, and Kirk went to the opposite side of where we were."

Giotto said that Kirk ordered them to beam back. But the first contact with the ship was from the same Kirk. That means that Giotto disobeyed orders.

"Why did you not make contact with the ship?"

"When Kirk got away, all he natives in the building went after him; they didn't even pay any attention to us. He needed help."

"You disobeyed a commanding officer's order?"

"Yes, sir. I'll take the heat for it."

"I beg your pardon?"

"He means he will take the blame and the punishment you see fit for it," interrupted someone's voice.

Turning around, Spock saw Commander Kirk in a fresh uniform, with a bandage on his right wrist.

"You took too long, and when Scotty told me you brought Giotto here, I had to make sure you didn't tear him a new asshole."

"I am not capable of –"

"I'm joking, Captain. I can continue with the briefing, if you don't object."

Spock considered it best to obtain the full information from Kirk. He nodded his dismissal at Giotto, who looked almost fearful of the Captain's reaction. Maybe Kirk's joke was something to reflect on, even though it was truly crude.

Standing up, Spock glanced at Kirk, who sat down at the same time.

"We agreed to talk in my quarters."

"Oh, right. I though since we were here… but, all right, probably you want privacy for my punishment too. I hope it'll be kinkier than the one offered to Giotto." Kirk actually winked at Spock, who only blinked. "Come on Spock, relax, I told you I flirt as a way to connect. Although I can see my efforts are wasted on a Vulcan."

Without bothering with an answer to the remark, Spock headed to his quarters, followed by Kirk.

"You're awfully quiet, Spock. That means I'm in deep shit, right?"

"My silence is not in any way related to the fact that you are covered in –"

"Yeah, I get it. Jeez, and I thought Bones was the worst part of this mission."

Spock did not have any comment on the matter. For some reason Kirk felt that whenever he did not do something by the book, Spock was going to castrate him, punch him or transfer him. He even guessed rather colorfully what Spock thought of him, without having any solid evidence. Spock knew Kirk was insecure about his performance, but was mostly afraid of doing something to break the strange balance they had reached since they embarked on the mission.

Spock could understand those feelings, since he had a human mother. Humans need reassurance, and the Admiralty took that when they give Spock the ship, even when Kirk was the one making the right choices. For Spock it was completely irrational that the decision was reached just because a few Admirals have some sort of differences with Kirk. That was the problem when you worked with humans. They always let their emotions decide, and do not admit when they are wrong. Behind all his cockiness, Kirk needed approval.

But he was also brilliant, and Spock did not use that adjective too often. He was efficient, and brought stability to Spock's command. He would be a great Captain someday. Spock was cautious when they started the mission. He listened to his counterpart and did what he thought right at the time. But his counterpart was explicit when he said that Kirk was the Captain and Spock was the First Officer. Spock wondered: Could they have the friendship that would define them both if the roles were reversed?

Glancing at Kirk, who was standing next to him waiting for Spock to open the door, Spock concluded that every experiment has different results, and this one was inconclusive as of yet.

"Man, it's hot in here. I know you're Vulcan, but that can't be healthy."

"My body temperature is higher than yours. This temperature is perfectly regulated for my comfort. I can modify it if you require."

"Nah, that's okay, it's like being in a sauna with clothes."

"Please, sit down." Spock pointed at his desk without understanding whether 'being in a sauna with clothes' was something good.

"That's a good sign. If you wanted to castrate me, you'd need me standing up."

"As I have told you the last four times, I do not have any intentions of using corporal punishment." _Yet_.

"Too bad." Spock could see Kirk getting that obnoxious smile that had no effect on the Vulcan whatsoever.

"Commander, if we may proceed?"

"Right, business first, pleasure later. Giotto told you about the natives getting wild?"

"He informed me that they captured you and you decided to go fetch something, which I am assuming was the toddler in Sickbay."

"Wow, talk about getting to the point. Long story short: We beamed down, they were expecting you, they got pissed because I told them that I was the one in charge, and then I heard them talking about how they needed you for a transaction and if they didn't get you, they couldn't trade the baby, I located the baby, I rescued the baby, we beamed back."

"I would like to hear the long version, Commander."

"Fine," Kirk sighed, looking oddly resigned, "they were planning on taking the lading party hostage, but expected you to be in it. They have some sort of hypospray, I'm sure it was an inhibitor. They were as strong as you are, if the punch to my face told you nothing when we beamed back. That's why when they took our phasers they thought we were surrendering. I heard them talking, but I only understood small bits. What I concluded is that they kidnapped the girl, but she's important or something, so they needed some sort of backup plan. They thought that if they captured you, the Federation was going to give in their demands, because you're the Captain of the Enterprise. And you're Vulcan. They also expected you to help them with the baby. Bones said she's Betazoid, and you know that they can die when the emotions surrounding them are mostly negative –"

Now everything made more sense than when Lieutenant Giotto gave his information. Apparently Kirk didn't want to share too much knowledge with the team, since it was a delicate subject and potentially risked breaking relations between Betazoid and the Federation.

" – so I told the team how get use to our advantage and escape, but of course they wanted to tag along because where's the fun in just beaming back and being torn down by you?" Spock realized Kirk had stopped talking.

"How did you know where to find the baby?"

"They were stupid and kept talking because they didn't think we could understand them. Fortunately the girl is okay; Bones said she needs to be monitored for the night. Look, I know I made a hasty decision, but I couldn't leave her down there. She could've died."

"I do not question the morality of your decision. It was the best course of action with the available information. I shall inform the Admiralty about the failed mission."

"We rescued a baby. I hardly call that a failure. And nobody died; I call that a win-win situation." Kirk stood up. "I'll be in Sickbay, then."

"I was expecting you to witness the briefing," Spock suggested before making it an order. Kirk was the officer in command on the planet. He had to explain everything to the Admiralty.

"Why? I already told you everything. You're more diplomatic than I am."

"You were in charge on the planet. They need your input."

"I assure you, Komack doesn't want my input."

"Commander Kirk –"

"I'm not winning this one, right?"

"I believe you are correct." Finally they understood each other.

As soon as Spock ordered an open channel to the Admiralty, Kirk was glaring at the screen, looking almost dangerous. Spock started explaining the details from the landing party and then cued for Kirk to detail everything, warning him with an eyebrow to behave.

Apparently Kirk either didn't understand that or decided to just ignore Spock, because as he was talking, Spock noted the Commander's impolite tone of voice.

For some reason, the Admiralty was almost pleased with the result, and asked to speak with Spock privately. Since it was a clear dismissal, Kirk turned to the door, inclining his head slightly as a sign of politeness.

Spock was almost certain the Admiralty knew more about the mission than they let on, and as they explained the real purpose of the contact between Tersu and the Federation he could not help but remember a colloquial phrase that Kirk was very fond of using: Bullshit.

 

* * *

 

As soon as Jim stepped out of Spock's room, he bolted to Sickbay. Bones had explained him that the girl was really attached to him, and he somehow calmed her. He must have had some sort of gift, since Sam's son was the same. He only stopped crying when Jim held him.

When Jim entered the medical bay, he could see Bones near an incubator, reading a PADD.

"How's the girl?"

"Ah, so Spock let you live," McCoy mocked him.

"I'm far too valuable for him to kill me."

Bones rolled his eyes, approaching Jim.

"She's fine. M'Benga said you rescued her just in time. Congratulations, you're a hero once again. Now fuck off, I have things to do."

"Language, Bones, she's a baby."

"She's sleeping, and I recommend that you don't get too attached to her. She's not a pet, you can't keep her."

"I know that." Jim looked almost offended. "I'm just worried."

"Since she's Betazoid, she probably created a mental link to you, being the first person she encountered with actual good feelings. Or something like that. M'Benga thinks it's beneficial for the child, but I'm not sure if you'll be able to let her go if you get too close. I know you."

"Come on Bones, I'm not stupid. A starship is hardly a good place for a baby. And maybe she has parents, or a family. She's not mine, I got it."

"As long as you _really_ got it." Bones looked at Jim suspiciously. "Although the girl really likes you. Maybe you could visit her and –"

Before McCoy finished his sentence, a loud cry invaded the room. Jim almost ran to the incubator and the girl looked up expectantly.

"She has dark eyes," Jim admired. "I really didn't notice it before."

The girl extended her little hands, reaching out for Jim, who didn't need another sign and took her in his arms.

"What did I just tell you?" McCoy looked grave.

"Come on Bones, she just likes me. I see no harm in letting me take care of her. Sickbay is no place for a baby, and I watched my nephew a few times. I know babies."

"I have a daughter. I'm more qualified to watch her," refuted Bones.

"Yeah, but the baby doesn't like you. When I'm on shift, I'll bring her here, all right?"

"She needs to feel safe." A blonde nurse stood behind McCoy. "Doctor M'Benga said that, and the Commander seems fit for the task."

"Thank you nurse Chapel, your input is always appreciated," McCoy scowled.

"You're welcome, _doctor."_

Deciding it was best to just leave them be, Jim headed out from Sickbay thinking about the things he would need to make the baby comfortable. He hadn't been this worked up since the birth of his nephew.

As Jim reached the turbolift, he noticed Spock heading out, and when he saw Jim entering, he returned too.

"I was looking for you, Commander. We need to make contact with the Betazoid embassy."

"All right, I'll leave the girl with –"

"Actually, we need the infant too. Apparently the baby's mother was abducted from a public transportation when she was heading to her home planet. The father was killed during the abduction and the mother died in childbirth. The only reason Tersu made contact was because they wanted to exchange the infant in a trade with Betazoid. Having the Captain of the Enterprise as a negotiator would have guaranteed getting what they expected. Tersu has been hostile to Betazoid for years. They have been planning these events for a significant amount of time, even expecting the conception of one heir of the highest families."

"What did they want from the trade?"

"They appear to be in disagreement with the Klingons. They needed empaths for counterattack. At least that is what the Betazoid embassy assumes. As you could see, the natives on Tersu were reserved. It is fortunate that we rescued the baby without even knowing the ultimate task at hand on our mission."

"So, the girl is a big deal on Betazoid, then? Is she like a princess or something?"

"You could say the comparison is apt. She is important to Betazoid."

Jim involuntarily held the girl closer and she only stared at him with curiosity.

"The Admiralty knew about her, right? They knew about the kidnapping and they sent us without even telling us what we needed to do."

"They thought it was best for us to just make contact and see how things evolved from there. It would have been precarious if we let the natives know we were there for a rescue mission more than a negotiation."

_Assholes_ , thought Kirk, watching the baby smiling at him.

"What if you beamed down? They could have killed you!" Jim was not sure why he was getting angry. It's not like Spock was his friend. Maybe it was the principle. They had no right to just send them without even knowing how dangerously things could have turned out.

"I believe the Admirals were counting on your constant desire to stick to protocol on the landing parties," Spock said matter-of-factly.

"Is that sarcasm? You do that on purpose! You know nobody will believe me if I tell them you're witty."

"The infant seems to have bonded with you." Spock changed the subject, but Jim knew he was confirming his point indirectly.

"Yeah. Bones said she formed an empathic bond with me because I was the first person who made her feel safe. But I know we have to get her back home."

Spock remained silent during the ride to their quarters. The Betazoid ambassador was almost shining with happiness after he saw the girl, and Spock gave orders to change course to Betazoid immediately. They'd have the baby for three weeks, even at warp 5 (which was the maximum speed Spock allowed when they were not in a life threatening situation).

Jim found his routine changed for the better. The girl was energetic, and Jim talked to her easily (of course that must be because she really didn't understand much). When he dropped her in Sickbay before his shift, she cried, but after two days she started to get accustomed to Bones, and she even let him hold her a few times. The entire crew was awesome in their own particular way. Scotty built her a crib and tons of weird toys (that Spock confiscated as he considered them 'unsafe' for the girl). Sulu and Chekov babysat her and told her stories. Uhura spoke to her in several languages and even the security department stopped by every chance they got to see her.

She could be a Kirk. She certainly had the charm.

Spock started showing up in Jim's room every night before the girl was put down to sleep. Bones and M'Benga gave their opinion (more like an order) about how the girl spending time with a touch telepath was beneficial for her in her empathic development. Spock argued a few times, but eventually caved when the girl reached out to touch his ears (it was all Jim's doing. He stood too close to the Vulcan so the girl, with her natural curiosity, tried to touch them) and she giggled. Bones was stunned and Spock went rigid. Still, he made a new routine, spending most of the night with Jim when the girl was restless and just didn't want to sleep. They talked a lot about the ship, and sometimes about family. One night they didn't even notice the girl asleep in Jim's arms until the clock marked three in the morning.

Jim assumed it was easier for them to just talk when the girl forced them to keep their emotions in check.

 

* * *

 

Spock was meditating, when he heard a low whimper. Blinking, he noticed how the whimpers became louder, and he knew the girl was upset about something. He stood up, knowing it was too late for her to even be awake, and took his communicator out to ask the Commander what was happening in his room.

"Kirk here." Spock bent his eyebrow at noticing how drained Kirk sounded.

"Spock here. Is something wrong, Commander?"

"Spock, you couldn't knock on my door and see what the problem is?" Now Kirk was back to rudeness in less than five point three seconds.

"I did not want to intrude." Spock found it unreasonable to have to explain his reasoning. When did common courtesy become questionable?

"Actually, I was about to call you. I don't know what happened, Amanda just started crying."

Spock did not know what disturbed him the most: Kirk naming the baby or Kirk naming the baby after his mother. Walking to the bathroom, he decided it was best to confront the problem once and for all.

"I am coming to your quarters through our communal bathroom. Spock out."

Spock was about to reach the doorknob when the blond opened it. Spock saw the child crying lowly, not like the time in the Transporter room. In a sudden motion, Kirk got closer and put the child in Spock's arms before the Vulcan could even object.

"What do you feel? Is she sick? Do your magic and tell me!"

Spock was about to explain that he did not in fact make 'magic' and that touch telepathy was just an evolutionary feature, but then he sensed the girl's distress and kept quiet, closing his eyes. She was sad, suffering because Kirk was sad too. Like in every connection, she could feel what Kirk projected emotionally, and he was in torment. Spock sent all his comfort and calm to the baby giving security. Two minutes and forty seconds later, the girl finally stopped crying. When Spock opened his eyes, he looked down and noticed the baby just staring at him, expecting him to do something about Kirk's distress.

"Well?" Kirk was still standing too close to them, looking wary.

"She is well."

"I can see that. She's looking at you rather intensely. You two gossiped about me in your head or what?"

"That would be illogical; the girl does not understand our language yet."

"Amanda's smart, she understands everything."

"That is because she is an empath. Why are you persisting in calling her Amanda? We do not know her real name."

"You said they kidnapped the mother, so she doesn't have a name. She needed one. But let me tell you, she is picky. I told her she required a name, and started giving her options. Of course when I said my mother's name she only frowned in her particular way. There's only one Winona Kirk in the world, I guess. Then I said the name of every girl I remember dating, and then classmates from the Academy. It was when I blabbed about calling her 'Spockina' in your honor -" Spock opened his mouth to state that he did not need any kind of repayment to his honor when Kirk just continued talking "Yeah, she didn't like it either, but since that got her attention, I said your girlfriend's name and then your mom's name. When she heard 'Amanda' she actually smiled Spock, with giggles and everything. She approved. I approve. Do you approve?"

Spock was at loss for words. Kirk must have thought he made some sort of sense, but for the Vulcan he had just talked three minutes and twenty seconds without giving a good reason to name her, least of all after his mother. Sensing a hint of enjoyment, Spock looked down at the girl in his arms. She clearly approved of the name, as Kirk had stated.

"Then Amanda Kirk it is." Evidently Kirk interpreted Spock's silence as approval.

"The girl does not need your family name. She has a family of her own."

"Yeah, in three weeks she'll get another one. But until then, Amanda Kirk it is. Come on Spock, it gives her a feeling of belonging. Can you imagine how hard it was for her to be separated from her mother at birth and then being around a bunch of nasty people? This actually helps her with her empathy thing."

Spock knew it was illogical to feel uncomfortable with the fact that Kirk named the girl after his mother. After all, it was just a name, and the girl reacted rather gleefully when Kirk called her that. It would be detrimental to forbid something that was evidently beneficial for her, even though Spock sensed something twitching in his mind when he heard his mother's name with the Commander's family name. Furthermore, knowing Kirk, he would not care about Spock's objections at all and would call her that incessantly just to bother him. Spock made up his mind to never give Kirk any more encouragement to be additionally insufferable when he was already bad enough on his own.

The girl was obviously connecting with Kirk. However, in the back of his mind, Spock could feel the girl connecting with him too. It was slightly disconcerting to have someone tugging on his mind gently, and yet it felt right. It gave some odd sensation of familiarity.

"You're a natural," observed Kirk with a smile. "You look good with a baby in your arms."

"I do not see how having an infant in my arms improves my aesthetic appearance."

"Yeah, you wouldn't see it. Put her in the crib, I doubt she'll cry again. We already took so much of your free time this evening."

"I would be amenable to conversation if you are not tired. The girl –"

"Amanda" interrupted Kirk.

"– the girl often falls sleep faster when we interact around her."

"Are you saying we have boring conversations?" Spock could hear the amusement in Kirk's voice. "All right, let's chat. Come, sit down."

Carefully, Spock put the girl down in the crib next to Kirk's bed. He immediately noticed a feeling of absence, even though he still felt the girl in his mind. Not giving it a second thought, Spock sat in front of Kirk, who already had a cup of tea in front of him.

"Did you see how Bones was glaring at me in the mess? I think he's jealous of Amanda." Kirk started chatting as he was used to doing when they were alone.

"I do not believe the doctor has negative feelings towards the girl." Spock tried very hard not to twitch when he heard Kirk calling the girl 'Amanda'. "Did the child wake you with her distress?"

"Uh? Oh, yeah. I heard her crying, and when I lifted her she was almost screaming. I don't know why."

"May I ask if you were having unpleasant dreams?" Spock knew humans dreamed and, according to Nyota, they were not always nice images.

"Nightmares? Mmm… I think I was having one, yes. Why? Is that what caused Amanda to cry?"

"It is likely, the girl is an empath. She felt your anguish and wanted you to stop the reaction."

"Oh God. Am I hurting her? Is she better with you? I never wanted to –"

"Commander, it was an isolated incident. Since it was the first time the girl cried, I assume it was also the first time you had an unpleasant dream around her. It would be radical to leave her to the care of someone else when she is already accustomed to your living habits." Even when Spock thinks they are irrational and somewhat unhygienic as he sees an undershirt laying on the floor.

"But I don't know when I'm going to have nightmares. It could be any day. I don't want to upset her."

"I believe the girl will demand you to stop in a similar method as she did tonight. You just need to calm down next time before you hold her."

It was a strange event to see Kirk panicking like he did now. He was usually controlled, even when he did not feel that way. Spock admired that in the human. In the short amount of time he had known Kirk, he could describe him as 'passionate' and 'overemotional'. The fact he could control his overbearing emotions when he was required to was noteworthy given that even Nyota has that difficulty on occasion. The only emotion Kirk still had problems controlling was irritation. He always turned a fascinating shade of red and started yelling. Spock let him until the decibel level rose too loud and hurt his sensitive ears. However, Kirk composed himself as quickly as he got angry. For Spock it had been appalling and interesting to witness that side of the Commander.

Kirk then did something totally out of character. He talked about the unpleasant dreams. Spock would have assumed that since it was a sign of vulnerability, Kirk would be as evasive as possible about the subject. He surprised Spock once more when he shared how he felt seeing the images in his dream, and he asked Spock if he dreamed. He did not, and listening as how Kirk described some dreams, he was grateful for his Vulcan heritage. It must be upsetting visualize things that were not under your own control. Kirk said he had bad dreams once in a while because of a traumatic event he suffered as a child, and left it without further explanation.

Spock could not help but wonder what event could be traumatic enough to make Kirk look deeply uncomfortable when he brought it up to explain the nightmares. It bothered Spock that Kirk suffered something so dreadful that his blue eyes went shady and his smile was gone. The worst part was that Spock did not understand why it troubled him so much. Kirk was not a deep friend but merely an acquaintance.

Nevertheless it was something in which he was willing to help Kirk if the nightmares persisted. Even if they were not friends, Spock was the Captain, and the welfare of the crew was his responsibility.

 

* * *

 

Jim knew a rumor had started on the ship about how he and Spock were planning on adopting Amanda and being a happy family aboard the Enterprise. He also knew that Bones was behind it. At least Uhura took it with sense of humor, and only smiled uncomfortably when she heard it.

Still, it's weird when you walk in the hallways and people keep smirking at you and whispering about how all they needed was a baby to complete the bond. As if Jim had a relationship with Spock before. He only tolerated him, and Jim honestly couldn't tell why the Yeomen assumed they were having a romance before the incident with Amanda. In moments like this Jim wished for Spock to come out of the relationship closet and announce that he was happily involved with Uhura, meaning Kirk was single and looking. Jim wanted to end the gossip, but Spock didn't look upset or annoyed. Jim wasn't sure if he had already heard the rumor, but if he didn't do anything, why did Jim have to chastise the crew for the small amount of fun that they were having?

That didn't mean Jim was going to leave McCoy alone. He had to pay for starting this mess. After the shift ended, Jim left Amanda with Sulu and headed directly to Sickbay.

Bones was in his office, with a bunch of PADDS.

"Bones!" Jim said enthusiastically, forgetting that he was supposed to be angry with his friend.

"Hey Jim. Where's the hubby?" Bones smirked.

"Really funny. All the ship is gossiping, you know?"

"Come on, you and Spock have been joined at the hip lately. Rand said you two looked adorable walking through the hallways with the girl."

"Amanda."

"Amanda what?"

"Is her name. Amanda."

"You _named_ her? Jim! I told you not to get attached! She is going home, and you'll get your heart broken for the first time if you're not careful."

"I can't help it Bones. I feel really connected to her. Spock says it's because she's Betazoid, and I was the first person who gave her the feeling of protection. And the way I see things, she's going to be the closest thing I'll ever have to a daughter."

"I can't argue with that. Still Jim, she is not yours; you better keep your distance."

"It's too late for the lecture, but I'll be fine. I've survived worse things."

"I can't believe you named her after your mother-in-law." McCoy changed the subject, knowing how Jim needed it.

"Knock it off. You're lucky Spock doesn't seem to have heard the gossip yet. And for your information, she chose that name."

"Yeah, sure thing, she chose it. You know we're going to reach Betazoid in two days, right?"

Jim felt how his throat tightened. He didn't want to think about how in two days he would lose the nicest thing that happened to him in the Enterprise so far. The girl helped the crew bonding, it's for sure that he is not the only one who will miss her. But he will miss her the most.

"Oh my god, stop being such a girl!" Bones looked mortified.

"I am not! You're going to miss her too!" Jim defended himself heatedly.

"Yeah, but I'm not going to cry about it. Better make sure the hubby's nice to you when you leave her on Betazoid. He must take care of his upset wife and wipe away your tears."

"I'd like to see you saying this in front of Spock," challenged Jim.

"He'd just be nagging about how my statement is illogical since you are not married to him and you are not female. Therefore he has no obligation to wipe your tears, and your conduct is improper for a Commanding Officer."

"Hell, it's almost like hearing Spock in person! You are being influenced by our dear Captain too, Bones, and not in a good way. Did you spend the night thinking up adjectives or something?" Jim looked agape at McCoy.

"No need. I have a file with everything I need right here." McCoy held out one of the PADDS. "I'm not letting the hobgoblin toss all those fancy words around without giving him a few of my own too."

"We could teach him how to curse," suggested Jim, knowing how hilarious it would be if Spock tried to learn how to say 'shit' without bringing up physiology.

"Save the dirty talk for the bedroom, Jim," sneered Bones "although I don't think your hubby will approve of that filthy mouth."

"I'm leaving!" Jim stood up angrily.

"Good. Don't get more attached to the baby. I don't want you moping in the hallways when she's gone."

Jim knew Bones was right. The girl had a family, and she needed to be in her home. That didn't mean he wouldn't miss her. She made everything easier: talking to Uhura, agreeing with Bones, bonding with Spock. Jim didn't want to go back to Uhura barely tolerating him, Bones always getting on his nerves, and Spock being all professional. He wanted things to stay the same even without the girl.

But of course that was delusional. They only acted that way because the girl forced them to.

When Jim sees Spock standing outside his room with Amanda in his arms, Jim couldn't help the big smile in his face. He was going to take advantage of the situation for as long as he could.

"Captain, is something wrong?"

"Lieutenant Sulu informed me he had to go to the botany lab, and solicited me to bring the girl to you. He told me to notify you that he already fed her for the night. He also winked at me; I do not know if that was part of the message."

Jim laughed lightly. Good thing Spock apparently didn't know about the rumors, or the wink thing would have made more sense.

"All right, thanks Captain. I bet Sulu was afraid of asking you to bring her."

"I would classify the Lieutenant's behavior as apprehensive at first. I do not understand the reason, since he is a proficient member in the crew."

"They respect you too much." Jim opened the door "Do you want to come in? I'm going to teach Amanda how to play chess."

"She cannot hold a chess piece, let alone understand the rules."

"Well, you can witness how Amanda defies your logic."

Taking the girl from Spock's arms, Jim entered his room, sensing how Spock was walking closer to him. Jim sure would miss this.

After Jim explained the rules of chess to the baby, who only watched him with boring contemplation, he put a piece in one of her small hands. Automatically the girl put it in her mouth, giggling.

"I don't think she got it right," Jim smiled tenderly.

"I did not know you played chess."

"Is it so surprising? I'm not stupid, you know?" Jim knew Spock was a logical guy, and that he only saw the rebellious and insubordinate side of Jim, but he expected that by now Spock at least would not underestimate him.

"You have proven to me on several occasions that you are, in fact, intelligent. I just have not seen you playing in our spare time."

"Oh, I don't have anyone to play with. The computer is boring when you figure out its pattern." Jim took the piece from Amanda's hand. "All right, that's enough chess for you."

"We are going to reach Betazoid in thirty six point four hours, Commander." Spock looked blankly at the girl.

"I know. Bones already told me that I need to get my act together when we drop her. I'll just miss her."

"She seemed to have had a positive effect on the crew. I am sure they all will be feeling her absence."

"Can we keep her? She's just so adorable."

"She is not a pet, Commander." Spock bent a disapproving eyebrow at Jim.

"Bones told me that too. You two are getting too alike for my taste," teased Jim.

"There is no need for insults, Commander," said Spock in his best neutral tone, but Jim knew better. "You did a good job taking care of her. Now it is her family's responsibility."

"You can call me Jim," the blond suddenly blurted out.

"Excuse me?"

"You've been helping with Amanda, and even when I changed her diapers you called me 'Commander'. I prefer being called Jim when I'm off duty. After all, I call you Spock."

"Because you cannot pronounce my family name."

"I could if I tried. And I would still call you Spock. It won't kill you to use my first name."

"Your first name is James." Apparently Spock will let go the lecture about how in fact it is impossible to relate his mortality to using Jim's first name.

"Come on, Spock! You said you wanted to be more familiar with human customs, this is one of them." Jim looked imploring.

Before Spock could comment, his communicator buzzed.

"Spock here."

"Captain, I have an incoming transmission from Betazoid requesting you."

"Patch it to my quarters, Lieutenant."

"Yes, sir."

Jim nodded to Spock as a goodbye, watching him disappear through their joined bathroom. At least he used that more often. Jim stared at the baby, sighing. He would have to say goodbye for good soon.

 

* * *

 

Two days later, the landing party was ready to beam down to Betazoid. It consisted only of Spock and Jim, who was carrying the baby. They didn't need security, since Betazoid was a Federation planet, and they were just delivering the girl. Spock was patiently waiting as the crew said their farewells to the baby.

" _Ad astra per aspera._ " Uhura touched Amanda's cheek gently.

"You better stay healthy and eat right," McCoy smiled, looking down at the girl and patting Jim's arm.

"Commander, you have the toy I made for the wee lass, right?" Scotty asked behind his console.

"Yes Scotty, I'll give it to her family. A little gift from the Enterprise." Jim tried to smile, hiding how his chest felt so tight it was getting hard to breathe.

"We have to beam down," interrupted Spock. "Mr. Scott?"

"Aye, aye Captain."

After beaming down, and being almost suffocated by a bunch of gleeful Betazoids speaking in their language, Jim felt a man take Amanda from his arms.

"We are immensely grateful for your help, Captain Spock, Commander Kirk. She is the most expected child in our culture."

"Amanda," Jim couldn't help himself from saying. "We named her Amanda."

"Amanda." The Betazoids looked at each other in what seemed like a meditating state. "She is Amanda already. She accepted the name, we shall not change it."

For some reason, that made Jim feel better. He'd gifted her with something that she'd always have.

They took the girl away from them, and the Betazoid ambassador explained how Betazoid extended its support to the Federation, and in a reciprocating action, they'd allow Amanda to maintain the bond she created with the members of the Enterprise, sharing their culture through her.

"That means… I mean, I was wondering… Can I get in touch with her, then? You know… call her or something?" Jim felt like kicking himself for sounding so insecure in front of Spock, but in this moment he couldn't care less about how much the Captain disapproved of his behavior.

"It would be an honor, Commander. It would be beneficial for her if you contact her when your schedule allows you. You are, of course, invited to come and see her whenever you want. We are grateful for your help, and Amanda will be happy if you remain in her life. We are making an open invitation to the Federation, and particularly to the Enterprise. You are brothers to our culture."

Somehow that made the lump in Kirk's throat less tight. The ambassador invited them to a celebration, but Spock, always the diplomat, declined politely and stated that they need to get back to business since they just spent three weeks travelling doing nothing but bringing them their kid. Jim handed over the toy Scotty built for Amanda, and he almost laughed out loud at seeing the ambassador's face. Clearly he didn't have any idea about what the hell it was; and honestly, neither did Jim.

After the farewells (the Betazoids were far too emotional for Spock's taste), they beamed back, noticing that everyone was expecting them.

"We can call her if we want to," said Jim to reassure them "and the name stuck. She is officially Amanda."

That seemed to lighten the mood, and everyone started chatting about how much they'd miss her.

"I am sure the girl will develop into a healthy, promising child," stated Spock carefully, perhaps because he noticed Jim still standing on the platform even when everybody else was already heading to their posts.

"Amanda will be amazing."

"Indeed."

As Jim watched Spock walking away from the Transporter room, he agreed with McCoy. He had a broken heart for the first time in his life. And he wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.

 

* * *

 

After his shift (and after filing the tons of reports Spock requested. He thought being second in command meant less paperwork), Jim strode into his room, and the first thing he saw was the empty crib still in his room. He specifically told his Yeoman he wanted it out before the end of Gamma shift. Jim approached the crib, feeling nostalgic. He just left Amanda eight hours ago. He couldn't be this emotional already.

Jim was taken out of his thoughts by a light buzz on his door. Expecting Bones with a bottle of Vodka, Jim opened the door quickly.

What he didn't expect, however, was Spock standing on the other side, looking almost nervous (in his Vulcan way, of course).

"Spock! What brings you here? Wait, did I miss one report? Because I'm pretty sure I gave you everything you asked for." And somehow Jim felt that was more literal that he would like.

"I am not here on any Enterprise related subject. I understand you play chess, and I was wondering if you are amenable to playing a game since we are both off duty for the night."

"You are asking me to play chess? With you?" And Jim thought watching Spock holding Amanda while talking about nourishment in human food in a scolding way would have been the freakiest thing in their interactions. He had a hard time not staring with his mouth wide open.

"Affirmative. Unless you have a previous engagement, I would not be averse to rescheduling." Spock seemed to have noticed the stare, and was not comfortable about it.

"No, no. I just… well, I didn't think you would like to continue with… you know? Never mind. Come in. This will be the first time I'll beat a Vulcan in chess."

"You seem overconfident. I assure you Vulcans are exceptional players, since it is a game of logic."

_Something you clearly don't posses_ , that went without saying, but they both know it was implied.

"That's what I'm counting on, Captain." Jim closed the door, getting the chess board.

As Jim watched Spock sitting down, the image of Spock and he playing chess and drinking tea was back in his mind. Perhaps they were not so different after all. Perhaps there was a small chance for an epic friendship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you know, Anbessette is the beta of this story, so a big thank you with flowers and balloons to her. Also, from now on, in the chapter summary I'll put excerpts of said chapter since I suck and I'm in no way creative enough to write an individual summary for each chapter. And I suck, did I say that already?


	4. Chapter 2A: Temet Nosce

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Wait… Jim and Sulu are going to get married?" McCoy's tone was mocking.
> 
> "No, of course not." Nyota blushed. "They just are going to adopt the plant."

Commander Kirk expressed his expectation that the Enterprise was going to get more 'exciting' missions after rescuing a baby and making Betazoid a strong ally for the Federation. Unfortunately for him they were again on 'borings assignments' as he called them. Spock tried to demonstrate how diplomatic events should not take more than two days and were not dull, but given that Kirk was not fond of tact and Spock found the Commander's snorting and complaining aggravating, they reached an understanding. If the planet did not specify for both of them to be involved in the negotiations, they took turns beaming down to the planet. The Commander tried to send Spock on all the missions that were labeled as 'not dangerous' and leave the rest to him, but after what happened on Tersu Spock was not going to let the Commander beam down to a hostile planet alone again. Last time he came back with a baby, Spock did not want to imagine what the Commander could do in other scenarios.

In addition, it was good for Kirk to learn how to behave on diplomatic assignments. Even though the Commander described himself as a 'man of action', Spock required his First Officer to get more involved on every mission despite the fact that they sounded 'boring' to Kirk. The vocal complaints from the Commander had to end eventually, or at least Spock expected them so.

Spock noticed Kirk getting more involved in everything regarding the ship. While Spock observed him, he perceived how the Commander was wary at first, only doing as he was told. Spock considered the successful rescue of the Betazoid baby the event that changed the dynamic on the Enterprise, plus it created a more relaxing environment for the humans. The Bridge was filled with small conversation which Spock often found illogical, but the crew always asked his opinion. Kirk explained that it was a way to be more 'incorporate' with them. Well, the Commander used the word 'bond' except Spock did not agree with the choice of term.

Spock usually ate his meals either with Nyota or with Commander Kirk. Today, however, Nyota was translating the new mission request from the planet that they are going to reach in two days and Kirk was helping Mr. Scott with a transporter malfunction which made them both unavailable. Sitting by himself in the mess hall was somewhat puzzling as he had gotten used to be accompanied most of the time. Nevertheless Spock knew it was illogical to have a preference for company. He used to sit alone all the time, even in the Academy. This time should not be different. His mother had often told him that he felt 'lonely' when he expressed disconcertion because his classmates avoided him, which led Spock to just adapt to the situation and stop sharing those kind of thoughts with his mother, who always wanted to label his concerns with human feelings.

Spock knew he was half human, nonetheless he had chosen the Vulcan teachings and control. His mother eventually understood this and supported him in his decisions. Still, Spock had come to accept that he was not part of any culture. Even though he was half of both species, he was considered too human for the Vulcans, and too Vulcan for the humans. He was, as his mother was fond to say, even when it was illogical, 'one of a kind', and that meant a solitary path.

Spock saw Lieutenant Sulu approaching his table. He was probably going to eat his meal with Ensign Chekov, but glancing to the side, Spock did not see the Russian anywhere near.

"Captain." Mr. Sulu stood in front of Spock "May I join you for lunch?"

Spock was intrigued. The crew preferred to have their meals with acquaintances. True, sometimes the Lieutenant and the Ensign shared the table with him and Kirk, although Spock had concluded that it was because Kirk was friendly with them, while Spock, in Kirk's own words, was 'uninterested'. Spock nodded and watched the Lieutenant taking the vacant chair in front of him smiling while doing so in a mode that seemed careful.

"Since the Commander is with Scotty, and Chekov is with Lieutenant Uhura, I thought we both could use the company," explained Sulu.

Spock was about to tell the Lieutenant that he did not need company and it was no problem for him to have his meals alone; then he remembered how Kirk explained that sometimes his logical statements sounded like 'blowing people off'. In one of their chess matches Spock made a comment of how spending his time with Kirk was no different to spending time revising reports, and Kirk looked almost offended. The Vulcan had just wanted to point out that he had finished the reports and there was no need for him to be 'rescued' from the task but Kirk took it to mean that he was bored with their chess games. It took two hours of trying to decipher the Commander's colloquial language and a checkmate on Spock's behalf before they finally reached a common ground.

Delicacy was an ability Spock needed to develop to be Captain of the Enterprise. He was working with humans, and they took offense at almost everything that sounded reasonable. It must have been difficult for his mother to adapt to the Vulcan culture.

Deciding that he did not know what to say to the Lieutenant, Spock remained silent. Sulu did not look angry and he did not seem to expect a response from Spock.

"I read all the information available about the upcoming mission. Thank you for choosing me to beam down with the team, Captain."

"There is no need to thank me, Lieutenant. You are a botanist, you are the most qualified to be part of the lading party." Spock still had difficulties understanding why humans felt it necessary to be grateful when they had no reason to be. Spock noted how this illogical routine had incremented as he took the Enterprise's Captaincy.

"I know sir, I'm just excited. If the readings are correct, that plant could cure a lot of the diseases that so far are only controlled. I don't have too much medical knowledge, but after seeing how everyone in Sickbay was almost dancing I can tell it will be a great breakthrough."

Spock had a hard time imagining Doctor McCoy 'almost dancing'. The doctor was one of the most rude and irritable humans Spock had met. He also was aware of the human tendency to exaggerate everything. For them 'everybody' or 'nobody' meant most people or a few people.

"Well, the majority of the staff," said Sulu like he'd guessed Spock's thoughts. "Doctor McCoy only loosens up when Commander Kirk is with him. But he was less grumpy than usual, that counts."

The Lieutenant kept talking about the plant and hypothesized about the blossoms while Spock listened.

 

* * *

 

Jim caught up with the gossip after he finished helping Scotty. Apparently Sulu and Spock had had a lunch date, moreover they'd even talked. You couldn't have any privacy on this ship. Stepping into the training room, Jim saw Sulu wiping his forehead with a towel.

"Sulu, did you have fun on your date?" Jim winked at Sulu, who smiled in return.

"It was less than six hours ago. How come everyone is gossiping already?" Sulu sounded amused.

"We're bored; people need more fun apart from the clubs. So, did you finally get over your fear of our dear Captain?"

"It isn't fear, it is respect. He is a Vulcan, he's different from humans."

"Let me tell you a secret, Sulu. Here on the Enterprise, we all are the same. Vulcans, Humans, Orions, Andorians… we all serve for the same purpose. Sure, he is the Captain, that doesn't mean he's not part of the crew too. And you saw it, he's pretty laid back."

"I wouldn't call him 'laid back', but he wasn't bad," agreed Sulu. "Are you training, Commander?"

"I told you, it's Jim off duty. And no, I just wanted to know how the date went. Chapel said you looked as if you actually met your famous crush."

"Jealousy doesn't suit you, Jim." Sulu shook his head.

"Hey, I've been monopolizing the Captain. I know how to share; I'm glad you finally got over your shyness towards Spock."

"I'm glad you got over your grudge against the Captain. Honestly, I thought being on the Enterprise with you two on command was going to be hell."

"Yeah, that seemed to be the general point of view," conceded Jim "and for the record, I never had any grudges against Spock. He wasn't the first one who tried to expel me, and at least he had a somewhat logical reason."

"Well, the way you two kept looking at each other when we were fighting Nero it was almost like hate."

Hate? Jim had never hated Spock. Not even when he marooned out of the ship. Hate was a strong word. Jim didn't go around hating people for things that could eventually be fixed. But listening to Sulu, Jim had to agree that he and Spock had showed antagonism from the first moment they saw each other. What they felt was not hate, it was mistrust. Spock couldn't trust the wild cadet who hacked his program. Jim couldn't trust the Vulcan who tried to get rid of him.

And yet, they worked together and found a way to get a basic understanding.

"Don't worry Commander, now you two are very close. The best friends are the ones who start on the wrong foot." Sulu put the towel around his neck. "See you tomorrow."

"Good night. I'll be monitoring your mission since it's Spock turn to beam down."

"I thought you said it was a 'boring mission with boring plants'."

"You're right, but Chekov is going to miss you on the Bridge given that Uhura's beaming down too. I'll keep him accompanied."

"You better leave him alone and don't try to coerce him into some of your shore leave planes. He's still a minor."

"He'll be eighteen soon enough, he needs to live."

Sulu grabbed the towel on his neck and threw it directly at Jim's face.

"Hey!" Jim complained.

"Good night, Commander."

Sulu walked away from the room, still smiling. Jim was satisfied with the way things were developing. He was not staying on the Enterprise for the five year mission, but at least the year he was going to share with this crew was looking interesting.

Jim was thinking about who could take his place when he requested his promotion. Bones was out of the question, and Uhura needed more field training. Maybe in three years she could do it, but now she was not the right choice. The only Lieutenant who had potential for the job was Sulu, since Scotty had made it clear he wasn't interested in a promotion of any kind. Jim had tried to approach Scotty to see how he felt about taking his post if something happened, and he looked affronted. Scotty had a strange relationship with the machines, and the prospect of leaving his sacred space was a punishment for him. He started rambling about how he was efficient and had done nothing wrong when Jim hinted about the promotion, and even when he was the most experienced, Jim couldn't force Scotty into the promotion if the man didn't want it, at least for now. Hopefully in a few years Scotty would be more open to the job.  
  
That left Sulu. The guy was smart, had good instincts, and was pretty easy going. The key to any first officer was compatibility with the Captain. If Jim and Spock had managed it, Sulu would do just fine. That's why Jim had pushed him to at least share a meal with Spock. If Jim was going to be recommending Sulu for First Officer when he got his own ship, Sulu needed to be on good terms with the Captain.

And hearing how everyone was gossiping about the events of today's lunch, Jim knew he had his replacement.

 

* * *

 

Jim was standing in the Transporter room watching the landing party get ready for the mission when his communicator buzzed.

"Kirk here."

"Commander, one of the labs is compromised, the tech deleted the… HEY! DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

Kirk almost dropped his communicator when he heard the Lieutenant screaming. Looking at Spock, he only had one eyebrow lifted with curiosity.

"Lieutenant, calm down. What do you need?"

"I know the Captain is down on the planet sir, but he's the only one who knows how to protect the equipment with the codes faster. It would take hours for us to isolate the leak, and the lab would be compromised longer. What are your orders?"

Jim felt he was being talked in another language. He was smart, but he didn't have any idea about what leak the Lieutenant was talking about. He was not familiar with the Science department. Maybe this was something he had to change.

"Lieutenant." Spock took Jim's communicator from his hand and Jim noticed how he was careful enough so they didn't touch accidentally. Spock was very precise about his personal space: not touching him for any reason "What is the equipment status?"

"Captain!" the Lieutenant squeaked surprised. "Down to forty percent, sir."

"Stand by for orders, Lieutenant. Spock out."

Jim looked at Spock waiting for orders too. Maybe if he explained everything clearer and faster Jim could help the Science department.

"Commander Kirk, I am afraid Lieutenant Campell is right. I am needed in the Science Laboratory. Do you mind taking my place in the landing party?"

"Of course, Captain." Jim knew it made more sense for him to beam down instead of going to the science lab. He really didn't know much about how they worked down there.

Still, Jim made a mental note to ask Spock for training in every lab procedure. Jim knew the basics, and he got a few glimpses of how they operated when he talked to Spock during their chess games, but Jim focused more on engineering and security.

"It is a straightforward mission; it should not take more than three hours, without any casualties," said Spock matter-of-factly.

Everyone knew Spock was more careful when Jim was involved on the missions, given the blond's propensity to get hurt on every beaming down. This was the Vulcan way to say: 'You better get back in one piece with the plant'.

"Yes Captain, I know that." Jim was still not used to the 'be careful' speech that Spock said every mission that involved him. It was annoying; it wasn't Jim's fault the majority of the time.

"Very well." Spock looked directly at Sulu, who nodded. "Then I will depart to the Science department. Mister Scott, you have the conn."

"Yes, sir."

Without saying another word, Spock left the Transporter room. Jim glanced at Sulu uncertainly, and he only shrugged.

"Scotty, three to beam down."

"Yes, Commander Captain," said Scotty happily.

Jim could feel the suspiciously look from Uhura. He would have to explain later that it was a joke between him and Scotty, and it didn't mean anything else. Somehow Jim didn't think Uhura had looked angry when she heard what Scotty called him. It was more like she had glimpsed an oddity.

 

* * *

 

It took three point five hours to get the laboratory in section three functioning again. Spock programmed a lecture on safe procedures for the Science department, since the mistake made today was by no means going to be repeated. The laboratory technician who deleted the wrong file begged for Spock not to send him away. It was an extremely dangerous mistake, important data could have been lost, but it had never crossed Spock's mind to fire the technician. Maybe just 'shape him up', as Kirk was fond to say; extra training in the laboratory, and being supervised until Spock thought he was ready to be responsible for advanced tasks should be enough.

Remembering Kirk, Spock realized that the team had not made contact with him. He walked to the bridge, thinking that if something had happened to the Commander, Nyota would have made contact to inform him of it. When he arrived on the Bridge, Spock saw only Ensign Chekov and Mister Scott with the skeleton crew. He was about to ask if Commander Kirk had made some sort of contact when the Bridge communicator started buzzing.

"Kirk to Bridge."

"Spock here, what is the mission status, Commander?"

"Oh, Captain…" Kirk sounded nervous. That never cued something good "I thought you still were in the science lab."

Yes, there was definitely something wrong.

"Where are you, Commander?"

"Well… we are in Sickbay Captain, but I – "

"I am on my way to the medical ward. You will report there. Spock out."

Without giving Kirk the chance to protest, Spock cut the communication off and, leaving the conn to Mister Scott, he headed to Sickbay. Perhaps it had been naïve on Spock's part to think that for once Mister Kirk would stay out of trouble. Imagining what the Commander's condition was, he entered the Sickbay expecting to see at least a bloody cut or the Commander laid on the bed, probably with restraints.

What he did not expect to see was the Commander sitting down on one of the beds with only his shirt torn. Looking closely, Spock noticed the Commander's eyes were slightly puffy. He glanced at Nyota, who was standing next to Mister Sulu, and both seemed well.

Spock waited until Doctor McCoy ended his small tirade about how idiotic Kirk was, and that he was not his personal nurse. That earned a glare from Nurse Chapel, and Spock agreed with her. McCoy could sometimes be unpleasant in his commentaries.

"I got it, Bones; I'm an idiot for getting hurt on a peaceful mission. In my defense, it wasn't my fault." Spock noticed how Kirk looked directly at him instead of McCoy. Spock had heard that before. The Commander often said it was not his fault when it was.

"The Commander is right, sir," Mister Sulu jumped in to defend him. "We didn't know what the ointment contained."

"Yeah, you told me three times already." McCoy finished injecting something in Kirk's neck. "I'm all done. He's all yours."

McCoy walked away from the bed, and for some reason Spock sensed his words had a double meaning. Looking back at Kirk, he watched the Commander scratching his right cheek.

"STOP SCRATCHING!" McCoy yelled, and Spock wondered how he knew what Kirk was doing.

"I was not!" Kirk grumbled out, although he kept scratching.

"Did you retrieve the plant, Commander?" Spock interrupted before Kirk started arguing with McCoy again.

"Sort of." Kirk could not be vaguer. Spock turned to Nyota.

"The plant is sacred, Captain," she started to explain. "The natives were very polite and explained to us that we just couldn't take it. They needed to see the compromise of the 'guardians'. Therefore they asked who the ones taking care of the plant were. Since Lieutenant Sulu was the botanist, I informed them about it and then they asked for the second 'guardian' and Commander Kirk volunteered himself. They initiated a ceremony for the guardians of the plant and put a salve on their faces to identify them. Then the Commander and the Lieutenant touched the plant, and it turned blue with darker spots which seemed to be what they were expecting. They started yelling that the plant chose its fate and the… 'kurders' should now be in charge of its care."

"Kuders?" Spock tried to remember what the word meant, given that he had a basic knowledge of the planet's language. It was something similar to compromise. Literally translated, the word meant 'the ones tied'.

"Yes, the… er…" Spock was surprised, Nyota rarely stuttered. "Well… on the planet… they assign the plants to guardians to ensure their optimal development. They said that if we wanted one, we should respect that tradition. The guardians are… like… they guarantee the well-being of the plant."

"For God's sakes, Uhura, just say it. We are the parents of the damn plant." Kirk was scratching his forehead with force. That probably would leave a mark.

"Not yet." Nyota glared at Kirk for the interruption. "The ceremony was interrupted by you swelling up like a balloon."

"It was not my fault! The stupid ointment had something that triggered my allergies."

"Everything triggers your allergies, Jim." McCoy approached them, slapping Kirk's hand away from his forehead.

"It itches!"

"Let the damn vaccine take effect. Here, take this cream. It should stop the itch."

"Summarizing sir, tonight the natives are going to throw a party for the 'Enterprise Guardians'. You are expected to attend because Lieutenant Sulu and Commander Kirk are going to take on a big responsibility in their eyes. They promised not to use the salve again; they were really scared when they watched Commander Kirk going red. They are going to… join them with a rope."

"Wait… Jim and Sulu are going to get married?" McCoy's tone was mocking.

"No, of course not." Nyota blushed. "They just are going to adopt the plant."

"So they'll have a kid plant and yet they're going to live in sin?" Spock decided he should stop Doctor McCoy before he continued with his jokes. This was a serious matter.

"It's just a stupid plant, okay? As long as we get it, if I have to kiss Sulu, I will." Kirk put some of the cream Doctor McCoy offered on his forehead.

"I would prefer that you do not, Commander," Spock intervened without knowing why Kirk's comment bothered him.

"Yeah, I'm with the Captain, let's just do the ceremony and leave it at that," Lieutenant Sulu added.

"I'm just saying it's not a big deal. We were the most adequate for the job."

"Well, maybe Uhura and Sulu would have made more sense," McCoy frowned.

Kirk glanced at Spock, who understood why the Commander had volunteered himself for the job. The Commander thought the relationship between Spock and Nyota was almost sacred, and the crew was going to comment and make jokes about the responsibility of parenting the plant. Of course it was not necessary; Nyota could handle it and Spock hardly cared about gossip when it involved him. Still, Spock approved of Kirk's action.

"Uhura was translating, she was busy," justified Kirk.

"Whatever; don't let them put that stuff on your face again, or I'll leave you to just blow up," warned McCoy.

Spock wondered what would have resulted if he had beamed down as scheduled. It did not matter now, and they would have to prepare for the upcoming ceremony.

 

* * *

 

Jim knew the crew already was aware of the ceremony. He blamed Chapel, who shared lunch with Rand. Those two were like the Enterprise's gossip column. When he entered the Training room and saw Giotto with a big smile on his face, he sighed. This was going to be payback for Cupcake.

"News travels fast," Jim joked.

"Who's going to give you away, Kirk? Because it would be an honor to walk you to the altar." Giotto looked innocent.

"I think Bones has that right, he always patches me up. You can be my maid of honor. Pink will suit you."

"You're not considering on wearing white, right? Because that would be disrespectful to your future husband."

"Sulu doesn't mind. I look good in white. In fact, I look good in every color."

"Yeah, yeah." Apparently Giotto was tired of the jokes. Nobody beat Kirk in sharp remarks. They could ask any instructor in the Academy to verify that. "Why are you here? Do you want a security officer in the ceremony?"

"Yes, either you or Edwards, since you two are the ones who can carry me without an effort."

"Are you expecting to be hurt?" Giotto frowned. Well, at least he cared.

"As you probably heard, I had an allergic reaction to the stinky thing they put on my face. If for some reason it happens again, I wanna make sure to have someone who can drag me to Sickbay. I think I was more hurt by the efforts that Sulu and Uhura put in to get me back to the ship than by the allergy."

"Captain Spock is going to beam down too, isn't he? He could sure drag you to Sickbay." Jim was not sure if Giotto meant to mock him or not.

"That is not Captain Spock's job, it's yours. Congratulations, you have volunteered yourself for the task. See you at 20:00. Don't bother getting all dressed up, your uniform will do. Save the pink dress for your own wedding."

Giotto was about to answer, probably with sarcasm, when they heard someone entering the room. Glancing around, Jim noticed Spock standing a few feet away from them.

Giotto took the cue and nodded respectfully at Jim, then when he passed by Spock's side he said a quick 'Captain' and got out of there. Turning around, Jim stood in front of Spock, waiting for the Vulcan to start speaking.

"Is there something I can help you with, Spock?" said Jim after an extended silence.

"I was wondering how you feel about the assignment."

"What? The plant thing?" Jim was confused.

"Yes" Jim swore one of Spock's eyes twitched "You were not the one programmed to beam down to the planet. It was an imposition on my part to leave you all the responsibility."

"I wouldn't put it like that. Besides, that's why you have a First Officer. I've been in worst situations than marrying Sulu."

"You are not going to marry the Lieutenant," said Spock tightly, "and I would appreciate it if you stopped feeding the rumors about the upcoming ceremony."

"Hey, it's not my fault you have a gossiping crew. You chose them. It's okay, Sulu's not offended. The general point of view is that I'm lucky I got a decent man and Sulu could do worse. They're just having fun."

"We have several clubs that meet that purpose. It is disrespectful to talk about a Commanding Officer in a mocking way, particularly the second in command. The ceremony is by no means a wedding, and you and the Lieutenant are not a couple. It would be detrimental to support this behavior."

Jim frowned. Spock was convinced that the gossip must be banished from his ship. This confirmed that he had no idea about the rumor concerning him and Jim adopting Amanda, and after seeing how he reacted, Jim was glad. He didn't want Bones to be the second on Spock's list of: 'Who to strangle now'.

"Fine, if you're so worked up about it, I'll tell the crew to stop." That was Jim's code for 'Stop while you are present'.

"I am not 'worked up'," refuted Spock. "Letting the crew communicate commentaries that are not facts could lead to misunderstandings and complications."

"Well, sometimes the lies are funnier than the truth. Maybe for you it doesn't make any sense, but for humans it's enjoyable. If the people involved don't care about it, what damage can the friendly bantering do? It's no different from when I kid around with Bones. Those are jokes more than gossip. It's another way to connect."

Jim knew that look on Spock's face. He had the 'You are right, how annoying' eyebrow up.

"Perhaps if the people involved are aware of the _joke_ and they are truly not bothered by it, I supposed it would not cause harm. Still, I recommend that you stop this particular anecdote. It could have negative consequences for the mission."

Jim wanted to ask exactly how that rumor could have 'negative consequences' on an almost finished mission, but he honestly didn't want to enter into a debate with Spock right now.

"I'll try to stop it. Is that all? I need to get ready for the ceremony. By the way, I asked Giotto to be on the landing party. If I pass out, he can carry me without a sweat."

Spock nodded absently, and Jim dismissed himself, wondering if the bouquet he found in his desk when he arrived at his room was Bones' doing.

 

* * *

 

The planet was beautiful. It had tall trees and blossoms with different colors. Spock was curious about whether this development in their plants was related to the fact they had 'guardians'. The ceremony was a big feast because it was the first time a plant had chosen outsiders. Apparently Mister Kirk had more up his sleeve than he'd let on. Observing how Kirk and Mister Sulu took the plant and one of the natives put a rope around their hands, the Vulcan speculated about what would have happened if he beamed down. He was no botanist, and though he liked plants, he was not sure about the selection process of this particular brand. Kirk was resourceful and efficient; it was not surprising that even plants were particularly fond of him even when they were not entirely sentient.

Once they were done, Kirk and Sulu joined them at the table of honour, with the plant in Sulu's arms.

"What? No kiss?" Lieutenant Giotto shook his head, looking disapproving.

"Not in front of the children." Mister Sulu winked at the Lieutenant. Apparently the Helmsman was inclined to do this often.

It seemed that Kirk had already told the crew they could _joke_ around Spock, since it was the first time Spock had heard Giotto mocking the Commander in his presence. The rest of the ceremony consisted of an abundant dinner with mainly fruits. Spock was grateful for this given that he was a vegetarian, and on every mission that ended in a meal, they always included meat.

The natives said their farewells to the plant, and requested for the 'guardians' to communicate with them to inform them about the plant's growth. They assured them that the plant was about to blossom, and it should not take more than five days to see the first flowers.

Above all, Spock concluded, it was an informative mission.

 

* * *

 

Five days later, the plant hadn't blossomed yet. Lieutenant Sulu was worried that they had done something wrong, and expressed his concern repeatedly on the Bridge.

In one of the dinners Spock shared with Kirk, the Lieutenant joined them to complain more about it.

"You should talk to her," insisted Mister Sulu, looking pleadingly at Kirk. "You're her guardian too! I refuse to take all the responsibility. I don't want to be a single parent."

The scariest thing, Kirk thought, was that he didn't know if Mister Sulu was joking any more.

"It's a plant, Sulu. How do you know it's a 'she'?" Kirk looked annoyed. Now he understood how Spock sometimes felt when Kirk kept being insufferable.  
  
"Well, technically it's not, but we need to give her a sense of belonging. She's not an object," said Sulu. "And that's not the point. The point is you haven't talked with her even once since we adopted her."

"Like I said, it's a plant. I don't know what to say to it."

" _Her,_ " Sulu snarled, "and you talked to Amanda all the time!"

"That's different. At least she had eyes and looked at me when I talked."

"You can't play favorites here. You adopted Lilly, she's your daughter too!"

"I should call my mother and tell her that she's a grannie then," Kirk spat out. "My brother will think his niece is a little blue for his taste, but hey, family is family. And you called it Lilly?"

"You named Amanda. It was my turn," defended Sulu.

"I didn't name her, she _chose_ the name. I doubt the plant had the same courtesy."

"How would you know? You don't even visit her."

"I do not see the difference between the baby and the plant. You talked to the infant while she did not understood you. Why it would be difficult with the plant, since it will be the same basic action?"

Sulu and Kirk turned to Spock with astonishment; most likely they had forgotten Spock was sitting with them.

"You are agreeing with Sulu?" Kirk was the first to react.

"You are the plant's guardian. It is your duty to ensure it well-being. Mister Sulu is acting like a responsible parent. You took care of the baby, it would seem discriminative to ignore the plant given that you are in fact one of its keepers. A parental figure should not have preferences about children."

"You are joking!" said Kirk surprised.

"Vulcans do not joke."

"Oh, no, you are not pulling that off, now I have witnesses!" Kirk looked triumphant "Sulu is backing me up in this."

"What do you mean?" Mister Sulu asked, looking genuinely confused "I didn't hear anything out of the ordinary. The Captain was just stating the facts."

"You had a lunch date with him and you already changed sides?" Kirk was offended. Spock decided to let go the 'lunch date' comment. He was trying to get more involved in human bantering and laughing about personal failures and random fake romances seemed to be the favorite subject for this behavior. Since Sulu did not seem upset by Kirk's remark, Spock was not offended either.

"You said we worked for the same purpose here on the Enterprise, sir," Sulu smirked.

"Traitor," muttered Kirk. "I'm going to have the rest of my dinner with Bones. At least I know he's annoying."

"Please Commander, go and talk to your daughter." Sulu's tone of voice was serious now.

Kirk sighed, standing up.

"Fine, tomorrow after Beta shift I'll stop by the botany lab. But you better make sure nobody's there. I don't want to make a fool of myself."

"You did not seem to mind doing it in front of an audience before," stated Spock.

Kirk looked agape and glanced at Mister Sulu, who only shook his head.

"I didn't hear anything," confirmed the Lieutenant.

"Traitor," repeated Kirk, indignant.

Spock wondered if Kirk really was going to stop by the botany laboratory or if he just said it to end Sulu's complains.

Two days later Lieutenant Sulu entered the Bridge with a beaming smile, announcing that the plant finally had one blossom. Spock glanced at Kirk's station, where the Commander returned the look with a small, almost shy, smile. Spock knew the answer then.

 

* * *

 

Poker night was always fun because Jim won every time. He was the expert on lies, they couldn't beat the master. Jim had invited Spock to one of the games as a way to bond with the crew, but he declined.

"Give me two." McCoy was scowling.

"Why do you need two more cards if you're going to lose?" Jim patted Bones' arm.

"Shut it, kid. I'm going to win this one."

"Well, I'm out," Sulu groaned "and I'm leaving, my daughter needs supervision. She has two new blossoms. Did I tell you about them already?"

"Yes!" Chekov complained. "You don't stop talking about it even on our shifts."

"Don't mess with the kid, he's a proud father," Scotty said. "I'm out too."

"Full house." Jim showed his hand.

"You are very good, Commander," congratulated Chekov.

"I told you Chekov, you can call me Jim off-duty. It's no fun winning your chips if you're getting all official. It's like having Spock here."

"The Captain would be an excellent player," said Scotty.

"Let's hope he accepts to join us sometime. It's only fair he wipes the floor with you, Jim, since you did with all of us," Sulu sneered.

"Yeah, you and Spock are getting closer to braiding each other's hair," Jim scoffed.

"I'm tired too. Good night everyone." Chekov stood up and rushed away without saying another word. Jim was surprised. What did he say? He looked at Sulu, who looked embarrassed.

"I'm off to see our daughter, Jim. Don't forget to stop by to give her a kiss goodnight."

"Stop saying it's _our_ daughter." Jim noticed how Sulu changed the subject to avoid being questioned about Chekov's departure.

"Good night Jim. Doctor McCoy, Scotty."

"Wait, lad, I'll walk with you. I need to be on the Transporter room. I just had an idea about the warp factor."

"Is it in the protocols?" Jim looked directly at Scotty.

"It's a good idea," smiled Scotty. "Only the finest for the best ship."

"Last time you said that I had to convince Spock not to throw you away on a shuttle. At least this time warn me, Scotty."

"I promise, Commander Captain. The Captain is not going to complain… much."

"He doesn't complain. He's a Vulcan," defended Jim. "Just update me with the basics. And no disarming anything until I approve."

"Good night doctor, Commander Captain." Scotty apparently ignored Jim.

Watching his friends leave, Jim remembered Bones was also with them. Suspicious of his friend's silence, Jim turned to him and saw how Bones was frowning directly at him.

"What?" Jim suddenly felt self-conscious.

"What's the deal with you and the hobgoblin?" McCoy asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You invited him to poker night. You defend him, and you two have dinner together almost every night." Bones must have thought he'd made some point, but Jim honestly didn't have any idea about what his friend meant.

"So? He's trying to adapt to humans. I'm helping him."

"My point exactly. I thought you hated him."

"No, I never hated him. I just resented him for trying to expel me and then sending me to an ice planet."

"Is that all?" said Bones sarcastically "I resented my ex-wife. Then I hated her. You don't look like you're going to get to that stage soon."

"That is because I won't. I don't hold grudges."

"Since when?" McCoy frowned.

"What is this about, Bones? Is this because you don't like Spock? Do you want me to stop inviting him into things where you're involved too?"

"This is about how you always jump into things without looking back. You're getting too close to the elf; I don't want to see you hurt."

"I hardly think Spock is going to hurt me. He is very correct," mocked Jim.

"I'm being serious here Jim. You know I don't care who you sleep with, I mean, even when I found you with the Orion woman and she proposed a threesome, I acted as normal as possible. It's just that a Vulcan doesn't seem the right choice for a fling."

If it weren't for the context of Bones' observation Jim would have laughed at remembering Bones reaction when he walked in on Gaila and him on bed. He cursed rather loudly about how he was a doctor and not a damn pimp and that he barely liked Jim as a friend, not nearly enough to consider sharing the bed with him and another woman.

But what stuck with Jim was the implication that Bones was making.

"Wait, you think I'm sleeping with Spock?"

"Don't get too graphic. I'm your friend Jim, and let me tell you, this is not a good idea."

"Bones… no, you got it wrong. I'm not sleeping with Spock. How in hell did you get that idea?"

"You're not sleeping with him?" Bones looked relieved "I knew you couldn't be that damaged."

"Geez, thanks."

"You know what I meant. Wait, if you're not sleeping with Spock, why are you so friendly with him? You keep having dinner with him, and 'playing chess' – I honestly thought that was a euphemism. And I'm pretty sure you haven't been fooling around with anyone else since we started the mission. Either you were sleeping with Spock, or you haven't had sex in four months."

"Is that so incredible? I can be celibate too. I don't know how you got that idea, Bones. It's not like I chased every skirt in the Academy."

"Well, not only skirts, there were a few pants too. I was your roommate, Jim; I recall that most of the boxers under your bed weren't yours."

"People mature, I'm a Commander now. Also, you must be blind if you don't see who Spock's dating." Jim put his hand on his mouth quickly. "Crap, I wasn't supposed to say that."

"So the elf is getting action then," Bones smirked. "Well, spill it."

"You have to promise not to tell anyone about this, okay?"

"Jim, I don't go around telling people things. I just make up gossip when I want to get back at you. And it's not like I'm friends with the elf."

"But you are on good terms with Uhura," muttered Jim.

"So? I'm not going to tell…. Wait… Uhura? Uhura's dating Spock? I can't believe it!" Bones looked upset.

"Why? Are you interested in Uhura?" Jim frowned. This could be dangerous. Love triangles on a ship always ended badly. And Jim cared about the three involved in this particular one.

"Of course I'm not, but I'm not blind. The woman is very attractive and intelligent. She could do better than Spock."

"Don't be like that. Spock has good qualities; you're just too stubborn to see them."

"I think the hobgoblin can defend himself; he doesn't need you sticking up for him."

"Look, just keep this to yourself, all right? I don't want Spock thinking I betrayed his confidence." Jim noticed Bones' curious look. "What?"

Bones kept looking at Jim like he was searching for something. Finally he just smiled in a sad way, and shook his head.

"Nothing."

Bones changed the subject after that, and Jim was questioning what exactly had happened. Jim trusted Bones; he knew he wouldn't say anything about Uhura and Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I say this every chapter, but this story wouldn't be here if Anbessette hadn't been this amazing person willing to help a lost soul in the shenanigans of grammar.


	5. Chapter 2B: Non semper ea sunt quae videntur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As he watched the Vulcan disappear, Jim saw another image. Spock was touching his cheek gently, almost lovingly. And he said a word in Vulcan that Jim had never heard before. It was a whisper, and Jim didn't hear clearly, but it was enough to freak him out.

It was the fourth time that week that Doctor McCoy had glanced at the table inhabited by Nyota and Spock. The first time the doctor was alone and Spock had thought he wanted to join them for lunch, but since he was always antagonized by the Vulcan, he refrained himself. The second time he was accompanied by Commander Kirk. Kirk kept kicking the doctor under their shared table, and McCoy just scowled at him. Nevertheless the doctor continued to scrutinize Spock's table. The third time Nyota was the one who noticed the glances, and told Spock she was going to ask McCoy 'what his problem is'.

This time the doctor kept looking at Spock's table, even now that Nyota was no longer sitting with him as she was needed by Ensign Chekov. McCoy had several expressions on his face that ranged from curiosity to anger. Spock tried to remember if he had done something to the doctor to gain this unwanted attention from him, but he had not had dinner with McCoy and Kirk together in three point two weeks. It was perplexing to felt this exposed. Spock was not used to attracting attention, at least not that he was aware of. Nyota often told him he was observed because he was aesthetically pleasing but Spock hardly noticed people watching him. Maybe they were more discreet than McCoy, given that Spock was having a difficult time ignoring the doctor's stare.

In the evening, during one of the games that Spock had with Kirk, Spock decided it was best to just ask to the person who knew the doctor the best about his strange behavior. If McCoy had a problem with Spock, it was certain that Kirk would be informed.

"Doctor McCoy has been observing my shared meals with Nyota quite often this past week." Spock felt confident of his statement. He had told with clarity what he meant, giving Kirk the opportunity to explain with detail about McCoy's actions. Spock found that when he asked a question that could be labelled as imprudent, Kirk offered longer explanations that had nothing to do with what Spock had asked, and when Spock was indirect, the Commander tended to go even further from the subject, losing the main topic. Spock was learning which way to approach the Commander was the best to obtain what he did want to know without vague references or jokes or sexual innuendo.

Kirk blushed, which confused Spock even more. Apparently Kirk was more than informed about McCoy's reasoning. He was likely directly involved.

"He is the most indiscreet person I know." Kirk sounded bothered. "Sorry about that."

Spock watched the Commander with patience. He still had not explained why McCoy was observing him and what his involvement was. Kirk gave up on concentrating on the game, and put the chess piece he was holding on the table. He looked affronted, which put Spock in a wary state.

"I have a confession to make." Kirk sounded defeated and barely spoke loud enough for Spock to hear. Perhaps if he was human he would not be able to listen what Kirk said. "I kind of told Bones about you and Uhura."

Spock frowned lightly. It should not bother him that Kirk had shared this information with McCoy, they were close friends and the Commander trusted the doctor. Still, Spock felt a small pang of disappointment about this event. Spock did not like to be the center of any scrutiny and Doctor McCoy watching him in the past week like he was a mystery to unravel had been uncomfortable and troublesome.

"I'll tell him to stop it, don't worry," Kirk tried to reassure him, nevertheless Spock felt nothing but his relaxation evaporating. He no longer felt comfortable around the Commander, and suddenly needed to just go to his own quarters and meditate about this subject.

"It would be best if I retire for the night," said Spock finally. "It is getting late."

"It's 21:10, Spock. We stayed until 03:00 once. You're upset, right?" Kirk's voice hinted anxiety. "Look, I didn't mean to, and Bones is not going to say anything, I swear, I just – "

"I am not 'upset'," interrupted Spock. "I am in need of meditation. I will see you tomorrow on our shift."

Fortunately the Commander did not say anything else and just watched Spock leave, this time using the hallway instead of their shared bathroom. Spock had not done that since the mission on Tersu. Somehow he wanted to put a distance between him and Kirk. Perhaps the meditation would help with those emotions.

 

* * *

 

Spock was pissed. Jim had noticed as much when the Vulcan fled from his room last night. He was giving him the silent treatment now that Jim was trying to make conversation with him. Spock's answers were short and tight, making everyone on the Bridge a little uncomfortable. Not even the first day they embarked on the mission had they felt this kind of tension.

Jim needed to blow off some steam and he asked Sulu to train with him.

"Well, what did you do to the Captain now?" Sulu dodged a punch from Jim.

"Why is it always my fault?" Jim tried to attack Sulu, but he just kept dodging.

"Is it?" Sulu kicked Jim who barely blocked it.

"Yeah." Jim threw a blow that was batted away. "Fuck, you're fast."

"And you're distracted." Sulu managed to tackle Jim down. "Yield, and maybe you won't be too embarrassed about losing to someone who's not on the security team."

"It's not much of a win when I'm not entirely in the fight," said Jim breathlessly. "Okay, on a scale of one to ten, one being almost hell and ten being not that bad, how was the tension around gamma shift on the Bridge?"

"I would say a solid 5, but I found your babbling amusing. I think Chekov would grade it lower. He hates it when the parents fight."

"Okay, I'm done adopting children," complained Jim. "Get off me, I need to shower; I have a hot date."

"I thought the Captain wasn't speaking to you. Are you going to cheat on him?" Sulu smiled gleefully, standing up and extending his hand to help Jim.

"Very funny, you know you're not supposed to make jokes about him, right?" Jim took the offered hand, feeling the strong pull.

"It doesn't cause any harm if he doesn't hear."

"Just make sure he really doesn't. I don't need him to get more pissed at me because of your gossiping."

"Oh, you don't need my help for that," said Sulu.

If only Spock were as easy as the rest of the crew. Jim even knew how to make Cupcake stop being annoyed at him. With Spock he was at loss. If he did something and it was the wrong thing, he could make the tension go further. If he didn't do anything, and let things settle, chances were this would blow over eventually, but Jim didn't know if it would happen before he requested his promotion. Knowing Spock, he could be done with trying to understand humans and just be all professional again. Jim felt almost angry at himself for throwing away months of efforts for his big mouth. And he felt even madder at Bones because he was a damn nosy friend.

After a quick shower, Jim headed to the mess hall, looking around for someone. He finally located his date; she just didn't know it yet.

With his most charming smile, Jim sat across Uhura in her table, noticing how she frowned at seeing him.

"Hi, beautiful."

"What do you want?" Uhura sounded resigned.

"Look, I know I'm not your favorite person right now… or ever; but I need your help." Jim tried his best puppy eyes, the ones that always made Bones cave into anything.

"That's okay, the parenthood made you more tolerable." Uhura actually smiled sincerely and not with sarcasm. It was the first time Jim had felt grateful for the jokes.

"Great!" Jim was more enthusiastic about the upcoming chat. "Where's Spock?"

"In lab 3, he's giving the lecture on safe procedures to the Science department."

"Is he? I didn't know he had it tonight." Jim tried to sound innocent.

"Oh, come on, you fake ignorance better than that. Besides, you programmed those lectures, how do you expect for me to believe you don't remember it? You obviously wanted to talk to me alone. Stop the act and get to the point." Uhura didn't look angry, she was more condescending.

"Fine, Spock is pissed at me, I want to fix things. I just don't know how and I was expecting you could help me." Jim decided honesty would do the trick with Uhura more than his fake bravado and flirting.

"I noticed the pleading looks you threw to the Captain's chair from time to time. You even made Chekov join your crusade. And let me tell you, puppy eyes from Chekov should be a registered weapon," Uhura laughed.

"He just wanted to help his commanding officer, leave him be." Although Jim agreed with the statement, and if Spock wasn't Vulcan he would have already caved from those looks.

"Look Kirk, before I decide if I help you or not, I want you to answer me something truthfully."

"I'm single," said Jim quickly.

"Not interested," replied Uhura. "What I want to know is why you are so worked up about this."

"What do you mean?"

"You kept talking on the Bridge even when Spock was clearly ignoring you. Lately you got closer to him, playing chess and having dinners. Spock even told me you two talked about nightmares and childhood experiences. I know you have your best friend in Leonard, and your drinking buddy in Scotty… what are you trying to do with Spock? You could easily just do the job right and pass up the social contact; particularly because Spock is Vulcan and he would not be offended by that. I want to know why you are trying so hard."

Jim didn't know what to answer at first, because he sometimes wondered the same thing. He'd decided to be efficient and resourceful; he hadn't expected to form some sort of friendship with Spock. He'd gone with the flow, and now he wanted to restore the almost friendship he'd formed with the Vulcan. He could justify his motives with ship business. He could say he wanted to create a harmonious environment for the crew. He could say that it was almost mandatory for the commanding officers to get along for the missions' sake. He could say a lot of things and it would be valid.

And yet, Uhura had asked for the truth. Jim owed her that much since she was only concerned for her boyfriend.

"I can't give you a straight answer because I don't even know. I'm not a loner, Uhura. I'm not used to it. I knew Spock was going to be difficult to deal with, but I had Bones and Scotty with me, I didn't care. I gave it a try and I started to see that Spock and I weren't that different. Amanda helped us to understand each other, and I know a Captain's job is solitary. Pike told me. My mom told me. The First Officer is the key to connect to the crew. I just didn't expect to go this far. I mean, I practically consider him my friend, even when I know he's just patronizing me most of the time. It feels wrong to lose what we built because I can't keep my mouth shut." Jim hoped he didn't sound as cheesy as he felt right now.

Uhura seemed almost surprised by Jim's explanation and looked contemplative.

"All right, it's enough for now. What did you do?"

"What? Really? You're not making me write an essay about how I should play nice? Or putting me on a lie detector?" Jim was shocked. He didn't expect for Uhura to just accept his arguments.

"Don't give me ideas, Kirk. So, what did you do?"

"Well… I blabbed about your relationship to Bones" Jim waited for the yelling. Uhura just looked at him expectantly.

"And?" said she finally.

"That's it. That's why Bones kept looking at you two in the most obvious way he could find."

"Yeah, that was weird. So… are you telling me Spock is angry with you because you told McCoy he and I were a couple?"

"I think so. Although if you say to him that he's angry, he'll just deny it. I know you're more laid back than him, and you probably don't care who knows about your relationship with Spock, but he's the Captain and all… I get why he's upset. You know Bones won't tell, right?"

Uhura lifted her eyebrows, looking genuinely lost about Jim's affirmation.

"I know Leonard is not going to gossip about it, yes. What I don't get is what the problem is."

"You're his girlfriend! Hasn't he told you by now why he's giving me the silent treatment?"

Apparently Uhura just understood what Jim was saying, as her features changed and she started to smile tenderly. Jim repeated mentally exactly what he'd said to see if he realized it too. He got nothing.

"Okay, now I get it." Uhura was almost beaming. "Here is what you will do. You are… going to leave Spock alone."

From all the potential solutions Jim had in mind, none of them involved leaving Spock alone. Somehow it went against his nature.

"Come again?" Jim expected for Uhura to be joking.

"Leave Spock alone," she repeated patiently. "You act professional, stop begging for attention like a lost puppy."

"I didn't beg! That's an exaggeration."

"Call it what you like, you still have to stop if you want to Spock to be your… _friend_ again."

Jim noted the sarcastic tone on the word friend, but he remained silent. He even had problems accepting that he considered Spock a friend now. Not a close one, of course, but that would just be a matter of time. If Spock talked to him again.

"So you are saying I should just give him some space."

"Yes, you answer when he asks something, like he did today on the Bridge."

"For how long?" Jim still wasn't convinced about this course of action.

"As long as it takes."

"And exactly how would I know when to break the ice again?"

"You can be insufferable to him again when he starts a conversation. Not with a question to be answered, but with a random comment."

Jim frowned, still not convinced about Uhura's suggestion. But then, he'd gone to her because she was the one who knew Spock the best. And maybe letting the Vulcan cool off wasn't that crazy. If Jim wasn't so pushy, he could have done that without Uhura's advice.

"You're the expert," conceded Jim "but if in ten months he still doesn't speak to me, I'm going to blame you."

Jim knew he'd said too much (again), but if Uhura connected the dots between the amount of time Jim gave and the events that could unfold, she didn't show it. She just kept smiling.

"Fine, but you're not that bad, Kirk. I think it will take less than ten months if you can keep your mouth closed."

"Thanks, you're not too bad yourself. You can call me Jim, after all if I'm asking you for advice on how to deal with your boyfriend, it's the less you can do."

"I'll call you Jim if you stop being obnoxious to me every time you speak."

"And can I call you Nyota then?"

"No."

"How about 'gorgeous'? Spock doesn't look like the jealous type."

"Again: No. I just told you to stop doing that."

"Sorry, sorry. At least we can finish our dinner, don't you think? And please give me points for not calling it 'date'." Jim smiled widely.

"You need to do it on regular basis," she grumbled, but still kept eating.

"So, small talk… you honestly think Chekov should become our secret weapon?"

Talking to Uhura was easier since they'd taken care of Amanda. But after that Jim hardly had anything in common with her. Perhaps this incident with Spock was going to bring something good after all.

 

* * *

 

Jim followed Uhura's instructions, still skeptical. He only answered when Spock asked something directly, and he talked mostly with Sulu and Chekov during the shifts. Jim tried not to look constantly at Spock to see if his plan was working, but he found himself glancing at Uhura's station. A few times she returned the look with some annoyance, although she smiled.

With all his free time, Jim decided to make Bones pay for getting him in this mess. He stalked his friend at every chance he had.

"What are you doing here?" McCoy glared at Jim. "We already had lunch. I'm busy."

"We're having all our meals together. You're the one who chased away my other dinner companion," said Jim.

"Look, I know you're moping again because you lost your elf, but it wasn't my fault. I didn't even say anything!" McCoy sounded defensive.

"You didn't need to! You kept staring at them! You think Spock is blind?"

"I was just trying to see if they acted like a couple. If you hadn't told me, I would have never guessed. Those two probably broke up or something."

"Don't be like that, Bones. If you're that interested in Uhura, she calls you 'Leonard' already. I think that's as far as you'll get with her."

"Don't be an idiot. I'm not interested in Uhura. I was curious, that's all. But I'm truly sorry; I didn't mean to mess up your strange sort of friendship with Spock. In my defense, I tried to be discreet."

"You can't be discreet; you're the worst secret keeper I've ever met. I'll forgive you if you keep me company until I patch things up with Spock."

"I guess that's fair, actions have consequences. It could have been worst. But I'm not braiding your hair, and no toe-nail painting."

"You'd look good in pink," said Jim.

Jim was glad he didn't have to eat alone. He hated that. He knew he needed to overcome that fear eventually, and Bones frequently told him he was rather clingy with every person he met. Maybe that was what had happened with Spock too. He got attached to the guy, and now he missed him. It wasn't like he wouldn't survive if Spock decided not to speak to Jim any more, but the prospect of Spock no longer saying that he was illogical and he must control his overbearing emotions… it was difficult to even imagine it.

Bones kept insisting that Spock and Uhura were no longer a couple, and honestly Jim didn't know why his friend was bringing the subject up every chance he got. It was almost like he wanted to convince Jim of something, but he had not idea of what.

 

* * *

 

Spock was aware that he was acting rather illogically with the Commander. He meditated about what bothered him, and he concluded that he felt what humans called 'betrayal', even though that was an exaggeration. Kirk had said he would not tell anyone about Spock and Nyota. Yet he told McCoy, who felt he could intrude and stare to either see if it was true or criticize them both for breaking regulations. Kirk insisted McCoy was not judgmental, however Spock had heard the colorful comments the doctor made and he was always condemning people for bad habits or stupidity. It was logical to assume he also made negative comments about the relationship, even if he only told Kirk about them.

It was best to put everything in perspective.

Fact: Kirk told McCoy something that could be considered confidential.

Fact: McCoy had not told anyone else, since the rest of the crew was acting disconcerted by the change of dynamics on the Bridge. If they knew, they would understand why the event was happening.

Fact: McCoy was Kirk's best friend. The Commander was bound to share some details of his conversations with Spock with him.

Fact: That McCoy was aware of his past relationship status had no consequences. His scrutiny had stopped, probably Kirk's doing, and no longer had an impact in the present.

Fact: Spock had to work with Kirk. It would be illogical to damage the working relationship because of an unfortunate event that occurred off-duty.

Fact: Spock had a crew who sympathized with emotions. Negative feelings would have a negative effect on efficiency.

Fact: Humans made mistakes. It was unreasonable to blame Kirk for something in his nature. He did it in something that had not affected an important task, as Spock though it would be when they started the mission.

Spock would have continued with his mental notes on the facts when he saw McCoy entering the turbolift, apparently going to Sickbay. He looked uncomfortable as soon as he was aware of who was already there.

"Just when I need Jim he never sticks around," muttered McCoy.

"Good morning, doctor McCoy." Spock was calmer after his meditation, and it would be impolite to just ignore the doctor.

"Morning, _Captain,_ " said McCoy dryly.

Spock watched how the doctor kept fidgeting anxiously.

"Permission to speak freely, sir?" McCoy looked directly into Spock's eyes. The Vulcan tried not to show his surprise. It is the first time McCoy had approached him so submissively.

"Permission granted," said Spock. He was intrigued about what the doctor had to say.

"Look, I'm an ass." Spock lifted an eyebrow. He had expected McCoy to say something that the Vulcan was not already aware of. "Jim didn't mean to tell me about your thing with Uhura. It slipped out because I was bugging him. It's not his fault. He's my best friend, sometimes I forget he's loyal to everyone, and not just me. I pushed him, and believe me, you don't want to know what started that particular conversation. I guess I just want you to know I'm to blame, not Jim; if you want to put a reprimand for inappropriate behavior on my record, I understand, and I'll stop staring. I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, I'm just _human_ , the curiosity got the best of me, but it won't happen again."

McCoy looked deflated. It must have been difficult for the doctor to admit his mistake. More importantly, he must really value Kirk's friendship to be willing to accept a formal reprimand on his so far clean record. Humans only made these kind of gestures when they thought the other person deserved it. And that McCoy felt that for Kirk confirmed the Commander's worthiness.

"I am aware that curiosity is one of the more frequent human weaknesses and is one of the hardest to control. You are right to point out your need to manage it." Kirk was not the only one who could hassle the doctor.

McCoy's face grew darker; nevertheless he kept his lips tightly closed. He must have been having a hard time trying to just ignore what Spock said and not answer with a sarcastic and rude remark. This was important for McCoy.

"I'll do it, _sir._ " Even when he said 'sir', Spock knew it was almost like a curse. He did not mind.

"Very well."

They did not say anything else for the rest of their shared ride, and when McCoy left the turbolift he said a polite 'Captain' at Spock.

Spock noted that Commander Kirk seemed more reserved with him. Perhaps he was upset by the way Spock had treated him for the past two days. He was efficient, and he answered politely if Spock needed a data or questioned him. But he hardly looked at him, and he made small talk to Helmsman Sulu and Ensign Chekov, when before he had usually done it with Spock.

It was he first time Spock had felt left out on the bridge since he had attacked the man who was now his second in command.

 

* * *

 

Spock was expecting Nyota for dinner when he noticed Ensign Chekov approaching his table. Spock looked around, searching for Lieutenant Sulu like he had done when the Lieutenant had lunch with him three point two weeks ago.

"Good evening, Captain. May I speak with you?" The Ensign seemed extremely nervous and afraid to even speak.

"Of course Ensign. Please, sit down." Spock kept his voice neutral.

"I really like Commander Kirk, sir," said Chekov after a prolonged silence.

Spock was aware of the Ensign's inclination towards Kirk. Nyota said Chekov admired Kirk and considered him some sort of role model. Spock agreed after seeing how the Ensign beamed when the Commander directed his attention to him. It was not surprising that Chekov would defend Kirk without even knowing what action of his needed to be defended.

"He is efficient," said Spock.

"And… well sir, I like you too."

Spock was at loss for a response to this apparent confession.

"It's just hard seeing two people you like being mad at each other," the Ensign said, looking shyly at Spock "but that doesn't mean you stop liking them."

"Chekov," Nyota interrupted the Ensign "Sulu is waiting for you in the Training room."

Spock had not even noticed Nyota standing next to him. Chekov stood up, smiling nervously.

"Good night, Captain." Chekov looked at Nyota. "Lieutenant."

"No need for formalities, Pavel," Nyota smiled warmly. "Nyota will do."

"Oh, Commander Kirk would freak if he heard this," Chekov chuckled.

"That's the point." Nyota winked.

Nyota occupied the chair the Ensign had vacated, and looked at Spock with curiosity. Spock was serious when he told McCoy earlier that curiosity was one of the most frequent human weaknesses.

"So, how was your day?" Nyota asked.

"You shared gamma shift with me." Spock sometimes wished he could sigh when Nyota asked him illogical questions.

"You're still angry at Kirk for telling Leonard about us?"

Spock stopped the spoon that was about to reach his mouth at hearing Nyota's question. It was the first time she had brought the subject up, and he did not share the reason for his discomfort.

"Kirk told me. And before you get angrier at him for doing it, he had to. I'm directly involved and I'm the only one closer to you on the ship."

"I am not angry," affirmed Spock.

"You barely spoke to Kirk on our shifts and you chess games have stopped. If you're not angry, then why are you pushing away the most insistent person aboard?"

"The Commander is free to share whatever information he feels necessary with whoever he wants. I am not 'pushing him away' as you assert."

Spock knew Nyota would not let this go. She looked firmly affronted by Spock's evasions.

"Spock, sometimes people make mistakes. Friends mess things up. That doesn't mean you just cut all the ties. You can't expect others to act like you want them to."

"I know that other beings have individual characteristics," said Spock.

"And you have to accept those characteristics," Nyota added gently "particularly with Kirk. He is the most infuriating human you will encounter."

Spock found he could not disagree with Nyota. Kirk was indeed infuriating. And yet Spock did not see that as a flaw.

Spock remembered one time when he confided in his mother about his discomfort with his father's behavior. She told his father about it, and Spock felt angry for the second time in his life. He ceased interacting with her for an entire week, and then he forgave her. His trust in her was stronger after that; he knew she did it because she cared. Because she loved him.

This situation was entirely different, the sentiment was not similar, and Kirk was merely a work partner. But the reaction was, in essence, the same: protecting himself from harm.

On the other hand, Kirk would not harm Spock on purpose, of that the Vulcan was sure. Just like his mother was only trying to help and not trying to harm him. The truth was that if they beamed down right now on a difficult mission, Spock trusted Kirk to 'have his back', as humans were fond of saying.

He trusted Kirk with his life, and he had lost perspective over a small event. He was in need of meditation.

"I bet you already made your list of facts about this, Spock," Nyota sounded amused, "but you have to bear in mind that Kirk is actually trying to be a good First Officer. You should give him a break."

"I give him plenty of 'breaks'," Spock stated "the most common is for lunch."

"You know what I meant. You should stop making those lists, honestly."

"Listing the facts makes the decision making easier and more efficient," defended Spock.

"Doing what feels right does that too. Kirk proved that. If you return to your previous status with him, you'll see how Kirk gets infuriating in no time."

They kept eating on silence, but Spock reflected on Nyota's words. Leaving aside the fact that she had defended Kirk, which was perplexing, she had valid observations. Kirk was indeed doing an excellent job, and the Commander had made the effort to get close to Spock after the Narada incident. Humans were proud and fragile beings. For Kirk to overcome his insecurities and accept a job that was not what he had expected was worthy of appreciation.

Spock knew there was a profound reason for his discomfort over Kirk sharing information with McCoy. At first Spock thought it was about trust, but after his talk to Nyota he understood that he trusted Kirk anyway. He could not find another apparent reason for his wariness, but he concluded that it was illogical to just keep searching for something he probably would not find and, though he was reluctant to admit it, he wanted things like they were before.

Yet the facts were solid. He would not find the reason for his previous discomfort and he wanted things like they were before.

 

* * *

 

When Spock entered the mess hall, it was surprising to see Nyota sharing a table with Commander Kirk. She had stated previously that she would choose to sit with a Romulan before sharing a meal with Kirk.

Spock hesitated for a moment, and then he approached the table. Nyota looked up expectantly, but the Commander kept his eyes on his meal.

"May I join you?" said Spock politely.

"Sure," Nyota smiled.

"Yeah, I was just leaving." Kirk stood up rather quickly, almost like he wanted to evaporate.

Nyota gave Spock a nod in Kirk's direction. The message was clear: 'Your turn.'

"Commander, if you are not busy, I would like your opinion on the updates Mister Scott is proposing to the Engineering department."

Kirk looked taken aback. He seemed to search for some other Commander behind him.

"You're talking to me?" said Kirk, disbelieving.

"I do not see another Commander, and you are the one who handed me Mister Scott's proposal." Spock's voice was flat, but he lifted his eyebrow in amusement, sitting next to Nyota.

Kirk sat back enthusiastically and talked about warp factor until Doctor McCoy entered the mess hall too, and sat next to Kirk.

"You left crumbs on my desk," complained McCoy.

"You insisted on eating there," shrugged Kirk.

"Honestly, you're like a chicken."

"Please, don't feed his ego," Nyota pleaded.

"It wasn't a compliment," scowled McCoy.

"I take everything as a compliment, Bones, you should know that." Kirk looked smug.

They kept teasing for five point three minutes until Kirk stated that he needed to be in the Security department and McCoy excused himself to Sickbay.

"All right, I'll see you two on beta shift." Kirk smiled at Nyota. "Spock, chess tonight?"

Spock was aware of everyone's eyes on him, like his answer would define the course of action for everyone.

"That would be agreeable."

The Commander's smile was bigger than Spock remembered. Yet he felt something warm in his chest at seeing him and knowing he had provoked that reaction.

Somehow, Spock thought things were not going to be the same as before… they were going to be better.

 

* * *

 

Jim was almost exploding with happiness. He owed Uhura big time. Spock had acted normally during beta shift, and now during their chess game he even talked about how illogical it was for Scotty to experiment on Archer's dog.

Still, Jim kept thinking about what Bones said concerning Spock and Uhura. It was none of his business, Jim knew, and he'd just got Spock talking to him again. He was not going to mess things up because Bones had put crazy ideas in his head.

Maybe if he brought up the subject with delicacy he could obtain an answer.

"So, are you and Uhura still a couple or what?" So much for delicacy.

Spock didn't even bother with an answer; he just looked at Jim blankly.

"Because… you know… if you two are no longer an item that would suck. But if you are, then everything is okay and I'll shut up."

"May I inquire why you have selected this topic in particular?" Jim couldn't help notice that Spock was not denying anything.

"Well… Bones said that he hasn't seen you two very close like a couple should be, and that if I hadn't told him about you two he wouldn't have guessed. And you spend most of your time either here, you know, before the ice treatment, or in the lab, or on the Bridge. That hardly says 'happy couple', but maybe you two are more mature that I give you credit for." Jim was aware that he was babbling. Somehow he was starting to get nervous, like this was something that affected him directly. Maybe it was because if Spock is unhappy, everyone is unhappy. And because he'd just patched things up with the Vulcan. Why had he kept pressing Spock to confide in him? The guy had a right to privacy.

"Is it common for the doctor to observe things that do not concern him in any way?"

"He says it's useful when people lie about their health. I think he just likes gossiping too much."

Spock moved a piece on the board, without adding anything else for a while. Jim started thinking about how bring up another subject before Spock decided to just give him the silent treatment again, when the Vulcan spoke again.

"The Lieutenant and I decided to terminate our liaison three point four weeks ago. We reached an understanding and we decided to remain 'friends'."

So Bones was right. Damn bastard.

"Oh. Sorry about that. Wait, if you broke up with her, why did you get mad at me for telling Bones?"

"I did not get mad. I was disconcerted that my personal affairs were discussed when you knew that I am a private person," Spock stated matter-of-factly.

Jim felt like a jerk. Spock was right, even when they were no longer a couple he had no right to tell Bones about it. The point wasn't if Spock and Uhura were or had been a couple, but that Jim had told something private when he shouldn't have. Still, Jim felt a small annoyance at Spock and Uhura that neither had told him about the breakup.

"I'm sorry for telling Bones. It won't happen again," promised Jim.

"You have already assured me of that, and I believe that indeed it will not happen again." Spock's tone was neutral.

Jim felt a small thrill at hearing how secure Spock sounded about Jim's promise.

"So… Are you okay?" Jim observed Spock carefully and the Vulcan looked exactly the same. Perhaps he was broken on the inside?

"I find myself disconcerted by your erratic movements in the game. Otherwise, I do not feel any discomfort."

"No, I meant… you know, with the Uhura thing."

"Why would I not be 'okay'? It was natural for the relationship to reach an ending."

Spock looked truly intrigued as to why he should be devastated about the breakup. Jim wondered if his father was by any chance a descendent of some Vulcan, since Jim was the same. Sure, breaking up was a bitch, and you felt bad for a while, but it wasn't like you weren't going to find some other girl who'd help you cope. He never understood why people got all depressed, everything had an end. Relationships were not the exception.

Seeing that Spock was expecting an answer, Jim tried to think what to say without sounding too tacky.

"Well, she's a hottie." That summed things up.

"I do not believe the Lieutenant is hotter than the average human, without counting the ones with fever."

"Damn. No, not in a literal sense. She is… what's the way you said it? Oh, yeah, she's 'aesthetically pleasing'. Besides she is smart, funny and she can kick ass. She has a lot of good things to get all worked up about if you're no longer together."

"Is this your subtle manner of requesting my authorization to proceed in courting her?"

Jim was surprised to hear Spock's cold tone, and the glare that accompanied the sentence couldn't be good. Sure, Jim often didn't care about who the ex was, but he was not interested in Uhura, and if he was, he would never do anything about it. Bros before hos. Even though Spock didn't know he was a 'bro' yet.

"Nah, I'm not interested in her, Spock. Also, you were her last boyfriend. Can you imagine Uhura settling down with me? She needs to do better, not worse." Jim tried to joke but he knew his words were more sincere than what he would have liked.

"Fascinating. You think the Lieutenant will compare us in order to decide if she desires to involve herself with you. I believe that would not be the case, since you have many qualities that overshadow me."

"Yeah, right." Jim snorted. Vulcan pity was the worst kind.

"You are human. You are aesthetically pleasing. You are intelligent, strong-minded and loyal. You have –"

"All right, all right, I don't need the ego boost," cut in Jim, trying hard not to blush. "But still Spock, she seemed like 'the one' for you. If you're in a relationship thinking it will end eventually, that kills off the romance." Why in seven hells was Jim trying to convince Spock to get back together with Uhura?

"Everything ends eventually; I see no logic in your statement."

"Well, yeah, but you don't spend your time thinking that, you enjoy the moment. That's the point of relationships. Take my brother Sam; he's the most helplessly romantic guy I've ever met. Whenever he started a relationship, he always thought of that girl as 'the one'. When he was fourteen, he stole my mother's wedding ring and gave it to some random chick; he was so in love, he proposed to her. Of course the girl said 'no', but she kept the ring and my mother went ballistic on his ass. And it was like that with every girlfriend he had. He never thought of his relationships as having a limit. He thought they were going to be eternal. It was dumb, but at least he wasn't cynical like me. Then he met Aurelan, and he fell for her. She hated his guts, but my brother never gave up. They're married now and I have a niece and a nephew. That's the thing with relationships. You have to believe they'll last."

Spock looked lost in thought, and Jim felt like an idiot for trying to encourage Spock to be more romantic and give it another chance with Uhura. The guy was a Vulcan; he must think everything Jim said was 'illogical'.

"Are all humans in agreement on this rule?" questioned Spock.

"Firstly, it's not a rule. Secondly, that depends on the human. Most girls are like that. It's different for guys, but my brother is like that."

"Are you?"

This was leading down a dangerous path, but Jim didn't seem able to just change the subject.

"No. I'm different. My mom and my brother are helpless romantics, I'm the opposite. My mother said that I protect myself from getting hurt, and that when I found the right person, I would understand and I'd do everything in my power to make it last. So far, nothing." Jim smiled, but when he recalled the chat with his mother, it came to his attention that his mom had never said 'girl', she always said 'person', as in: 'maybe you are gay and too skeptical to see it'.

Of course Jim had been involved with guys, but mostly for fun and curiosity. Girls were more trustful.

"But you never know," added Jim, sensing that this was becoming far too personal. "Perhaps my mom is right and I haven't met the right one, like my brother, or like you."

Spock looked troubled by Jim's words. His face was still expressionless, but his eyes always gave him away.

"I beg to differ. I believe we are in the same predicament. While I admire the qualities of the Lieutenant, after hearing you I am convinced we made the right decision."

"Well, Uhura is almost perfect by your Vulcan standards. Either you marry her, or marry a Vulcan girl." Jim was surprised by how bitter he sounded, without even knowing why.

"I supposed you will assume what those standards would be, but I must remind you of a colloquial Terran phrase commonly used to describe individual preferences: Love is blind."

"So, you are saying I have no clue about what you like in a girl and I need to shut up?"

"You are an intelligent being. You do not need to question the meaning of my statement. Checkmate."

Watching the board, Jim noticed how they kept playing, but he wasn't actually paying any attention to the game. Looking up to Spock, Jim saw himself with his arms around the Vulcan's waist, whispering something that seemed far too intimate. Spock was wearing blue instead of gold, and Jim looked different, with a gold shirt, and his eyes were a different color.

Blinking furiously, Jim saw Spock looking at him with curiosity. He was in his gold shirt and had his eyebrow lifted. What was that about?

"Are you well, Commander?" Spock's brows were frowning very subtly.

"Yeah, I just… Hey, it's getting late. I bet you have a lot of things to do. So… good night!"

Jim didn't know who was more surprised by his outburst, him or Spock. However, the Vulcan got the dismissal loud and clear, and stood up quickly.

"Good night, Commander." Spock inclined his head almost like he was expecting for Jim to say or do something. When Jim remained silent, Spock quietly left through their shared bathroom. Well, at least he was using that again.

As he watched the Vulcan disappear, Jim saw another image. Spock was touching his cheek gently, almost lovingly. And he said a word in Vulcan that Jim had never heard before. It was a whisper, and Jim didn't hear clearly, but it was enough to freak him out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What kind of person puts the last paragraph of the chapter as a summary? *snorting* those are the worst. Anbessette is still being a true supporter and correcting this story, so thanks to her.


	6. Interlude A: Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leonard stood there a while, feeling lost. What the hell was happening between those two? Now instead of just feeling left out, Leonard felt replaced.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is some sort of interlude. There will be a few of these with other characters PoV; this one is from Bones'. It's a little bit long (and by 'little' I mean huge), I hope you still enjoy it.

When Leonard enlisted in Starfleet, he had practically lost it all. His marriage was down the drain, his practice had been neglected, and his money was gone. He didn't expect anything worse, because what else was there?

Then he met James Kirk.

To be fair, Leonard actually threw up on him, but he didn't anticipate gaining a friend with that. He had imagined that since he probably was the oldest cadet there, he was going to be on his own. Apparently James Kirk had other ideas. After they stepped out of the shuttle, he attached himself to Leonard like a lost puppy. He tried to make the guy get lost with his own crowd, the new cadets eager for adventures, and somehow ended having him as a room-mate.

"We're going to have a blast, Bones."

"What did you call me?" Leonard wondered if anyone would notice if he just killed the guy and then dumped him outside the Academy.

"Oh, sorry, I don't remember your name; somehow it slipped my mind."

"It's not the only thing that slipped, kid," Leonard spat out. "Did they make you a psychiatric profile before enlisting?"

"See? We're bonding already!"

Leonard decided to avoid this kid. He looked like a train wreck, not that Leonard looked better, but he had enough problems of his own. He didn't need a kid messing up his already chaotic life.

Still, he was a doctor, and seeing how the kid was wincing because he had a bruise of the size of the damn planet on his shoulder, he hardly could just stand there watching.

"Why are you undressing in the damn room?" said Leonard, reaching for his small bag.

"I want to take a bath. Clean fresh start, Bones."

"Yeah, bruises always say 'fresh start'." Leonard took out a dermal regenerator. "What did you do? Fight a mountain?"

"Yeah, and the mountain won. Do you carry medical equipment with you? That's weird."

"This coming from the kid whose body's covered in bruises."

"You are weird, I'm feisty."

Leonard sighed, feeling that this guy was one of those who always attracted problems. And problems were the last thing Leonard wanted.

 

* * *

 

As the semester continued, Leonard felt older with every passing day. All the cadets were noisy and annoying. He was rooming with the worst. James Kirk always managed to be overly active every time Leonard was in the same space with him. He kept talking, making jokes and dragging Leonard with him. The only time Leonard had a relatively quiet time was when the kid was in class and when Leonard was in the hospital.

The second thing he realized after rooming with Kirk was the kid was a mess in the literal sense too. He left clothes on the floor and PADDs everywhere. If Leonard wanted to survive this thing without murdering Kirk, they needed to establish ground rules. And he said so.

"Ground rules sound lame."

It was the fifth time the kid had complained about how this conversation was 'lame', 'useless', 'stupid' and 'boring'. He got more annoyed because it was Saturday night, and Kirk loved to party on his 'free day'.

"I don't care how they sound to you. If you want to live with me, we have to make some things clear, if you don't, go find another room-mate."

"What? And leave all this joy?"

"Rule number one: Stick to your side of the room." Leonard threw a shirt directly at Kirk's face. "Rule number two: don't use my things, like toothpaste, toothbrush, soap and shampoo. I don't want to be your wife. Rule number three: If you're 'entertaining' company, let me know so I don't come in here and watch."

"In my defense, we were just kissing, and I don't mind if you watch."

"I don't care. Just let me know," Leonard sighed.

"Fine, I'll send you a message with 'lucky night' when I'm 'entertaining' company. I guess you're going to do the same thing when you decide you need rebound sex. I don't mind watching you either, but you're a prude, you'll probably freak about it."

Leonard wondered if he was this insufferable in his youth. No, probably not. He had been a perfect gentleman since he was a kid. Southern guys didn't belong in frat environments.

"I want to say a rule," Kirk said, interrupting what Leonard was about to say. "You have to call me Jim."

Leonard frowned. Why the guy was asking for this stupid thing? Maybe because he either called him 'kid', 'guy', or 'Kirk'. They had only been living together for two months; Leonard didn't get that cozy with someone until they'd known each other for at least a year. According to his ex-wife and the divorce lawyer, he had trust issues.

"I do that and you stop calling me 'Bones'."

"No way! That's not fair!" the kid pouted.

"Take it or leave it."

Three months with Jim and he was still 'Bones'.

 

* * *

 

Saturday night meant a calm night. Jim often decided to go get drunk with a bunch of loud and stupid cadets from his classes. He was glad. He was starting to like the kid, but sometimes he needed a break too. Leonard wasn't the nightclub type; he preferred a nice, quiet bar, where you could actually talk to people instead of yelling at them. He only went to clubs when Jim dragged him.

It was barely ten, and Jim was back in the dorm room.

"What? No lady tonight?" Leonard smirked.

"I got bored. When you've already danced at every club around here, there's not much to do after. I brought beer!"

The only thing Leonard and Jim had in common was the alcohol. Resigned to the fact he wasn't going to get any work done tonight, Leonard stood up, taking one of the beers Jim left on the table. They started drinking in silence, like they sometimes did when they both had too much on their minds.

"You got a divorce," began Jim.

"Yeah." Leonard seemed oblivious to the meaning behind the comment.

"You have kids?"

"A daughter; her name is Joanna."

"See? We've been living together for seven months and I didn't know that. We seriously need a monthly room-mate get away."

Leonard was about to make a retort about how stupid that sounded, but he kept quiet. He knew Jim better than he would like, and the kid needed to speak his mind.

"You're George Kirk's son," said Leonard.

"Yeah."

"What was that like?"

"My dad was a hero. Now everyone here compares me to him. I love him, but I didn't actually know him. I only got an idea of him from his thesis, the articles and my mom. Well, now Pike too, they were friends or something."

"The memorial is in a week, right?" Leonard finally understood what this was about.

"They asked me to say a few words about him. How can I say something about a guy I never even met?"

"You can't. They can't ask you to. This is a private matter for you. And they're idiots."

That made the kid smile. Leonard sometimes wished for the world to be less political and more caring. George Kirk was not the only life sacrificed that day, and yet he was the hero because he saved eight hundred people. It must have been hard for Jim to grow up with those expectations on his back. Now that he was in Starfleet, those expectations had increased. Jim was his own person; he was not here to live up to the shadow of his deceased father. Perhaps Leonard was one of the few who really understood Jim.

"We should get wasted next week," suggested Leonard.

"Fine by me," agreed Jim.

They both kept drinking in silence, knowing that Jim wouldn't say anything at the Memorial.

They got drunk on Jim's birthday. They just acted like it was any other day.

 

* * *

 

Working in a hospital was something that Leonard had missed after he got married. His ex-wife thought it was best for him and his career to have his own practice and stop depending on the hospital. Leonard had agreed, but he'd still missed his old work. Now he had the chance to enjoy it again.

Of course, that also meant he caught up with the campus gossip. Nothing like doctors and nurses to spread the news. He often heard about the STDs stupid cadets got, and the love life of half the Academy. One name frequently mentioned was Jim Kirk. Leonard was not surprised. His friend had the 'campus slut' reputation, which Leonard found hypocritical since the girls (and boys) involved with Jim were the same, and somehow they ended up victims of the Kirk charm. Jim didn't break anybody's heart; he always said directly what he wanted. If people didn't like it, then why did they agree? It wasn't fair for Jim to be labelled the campus whore when the others were also responsible.

Since Leonard always defended him, it was no surprise that the nurses stopped gossiping about him around Leonard. However, when he heard 'Jim Kirk' said in a whisper, instead of making his presence noticed like he used to do, he just stayed still behind the curtain.

"She was one of Kirk's conquests. He dumped her next day."

"I don't get why girls fall for him. He's not that handsome."

"Are you kidding me? Blue eyes and blond hair? He's like a doll."

Leonard was nauseated. He was aware of his friend's attractiveness, that didn't mean he wanted to hear about it. It was bad enough listening this from Jim, who was far too conscious of his looks and kept babbling about them. It was something Leonard had always found odd. Jim usually joked about his good looks and was proud of his physical features. However Jim was smart; really smart, almost in a super villain genius way. He was at top of his classes, volunteered himself for tasks that other cadets didn't have a clue how to do, and Pike and Archer always asked him for help in research. Even Komack, who hated Jim, hadn't been able to complain about his exceptional performance. And yet Jim never used it like a pick-up line, or even seemed to recognize it as a quality of his. Leonard thought Jim felt he was supposed to be smart, since his father was also an outstanding cadet and then an exceptional officer. Jim couldn't be proud of something that was almost his obligation.

Leonard found this incredibly sad, because Jim couldn't see his real value, the one that went beyond his good looks. The kid was his best friend, but honestly, he was an emotional mess.

"Have you seen pictures of his dad? They're identical!" Leonard heard the nurses still talking.

"Too bad he didn't inherit the personality. I heard George Kirk was a true gentleman."

"Well, you can't blame Kirk for being this damaged. Have you heard about his mother? She went crazy after the Kelvin incident."

"Those are only rumors, she continued serving on Starfleet for a few years after that."

"So? That doesn't mean anything. And honestly, it would explain why Kirk acts like women are expendable."

"Mommy issues. Show me a guy who doesn't have them."

Leonard had a hard time stopping from barging into the room and yelling at the nurses. It wasn't the first time he had heard those rumors. Apparently they followed Jim around. When they shared lunch, as soon as he left for class the people around them started whispering. Only then had Leonard got how hard it must be on Jim to be George Kirk's son, and be judged for that. He got why Jim wanted to be different, even when this was sometimes with self-destructive behavior. Jim leaped before seeing where he was heading to. At first Leonard was scornful of this attitude, thinking that it was just because he was young and stupid. Then he understood that above all, it was about his deceased father. Jim wanted to be his own person, not 'George Kirk's son'.

Too bad Jim was a proud son of a bitch, and well, he loved him for that, but still Leonard couldn't deny his friend's arrogance. Leonard was the same. Maybe that was the main reason for their friendship. They saw the world differently and at the same time they had the same flaws. Leonard kept thinking about what he heard for a while. Given that Jim didn't talk about his mom, he wondered if perhaps the rumors weren't wrong after all.

 

* * *

 

In their second year, Jim entered a self defense class, and that meant Leonard being in doctor mode almost every day, checking his friend's bruises or cuts. At least Leonard practised techniques with him; he always managed to show up with different injuries.

Leonard was requested in the emergency room, which was strange since he was about to finish his shift and he was covering the pediatric ward. When he arrived and saw Jim lying on the bed looking rather pale, for the first time since joining Starfleet he felt the need for air and his throat closing up. Letting adrenalin flow through his body, Leonard shook his head and ran to the closest nurse, taking the chart from her hands. The nurse recognized him and started talking nervously.

"He was admitted for a broken rib and a severely bruised stomach, but when the doctor administered the anesthetic his vitals dropped and –"

"Dammit! He's allergic to this! Can't you read?" Leonard started moving around to give the meds to Jim personally. "Why didn't you page me sooner? I'm his doctor!"

"You were on the pediatric ward, and Doctor Keller said he –"

"Keller? No wonder he almost killed him! Next time you page me no matter what! Is that clear?"

"Yes, doctor."

The nurses ran off as soon as they could, and Leonard was glad, because he was so pissed that he would take it out on the first person who dared to speak to him. Jim had a lot of allergies and the reason Leonard knew was because he had witnessed several reactions his friend had, from simple swelling to anaphylactic shock. Jim gave him his consent to be his primary doctor and his emergency contact, and Leonard had access to his medical file. He had clearly indicated what meds Jim was allergic to. He was going to talk with Keller very seriously. That guy was going to regret making this stupid mistake. Honestly, some people shouldn't be doctors.

Revising Jim's chart and adding this incident for the next idiot who intended to commit murder, Leonard glanced to the bottom of the screen, seeing the 'classified' sign. Jim had a special file on his medical records that was sealed. Nobody but Jim and his mother had access to it. When Leonard asked him about it, he just shrugged and said it was something not worth mentioning. Leonard was curious; he asked the guy who worked on the hospital computer system to hack the file, and he couldn't do it, which made Leonard even more curious.

It must be a hell of a secret for all this security. Leonard had tried to convince Jim to tell him using the 'I'm your doctor' argument. Jim just said that whatever the file contained, it was nothing the rest of his medical chart didn't already have. That was bullshit, Leonard knew. If that was the case, why was it sealed then? It bugged Leonard for some reason. Perhaps because he felt like Jim didn't trust him. They all had secrets, Jim was no exception. It shouldn't bother Leonard he didn't want to share them with him.

But still it bothered him.

Jim recovered fine, and continued being his idiotic self, getting hurt and being careless. Even when he felt he was talking to a wall, Leonard always told him about how he needed to take better care of himself. It was curious how Jim always tried to hide his injuries and how Leonard knew exactly when he was hurt. Leonard liked to observe people. Jim in particular was a lousy liar, at least with Leonard. That was how they ended up having a medical kit in their room, and why as soon as Jim was admitted to any medical facility on campus the nurses paged Leonard no matter where he was.

 

* * *

 

Leonard missed his daughter. It was the only good thing left from his disastrous marriage. Jim pointed out that Leonard was especially cranky these days and then, being the smart guy he was, he understood why. Leonard had to make rotations around the hospital's wards, and now he was in pediatric for three months. The first month Jim had almost died, and that distracted Leonard for a while. But now he was dedicated to the kids, and that made him think of his child endlessly. About how was she doing, if she ate right, if she was happy. Jocelyn was not a bad person; they just were not right for each other. Of course when lawyers got involved, he saw the nasty side of his ex-wife. At least she allowed Leonard weekly calls to Joanna and sent him pictures of her. Still, it was not the same. He wanted to hug her, to talk to her without a screen getting in the way. He deserved at least that much, he wasn't a bad guy, he worked hard, he saved lives, and he wanted to give his daughter a good life. Why couldn't things go his way for once?

Jim chastised him every day for his 'moping' and 'sulking', and Leonard didn't give a fuck. If the kid didn't get why he was depressed, that was his problem. Leonard was there during all the daddy drama Jim had once a year. He deserved to at least be left alone with his own issues. He knew Jim wouldn't understand. He wasn't a father, and he hadn't had one. Leonard didn't want Jim to _get_ what he felt, but only for him to stop being annoying and trying to force Leonard to 'cheer up'.

After a spectacularly bad day (people are just useless sometimes), Leonard entered his dorm room with the resolution to just sleep until graduation. He should have known better.

"Good, you're here," smiled Jim. Apparently he was expecting Leonard.

"Yeah, and in about five minutes, I won't be. I'm tired and pissed. I'm going to bed."

"It's only 20:00, you can't go to bed this early! You're coming with me."

"I'm pretty sure I won't." Leonard sat down on the bed, thinking to just sleep in his uniform. He was far too tired to undress.

Jim took Leonard by the arm, pushing him up. Leonard tried to break free, but Jim's grip was strong.

"What the hell are you doing?" Leonard was about to just punch his friend and then fix him tomorrow after he rested.

"I told you. You are coming with me, whether you want to or not"

Jim used one of his freaky techniques and pinned Leonard on the bed. Leonard had his self defense classes too (it was a requirement, after all), but he didn't specialize in that like Jim. Still he remembered a few things, and tried to use his knee against Jim's rib, but Jim anticipated it and just rolled over, sitting on Leonard's lap and getting Leonard's hands above his head in an iron grip.

"Nice try," congratulated Jim "you could make a fine security officer".

"Bite me." Leonard was beyond pissed. As soon as Jim got up, he was going to inject him with some virus. Even better, next time his soon to be dead friend was all beat up, Leonard was going to just watch him suffer.

"Don't be a sore loser. If it makes you feel better, you gave me a difficult time and – "

Before Jim could continue with his gloating, they both heard their dorm room open. Leonard froze when he saw a red head girl with green skin entering their room.

"Hey Jim! I wanted to see if you want to grab a beer and –"

The girl seemed to notice that they were on the bed, and stopped in place, surprised. Then she smirked.

"Sorry, I didn't know you were this busy. See you tomorrow?"

"No problem Gaila. Sure thing, put on the pink bra, you know I love it."

"I'll think about it. Enjoy your evening, boys." The girl winked at them and then left, closing the door quickly. Leonard immediately scowled at Jim, expecting an explanation. Why had that girl entered their room like she was invited? Why hadn't he set things straight instead of letting her think they were doing other things that clearly Leonard was never going to be doing with Jim? Why he was still pinned to the bed?

"That was Gaila," Jim started to explain.

"I heard the name, Jim. Why did she walk in here like she was a third room-mate?"

"Oh, she's an Orion."

"Good, because I thought she suffered a disease that turned her green. I'm not an idiot, I know she's an Orion, that doesn't answer my question!"

"They're more laid back with rules and stuff. I told her she was welcome here whenever she liked, and she took it more literally than I expected. If it bothers you, I'll ask her to knock first."

"Damn right it bothers me! This is my room, I want privacy! I'll lock the damn door."

"Oh, don't be so uptight. Gaila's cool."

"I'm sure, but I'm not the one sleeping with her."

"Neither am I… yet. I hope to change that soon. She seemed okay with seeing us on the bed, which opens up a lot of possibilities."

"You better set everything straight with her. I don't need more rumors about us around campus. It's bad enough being accosted every day by nosy nurses who want to know the dirty details."

"We would be a hot couple Bones, you can't deny that."

"You wish. Now get off me!"

"I will as soon as you promise to come with me."

"Are you deaf? I told you no. I don't want to go out, I just want to sleep! Go catch up with your green friend and leave me the hell alone."

"No, today I'll annoy you; tomorrow I'll be catching up with Gaila in more ways than one, if you get my meaning."

Jim never was subtle when he talked about sex. Still, he believed he was, and Leonard just let him be. This was stupid. Why Jim was so pushy about this? Unfortunately, Leonard knew that his friend was right. Eventually he would agree to go with him because if he didn't, Jim would just stay there and annoy him more. Jim Kirk always got what he wanted, no matter how long it took. He had been hitting on Nyota Uhura for two years now, and even though Leonard knew the girl was never going to agree to even give Jim the time of day, he was convinced he would win her over eventually.

"Get off me," repeated Leonard. "At least let me change".

"No, you look good in your uniform."

"You are not my type," said Leonard.

"Still, you're my trophy boyfriend. We don't sleep together, but I get to show you around and make everybody jealous of how hot we look."

"I'm your nothing. I'm barely your friend, and right now I'm reconsidering it."

"Don't be mean. Come on, up we go. Remind me to show you how you can get free from the way I trapped you. I don't want others taking advantage of you," smiled Jim.

Leonard was about to tell him what he could do with his advice, but he thought better of it. Jim was right about one thing. If they were going to embark on space missions, they would most likely be in dangerous situations where basic training sometimes wouldn't be enough. He could use the extra training, and Jim was far more patient with him than his old instructor who kept yelling at Leonard for being too careful. Of course, the next time the bastard showed up in the hospital with a broken arm, he got his revenge.

"Where the hell are we going?" Leonard resigned himself, and stood up slowly.

"It's a surprise."

"Oh, no. Last time you said that we ended up Komack's office!" In Leonard's defense, Jim told him they were going to get a beer. How they ended up in Komack's office stealing Jim disciplinary record was a mystery to him.

"I promise. Not breaking into Admirals' offices and no bar fights."

Well, at least that made Leonard feel less apprehensive about the situation. Nevertheless he grabbed his medical kit and his Starfleet identification.

Jim guided him to one of the benches near the Academy's front gate, being awfully quiet. That never meant anything good. Perhaps Jim wanted to fight Cupcake, _again_ , just because his ego couldn't bear to lose with a guy who was twice his height and weight. Leonard secretly cheered for Giotto; Jim needed to understand his damn limits, and Giotto had no shame in showing them to him.

Jim sat down on the bench and crossed his arms.

"Well? What are we doing here?" Leonard frowned. "You said no breaking into Admirals' offices!"

"You have little faith in me, Bones," said Jim. "We'll meet someone here. Perhaps we can go out and have a good time."

"What? Who? We have to be back on Academy grounds before midnight, you know that!" Leonard finally sat down too, huffing.

"That's bull, you can show up whenever you want as long as you don't get caught."

"I'm not going anywhere with you and the mystery guest. I have a clean record so far, and let me tell you, it's been a challenge to accomplish that with you as a friend."

"I see you're still grumpy. Come on, we won't have to wait much longer."

Leonard wanted to ask who or what exactly they were waiting for, but seeing Jim smirking let him know he was not going to get any answers. When Jim was in his weird mysterious mode he got stubborn. Although Leonard had no idea what the big deal was, Jim could rarely surprise him anymore after rooming with him for two years.

"Here they are!"

They? Leonard glanced toward the gate, seeing two figures entering through it. A woman who looked awfully like Jocelyn was approaching them. But glancing at the smaller figure, Leonard felt he was going to pass out. His little girl was jumping happily next to the woman, who he was now certain was Jocelyn. She had dyed her hair and looked slightly slimmer, that was why Leonard hadn't recognized her at first, but he could recognize his daughter no matter what.

"Daddy!" Joanna jumped directly into Leonard's arms. He could barely stand up and catch her. She'd gotten heavier and taller since last time he saw her.

"Hello, sweetie. You are getting bigger; you're going to be a giant soon if you don't stop!" Leonard kissed her on the cheek.

"Don't be silly, daddy!" Joanna smiled widely, and that brightened Leonard right up.

Leonard was full of questions. Why Joanna was there? Did Jocelyn need something? Was the girl hurt? How did Jim know about this? Still, he had his girl in his arms. Leonard would give anything for time to stop right there and let him stay with his daughter forever. Now that he had her, he realized how much he had actually missed her.

Leonard felt like a small part of his broken life was fixed when his daughter was with him.

"Leonard," said Jocelyn, without any resentment like last time. "And you must be James Kirk, right?"

Still holding his girl, Leonard watched how his best friend and his ex-wife shook hands.

"Yes ma'am, nice to meet you."

"Likewise."

"Jocelyn, what are you doing here?" Leonard tried to maintain a neutral tone, and then noticed the small 'visitor' tag Joanna had on her dress. Jocelyn had the same on her blazer.

"I got a promotion here in San Francisco. It will be only for two years, but I've never liked Georgia anyway. Since I'm here, I called you to let you know about it."

"You were covering that double shift, and I took the message for you, Bones," added Jim. "I just didn't tell you so this would be a surprise."

"Why is he calling you 'Bones', daddy?" Joanna looked up at Jim, curious.

"Because he thinks it's funny, honey."

"Hey there, Joanna. I'm Jim Kirk, I'm your daddy's friend. How about you and me go to the mess hall and get some ice cream?"

"Jim, dinner time was a while ago and –"

"I have it covered, Bones, don't worry," reassured Jim, and Leonard knew he meant it.

Leonard looked at Jocelyn, who nodded her contentment.

"All right, but you can't have too much. It's almost bed time," said Leonard, kissing Joanna on the top of her head.

"Aww, but daddy…!"

"Don't worry Joanna, he won't know how much ice cream we eat," Jim winked at her.

"I mean it, Jim," warned Leonard.

Smiling, Jim took Joanna's hand, and they walked away. Leonard heard Joanna asking Jim if he was in trouble and Jim only laughed for an answer. Joanna seemed to like Jim.

"You look good, Leonard," said Jocelyn.

"You don't look too bad yourself. Let's sit down, we have to talk."

"I agree."

Leonard had spent almost 8 years with that woman. It still amazed him how they had loved each other so much, then it turned into some sort of hate and resentment, and now they were left with this awkwardness between them. They'd married young, thinking that love would fix all their problems. Somehow they'd expected that after being married, things were going to be easier to resolve, they just needed to hang in there until it happened. It turned out that problems stayed there and not even marriage and love repaired them. They didn't know each other that well, and living together sometimes brought out the worse in them. People told them it wasn't going to be easy, they needed to work hard for a successful marriage. Leonard eventually understood what people meant with that advice: 'stay even when you two hate each other; at least you will be still married'.

Fortunately, Jocelyn also saw that they were on a dangerous path. Joanna was the only thing left for them, and she deserved better than two bitter parents who were always attacking one another with dry remarks. The divorce was hard, and after the lawyers and the money, Leonard thought that people who said love can't be bought had never faced a separation.

Because for Leonard, it cost him everything.

The only thing that made him feel better was that Jocelyn looked as uncomfortable as he was.

"So… how are things going around here?" Jocelyn started speaking.

"Same as usual, stupid people get hurt, I patch them up. Congratulations on your promotion." Leonard was, after all, respectful.

"Thank you. I thought it would be good for everyone if I took it. Joanna was happy to be near you, and I don't mind you visiting her."

"Really? That would be great!" Leonard lightened up immediately. His daughter was finally so near that he could actually visit her.

"Yeah, my work will last until you graduate, at least that was your friend told me. He's very persuasive. I was just trying to locate you and he practically made me tell him everything."

"Yeah, that's Jim." Leonard felt proud of his friend. "I have almost every weekend off, if you want to establish some rules."

Leonard was surprised that Jocelyn smiled after hearing this. Was she going to get difficult? Then why did she say she wouldn't mind the visits? Was she playing some cruel game?

"You never change, Leonard. You always want rules for everything." Jocelyn's tone was more amused than upset, but Leonard remembered well how those rules were the key to their divorce. "I'm okay with you visiting her when you have free time, even on week days. She can come here, or you can go to our place. After all, it's only a five minute walk."

"What do you mean?" Leonard asked, confused.

"Your friend made some arrangements and got us an apartment nearby. Apparently he's well connected. He even volunteered himself as a nanny and gave me contacts from day care centers. He was really invested in having us close. He must be a really good friend. I don't remember you being this social."

"Marriage sucked up the social part of my life." Noticing how Jocelyn looked taken aback, Leonard sighed. He didn't mean it like that, but there were still some issues between them. "Sorry. That was uncalled for, especially since you are making an effort."

"It wasn't all bad, wasn't it?"

"No, there were good times too."

They both smiled in agreement. It was easy to hold on bad moments instead of just remembering the good ones. They were already divorced, it was time to let go of every negative feeling he had during all those years. The woman had given him the best gift of his life: his daughter.

When Jim returned with Joanna, his girl was excited about everything in the Academy, and asked Leonard tons of questions about it. Jocelyn indicated it was time for them to go, and Leonard felt a small pang of disappointment in his stomach. He couldn't get enough of his daughter. They promised to stop by tomorrow for lunch, and since it was Sunday, Joanna could spend the afternoon with Leonard.

Watching them leave was always hard for Leonard. Every time he watched his little girl walk away, he was afraid it would be the last time he saw her. It wasn't only the divorce, the custody battle, the money arrangement. It was the fact that he was enlisted in Starfleet. Leonard had heard Jim's stories about being the son of a Starfleet Commander, and honestly he felt like Joanna would have the same luck. Not knowing if her father was alive or not, only communicating through a screen, waiting for shore leaves near the Earth to actually get to see him.

Leonard was getting depressed with just imagining this. But right now he had the opportunity to enjoy his girl, and he was taking everything he could get.

Jim was standing near him, in complete silence, which was strange. Knowing him, he should be bragging about how amazing he was for surprising Leonard and black mailing him because apparently he made this happen. However he was only smiling, like he was enjoying the moment too.

Then Leonard remembered one of the drunken confessions Jim had made a few months back. Leonard was depressed since he'd just talked to Joanna, and Jim was angry because one of the professors had compared him with his father again. Jim was ranting about how sick he was of people only seeing his father in him. Then he said he wished he had a father like Leonard, since he really loved Joanna. That broke Leonard. It was hard for him not having his girl, but if he lost her forever… he would go mad from the pain and the sorrow. That was the main reason for Winona Kirk's rumors around campus. She loved her husband, and when she lost him, the natural thing for her was going crazy. Jim insisted he didn't miss his dad, because what was there to miss? He didn't know him, he didn't play with him or share time with him. Jim was born, George died. That was how things were.

Leonard was very protective of Jim because nobody seemed to take that role in his friend's life so far. Jim didn't look like he knew how valuable he was or how he deserved to be protected instead of being the one protecting everyone. Jim wanted to be the hero. Leonard was the guy behind him, making sure he was cared for.

Jim didn't have to explain why he did all this. Leonard knew why. Of course he wanted to ask him how, but they would have time for that later. Now, he only could say what he felt.

"Thank you."

"No problem, Bones."

Leonard learned later that Jim had asked Pike to help him.

 

* * *

 

Third year meant seeing the competitive side of Jim. Leonard was already a doctor, and he only had to take the stupid remedial classes and the basic training conferences. He also was required to take at least eight extra classes to complete credits. However, Jim was taking as many classes as he could so he could graduate in three years. Leonard was lucky to be doing his psychiatric rotation around the same time Jim started to lose his mind with the classes and the comparing himself with other cadets. That helped him dealing with Jim and his whining. Leonard heard particularly about Cupcake and Uhura. The first because he always kicked Jim's ass in training and the second because she didn't even give Jim the time of day.

Lately Jim had been talking about a Gary Mitchell fellow. Apparently he graduated already and was First Officer on the USS Archimedes. He was giving a seminar, and Jim had the luck to work with him. Jim said they hit it off immediately and Mitchell also had issues with Komack. That must have been what Jim found great about this guy.

When Leonard met him, he didn't like him. He looked too fake for his taste. Mitchell and Jim joked about the classes and how when they worked together, they would defy the protocols they both thought were stupid. Leonard only watched them with uncertainty. Jim had this admiring look that he only showed with Pike. Mitchell had already won Jim over, and in some way Leonard felt his friend was playing a dangerous game.

Mitchell was straight, or so he said. Leonard was wary at first that this guy was working his way into Jim's pants, but he seemed indifferent to Jim's charm. Nevertheless, he was up to something, Leonard could sense it. Mitchell looked at Jim like he was the key to something he wanted to accomplish, and Leonard wasn't going to let this man take advantage of his friend. The problem with Jim was that he trusted everyone. You would think that someone that proud and stubborn would have trust issues, but not Jim. If he liked them, he trusted them. Perhaps Jim couldn't see the bigger picture, but Leonard did, and he was ready to step in if Jim needed him.

As unexpectedly as Mitchell had appeared in their lives, he left. He returned to his two year mission, and Jim was left with practising to finally defeat Cupcake. The rants returned and Jim was once again whining about everything. In a weird way, balance was restored.

 

* * *

 

When Leonard returned from his rotation, he entered his dorm room expecting to see Jim bitching about the Tactical defense classes. He was greeted by Jim and another person; a boy, a few years younger. They were talking and laughing. Leonard felt like an intruder.

"Hey Bones!" Jim welcomed him.

"He's a little young, Jim," scolded Leonard, in case his friend was trying to seduce this kid. With Jim you never knew.

"Hey, no jailbait for me after Komack's niece. He's an old friend! Kevin, this is my room-mate, Bones!"

"Leonard McCoy," said Leonard quickly before the kid started thinking it was okay for him to call him 'Bones' too.

"Kevin Riley. Nice to meet you, Bones." Okay, too late.

"I'll leave you two to catch up."

Leonard left them with curiosity. He didn't remember Jim mentioning this kid, and they looked pretty close for Jim not to have brought him up in conversations. When Jim was drunk, he babbled on about everyone. His mom, his brother, his father, Uhura, Cupcake, Pike… he just didn't shut up. And so far, he'd never talked about this Kevin kid. Leonard noticed the kid looked almost like he worshipped the ground Jim walked on.

Jim didn't give him any details about the kid. He just said that he was an old friend, and they'd lost contact a few years back. They crossed paths again in the Academy, but that was all. He didn't add anything about how they met, how they parted ways or what his friend was like. Jim said they had both changed over the years and were just getting to know each other again. So Leonard expected for the kid to be hanging out with them, or at least sharing a few meals. But no, things were exactly the same. Jim affirmed that he said 'hi' when he saw Riley on the hallways, but for a supposed friendship, Leonard thought Jim was rather apathetic. If Leonard brought the subject, Jim only shrugged. He resigned himself to the fact that this was another mystery in Jim's life.

 

* * *

 

Jim hated to lose. Leonard was about the same, but he didn't obsess about it. It was their final year, and every cadet was required to take the Kobayashi Maru test. It was a bitch. Leonard failed miserably, but he didn't care. He was a doctor, not a damn tactical genius. If they wanted to prove his skills, they should bring him a bleeding cadet and then Leonard would show them skills. In fact, they should look at Jim's medical record if they wanted to verify his abilities. The instructor told him he did a 'good job', and then patted him on the back like he was a stupid kid.

But when Jim failed the test… hell unleashed. Jim couldn't believe he'd failed. He'd done everything right and yet he lost the ship.

"It's just a stupid simulation Jim, stop being such a drama queen."

"It's not fair, Bones. I did everything, I even used extra weapons, and they should have at least caused more damage than the test showed. It was rigged or something."

"Why they would rig the test? Just admit you screwed up and move on. You can't win them all."

"That's the point, Bones. All these jerks think you can't face adversity; that you have to resign yourself to it, and just take it like a good soldier. Guess what? My father did that, and it didn't turn out very well for him!"

"Look, Jim…" Leonard was at a loss for what to say. Jim was drunk and angry. He was likely to just start ranting against his father. Sometimes he did that when he was really wasted. He blamed his father because he didn't fight harder. "It's just a test. It doesn't mean you'll face it in real life."

"Really? Then why bother doing it? No Bones, they want to make us get used to failure. If things get ugly, just do what you can and nothing more. You can always do more, you can do things differently. But of course, protocol says 'die like a hero' instead of 'live as a revolutionary'. I can't wait to take the damn test again. I'm gonna nail it."

"What? Are you going for seconds? Jim you won't pass it, nobody does. Take it as an initiation to the space world. You know you can't always win."

"You are wrong. I finally beat Cupcake, when you said I wouldn't make it. You can't give up every time you find an obstacle. I won't do it."

"Why is this so important, Jim?" Leonard was tired, and honestly he didn't know who was drunker, he or Jim.

"I'm gonna prove them wrong. They said you have these 'no win scenarios', I'm gonna show them there is always a way to win. My father wasn't able to do it, but I'm nothing like him."

"That doesn't mean you're invincible."

"I'm not, but I don't give up. People keep pushing me to give up, but I won't."

"Nobody pushes you to give up, Jim; sometimes it's just the only way."

"No, there are other ways. I know. I survived making other ways when people saw giving up as the only option."

"What are you talking about?"

"Everyone kept dying, but I survived. I did it, and showed others how to never give up. This test is bullshit, and I'm gonna prove it."

"Jim, I don't have a clue about what you are saying. I think you're hallucinating."

"I survived. My father should have tried harder. I survived when I had nothing to live for, and he had a family and chose to die."

He survived? He survived what exactly?

"And Kevin, he did it too. They can't teach us to give up; they don't even know how to survive. We know."

Leonard watched his friend closely, but he seemed gone, lost in memories. He didn't say another word. He just passed out on the floor, leaving Leonard wondering what had just happened.

Jim didn't seem to recall anything the next day, even when Leonard brought the subject up. He just kept saying that he was drunk and Leonard should just forget everything. But he couldn't. He needed to know. Leonard kept the fact that Jim mentioned Kevin in his babblings to himself. If Jim wasn't going to give him straight answers, perhaps Kevin would be more willing.

He waited until Jim had the stupid survival training and he was required to spend the week in some desert. Leonard knew he was risking his friendship with Jim, but his friend was still hurt. Like Leonard was before Joanna moved closer to him. Jim had helped him in those times; it was time Leonard did something for him, whether Jim liked it or not.

Leonard asked Riley if they could talk about Jim. The kid seemed reluctant, but nodded anyway. Since it was a private conversation, he suggested talking in Jim and Leonard's room, and as they walked there, Leonard thought about how to approach the subject. Riley probably was evasive like Jim, given that they were friends. If Leonard wanted answers, he had to think how to get them without scaring the kid into silence.

Riley sat down near the desk, and Leonard did the same on his bed, still thinking about the best way to get to the point. Riley just looked at Leonard like expecting for him to ask whatever he wanted to know and be done with this. He didn't seem too eager to share.

"So... how long have you known Jim?" Leonard decided to start casually.

"About 10 years, more or less."

"And how did you two meet?"

Riley frowned like he hadn't expected that question.

"Jim hadn't told you about me?"

"Not really. He is mysterious sometimes."

"Oh. Then I shouldn't say anything either."

The kid was closing any potential conversation. Leonard needed to convince him quickly.

"Look, I know Jim is hiding something. It's probably none of my business, but I want to help him. He doesn't like being vulnerable, I get that. He's my best friend, though; I won't judge him."

"Jim doesn't like to talk about it. If he finds out, he'll probably be angry at both of us."

"I can deal with Jim. He doesn't have to bear the burden alone. I'm here to help him. He can't do everything alone, kid. Jim needs to lean on someone once in a while. And I'm here for that."

Riley looked at Leonard, and smiled.

"Jim's lucky, having a friend like you."

"Yeah, although he forgets that sometimes."

They stayed silent for a while. Leonard knew he shouldn't push the kid anymore, since he would eventually say something. Leonard expected it to be what he wanted to hear.

"Have you ever heard about Tarsus IV?"

Leonard froze immediately. He had heard about it. Everyone in the Academy took an entire seminar about it. It was the worst massacre in the last fifty years. Now that he recalled, Jim didn't take that seminar but still got the credits. Leonard knew he'd talked with Pike, and Jim took a remedial class instead. Jim had never shared why he didn't take it, and avoided the subject whenever Leonard hinted at it.

Hearing Riley, Leonard felt he was about to find out the reason.

"Yes," Leonard said, getting the courage to speak again.

"I won't give you details. You wouldn't understand, and I'm working hard to letting that go, even when I know it's impossible. People say you'll get over it, but it's a lie. You can't, and you won't. The memories, the nightmares, the feelings… they are all there, haunting you."

"Jim was there?" And Leonard wanted to ask 'Why?' 'How?'

"Yes. Jim lived on the farm near my house. He was with his relatives. I don't know exactly why he was sent there. Something about a car and his mother thinking he needed space. Truth is that we didn't get to know each other too well until after the famine. It was after Kodos' decision that we actually bonded. He protected me… protected us. We were kids, we didn't know better. Jim did. He kept fighting, he managed to hide us, and he even fed us. I won't tell you what we had to do to survive. But let me tell you something, I'm sure the damn seminar didn't even begin to cover it." Riley started shaking, and Leonard got closer to try and comfort him "I was almost dead when they found us, Jim was about the same. We lost everything there. Years of therapy won't get back what they took from us. You can't even imagine it."

It was true. Leonard knew his friend had this big secret, but never in a million years had he thought it would be something like this. Now everything made sense. Jim's eating habits, his nightmares, his self-destructive behavior, his need for company. He would never understand what his friend went through.

"Look." Riley stood up, wiping his tears away. "I won't talk about this again, I told you because I know Jim is still feeling guilty about what happened. Like it was his fault the damn fungus and Kodos made our lives a living hell. He was a hero like his dad, and he won't see it. If it wasn't for him I would have been dead. He gave me a second chance at life, and I'm taking it. I wish he'd do the same."

"Thank you for telling me. I know it wasn't easy."

"It's never easy, and you don't even know half of this. I doubt Jim will ever tell you the entire truth, but I know he will let go of his guilt if he shares it with someone. I hope you really meant it about Jim leaning on you, because if you didn't, you better never tell him you know about this."

Riley didn't say anything more, and honestly Leonard didn't know what else was there to say. Riley must be eighteen, nineteen tops. Then he was only eight or nine when that happened. He was only a child, and he had to live through that traumatic event. Leonard had seen it all in his practice, yet this was something new. The problem now was how to approach Jim to let him know Leonard was there for him.

Jim had kept this secret most of his life. It wasn't going to be easy to let it go.

When Jim returned from his training, he looked slimmer and dehydrated. Leonard started chastising him about how he was an idiot for doing that to his body, and took his vitals to get a better reading.

"I'm fine," complained Jim. "I'm used to going without food."

That made Leonard stop immediately. Now that he was aware of things, it was hard to pretend he didn't know what Jim was talking about. Looking back, Jim had hinted a lot about what he'd suffered, but without the key piece Leonard could hardly get the entire puzzle.

"What's wrong, Bones?" Jim noticed how his friend froze.

"Nothing." Leonard tried to recover. "You have low blood pressure, didn't they have a doctor there to make sure everyone was at least within healthy parameters?"

"It's survival training, Bones. You won't have a doctor with you on every mission. You need to manage." Jim was dead serious now, and Leonard knew why he said it with such conviction. Still, it hurt Leonard that his friend felt he needed to do everything alone.

"Well, you will. I'm not letting you out of my sight, even if I have to attach myself to your damn hip." Maybe Jim thought Leonard was kidding, but he certainly wasn't. He was taking care of Jim and he didn't have the right to complain about it.

"Is that an offer, Bones? You are the most romantic guy I've ever meet."

"Drink this." Leonard handed over a bottle of water. "It has salt and minerals. You need to get something to eat, but let's wait before you're hydrated again."

"I'm not hungry anyway." Jim drank almost half the bottle in one gulp.

"I don't care if you aren't hungry, you need the food."

Jim looked up at Leonard with surprise. Leonard tried to act like he hadn't said anything out of the ordinary, but somehow realization struck Jim immediately. Sometimes it wasn't a good thing that his friend was smart.

"You know…" Jim said.

"Look Jim, I just –"

"What did you do? Hack my medical file? I made sure you couldn't do that, how did you accomplish it?"

"I didn't hack your medical file. I… I talked to Riley and he –"

"What?" Jim stood up completely enraged. "How dare you? This is none of your business! You had no right to bother Kevin just because you can't understand what privacy is! Are you satisfied now? You curiosity is finally satisfied? I bet you didn't even imagine how screwed up I was until you got the deepest, darkest secret. I don't need your pity, man, if you want to fix someone, start with yourself!"

Jim headed towards the door, fuming, but Leonard was quicker and he stood between Jim and the exit. He always did that. He ran away when he felt trapped. Leonard wouldn't have it this time. He had the right to be angry and upset, but he was not escaping without hearing what Leonard had to say.

"Move!" demanded Jim.

"No, if you want to go, move me yourself."

"I don't want to hurt you." Jim looked like he really didn't.

"I can say the same, Jim. You are not leaving this room until we talk."

For a moment Leonard thought his friend was going to punch him right in the face. He even lifted his hand in a fist, but he stopped before even reaching Leonard and just looked defeated.

"If we are really going to do this, I need alcohol," Jim sighed, and turned to the bed.

"I have Vodka," offered Leonard.

In silence Leonard poured Vodka into a glass and handed it to Jim, who kept his eyes on the floor. Leonard wondered why his friend didn't just punch him and leave. He wanted to believe it was because Jim trusted him with this, and he finally understood he wasn't alone. But Leonard knew better. Jim probably caved because they were room-mates, and to be honest, Jim didn't have that many friends. He was popular with girls and guys who always ended up in Jim's bed and he goofed around with his classmates, but he didn't have another friend like Leonard. If he decided to just move out of the dorm room and stop talking to Leonard, then Jim would be alone. That was Jim's worst fear. He said he was not a loner, and with what he knew now, Leonard got why.

"I'm sorry." Leonard decided to be the first to talk. "I know it was a dick move going to Riley, but Jim… I don't regret it."

"Why would you? Now you have an excuse to feel sorry for me," Jim spat out, still looking at the floor.

"I'm your friend, Jim. I dare say I'm your best friend. Don't you trust me?"

"This isn't about trust, Bones. It's about privacy. I don't talk about it. I just don't."

"Then don't. I'm not going to force you. But I want to make sure you understand something. I love you, Jim. And I know you'll be impossible about this, but it's the truth. And when you see someone you love carrying a burden that's too heavy, you help. Even when that person is too stubborn, and keeps using your shampoo, and steals your secret stash –"

"I only did that once! You don't even like tequila." At least this time Jim finally looked at Leonard.

"You still love him, and would do anything to be there for him. You are not alone, kid. Whatever happened to you, we all have baggage. Yours is heavier, but it doesn't change who you are, or why I like you. You don't want to talk about it? Fine by me, but if you do want to sometime, I'll listen. You are like my brother, Jim. I'd do anything for you."

Leonard expected a lot of things. Jim saying he was so corny, and just staying silent after that; Jim laughing right in his face; Jim frowning and saying he still wasn't going to say anything. But then, once again, Jim Kirk surprised him. He just hugged him tightly, almost like he was afraid to let go, and whispered "I love you too."

They stayed like that for a while, and then Jim just kept drinking. Leonard accompanied him in silence. He didn't say anything else that night, but they both knew that when Jim felt he was ready, the first person he would share the burden with would be Leonard.

 

* * *

 

Jim kept obsessing about the Kobayashi Maru, bragging about how he was taking the test again and he was passing it. Leonard was so annoyed that he actually stayed in the hospital longer to avoid the rants. However, what he didn't expect when he returned to his room was seeing his half naked friend on top of the Orion woman… he didn't even recall her name.

"Hi, Bones!" Jim said, like this was nothing out of the ordinary.

"I see you are entertaining a guest. You didn't send me a text." Leonard tried very hard to just look away.

"I thought you were staying all night in the hospital."

"I'll take my PADD and leave." Leonard went directly to his nightstand to retrieve the damn PADD, thinking about where he was crashing for the night.

"You are cute," said the Orion… Gala? It was something like that, Leonard was sure.

"Thank you, ma'am." What was he supposed to say?

"How about you join us? We can have fun!"

Leonard froze, looking appalled. Jim just smirked, the bastard, and the Orion woman…. Galia? She winked at him. This was an image Leonard didn't want.

"I'm a doctor, not a damn pimp! I barely tolerate Jim as a friend, I'm not even going to consider sharing a bed with him!"

"Oh." The Orion actually pouted. "How about you just share the bed with me? Jimmy can watch."

Leonard stormed out the room without saying anything, which he expected was answer enough. Leonard spent the night in the hospital, updating charts. Jim stopped sleeping around when he had the Orion (who name was Gaila, now he remembered) secured in his bed. They were fuck buddies, and they both took advantage of each other. But lately Jim was spending most of his free time with her, and when Leonard found out she was some sort of computer genius, he understood why. He wanted something from the girl.

Of course, Jim failed the second time he faced the Kobayashi Maru. And again, Leonard was there to endure his drunken ramblings.

"I told you; nobody passes the damn test." Leonard was amused by how worked up Jim was getting.

"I'll pass it! This isn't over, Bones."

"Oh, I very much believe it is. You can't go for a third round Jim."

"I can, and I will. The rules say a cadet can take the test as many times as he or she wants. Third time's the charm."

"You're humiliating yourself. It's not a big deal, you have the best record here and your grades are almost perfect. Be glad you'll graduate with honors and leave it at that."

"No. Maybe to you it's nothing important, but I won't be defeated by a stupid simulation."

"Jim, come on –"

"I lived when they said I shouldn't. That it was best to die. A simulation can't even create that kind of scenario."

Leonard now was aware of what Jim was referring to, but he kept quiet, letting his friend say what he needed to.

"I guess people won't get it until they actually live something like that. I think that's why Pike is pushing me to be someone. People either see me as George Kirk's son the screw up, or as Winona Kirk's son the damaged. You know what they say about her, right?"

Of course Leonard knew, but he wasn't admitting it.

"I don't pay attention to gossip, Jim."

"Yeah, right. You blame her?"

"What?"

"You blame her for what happened to me on Tarsus IV? You think it was her fault?"

"Jim, I don't know..."

"You think it's her fault." Jim laughed. "It wasn't. She was a good mother. She got married when I was eleven, and the guy was a piece of work. She tried to give us a family, but she didn't choose well. She sent me with my aunt for a while, and it was fine at first, Bones. I actually was having fun, until things started. I hate that Kevin is here. He could do anything, and yet, he chose to be where he could die on any mission. He could live a long happy life, and he chose this."

"So did you," Leonard said.

"Yeah, I guess we're both idiots."

"You know this test is not the same thing, right?"

"It is to me. And mark my words: I'm going to pass it no matter what."

It turned out that Jim was right. He passed it. But then he was on Academy trial for cheating. Everything went downhill from there. The Vulcan instructor, the Nero attack, Jim being marooned and then returned to the ship with a Scottish friend. Leonard honestly felt like everything happened in a blink of an eye.

When they came back home, the first thing Leonard did was go directly to his daughter and hug her. He didn't care about how he was needed in the hospital, or how they were not on leave yet. He felt like everything was ending up there, and he needed to have his daughter to be sure he didn't lose it all.

Starfleet prepared a Memorial for the members of Starfleet who were lost in battle. All the cadets felt the emptiness on the hallways and the Academy grounds. They lost a lot of members, Leonard felt grateful he wasn't among them.

He and Jim stood up in front of the Memorial wall that contained the name of every person who'd died. Jim got closer and put his finger on a particular name. Leonard knew Gaila had died too, and expected for Jim to be depressed, but Jim said she was happy to be serving. She passed away doing what she loved the most; protecting others.

"I could have loved her, you know?" said Jim with sorrow.

"She was something."

"Eventually, I could have loved her. We could have been a couple. She understood me better than anyone."

Leonard had thought the girl was only a fling, but hearing Jim he knew that they'd shared more than Jim let on. Orions were slaves for hundred years. Perhaps Gaila did understand Jim. When they started walking, Jim glanced to the bottom of the wall, distinguishing another name. 'Amanda Grayson'. Jim looked at Leonard, and they both stood there too for a while. Even though she was not a member of Starfleet, Amanda Grayson was honored for her contributions to cultural diversity, being the direct contact between Earth and Vulcan. They knew she was Spock's mother, and Leonard was aware of Jim's guilt because he'd baited Spock with that. Leonard agreed, but it wasn't like Spock hadn't done the same in Jim's trial.

Thankfully this was over, and they would move on to other things. Or so Leonard thought. He honestly didn't expect Spock to request him, let alone add Jim as a First Officer. But he did, and they both accepted the job. Leonard was pleased to share his commission with Jim, but having Spock as the Captain… Leonard would need all his tolerance and patience to endure it.

 

* * *

 

Seeing Jim in a red shirt for the first time was far too familiar. Gossip said that the red uniform was cursed, so Leonard was nagging Jim to being more careful. They'd had no missions so far, but you never knew. Jim, to Leonard's surprise, was acting very professional, doing what he was told and answering politely. It was disconcerting to see his friend this way.

"You're being all polite with the Captain, Jimbo." Leonard looked smug.

"No need to be defying the guy. Besides I need to be on his good side if I want his recommendation for a promotion."

"You're still thinking of getting your own ship next year?"

"Of course. You should come with me, Bones; you know I want you in my crew."

"Yeah, that's what scares me."

"Oh, you love me, don't deny it. Guess what? Pike told me to be friends with Spock."

Leonard wasn't surprised, after all Pike had manipulated Jim into the job. It seemed right that he'd just keep pushing him to see how far he could go.

"I think they should make him take a psychiatric exam. He must have secondary effects from the painkillers," added Jim.

"Well, if they didn't test you, I don't see why they'll test Pike. He acts more normal than you; although he looked rather scheming when I signed my contract."

"He has the crazy idea that Spock and I are too alike and that's why we can't get along. I'm telling you, he is on drugs."

"So? Are you going to have tea parties with the hobgoblin or what?"

Jim was bewildered, which made Leonard wonder what he said to cause this reaction. He was joking, he didn't actually expect Jim to be Spock's friend. But Jim looked like he'd taken it far too seriously.

"I don't have to be Spock's friend." Jim's tone was almost defiant.

"Good, that means you aren't that foolish. I can't picture you being friends with him."

Jim kept complaining about how he was not obliged to get closer to Spock, and Leonard wondered why his friend was so worked up about this. Nobody was forcing him to be friends with Spock, yet he acted like someone was putting a gun to his head and ordering him to approach the damn elf in a personal way.

 

* * *

 

Leonard saw Uhura almost fuming in the hallway. She came close to knocking him down when they passed by.

"Sorry, Doctor McCoy," she said without stopping.

"Hey, are you all right?" Leonard took her wrist gently before she was out of reach.

"I'm fine." She didn't look that way, though.

In Leonard's experience, the only person who could get people this pissed was Jim. What the hell had he done to Uhura now? Leonard thought he was leaving her alone; he'd said so when they started the mission and Leonard asked how he was going to seduce the Lieutenant. In fact, Jim seemed uncomfortable with the subject, and only answered that he was no longer interested in her, which was bullshit because she was really attractive and Jim had chased her all the time in the Academy. Leonard assumed his friend was just waiting for the right time to begin hitting on her again.

He'd probably done it just now, and that's why Uhura was so upset.

"What did Jim do?"

Uhura looked surprised at Leonard.

"I'm not psychic," he added quickly. "I just know how annoying he can be."

"He is really obnoxious," Uhura smiled "but I think I'm overreacting."

"Knowing him, I don't think so. Is there something I can do, Lieutenant? I can inject him with something if you want."

"Well, that's tempting… and please, don't call me Lieutenant, it's far too formal. Nyota will do, Doctor."

Apparently Uhura let everyone use her first name but Jim. Somehow that made Leonard smile.

"Then I insist you call me 'Leonard'. It's only fair."

"Very well, Leonard."

"Just ignore Jim. He will get tired and focus on another person."

"I'm afraid he already did." Uhura looked almost resigned.

"What do you mean?" Leonard was confused. He felt Uhura was speaking of something else.

"Nothing, don't mind me. Goodnight, Leonard."

"Goodnight, Nyota."

That was weird.

 

* * *

 

Leonard heard Chapel saying to Rand that Jim and Spock had dinner yesterday. Together, in the mess hall, where everyone could see them. For them, it was the confirmation of a future romance. Chapel was really invested in those romantic novels, and Rand tagged along. Leonard wanted to say how idiotic that was, but he thought it better. This way the rumors about he and Jim being a couple would end, and since he knew Jim wouldn't get angry with the gossip, he let it go. Honestly, people couldn't see two close friends without thinking they were having an affair. In the Academy Jim even fomented those rumors.

Three days later, Spock was having lunch with them. Leonard felt intrigued about this. Jim was actually trying to reach out to Spock, god knows why. Jim protested (loudly) about how Pike was insane for suggesting he get closer to Spock, yet he was doing it.

When he married Jocelyn, Leonard discovered he was a jealous guy. He was bothered by guys looking at her, or even talking to her. Of course he didn't show it (too much), but it still nagged at him deeply. Now he was getting that feeling back. He didn't love Jim that way, but as he saw how his friend was having dinner with Spock more often, he couldn't help feeling left out. In the Academy, Jim had attached himself to Leonard, and now they were drifting apart. Leonard knew he sound almost childish, Jim was free to have other friends; just not Spock. The guy was trouble, Jim needed a reliable and accepting friend, and Spock wasn't like that. Spock even started to intrude on his meals together with Jim. That bugged Leonard and made him cranky. It was like he was fighting for his friend's attention and losing miserably. Jim even defended Spock.

Something was going on between them, but Leonard couldn't figure it out what it was. Yet.

 

* * *

 

Leonard decided to carefully observe the interactions between Jim and the hobgoblin. They acted polite and they mostly seemed to engage in conversations about the ship and improvements. Nothing too personal or relevant.

Then the baby came.

Leonard felt apprehensive the minute Jim said the Tersu mission was labelled as dangerous. If Jim always managed to get hut in the most stupid ways on diplomatic assignments, this was bound to be a disaster. It got worse when he heard that Spock wasn't beaming down, and the landing party consisted of only Jim and three other guys from the security department, including Cupcake.

"Why the hell won't Spock beam down? He's the damn Captain!"

"You just answered the question, Bones. He is the Captain, we can't risk him."

"Maybe you can't," muttered Leonard.

"What?"

"You heard me. This is our first serious assignment, and he's just staying on the damn ship. I don't see why. He should beam down, and you should stay right here."

"Look, I appreciate the concern, but protocol actually dictates that –"

"To hell with protocols! You never follow them anyway! This is you, risking your damn neck while the hobgoblin sits in his damn chair and wishes you were dead."

Leonard knew he'd gone too far. Jim looked rather appalled by his words. He'd just lost control when he heard Jim actually justifying his actions, like it was not because he wanted to protect Spock, but because protocol obliged him to. They both knew better, and Leonard was not going to let Jim get away with this. This was not a stupid dinner or a medical discussion. This was Jim in actual danger.

"You're being too dramatic, Bones. I'll be fine."

"You don't know that, Jim, and the fact that you want to beam down instead of Spock should tell you how wrong you are."

"Bones, you know it's my duty. I'm his First Officer."

"Yeah, but he's the Captain. Pike went to Nero's ship because he was in charge."

"Nero requested him specifically, Bones. You're being unreasonable."

"I'm being unreasonable? Fine, do whatever you want."

"Bones –"

"I said fine! Now leave, I'm busy."

They didn't speak until the next day. By then Leonard had assimilated things, and understood that his friend was half right. It was his job to protect the ship _and_ Spock. But still irritated him how Jim jumped into things without looking back. The only thing that he could do was be there when Jim needed to be patched up.

Luckily Jim only received a good punch, and he had cuts and scratches, but that was it. The baby he kidnapped… or rescued, according to him, was a different story. The moment Leonard ran a quick scan on her, he realized she had different brain activity. He called M'Benga, confirming what he'd guessed. The baby was Betazoid, and had somehow managed to create an empathic link with Jim. The girl was in distress when Jim held her, and since he projected confidence to her, she immediately held up on that. That was why she wouldn't let anyone get near her, except Jim.

Leonard was afraid Jim would get too attached to the baby. Then they would both be devastated.

It was the first time Leonard was grateful for Spock's voodoo nature. It would be beneficial for the baby to be in contact with a touch telepath. M'Benga was the one who suggested it, and since medically it was the right thing to do, Leonard didn't object. Besides, watching Spock trying to get out of it was fun.

"The infant seems closer to Commander Kirk. I do think it is enough."

"Stop arguing. You need to spend time with her."

Spock glared at Leonard; of course, he only knew it was a glare because he received it on a daily basis.

"Captain, I agree with Doctor McCoy. We suggest that you try to share some of your mental boundaries with the baby, it could be good for her mental and empathic development." M'Benga was the one with the diplomacy.

Jim was getting awfully close to Spock, and Leonard wondered why. Jim was carrying the baby, so it wasn't like he was aiming for a hug (and it disturbed Leonard that he thought his friend would actually hug Spock). Then the girl extended her hand and touched Spock's ear. Everyone in sickbay froze, and even Chapel was stunned. If she could have taken a picture, she would for sure. The baby giggled, like it was something amusing. Well, it was, but maybe they were too bewildered to react. Spock was so stiff he looked almost like he was going to snap.

However what caught Leonard's attention and shock was Jim. He was smiling, nothing new, but not at the baby, at Spock. He was smiling at Spock; an actual smile, without sarcasm.

Leonard was at loss as to what was happening in front of his very own eyes. It was like Jim was getting more involved with Spock, and the rest of the world had stopped existing. Leonard only felt that with Jocelyn. Jim had better not be falling for the damn elf, because that was a mess that even Leonard couldn't help Jim with.

 

* * *

 

When he reached the mess hall, Leonard saw the gossip table, and went directly to it. He needed to see how the rumors were progressing. It was the noisiest table. Sulu and Chekov were sitting there too, it must be really juicy.

"Good morning," he greeted.

The table went silent immediately. Of course, he was Jim's best friend. They weren't gossiping about him right to his face.

"Good morning, Doctor McCoy." Chapel smiled gently, although she looked frustrated, maybe because Leonard had just cut out the fun.

When Leonard sat down, everyone kept quiet.

"Anyone seen the happy couple?" Leonard asked casually.

That changed things almost instantly. Chapel was almost beaming at him.

"They do look happy, right?" Rand started speaking.

"Yeah, they are so adorable. Before the baby, they barely spent any time together," Chapel sighed.

"Yeah, that's why they want to adopt her." Leonard tried very hard not to smirk.

"Really?" Chekov and Rand asked at the same time.

"Of course. They're a family now, the girl needs her mother and father. They have to adopt her."

"Who would be the mother?" Sulu looked curious.

"Jim, of course," intervened Leonard. "Haven't you see him with the baby?"

"Well, the Commander does seem kind of maternal."

"And the Captain is very protective of them. Yesterday he reprimanded Scotty because he made a toy for the baby that was 'unsafe'. He also repeatedly asks if the Commander is well, and if he's sleeping."

What? Leonard didn't know that. Why Spock would ask Jim if he was sleeping? Did Jim have problems with his sleep? And if he did, why hadn't he told Leonard about it? He had nightmares about Tarsus, Leonard knew that. But Jim always said that not even pills helped him, and usually they just kept talking until the next day. Apparently now he had another person who could help him with that. Leonard wasn't jealous. He was… damn, he was jealous.

He needed to get over this thing, and the only way to accomplished that was encouraging the crew to gossip about the new family on the Enterprise (it made sense when Leonard thought about it). However, he felt that somehow it was more real than he would like. Jim naming the baby 'Amanda' just confirmed it. It was real. Spock and Jim weren't adopting the girl, but they'd sure formed some sort of relationship that Leonard thought was beyond friendship.

It was time to say goodbye to the baby, and Leonard was sad. She was fun while they took care of her, and had helped them adapt to the job. They were going to miss her. But Jim was going to be devastated. He looked like he was broken. Saying goodbye was never easy.

After his shift, Leonard took his finest vodka. Jim would need it now that he was going to spend the night alone for the first time since they rescued the baby. Thinking of ways to cheer him up, Leonard was heading to his friend's room. When he turned into the hallway that led to Jim's room, he stopped immediately when he saw Spock already standing outside the door. Hiding behind the wall, Leonard watched as Jim opened the door, and they spoke for a few minutes. Then, to Leonard's surprise, Spock went inside the room, and Jim closed the door quietly.

Leonard stood there a while, feeling lost. What the hell was happening between those two? Now instead of just feeling left out, Leonard felt replaced.

Jim was acting like normal, but Leonard felt almost like he'd betrayed him. Sure, Jim had the right to have other friends. But did it have to be Spock? Then Leonard remembered his friend's propensity to get closer to his flings. Gaila had lasted a while. Leonard was sure his friend wasn't sleeping with anyone… yet. In fact, all his free time was spent either with him, or with Spock. And since he wasn't sleeping with him that only left Spock.

No, but it couldn't be. Spock was a Vulcan, he didn't do the fling thing. Although Jim could be very persuasive, it was impossible.

Wasn't it?

 

* * *

 

It was the fourth time Jim had insisted on Sulu in having a meal with Spock. Sulu was very timid with the Captain, yet Jim kept pushing him. After Sulu left them, Leonard decided to ask his friend what he intended to accomplish with his harassment of Sulu.

"Why are you forcing Sulu to have lunch with Spock? He's a big boy, he can choose his own friends."

"I know, I just want them to get closer."

"Why?"

"Well… I was thinking –"

"You lost me," Leonard grinned.

"Ha, ha. Anyway, you know I'm leaving in a year. I was thinking about who can take my place."

"And you decided Sulu was the best option because…?"

"You're out of the question, Uhura doesn't have enough experience and Scotty almost bit my head off when I hinted at it. Sulu's the best choice. I'd like to leave someone I can trust, and I know Sulu will have Spock's best interests in mind."

Leonard frowned. Jim was being excessively thorough because he wanted his replacement to care for Spock as much as he cared. By every passing day Leonard was more convinced that Jim was having a fling with Spock. Why would he care so much if he wasn't involved with the elf?

 

* * *

 

When Uhura and Sulu dragged Jim to sickbay, Leonard immediately injected the vaccine into his neck. Jim was completely red and swollen; it was almost like back at the Academy when he gave Jim peanuts by accident. Then Spock came, and of course, he was interested in what Jim had to say.

Leonard wasn't sure if those two were sleeping together, or they were about to do it, but when he saw the opportunity to mock Jim for the new mission, he took it quickly. Even when it involved Sulu too, Leonard wasn't going to leave it alone. Adopting a plant deserved to be teased.

What he didn't expect was to see the hobgoblin jealous. He was so stiff when Jim said he would kiss Sulu, that he was surprised nobody else noticed it. Well, when he glanced at Uhura, he saw that she was also tense. She was the elf's friend, perhaps she was as against the fling as Leonard was.

Leonard was going to use this new gossip to make Jim spill the truth about him and the elf. A fling with Spock wasn't a good idea, and it could only end badly. Those two kept having dinners together almost every night, and they were 'playing chess'. Leonard knew how euphemism worked with Jim. This was no different from when said he was 'studying' when he was actually sleeping with Gaila.

Jim invited Spock to poker night. Leonard was livid. It was one thing that he was sleeping with him (or was about to), but to shove him into all their shared activities was too much. It was like being back at high school when girls didn't want to be separated from their boyfriends. Thank god one of them had common sense, since Spock declined. Still, given that Jim hadn't say anything about the little relationship he had with Spock, Leonard was going to bring the subject up as soon as he could. Something had to be done.

And he saw the perfect opportunity when they were left alone. Jim denied it, but Leonard thought it was only because he didn't want to confess to sleeping with Spock because… why would he want to admit it? Then Jim said Spock was dating… someone else.

It was hard to believe that Spock actually was dating another person. The guy spent almost all his free time with Jim, who in seven hells could be dating a robot who was occupied with his First Officer? When Jim let slip who the person was, Leonard thought ' _yeah, right_ '. Uhura couldn't be dating Spock, she was a smart girl. But of course, Jim started defending the damn hobgoblin, ranting about how he had qualities Leonard didn't see and more crap like that. He was annoying when he was protecting the elf. That pissed Leonard off even more. He wasn't getting any and yet he was all over the place just because Leonard had told the truth.

Leonard didn't believe Jim. Uhura couldn't be dating Spock; honestly, they didn't even share meals anymore. And Leonard was going to prove it. He was going to observe them closely.

Of course, they noticed his scrutiny right away. Leonard was sure he was being discreet, apparently he thought wrong. Jim always said he was the most imprudent person he knew, since every time Jim said 'look at that girl' Leonard turned around shamelessly, being as obvious as he could.

Still he maintained his point. Uhura and Spock were not a couple. Jim was falling for the elf, whether he saw it or not, and maybe Spock wasn't too indifferent to Jim. Leonard had promised himself he wasn't going to fall in love again, but that didn't mean he couldn't see who else was doing it around him. The damn ship was becoming a love fest. Jim and the elf weren't the only ones oblivious to their feelings. If Leonard saw Chekov pouting one more time after Chapel said Sulu and Spock had a lunch date, he was going to scream. And the same Chapel was lusting over the elf too, even when she spread the gossip about Jim and Spock. Apparently the only sane ones were Uhura, Scotty and him. And that should be proof enough of the problems that love brought for everybody.

He hated to be the only one knowing what the hell was going on. Leonard wondered if the entire ship was blind. Perhaps he was aware of things because he actually knew Jim. And honestly, his friend was digging his own grave with the elf. He wasn't staying the 5 years anyway, he didn't need to be getting on Spock's good side by sleeping with him. And to prove his point, if Uhura really was dating Spock, how come she wasn't angry about the new friendship her so called boyfriend had with Jim? But then Leonard recalled the time when Uhura almost knocked him down. That would explain why she was so pissed. In fact, it made sense if they were dating. When they started, Nyota was the only person who could touch Spock, and personal space was non-existent between them. Now it was more like a friendly respect, but he saw nothing more. Uhura was to Spock what Leonard was to Jim, just good friends, not compatible for romance.

 

* * *

 

Jim was moping because Spock was angry. Apparently he didn't take Leonard's stares well, and took it to mean Jim was a gossip and couldn't be trusted. Or so Jim said.

"I told you to stop!" Well, Spock wasn't the only one angry.

"Jim, he'll get over it. He is Vulcan," Leonard sighed.

"Yeah, and he's probably done dealing with me by now. I'm pissed at you."

"I got that. What do you want from me? Do you want me to humiliate myself with the elf and see if that makes him forgive you?"

"Like you're really going to do that." Jim glared. "You got what you wanted, Spock won't talk to me anymore. Let me know who else on this damn ship is on your bad side, so I can avoid being near them and save us the trouble!"

Jim stormed out of Sickbay in one of his dramatics exits. Leonard was surprised. Jim was taking this seriously. He was truly worried that the elf wasn't going to speak to him anymore. He looked almost like he was missing something with Spock's absence. This was worse than he'd thought.

Jim was falling hard, and that left Leonard with two options. He could take advantage of the situation, and make things between Jim and Spock fall apart. Or he could talk to Spock, and then witness his friend getting into a huge mess that would only hurt him. He remembered that on one of the drunken nights Jim and he shared, Jim had asked him if he would change anything in his life. If he had the choice, would he marry Jocelyn again? Leonard answered yes. True, they were miserable in the final stage of their marriage, but they were once happy. Leonard had honestly felt happy with that woman, he was so happy he thought she was the one to share the rest of his life. Jim then said something that his mother told him when he saw her crying about his dad. She told Jim 'I prefer a small moment of happiness to a long life without knowing how it feels.'

He hated seeing his friend hurt. But he also wanted for him to be happy. Sometimes you couldn't have both.

Talking to Spock was almost torture for Leonard. The guy was unbearable, and he had the nerve to judge him. Still, he wanted to help Jim to get his way, even when he felt it was a terrible idea. Only for that he didn't punch the damn elf.

 

* * *

 

The crew were already gossiping and, of course, blamed everything on Jim. Since Jim had attached himself to Leonard's hip again, he had barely time to share meals with others. However, he saw an opportunity when Jim was asked to help Giotto with training. He sat next to Chapel (she was the most informed about everything), then he saw Rand, Chekov, Sulu and Scotty sitting around them.

"How were things on the Bridge?" asked Chapel.

"Uncomfortable," answered Chekov.

"I don't know what the Commander did, but he should apologize to the Captain." Rand shook her head. "They were going so well."

"Maybe it wasn't the Commander's fault." Chekov looked affronted.

"That's why I prefer machines," Scotty smiled. "Less trouble"

"Well, now the Commander is also acting reserved with the Captain, I don't think it's the best way to get things fixed," said Sulu.

"He tried, and the Captain didn't want to, he can't force him." Chekov seemed angrier with every comment thrown.

"He could try again." Sulu was defensive too.

"What for? To be ignored again?" Chekov scowled directly at Sulu.

Damn love fest on the damn ship. Leonard was appalled at how Jim and the elf were defining every relationship around them. Rand and Chapel looked slightly taken aback and Scotty was, as usual, ignorant of everything. Leonard knew Chekov had a hero-crush on Jim. The kid was young, he didn't know any better. He always jumped out to defend Jim when necessary. And it looked like Sulu was doing the same for Spock, although Leonard wondered why, since Spock and Sulu only talked about the damn plant Sulu had adopted or scientific stuff. At least Jim and Chekov shared a few social things like old music and poker games.

"What do you think, Doctor McCoy?" Scotty interrupted the argument Sulu was about to make.

Leonard could make this go further, or just stop it. Gossiping was fun at first, but now it was getting too personal.

"I think it's none of our damn business. They haven't done anything to us, and are the same persons we like and respect. They're big boys, they can solve their own problems."

Scotty smiled, like he knew that Leonard would take care of things. Like he always did when Jim was involved.

"At least we know whose side you two are on." Chapel dared to smile. "I wasn't aware you didn't like the Captain, Chekov."

"I do like the Captain. I don't agree with how he is treating the Commander, but I do like him."

And that was the point right there. Leonard agreed with Chekov on one thing: they both disliked the way Spock was acting towards Jim, except Chekov liked the elf and Leonard didn't.

 

* * *

 

When Leonard entered the mess hall next day, he honestly expected Jim to be ready to jump on him and force him to have breakfast together, even when he only wanted to get coffee and leave. Sometimes his friend forgot they had different shifts and Leonard didn't have the same free time as Jim. When he glanced around, he almost fell over backwards. Spock was with Jim… at the same table… talking. Well, it looked like mostly Jim talking, but Spock was there too, and Leonard dared to say he was actually listening. Uhura was also with them, although she looked kind of left out.

Leonard sat down next to Jim, and it was like nothing had happened. He liked to think his apology to Spock was what got some sense into the Vulcan's thick head, but then he heard all about Chekov talking to the elf, and the 'puppy eyes' that were thrown around gamma shift (Leonard didn't know if those were Jim's or Chekov's). It was clear that he wasn't the only one trying to get those two together. But if Jim was right, and Spock and Uhura were dating (they weren't, but whatever) it couldn't be fun for her hearing everyone joking about them and comparing them to an old married couple. This only confirmed what Leonard thought: they were dating at the beginning of the mission, they weren't anymore. That would explain also why the elf had gotten closer to Jim.

Well, at least now Jim was going to leave him alone. Leonard didn't agree with what his friend was getting into, but as usual, he was ready to help him. And if Spock dared to hurt him, Leonard would kick his Vulcan ass no matter what.

 

* * *

 

Sickbay was usually quiet in the afternoon. Leonard liked it that way, it was almost peaceful. Then of course came Jim, disturbing his relaxed shift. He didn't say anything; he just sat down in front of Leonard's desk, looking like a zombie. Apparently the sleeping problems were back.

"Nightmares?"

"No."

Jim didn't add anything, so it was up to Leonard to guess what the hell was going on. He hated this game.

"Spock didn't put out?"

"What? No!" Jim looked mortified. So it involved the elf, then.

"Jim, just tell me. If you came it's obviously because you want to talk about something, I doubt you are here for my charming personality."

"You are pretty charming," smiled Jim. "I just… forget it, it's stupid."

"Yeah, I don't doubt that. Still, wouldn't mind hearing it."

"You'll think I'm crazy."

"I already think that. Whatever has your panties in a twist isn't going to change it."

This had to be something extremely private for Jim to be this anxious. Oh god, let it not be that he finally slept with the hobgoblin, Leonard couldn't bear to hear that.

"Look... lately… Well, not lately… since we started the mission… I've had these… images in my head."

"I'm going to need a little bit more information, Jim," Leonard prompted when Jim just kept silent.

"I think I'm hallucinating."

"What?" Leonard stood up quickly, grabbing the nearest scanner. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"Because it… well… it _felt_ real."

"But it isn't… right?" Leonard frowned. Everything seemed normal; perhaps a neurological scan would be more precise.

"I don't think so. I also don't think those images are mine."

"What do you mean they're not yours? What the hell are you babbling about?"

"Do you know how mind melds work?" Jim looked deadly serious now.

Mind melds? Why would he want to know about them? Then he remembered… Vulcan aboard, Jim being all clingy with him… damn it, why didn't he see it sooner?

"I'm going to kill that elf!" Leonard spat out.

"Spock didn't do anything to me!" defended Jim, and Leonard barely contained his sarcastic come back. "I swear. Well, not this one anyway. I just… look, do you know or not?"

"I know they're dangerous. It's not healthy for someone to poke into your head and exchange information. Who knows what can be transferred in those things. What do you mean _not this one_? There are two of them?"

"Transferred… that's it! Thanks Bones, you are a life saver!"

"Wait, you are not going anywhere until you tell me what the hell is going on!"

"I'll tell you later Bones, I promise."

"Yeah, I've heard that before. You won't leave until you tell me everything!"

"Give me a week. I promise I'll come clean with you, I just need to get things straight first."

Leonard didn't like it, but he knew Jim wasn't caving.

"Fine. One week, but mark my words, if you haven't say anything by then, I'm going to put you on quarantine."

"I need to have something contagious for that, don't I?"

"Oh, don't worry about that part, I already have it covered."

Jim pouted, walking away from Leonard's office. Still, he would investigate things on his own and he hoped he wouldn't regret it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that the chapter summary isn't a required field! Now I don't know if I should skip it or keep putting the excerpt thing. Moving on, Anbessette deserves a lot of love for betaing this monster chapter. We love you, honey!


	7. Chapter 3A: Operibus credita et non verbis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are you telling me that you want Jim? Jim Kirk?"
> 
> "I believe that was what I said."

Jim decided it was best to ignore those images he got every once in a while. He talked to Bones about it just to make sure he wasn't going crazy, but when they mentioned mind melds Jim understood what could be happening here. Bones said that in mind melds you transferred information, so he probably had some of the old Spock's memories. Jim tried to be cool when he reached this conclusion. The images clearly indicated that those two had something going on in their time, and he was trying so hard to be rational about the whole thing. It wasn't them, that James Kirk was Captain, and he had different eyes (and he was chubbier, he watched his weight better). It was crazy to feel awkward around Spock (the young one) because he had some sort of residual memories that weren't even their business. If that Spock and that James Kirk had a beautiful and corny romance, it didn't mean that it was their obligation to share that fate in this time. He and Spock were different people, although now Jim understood the fondness in Spock's eyes when he saw him on Delta Vega. Jim tried to stop thinking about it so much, because if he wanted to understand how Spock and he were that close in the other dimension, time or whatever… well, honestly he didn't want to understand it. He would talk with the Ambassador about this and ask him to please retrieve his memories from Jim's head and everything would be back to normal, there was no need to freak out and it could be worse. At least they were clothed.

But apparently his talk with Ambassador Spock would have to wait since they got a new mission, and it was classified as dangerous. It was very similar to the Tersu's assignment and Jim got excited. Maybe he could rescue another baby and have fun; however, he shouldn't have shared this with Spock and Bones.

"I do not see how the two missions could be exactly the same. Moreover you are more experienced and I doubt you will encounter another infant in need of rescue."

"Don't suck out all the fun, Spock," said Jim. "I guess the landing party should be again Giotto, Edwards and Cravers."

"I assume you are counting yourself too," Bones scowled at Jim.

"Of course."

"I will also beam down with the team."

Jim looked at Spock, sighing. The guy always insisted in beaming down when protocol clearly dictated otherwise. For once protocols and Jim were in agreement, he wouldn't let Spock ruin that for him.

"Are we going to have this chat every time, Spock? It's against protocol for you to beam down. You have a disposable First Officer. You should take advantage of that."

"I do not believe I have a _disposable First Officer_." Spock blinked "Furthermore, I question this policy. A Captain needs field experience that only dangerous missions can provide."

"The regulation doesn't mean that you'll be on the ship all the time, it's just a precaution to avoid risky situations. Once the First Officer makes sure the Captain won't be dead the second he beams down, he can join the party." Jim never thought he would be defending Starfleet policy. Pike must be smirking somewhere.

"I still maintain my point; that would limit the field experience for the Captain and it does not make sense."

"Look, I don't make the rules."

"You don't follow them either," added McCoy, finally seeing an opportunity to speak.

"Thanks Bones," Jim glared at McCoy.

"Whatever may be, Commander, I am joining the landing party."

"You are aware you are defying protocols, right?" Jim tried to sound neutral. "It wouldn't look good on your so far clean record."

"Leave the concerns about my record to me. I am beaming down."

"Great, Komack will think I'm corrupting you," complained Jim.

"I will make sure to express clearly your opposition to my decision. The choice is entirely my responsibility and the Admiralty will be informed of that."

"I just don't see why you want to beam down. You're risking yourself unnecessarily, I can handle this."

"I know you are capable of completing the mission; that is not the point."

"I still think you shouldn't beam down, but hey, you're in charge, do as you want."

Both Bones and Spock looked at Jim, but he was too busy scowling to really notice if they were surprised or just amused at seeing Jim this worked up. Spock was being unreasonable. There were safer missions for him to get 'field experience'; he didn't need to choose the one with the planet in the middle of a conflict.

"Thank you Commander," said Spock finally "your permission is always welcomed."

Okay, great, now Spock was baiting him too. If Jim wasn't so angry with the Vulcan for his stupid, careless decision, he would be laughing. It was Jim's responsibility to keep Spock out of danger and he was just making his job difficult. Jim tried to convince himself that what really bothered him was that Spock wasn't making things easy for them; Jim could let Giotto and the rest take care of themselves, they were trained. But when the Captain beamed down, the First Officer was almost like a bodyguard for him. He wondered how Number One had managed to protect Pike, since she was… well, a woman. Maybe that was how they got together in the first place (rumors said they were kind of a couple when they both served), but that was beside the point. This was about Spock being stupid, and Jim had never expected to see those two words in the same thought.

"Don't pout, it won't work," said Bones smirking.

"You should be convincing him that this is a bad idea," protested Jim.

"I don't see why. For once, I agree with him. He needs the experience, and if he gets shot, I get to experiment on him."

Spock blinked at McCoy, and Jim just smacked him on the arm.

"Doctor McCoy, I am aware of your dark sense of humor, however I trust that you will not be offended if I request Doctor M'Benga when I am in need of medical services."

"None taken, I'd do the same if our roles were reversed."

Great, now those two were bonding over opposing Jim. This was getting better and better.

"If that's all, can I be excused, _Captain_?" Bones smirked at Jim, knowing how he hated it when McCoy used his mocking tone.

"Yes doctor, you will be updated with the mission's specifications; dismissed."

"And you," Bones jabbed his finger on Jim's chest "got only four days left."

"Yeah, I know." Jim sighed. He expected for Bones to just forget his last visit to Sickbay. The week was ending and he still didn't know what to say to his friend.

When McCoy left the Conference room, Spock looked at Jim with a lifted eyebrow. Even though Spock always complained that humans were too curious for their own good, Vulcans weren't that different.

"My next physical," lied Jim. "Bones gets crabby if I don't stop by when it's programmed."

"I see. Very well, then we should discuss the upcoming mission."

"I just want to say that you beaming down is a bad idea, and you shouldn't do it." Jim knew it was pointless to repeat the same thing; Spock didn't change his mind just because he heard the same argument over and over. Still, it was worth a try.

"Duly noted. May we proceed?"

Honestly, it was like talking to a snippy wall that retorted with logical arguments. Well, if Spock was stubborn, so was Jim, and he was planning his own strategy for the mission without Spock knowing it. After all, the primary task was protect Spock, even when he objected to it. Yeah, Spock was strong and he had tons of freaky abilities (like that weird fighting style Jim saw him do a few weeks back), but in battles instinct beat logic, and that was something Spock still didn't understand.

* * *

Commander Kirk kept voicing his objections to Spock's decision. He did not understand why it was so difficult for Kirk to just accept Spock's resolution. Spock knew that perhaps the Commander was concerned about failing the mission; nevertheless he was not going to be an obstacle to the completion of the assignment. Contrary to Kirk's beliefs, Spock was skilled in battle and was capable of taking care of himself. The Commander worried needlessly.

Nyota sat down next to Spock's chair in the Laboratory department, smiling while doing so.

"I was send here to convince you not to beam down."

Spock should have seen this coming. So far the Commander had sent Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Chekov to support his point about the mission. He had even sent Mister Scott who really had no idea what he was doing in the mess hall at the same table as Spock. He just said that Kirk told him that Spock had sandwiches. Perhaps Mister Scott had forgotten what the main point was, as he just focused on the food. The Engineer had a strange fascination with nourishment and machines.

"I see you are not unaffected by Commander Kirk's persuasiveness," said Spock calmly.

"He was more annoying than persuasive, but I wanted to shut him up. Why is he so obsessed with this?"

"The Commander thinks I will be detrimental to the mission."

"How so?"

"Since I am the Captain, he expressed his apprehension that the natives will take advantage of that and try to attack me to obtain control. Although I am capable of taking care of myself, Commander Kirk does not seem to think so. I believe he does not want the mission to be unsuccessful and he thinks that my involvement would lead to failure."

Spock was a rational being. He knew the Commander's wariness was to be expected and he even agreed with him; however it also bothered him that Kirk only saw him as trouble and did not acknowledge his abilities. He had thought that the need to prove himself had ended when he finished his Vulcan education. In addition, he was the Captain; he did not need the Commander's approval.

Still, he did not like it when he and Kirk had tactical differences. It could be unfavorable on the mission if they did not act with the same purpose. Spock suggested that Commander Kirk should stay aboard since he was so vocal about wanting to follow protocols. Commander and Captain cannot beam down at the same mission if it is labeled as dangerous. The ship must have someone in charge in all times. Of course, Kirk refused in his vocal way. He even added a few sexual comments that Spock did not understand. They discussed it for two hours before McCoy interrupted the meeting and acted as an intermediary between them, which Spock found perplexing.

Spock wanted to order Kirk to stay on the ship, though he knew it would be hypocritical since he also was defying protocols and he had no moral ground to demand anything of Kirk. Spock was aware of his authority over the Commander and he did not want to use it unfairly. They were both beaming down and both respecting tactical decisions. And Kirk would acknowledge Spock's orders if necessary. McCoy then said "About time you two kissed and made up" while Commander Kirk blushed deeply.

Somehow Spock's interactions with the doctor had been more tolerant and they seemed to have reached a respectful relationship with 'friendly banter' as Kirk put it. Spock was reluctant to admit that he found hassling the doctor entertaining. Kirk commented that the doctor felt the same way, although he was in what Kirk called 'denial'.

It bothered Spock that even when they already reached an understanding, Kirk kept sending crew members to try and dissuade him about the mission.

"Maybe he's just worried about you," Nyota smiled tenderly. "He is very protective."

"Worry is illogical. I am capable of defending myself."

"But he doesn't want you to get hurt, Spock; he's just trying to be nice."

Lately Nyota had been expressing her support for almost every action Commander Kirk took. He was not aware of the moment in which Nyota had decided she would no longer antagonize Kirk, but it must have been quite an event since now she shared meals with the Commander and had even started call him by his given name.

"His motivations do not change the fact that I am beaming down with the landing party, no matter how many crew members he sends on his behalf." Spock expected for Nyota to spread the word and the crew to stop joining Kirk's crusade.

"Chekov's puppy eyes didn't have an effect on you?" asked Nyota, amused.

"I do not see how the Ensign's eyes would compare to a small canine, although if it is a metaphor then I do not understand its meaning."

Nyota laughed lightly like she often did when Spock stated facts. The Vulcan no longer felt disconcerted by this reaction like he was when they started interacting; nonetheless he still found it illogical to just laugh when nothing amusing had been said.

"Jim just worries too much, Spock." Nyota stood up. "He does that when he cares."

Watching Nyota leave, Spock wondered what she really meant by her comment. Spock knew Commander Kirk cared about the Enterprise and its crew members. Kirk had even assigned a gender to the ship, calling it 'her'. Mister Scott also did that. It was disconcerting for Spock that Kirk gave an inanimate object a gender and yet refused to acknowledge the plant Mister Sulu claimed as their daughter. Spock thought that the way Nyota said that Commander Kirk cared hinted at something more.

* * *

Jim didn't know how they had gone from talking with the planet's representatives to someone shooting at them; stupid planet and stupid conflict. Apparently there was a huge disagreement between two main groups about the borders. One thing led to another and Jim and Spock ended up behind a building that was far too unstable for them to actually feel safe there until Scotty managed to beam them back to the Enterprise. Edwards was shot, badly. Giotto took him to sickbay right away while the rest of the landing party and Scotty glanced at Edwards' leg.

"Well, they weren't so keen on hearing our arguments," Jim bit out. "Let's hope they kill each other and forget about us."

"I agree that the negotiations could have been handled better, yet we still have to beam back to finish the mission."

"Are you insane? They didn't want us there! You heard them; we are outsiders who don't know their ways!" Jim felt like punching something. "We can't go back."

"I agree. You should stay on the Enterprise and monitor everything. I will take another two members from the security team," said Spock.

"Yeah, right." If Spock thought Jim would just stay there and watch, he was stupid. "I'm coming too."

"I strongly suggest that you stay on board." Spock looked coolly at Jim.

"I don't care if you make it an order; I'm still going to beam down the planet with you. I can't make you stay, so either we both stay here, or we both go back. Your choice."

Jim felt he was in a staring contest with Spock. After a few minutes (that were almost like hours for Jim) Spock nodded curtly and Jim took his position next to Spock. Cravers joined them and Giotto, covered in Edwards' blood, arrived just in time to go with them.

* * *

The Advani mission was difficult. Spock was tired after two days of negotiations that started with a battle. When they beamed down for the second time, Kirk made a tactical move and got one of the leaders to talk to them. The Commander's persuasiveness helped to establish communication and at least the natives stopped shooting and blowing up buildings. Spock remembered from the Academy how many conflicts started with miscommunications. This one was no exception and when they finally were amenable into listening, both parties came to an agreement. Starfleet was only sent as a mediator; still, Commander Kirk expressed his ideas about how they could avoid this kind of misunderstanding in the future. Spock realized that Kirk always meddled with things that did not concern him in any way. Fortunately, so far it had not caused any harm; nonetheless, Spock feared that on future missions Kirk's mouth would lead them to trouble. He could easily order the Commander to behave and keep his thoughts to himself, but Spock did not want to. That would mean undermining Kirk's command and would be disrespectful to the Commander's 'individual characteristics' as he and Nyota had discussed.

He concluded that it would be best for the two of them if Spock went with the Commander on every mission to guarantee that he did not cause any harm. Kirk was going to be loud and insufferable when he realized it.

Doctor McCoy informed them that Mister Edwards was badly injured, and he would need physical therapy. The doctor suggested that Edwards should go back to Earth and re-enlist when his leg was fully functional. Spock agreed, and besides, he was curious about this security member. He was either not trained properly or he was incompetent. He was the one who was almost shot on the Tersu mission and on this mission he was the only member of the Security department who got injured. He would have to talk with Kirk about this.

They were giving a briefing to Admiral Pike, who looked satisfied with the turn of events.

"So you made your Captain beam down to a hostile planet, Kirk. That was very rude on your part." The Admiral smiled while saying this. Spock was at loss as to whether he was angry or content.

"He was the one who didn't want to stick to protocols. I just obeyed orders," Kirk shrugged.

Spock wanted to clarify that while he had, in fact, broken protocols, Kirk did not obey orders. He had still beamed down with Spock when he had given specific instructions to the contrary.

"You can't blame Spock for wanting to get things done without making them worse first. You mess things up all the time Kirk, we only ever get problems with you."

"The Commander was rather efficient," added Spock without knowing why. Somehow he felt the Admiral's comment was a criticism and he did not appreciate others making judgments when they were not familiar with their dynamic. Spock was aware that most of the Admirals probably thought that he was too permissive with Kirk. He did not care; they were the ones who had compelled the Commander to serve on the Enterprise. Even though Spock had requested him, he would have accepted if Kirk chose another vessel.

Noticing how Kirk and Admiral Pike were looking at him, he just blinked. He was respectful and he had stated the facts, he had not said anything that deserved those stares.

"Well," Kirk glanced again at Admiral Pike "you heard him, I was efficient; move on. What about Edwards?"

"Remind me; is this the guy who shot himself when we were on the survival training?" Pike frowned.

"No, he was the one who lost all the supplies."

"Much better. Why was he there again?"

"The majority of the casualties in the Narada Incident affected the security teams, and there were few cadets who stood out in that field," explained Spock.

"In other words: it was either him or nothing." Kirk sounded amused. "He wasn't that bad, I almost made him competent."

"I suggest sending Mister Edwards on a shuttle back to Earth, where he can be treated properly," said Spock.

"McCoy isn't enough?" Pike lifted an eyebrow. Spock felt that every comment from the Admiral was some sort of test to see if Spock was pleased with his crew and their performance.

"Doctor McCoy's medical ward is not equipped to accomplish Mister Edwards' satisfactory recovery. Medical staff should also be available in any given emergency, if they divert their efforts and focus on Mister Edwards they are most likely to –"

"Spock, you are the Captain now. You only needed to tell me to shut up and leave you to make the decisions," Admiral Pike interrupted, smiling again.

"That would be disrespectful, sir." But also correct.

"Pike is used to that, I was his student," Kirk said.

"Don't remind me. I have a suggestion, Spock, take it only as that and don't think I'm ordering you. We have the USS Archimedes in the closest Starbase to the Enterprise. Perhaps they can bring Edwards back home, since they are scheduled to transport a few things to the Academy."

"Are you using Mitchell's ship as a cargo? He must be freaking out!" Kirk was laughing. Spock did not understand why.

"It was Komack's idea, and Mitchell was pleased to follow orders. Not every person is as loud and rude as you are, Kirk."

"I can't imagine what Gary did to be punished by Komack."

"It wasn't a punishment. It was a serious assignment, and it worked well for all of us. Captain Mitchell can take Edwards aboard and bring him back."

Spock knew the Admiral and Mister Kirk had a close relationship, almost like father and son according to McCoy. It still disconcerted Spock to see how familiar they were with each other and how Kirk was borderline insubordinate with Pike.

"That would be awesome, I haven't see Gary in a while! We could have a short shore leave there!" Kirk was overjoyed.

"Did you consult with your Captain, Kirk?" Pike smirked.

"We talked about shore leave, this is the best opportunity we'll get," defended Kirk.

Kirk was right. They had indeed discussed the possibility of a shore leave since they had been on missions frequently and had not had the opportunity to take leave. The Admiral's suggestion was reasonable. It would be a waste of resources to send Edwards in one of their shuttles, since he would need a nurse, a doctor and a pilot. This would work for the two purposes, sending Edwards back and giving the crew a small leave.

Yet he wanted to say no. The way Commander Kirk was so enthusiastic about the leave and meeting Captain Mitchell made Spock somewhat uncertain. Spock did not know Mitchell, but he had heard about him. He was considered rebellious and defiant, more or less like Kirk. It was no surprise that they seemed to be friends. That could plausibly lead to problems, and maybe that was the reason for Spock's wariness.

Since he did not have a solid argument for denying the Admiral's proposition, he could only agree. It made Spock feel frustrated.

"I believe your suggestion would be the logical course of action, Admiral," said Spock after a prolonged silence.

"See?" smiled Kirk. "I told you!"

"All right, I'll tell Mitchell about his new guest. It was a successful mission; you even got rid of the useless staff." Before Spock could object to the comment, the Admiral waved his hand as a dismissal. "I'm joking Spock, I thought Kirk already taught you not to take everything seriously. Pike out."

Spock still had a hard time distinguishing the crude comments from the jokes. It was disturbing how alike they seemed to be.

"How many days are we going to have for shore leave?" asked Kirk.

"I believe two days will be sufficient. Do you agree?"

"Yeah, two days is fine. I can't wait to tell Bones!"

It was both puzzling and curious to see the Commander's happiness about shore leave. Spock expected that the reaction was more about the rest and less about seeing Captain Mitchell. He was not used to trusting his 'instincts', since Vulcans lost control over them before the teachings of Surak, however he had this strange feeling of hesitation. He expected that meditation would help with this.

* * *

The first thing Jim did after talking with Pike was go to Sickbay and inform Bones of the upcoming shore leave. They were going to get so drunk, and Gary was there too, it was perfect.

"Really? I guess something good came of Edwards' stupidity."

"Pike said the same. Gary's going to be there too! We're going to have so much fun."

"So are you happy about the shore leave or because Mitchell is there?" Bones arched an eyebrow.

"Both, I guess. You still don't like him?"

"I don't care about him as much as you obviously do, but I don't hate him either. The elf knows about this, right? Because I'm not going down with you if you're defying his orders."

"Yeah, he knows and he approved. Although he looked kind of upset when Pike mentioned the offer."

Bones looked at Jim intensely.

"What?" Jim felt weird. His friend only gave him those looks when he was planning on injecting him with something awful.

"Are you dumb?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"Spock looked 'upset' about the offer, you're floating around in happiness because you get to see your boyfriend Mitchell... connect the dots, idiot." Bones sighed.

"What? You think Spock is angry because he thinks I'm going to share confidential information with Gary? Like I did with you?" Jim looked perplexed. Right, Spock was probably still insecure about Jim and his mouth. Well, he was proving he could be trusted. He wouldn't say anything to Mitchell about the Enterprise.

Bones only stared at Jim.

"Dammit, I hate this. I hate being the one seeing this kind of thing. I should fire Chapel for gossiping about romance novels." Bones started ranting. Jim was at a loss; why was his friend so upset?

"Come on Bones, I won't tell anything to Gary. Spock has nothing to be angry about."

"Honestly Jim, sometimes you are as oblivious as Chekov. Now that I mention it, maybe you two are long lost brothers or something; you two do look alike," Bones mused.

Jim didn't know what Bones meant, but his friend rarely made any sense.

"By the way, you have only one day," warned McCoy.

"Aw, Bones, we're going to reach the Starbase tomorrow! You can wait a few more days!"

"Are you still _hallucinating_?" asked Bones in a serious tone.

"I wasn't hallucinating. I just… look, it rarely happens, and I can handle it. So far it hasn't interfered with my duties and I'm fine."

"'It rarely happens' means it's still happening. If you explained it to me maybe I could help."

"I know, Bones. I can deal with this."

Jim knew he hadn't convinced his friend, but he needed time to think about what he was going to say. Bones also stayed silent, and apparently accepted Jim's words… for now.

* * *

The crew were in a good mood about the upcoming shore leave. Edwards, however, didn't take well his medical leave, but he couldn't complain; it was his own carelessness that made this happen in the first place. Jim felt bad for the guy, he was very diligent but he didn't have the skills for the job. Giotto spent most of their training sessions protecting the guy from Jim's attacks, and Jim thought Giotto was Edwards' bodyguard as well.

That was the main reason why Jim wasn't so surprised when Giotto asked him for permission to accompany Edwards back home.

"You are one of the best elements of the security team, Giotto. I can't let you go." Jim tried so hard to sound caring.

"We're not on any dangerous missions, and I know you and Cravers can do the job with the rest of the team. I don't want to leave Edwards alone on an unknown ship."

Jim knew Giotto had come to him because if he asked Spock directly the answer would have been a firm 'no'.

"If you marry Edwards, then you can go too," smiled Jim, knowing how to break the tension.

"Oh, come on, you're married to Sulu but you still don't take responsibility for your girl."

"It's a plant," spat out Jim "and that has nothing to do with this; the point is that the Captain respects legal boundaries and if you legally marry Edwards then maybe you can use it in your favor."

"You're going to make me beg, aren't you?" Giotto looked appalled.

"Look, I get that he's your friend, but we need you. I don't know if our next mission will be as complicated as the last one and you are the most experienced."

"I'll only be gone for a week, tops. Come on, even if we get a difficult mission I can make it on time."

Giotto was really invested in this, and Jim felt bad for him. He felt responsible for Edwards' wounds and he wanted to accompany his friend. Jim couldn't deny that if Bones was the one hurt, Jim would have do the same.

"Fine, let me talk to Spock about it, but if he says no, we stick to that."

"I know you will convince him." Giotto winked at Jim. "You have your methods."

Jim knew Giotto was joking, but then he saw Spock actually frowning, with the blue shirt again, and the other Jim with the golden shirt, speaking into Spock's ear and then Spock nodding.

"Are you okay? I was only kidding." Giotto shook Jim gently.

"Y-yeah, I know." Jim did what he usually did when this happened. He blinked two or three times until he could see his own surroundings again. "I'll let you know about the decision."

Jim walked away, trying to make a choice. He was postponing talking to the Ambassador, he knew it. At first he'd used the mission as an excuse, but now… he just didn't want to. He was afraid of what Spock might say. If he said that he and his Jim Kirk were a couple, well, Jim already knew that. Those images, although clothed, were very specific. But then the Ambassador would probably want to talk about destiny; besides, Jim was full of questions that he didn't know if he wanted the answers to. If the Ambassador loved his Jim, why he loved him, how they got together… and it would be useless to know this anyway, they weren't the same. He was obsessing about it again and he couldn't do that. Those memories weren't his and he'd better just leave things the way they were.

Still, a small part of Jim wished for someone who could love him as strongly as the Ambassador apparently loved his James Kirk. There was a time when Jim had thought Gaila was the one who could fill that role. She was gone now, and maybe Jim wouldn't find that person anymore. Maybe Gaila was his only chance to feel love and be loved back.

After shore leave, Jim would talk with Bones about this and then he would call the Ambassador. Until then, he was just relaxing and enjoying this.

* * *

Jim watched as every crew member beamed down to the base. They had already been informed about 'expected behavior' and as protocol indicated, he and Spock were waiting to be the last ones beaming down.

"Giotto wants to escort Edwards back to Earth." Jim decided now was a good moment to talk about this.

"I see. I do not think that Mister Edwards needs someone 'escorting' him, after all I am sure the USS Archimedes has its own security department and sickbay."

"Well, yeah, but Giotto is his friend; he just wants to make sure that Edwards gets settled and everything. We don't need Giotto, and he'd be back in a week."

"You do not know if we would encounter an emergency where Mister Giotto would be required. It is not essential for him to accompany Mister Edwards."

"If Bones was the one hurt, I would do that too, Spock. Look it this way, if you say no, Giotto will be miserable, hence he'll be inefficient."

Spock looked contemplative for a few moments, before nodding his consent.

"One week. And he must agree to return if we are in need of him."

"I'll make sure of that. Thanks, Spock." Before Spock could make a retort Jim continued. "I know, I know, thanks are illogical and all that. I'm still grateful, so deal with it."

Jim smiled at Spock, who only tilted his head. Bones joined them, scowling about how he had to make a new record for Edwards for the medical staff on the USS Archimedes.

"You are the last ones, Commander Kirk," said Scotty, who refused to beam down when he could spend the time taking apart the Enterprise.

"Thanks, Scotty. Come on Spock, you'll like Gary. He's awesome!"

* * *

When they beamed down, Spock saw most of the Enterprise crew scattering around. He also saw a man in a golden shirt approaching them.

"Captain Spock," the man said "nice to meet you. I'm Captain Gary Mitchell. I understand my vessel is having one of the Enterprise members as a guest?"

"An idiot, actually," said McCoy dryly. "Who's your CMO?"

Spock directed his eyes at the doctor, trying to make McCoy understand that he was being rude to a Captain. However, Captain Mitchell did not seem offended.

"Davon Keller, he's one of the best."

"Keller?" McCoy snorted. "He almost killed Jim one time, did you know?"

Captain Mitchell diverted his eyes to the Commander. Spock found this irritating.

"At least he took care of the bruises," smiled Commander Kirk. "How are you, Gary? Komack punished you?"

"He has no sense of humor, honestly. Oh, Captain, I'm sorry, I already know your First Officer and your CMO. You got the best cadets, Jimmy especially is outstanding."

Spock did not like the way Captain Mitchell was referring to his First Officer. He sounded almost condescending. Spock also disapproved of the familiarity with which Kirk interacted with the Captain. Even though they were acquaintances, the Commander had to respect the position and show proper decorum.

Though Captain Mitchell did not seem uncomfortable with the lack of protocol, and in fact looked like he enjoyed it and even preferred it.

"I see." Spock realized he had to say something.

"Gary is the best, Captain. I took a seminar with him at the Academy and he has the most brilliants ideas!"

Spock tried not to twitch at hearing Kirk's comment. He sounded almost like Ensign Chekov when he talked about the Commander. It was distressing, but it should not be. Kirk was free to admire whomever he wanted; still, Spock felt this was something dangerous.

"Stop being all over the guy, Jim," chastised McCoy. "He's a mortal as you and me."

"So, what do you need from us? Are you beaming your member directly to our platform?" Captain Mitchell seemed too eager to changing the subject, which was another thing that made Spock wary.

"I want to check your sickbay first and talk to your CMO. I'm not letting any of my patients out of my sight if I don't make sure that they are going to be well cared for."

Doctor McCoy was rude, offensive, bad-mouthed and probably xenophobic, but he was an exceptional doctor and Spock was proud of his objective decision to request him on the Enterprise. Doctor McCoy was the best, he knew it. He did not like McCoy and McCoy felt the same, yet Spock could not deny how good the doctor was at his job.

"You haven't changed, Leonard," Mitchell laughed. "All right, you can beam up to the ship and see everything for yourself."

"Who is your First Officer?" asked Mister Kirk rather bluntly.

Before Captain Mitchell could answer, the Commander's communicator started buzzing.

"Kirk."

"Commander Captain," Mister Scott sounded amused "your girl is restless."

"What do you mean? Is something wrong in engineering?"

"No, if it was I would have said 'our girl'. Even when I don't like sharing her with you, you get feisty when you are left out of the relationship."

"What's wrong with Lilly?" Kirk knew then that Mister Scott was referring to the plant. At first Kirk had kept calling it 'the plant', but Mister Sulu scolded him every time he heard him and the Commander got used to calling it by the name the Lieutenant gave it.

"I don't know, someone in the botanic lab asked me to reach you and tell you to please beam up again."

"Is Sulu there? He's the expert."

"I think he's on his way, but they need you too."

"Fine," Kirk sighed. "I'm going back up, and it better be something important; Kirk out." Kirk looked at them resignedly. "It looks like the party will start late for me. See you later, Bones, Gary. Captain, are you staying here?"

Spock did not need to be on the Starbase and he could probably help Mister Sulu with whatever task he was doing with the plant. He liked to observe how the plant's blossoms were developing; they had almost reached the final state of their growth.

"Actually," Captain Mitchell said "I was wondering if I can talk to you, Captain Spock. _Alone._ "

McCoy and Kirk looked surprised at Mitchell. Spock did not know the man, what could he possibly want to talk with him about?

"Of course." Spock knew he could not be rude. He had no other engagements.

"And what I'm supposed to do then?" Doctor McCoy scowled.

"I'll tell Keller to beam down and take you up to see what you need," Captain Mitchell said.

Apparently Doctor McCoy also disagreed with the Captain's proposition, yet he just nodded tightly, looking uneasy. Perhaps Spock should say something; if one of his crew members felt uncomfortable it was his duty to guarantee the well-being of said member. Kirk smiled apologetically, and winked at Spock before beaming back to the Enterprise. Humans needed more control in their facial muscles, they winked rather often.

After seeing Doctor McCoy disappearing with Doctor Keller (who seemed as incompetent as McCoy had described him once when he was talking with Kirk), Spock looked at Captain Mitchell, expecting to hear what he wanted to say.

"There's an excellent coffee place not too far from here. How about we talk there?"

"I do not like coffee."

"They have other things, Captain," Mitchell smiled and Spock wanted to just leave him there. He seemed hypocritical. Spock had learned to detect sarcasm because he worked with humans who were fond of using it to mock him. Mitchell, although not entirely, also had the 'sarcasm tone' he heard in other individuals. It was curious because when humans used sarcasm, Spock answered with logic and they got upset.

"I do not think it will have anything I would enjoy."

"How about I get coffee and you get whatever you want? If they don't have something of your taste, then you can drink water." Apparently Mister Mitchell too was the type to get upset when Spock answered with logic.

He could continue with this for a long time. Still, Mitchell had asked him politely to talk and it would be rude to delay it just because the Captain was disdainful. He nodded, and followed Mitchell to the place he suggested.

Once they got there, Mitchell sat down in front of Spock, who waited patiently while Mitchell ordered a coffee and a desert. That must be something else he had in common with Kirk. Spock had observe how the Commander was fond in having coffee with something sweet, which McCoy chastised every time he could since Kirk had a tendency to gain weight and he ate sweet things too often.

"You must wonder why I asked you to stay and talk with me," said Mitchell.

"No. Since I agreed to speak with you, I was bound to eventually learn what you wanted to communicate." Now that he thought about it, perhaps that was a rhetorical question. Spock had a hard time distinguishing the rhetorical questions from the ones which needed an answer, seeing as in Spock's opinion most of the questions that needed an answer where as illogical as the rhetorical ones.

"I know Vulcans are very rational and all that, but I'm not used into interacting with you people. I'm sorry if I seem rude or something."

That comment was quite xenophobic. At leas Doctor McCoy made his comments with his strange sense of humor and without any offense intended.

"I assume you took Xenobiology classes. That should be enough for you to understand the basics of Vulcan culture."

"Yeah, but if you don't keep practicing something, you forget and I haven't talked with a Vulcan before you. I don't mean to offend you."

That was debatable.

"Perhaps it is best if you express what you wanted to talk about." Spock was not in the mood to be arguing cultural differences with Mitchell. He already did it on daily basis with the Commander and that was more entertaining than this.

"Yeah, right; look, I know you got stuck with Jimmy as your First Officer. I requested him to be my second in command and the Admirals told me you requested him too. I know they probably forced you or something, but I have a way out. The Admirals only did this because they want Jimmy out of Starfleet. Pike and Archer are the only reason why Jim didn't end up thrown out of the Academy. McCoy too, of course, but he was mostly Jim's conscience. The thing is that they think Jim is calming down and they expect for him to become a pawn. Jim and I have similar styles and we'd make a good team. And I bet you can't wait to get rid of him, he must drive you crazy all the time with his personality. So how about you give me Jim as First Officer, and you request the one you wanted originally? My First Officer is requesting a leave, and I'll need a Commander, you could lend me Jim and get another one."

Spock knew it was illogical to feel anger, yet he was starting to get a strange pang in his stomach and he had the urge to subdue Mitchell with physical force. What gave Mitchell the right to make assumptions about his working relation with the Commander? Kirk was a person, he was not an object they could trade for convenience. Spock did not know why Mitchell seemed so eager to have Kirk on his crew, but Spock was not letting the Commander go. He knew what Mitchell was implying. If they made the request officially, they could decide which ship Kirk was serving on even if he did not want to. If they sustained the necessity for Kirk on the USS Archimedes, the Commander would not have other choice but transfer.

However, for that action to take place, both Captain's authorizations were required. If Spock did not agree, Mitchell could not demand to have Kirk. Mitchell was delusional if he thought Spock was letting Kirk serve on another vessel. Kirk's place was on the Enterprise.

Taking a deep breath, Spock decided to choose his words carefully to make his point clear without being impolite.

"I do not need a 'way out' as you said. I requested Commander Kirk; the Admirals did not force me into anything. I find the Commander to be efficient and resourceful, which are qualities a good First Officer must have in order to perform his duties. I do not have another person in mind because James Kirk was the officer I wanted originally. I am sorry for your dilemma; nevertheless, I am not 'lending' you my First Officer. I am sure Starfleet will have candidates for the post that meet your standards."

Spock felt confident. He had been concise and sympathetic to Mitchell's problem even though he did not feel that way. Still, he was Captain and he had to be diplomatic even when some people did not deserve it.

Mitchell was wide-eyed, too shocked to say anything. Spock just looked at him coldly, after all humans could never distinguish any Vulcan expressions.

"Are you telling me that you want Jim? Jim Kirk?"

"I believe that was what I said."

"I… honestly, I never expected for you to just say no. I was so sure I was doing you a favor too, after all we all know you almost killed him in the Narada incident."

Spock almost flinched when he heard Mitchell refer to a past event that still caused some remorse in Spock. Not only he left his emotions overcome him, he had also forgotten all the Vulcan teachings and control and he had almost taken the life of another person who, as insufferable as he was, was not to blame for his mother's death. He had blamed Kirk in that moment. He had made him responsible for his grief and his pain. As he wrapped his hand around Kirk's throat, he was taking out the frustration of not being able to save her. He had tried so hard, and yet he could not save her. Logically he knew it was not his fault, but he was half human, he felt guilt over the most irrational things.

Even though the Commander had accepted his apologies, Spock refused to train with Kirk for fear of losing control again. Kirk, as McCoy often said, knew what buttons to push to obtain a reaction. He saw how Kirk trained with Giotto, and the Lieutenant was bullied by Kirk until he unleashed all his fury and the Commander ended up with bruises. Kirk justified this with the claim that it was necessary for Giotto to learn to manage his emotions and focus on the fight without letting the enemy provoke him. Spock was appalled when he first saw Kirk's lip swollen, he did not like to see the Commander injured, even less on his own ship. Still, the Commander was stubborn and kept provoking Giotto and Cravers into fighting in anger. When Kirk suggested he to join them in training, Spock refused, wary that the Commander would provoke him as he did with the security team.

Bringing out that incident was very petty on Mitchell's behalf, he wanted to elicit an emotional response from Spock. He would be disappointed.

"I do not see how those two events are related. If I needed a 'favor' I would ask directly for it."

"Yeah, but I know the Admirals can be pushy, and well, you and Jimmy have nothing in common, being in command of the Enterprise together must be really hard. I was trying to make things easy, not just for you, but also for Jim. It must be difficult for him to have a Captain who's so controlled and… I don't want to offend you, but you're very stiff for Jim's taste."

For someone who kept claiming that he did not mean to offend, Mitchell was doing a fine job of insulting Spock at every chance he got. Spock was aware that Mitchell's comment carried a double meaning, but Spock had no idea about what he wanted to imply.

"The Admirals had no input in my choice, and Mister Kirk is far too vocal, if he was feeling uncomfortable about being assigned to the Enterprise, he would have said so. I presume that he did not ask you for this favor either and you just assumed that you knew what our needs were. In my case, you were wrong, and I dare say that you are also wrong in Commander's Kirk case."

"Well, no harm in asking the guy, right? I mean, if you kidnapped him, I can rescue him."

Was that a joke? Spock lifted his eyebrow, at loss for what to say. If it was a joke, Spock did not find it funny, and if it was not, then there was no point in clarifying that absurd remark.

"I think the Commander would be capable of fighting if he was held as a hostage." Spock's answer could be labeled as a joke, but was entirely true as well.

"Yeah, Jimmy's energetic, I won't deny that. So, you are not interested in my offer then?"

Spock was trying not to succumb to the urge to just punch Mitchell. He had already said that he was not interested.

"Indeed, I am not."

"How about if Jim is interested? Would you let him come with me?"

Spock had not considered that possibility. If Mitchell made his offer to Kirk, would he accept it? He was aware of Mitchell's meaning. If he said 'no', Kirk could not transfer from the Enterprise. Even if he requested it, if Spock did not want him away from the ship, it would be difficult to overrule the Captain's decision. Nevertheless, Spock did not wish for Kirk to stay just because he took advantage of his rank. Kirk, like every other crew member, must serve voluntarily. Mitchell's offer opened an option that Spock did not want to contemplate: Kirk leaving the Enterprise.

"I do not keep the Commander by force. If he wishes to serve with you, I will be pleased to sign his transfer." It was the polite thing to say, even though Spock was not sincere. He would not be 'pleased' if Kirk chose to go; he would be discontented and frustrated. He had honestly tried his best to adapting to human customs and especially respected Kirk's personality. After the incident with Doctor McCoy, he and the Commander were more comfortable around each other and Spock had stopped having second thoughts about what he wanted to say and he just said it. Kirk clarified Spock's meaning and they both agreed that they would never intentionally offend each other.

"Oh, that's great then! Let's give Jimmy the option. No hard feelings if he chooses me, right?"

Spock did not have feelings to be hurt, yet he wanted to say that he would resent if Kirk chose him.

"Yes, the Commander is free to choose whatever he feels is best for him. If that was all, Captain Mitchell, I have other business to attend."

"At least let me buy you something, you didn't even order." Mitchell smiled again, but now Spock knew better.

"I do not need an inducement. I already told you that I will not stand in the way of Commander Kirk's choice. If you excuse me…"

Spock stood up without waiting for a response, and walked away quickly. He felt the need to meditate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still with me? Thank you all for giving the story a chance! And Thank you to Anbessette for betaing this story.


	8. Chapter 3B: Excusatio non petita, accusatio manifesta

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Very funny; no, my problem actually would make your life easier." That got Bones' attention. "I knew you would be interested. Gary asked me to transfer to his ship."
> 
> "Oh, yeah. I heard his First Officer was incapacitated. You told him to fuck off, right?"
> 
> "Not exactly. You always complain about how I'm a nuisance and you don't want to deal with me. I thought perhaps I should do you a favor and transfer."
> 
> "You know I don't mean that; what's this really about?" Bones frowned.
> 
> "With Gary I wouldn't have to watch my mouth or be careful about protocol. I would actually be supported when I want to do something crazy."
> 
> "And that's good because…?"
> 
> "Freedom, Bones."

Jim was stuck in the Botany lab. Apparently the damn plant was reacting only to his voice. He didn't even know plants could react to voices but then Sulu started ranting about how if he visited his daughter more often he would have known.

"I'm out of topics, Sulu," Jim complained. "I refuse to spend my leave here."

"You have responsibilities. Your daughter must come first," Sulu smiled.

"It's a plant."

"Don't be mean. Just stay a little bit longer, she's blossoming again."

"Fine. I don't know why I left you drag me here; besides, didn't you have plans for shore leave with Chekov? You know, making sure I don't corrupt him too much."

"Oh, right." Sulu glanced at the plant, avoiding eye contact with Jim. "Other things came up, and Lilly needed me."

Jim knew that something was going on between Chekov and Sulu, but he had no idea about what it could be. When he talked it over with Bones he shook his head and said ' _damn love fest on the damn ship_ '. Maybe they had a fight or something.

"Are you still here?"

Sulu and Jim turned around, seeing Bones and Spock entering the lab at the same time.

"Yeah, the plant _needed_ me," Jim scowled. "Hey, how was your visit to the Archimedes?"

"It's not like the Enterprise, but at least Edwards won't die there. I made sure of that."

"It is comfy? Did you like it? How about the crew?" Jim was extremely curious. He wanted to know about the ship that almost had him as First Officer.

"I was only there for two hours Jim, and I just visited the sickbay. Keller is still an ass, but he is more competent. The rest looked fine to me, but I wasn't being social."

"You're never social, Bones."

"I don't get paid to be social, otherwise the Captain would have already fired me."

Everyone looked at Spock, expecting a logical retort to bait Bones. Spock just kept silent.

"It won't hurt you be more friendly, Bones." Jim tried to continue the joking environment to see if Spock said something.

"By the way, Mitchell asked me to tell you that he extends a dinner invitation. He'll wait for you at 21:00 in that place you kept talking about when you heard about shore leave."

"Great!" Jim glanced at Spock who looked uncomfortable. "So, are you joining us, Bones?"

"No. I have better things to do than watch you ogling Mitchell. Sulu, are we still on for tonight?"

"Yes doctor, I'm trying to convince Scotty to join us!"

"What? Are you partying without me?" Jim looked hurt. He wasn't even aware of their plans for tonight; they hadn't had the decency to invite him.

"I was sure you were going out with Mitchell, you kept talking about it," Bones sighed. "We're not mind readers. Okay then, I'll see you later. Jim, easy on the drinks, I don't want Mitchell to take advantage of you."

Jim could swear he saw Spock flinch. What was that about?

"You tell Lilly another story and then you can go too Commander," said Sulu. "I'll leave the two of you alone. See you around, if you get bored on your date we're going to the bar downtown."

When Sulu said 'the two of you' Jim didn't know if he was referring to him and the plant or him and Spock. Sulu and Bones left looking rather mysterious. Spock just stood there, without saying anything even when Sulu and McCoy said their respectful 'Captain' at him. Okay, this was getting creepy. Spock hadn't been this serious since the incident with Bones. Jim tried to remember if he had said anything that involved Spock and could be considered gossip. So far, he had been very discreet; he talked about general things, nothing private.

"So." Jim didn't have any idea of what to say. It seemed safer to just ask about why Gary had wanted to talk with him. "Did you have fun with Gary?"

Okay, bad move. Spock went more rigid and looked downright murderous. Jim didn't know how Spock dared to say he had no emotions. As they had gotten to know each other, Jim could easily identify what Spock felt; he even had the eyebrows catalogued. The fact that in this case Spock had not raised any just made Jim edgier.

How could Gary piss off Spock? He knew about Vulcans and their boundaries, and it wasn't Spock's fault if Gary was angry about Starfleet was using him as a cargo ship. If Gary had made a nasty comment to Spock or blamed him about this, Jim would punch him. He admired the guy, but he was also loyal to the Enterprise. Nobody messed with any of the crew members and especially not with the Captain.

"Do I need to kick his ass?" asked Jim, maintaining a kidding tone.

"No, it would be detrimental to your position and you do not have any motive to become physically violent with _Captain_ Mitchell."

Somehow Jim felt that Spock had wanted to say 'yes' at first and just backed out. He also noticed the dry tone in which Spock said Mitchell's title.

"Did he offend you? I'm sure he didn't mean to, but since I'm on shore leave I can punch him without repercussions." Ah, the incredulous eyebrow was up, he was making progress. "What did he want?"

"I am sure Captain Mitchell will inform you about what we discussed." Spock blinked "Commander, are you comfortable with your post?"

Jim frowned. He wasn't sure where Spock was heading, but it didn't sound good. He hadn't done anything wrong so far, and he even stuck to protocols most of the time, wasn't that enough for Spock?

"I don't know what you mean." Jim thought it was better to just clarify. They had the agreement to not jump to conclusions.

"Do you find yourself content serving here on the Enterprise?" Spock looked very uncomfortable, almost like he wanted to just stop talking and leave.

"Um… I guess. Why? Are you trying to get rid off me or something?" Jim was half joking. He still had the strange feeling that at any given moment Spock might just toss him out and leave him on a desert planet. Bones said it was impossible since there were too many witnesses and he should stop being overdramatic, but Jim always did that. He was never sure about anything in his life. He was used to people to just doing whatever they wanted and forgetting about him. Why would Spock be the exception? If he thought Jim was doing a lousy job and wanted to get rid of him, he was hardly going to ask for his opinion. Maybe this was his Vulcan way of saying that he was no longer needed on the Enterprise.

"I am not. I am simply repeating the task you performed with the crew members in the past week. I did not mean to offend you."

Maybe Bones was right and he was overdramatic. Jim had suggested Spock ask the crew members how they were feeling so far, since they were 30 days away from being six months on the job. It was a good time to make a diagnosis about probable changes to improve things. Spock agreed, but Jim was the one who made the time to ask every one of the crew members (including the Spock, that was interesting) how they felt about serving on the Enterprise and if they enjoyed their jobs. So far everyone was at least satisfied, although it had been a bad idea to let Bones handle the sickbay. Jim had later found out that his friend had only said 'Are you comfortable with your job? If not, then quit and leave the place for someone more competent'. Obviously everyone in the medical ward expressed their contentment with being on the Enterprise, fearing that if they said something negative, Bones would make sure to transfer them.

Now hearing Spock, Jim felt like an insecure teenager again. Why he was so quick to jump to conclusions, and always negative ones? Of course Spock would want his opinion, he frequently said that Jim was important to the ship (even though Jim thought he just said it to be condescending), and Jim had never thought to include himself in the exercise.

"Don't worry, I'm paranoid. At least I know that if you want to get rid of me, you'll let me know first, right?" Jim smiled, but he was serious. He expected that if in the future Spock didn't want him around, he would say something before informing the Admirals. He only had six months left on this job; he couldn't screw things up in that small amount of time. Then again, Jim loved challenges. "Yeah, I like serving on the Enterprise, you've got the best crew, Spock. They are loyal, good at their jobs and fun. They'd follow you anywhere."

"I believe," Spock took a deep breath "that they only would follow me if you were next to me."

That particular phrase made Jim remember something his mother said when he told her about how Komack had left him as second in command. She said that the First Officer was not behind the Captain, but next to him. They _shared_ the command, even when the Captain had the final word. The task of the First Officer was not jut to obey and take command when the Captain was injured; the First Officer stood beside the Captain when the boat was sinking. That was what happened to his father. He went down with his Captain to save the crew.

Jim was glad to hear that Spock also saw him as his equal, yet he was apprehensive that Spock truly believed that the crew would turn his back on him once Jim left the post when he got his own ship (not that Spock knew he was asking for a promotion when they reached a year into the mission, but still).

"Of course they would follow you Spock, no matter who was the second in command. They've seen how good you are at the job, they respect you and they like you. Trust me, they would go with you in everything."

Jim meant this to be comforting, but Spock looked tenser and the eyebrows were down again. He was getting tired of saying things and not knowing why they made people uncomfortable.

"You are the tactical part of the command. You are the one who leads almost every mission and you have instinct. You are far more capable than I am for the post."

This was getting weird again. It couldn't be that Spock _felt_ insecure about his performance. He was Vulcan, they didn't get insecure… did they? Sure, Jim always meddled in every mission because that was his job. That didn't mean that Spock was less competent than him, besides, who was comparing? They had different styles and they had reached a common ground. Perhaps Vulcans weren't immune to lack of confidence.

"Oh, come on, under that criteria even Bones is more capable for the post," joked Jim, trying to ease the situation.

That worked. Spock lifted his 'I'm not amused' eyebrow.

"The Doctor will need intensive training on manners and social behavior before he even considers going for the job." Yeah, Spock was amused. Jim could tell because his voice was less stiff.

"You can't change that about Bones, it's what makes him funny!" Jim glanced at the plant, seeing how it was blossoming again. Sometimes when the plant _felt sad_ (Sulu kept saying it had feelings, Jim thought he was a total nutcase) it hid its blossoms to protect them. The plant was making tons of contributions and Sulu was ecstatic. However, every time the plant hid the blossoms, they called Jim to talk to it. Apparently his voice did something, since after a while the plant showed the blossoms and they could continue with the research. "It seems that my job here is done. The plant is blossoming again."

"I thought Mister Sulu said that you should not call the plant 'it' as it is not an object."

"Sulu isn't here. And he's overprotective of the plant; a good parent gives the children space." Jim stood up, stretching. "I've been sitting next to the plant for hours."

"Two point five hours to be exact," added Spock.

"Well, I need to kill time before beaming down for dinner. How about chess?"

Jim expected Spock to give him one of his comments about how you can't kill time and the scientific explanation of why it was impossible, but Spock just nodded and started walking away. Jim was considering taking the advice Bones gave him and starting to record everything he said to see what he was saying to provoke people into anger.

* * *

Jim beamed down, curious about what Gary had told Spock. The Vulcan was very secretive about it and even when Jim asked him during the chess game he still said Jim would find out eventually. Jim knew Spock wasn't the fun type who visited bars or clubs. He hoped that he'd at least loosened up a little and joined Uhura and Bones, since they were going to a bar with Sulu (they couldn't convince Scotty to beam down too, he was busy tearing apart the ship). Spock would probably stay on the ship too; Jim would have to teach him how to have a good time, maybe tomorrow.

Seeing Gary, Jim smiled widely. Bones was snippy when Jim told them to have a good time, and Uhura looked at him like he was betraying someone by going out with a person who wasn't member of the Enterprise crew. He knew Bones wasn't fond of Gary, in fact he hated him because he was 'too arrogant', even though Jim was also arrogant. Uhura, however, didn't know Gary, why was she pissed? Then Jim remembered the rumors around the Academy. Gary had the reputation of taking advantage of others to get what he wanted. There was even a rumor about how he slept his way into the commanding post. Jim had a strange vision of Gary trying to seduce Pike, since back then he was the one recommending Cadets into ships, but Pike setting him straight right away. Uhura must have heard the gossip and that was why she seemed affronted as well.

Contrary to popular believe, Jim didn't sleep with anyone who sweet talked him. He liked Gary because he didn't hold anything back. He spoke and acted by instincts, and Jim thought that was something a good Captain had to do. Not that Spock was a bad Captain, but he wasn't too fond of following hunches.

"I see McCoy passed along my message. I wasn't too sure, since he just scowled at me and said he was a doctor and not a damn messenger boy." Gary clapped Jim's shoulder.

"Bones always passes along messages; he just likes to complain about it. If you weren't sure, you could have commed me."

"I like the mystery. Come on, I'm starving."

Jim had a strange feeling about this dinner. Gary didn't seem different, he was the same cheerful and funny guy he remembered, but Jim felt like something was off. They sat down and ordered; Gary started talking about how being Captain was no fun since he was tied by Starfleet and so far he'd only had boring assignments. Jim sympathized; the Enterprise was used as a diplomatic ship most of the time, and so far they had only had two dangerous missions when they could have been involved in more important things. Spock kept saying that there was no small assignment and it wasn't necessary to be in war or conflict to have a 'fun' mission; obviously coming from a guy who claimed to be a pacifist that didn't mean much.

"So, Jimmy, what about you? Is the Enterprise what you expected?" Gary looked at Jim with curiosity.

Jim felt like this was a trick question. Had the Admirals sent Mitchell to test the waters? He was being paranoid… again.

"It's better. The ship is awesome, and the crew is the best. I can honestly say that I'm having the best time of my life."

Well, that wasn't exactly true, but he wasn't having a terrible time either, and this was far less than what he'd expected. He had been prepared to serve being all submissive and being used as a puppet.

"Really? You can tell me the truth, you know I won't say."

"If I compare it with what I expected, of course it sucks, I thought I was going to be Captain, but it's not that bad, I can get my ship in six months, I think the USS Pegasus is my best choice."

"I agree, although it's not the Enterprise."

"Spock won't be Captain forever. In five years he has to step back, maybe Starfleet will make him Admiral, and I can get the ship. I'm in no rush, I can wait."

"My First Officer is taking a medical leave," Gary sighed. "I don't have a second in command."

"Why? What happened to your officer?"

"He's an idiot. Half of the Cadets that are serving now don't have the basic instincts to be in this job. He was injured when he got lost on a mission. You know the worst part? We haven't had any dangerous missions so far. We were recollecting things for a planet and he forgot to take his map and communicator. He's a First Officer and he forgot the basics. He deserved what happened to him." Gary shook his head.

"So, who are you requesting?"

"I talked to your Captain. I thought that you two wouldn't get along since you're all instincts and he's all logic. He also tried to kill you; I couldn't imagine why you would want to serve with a Captain who clearly doesn't like you."

"We had a misunderstanding, it wasn't a big deal."

"He tried to strangle you and then tossed you onto an ice planet. I would call that a hell of a misunderstanding. I told Spock that I want you as my First Officer."

"What?" Jim almost choked on his glass of wine.

"I told Spock that I want you as my First Officer. If we both agree, it doesn't matter what you want." Jim was about to retort but Gary smiled. "Yeah, I know, you have a choice too, but you know that if Spock agreed and signed, you wouldn't have a lot of options. I even said that I would deal with the Admirals, since I thought they forced Spock into having you as his second in command. I told him it would be easier for him to just hand you to me and then he could choose whoever he wanted."

"Well, thanks for considering me. I feel like a chair," Jim complained. What gave Gary the right to just ask for him like he was an object? Now he really was considering how rude he was to the plant. He still maintained that it was a plant and hence it had no feelings or consciousness, but if there was a small chance (after all, it was an alien plant) that it was semi-conscious, he was going to start calling it 'she' as Sulu did. He was angry at Spock, too. No wonder he didn't want to give him the details of his chat with Gary. He was planning on trading him like he was nothing.

"Come on Jimmy, you know I asked for you originally. You worked with me and we made a good team, you belonged to me first."

"You should have peed on me to mark your territory, then" Jim spat. "I don't belong to anyone, not Spock and certainly not you. If this is your idea of convincing me to join your crew without making a fuss let me tell you that for that comment you won a very loud complaint and probably a good punch. I can take you, I managed to tackle down Giotto and he's twice your height."

"Jim, calm down, I didn't mean it like that." Gary was trying to stop the rant Jim was about to make. Good luck with that. "I thought it would be the perfect solution, I didn't want you to serve with a Captain who almost killed you and I felt this worked for everyone. I didn't know you were comfortable enough on the Enterprise to actually complete the year. I resented Komack because I asked for you and they gave you to Spock, and I thought you were on the same page, resenting that they forced you to serve with the Vulcan. Clearly I was wrong, there's no need to tackle me down… at least not with a violent intention."

"You usually ask first," Jim frowned, but tried to calm down. Gary was right, he was exaggerating, and in a weird way he was being nice to Jim. He noticed the innuendo in Gary's comment. He'd better act like he hadn't said anything. The last thing Jim needed was messing around with the person who was pissing him off. Very complicated. "You aren't off the hook yet, I'm still considering punching you."

"Fine; I didn't expect you to be this angry. In my defense, it was a good solution, a very logical one."

Jim remembered the chat with Spock earlier. He'd honestly believed he asked Jim about how he felt on the Enterprise because he wanted to know, and not because he was thinking about transferring him. Spock must have been glad to see a way out of having Jim as his second in command. Pike had told him Spock requested him specifically, but now he felt like an idiot. Of course Pike would tell him that, he wanted him on the Enterprise to be controlled by Spock. And the Admirals were happy too because if Jim didn't make it, then they won. Even when Jim directly asked Spock about why he requested, he'd probably lied. He had tact and he won't say that the Admirals had forced him into hiring Jim.

"Let me guess. Spock had the transfer papers with him, ready to sign. He must have been waiting for this opportunity; you gave him the best option." Jim tried very hard to maintain a neutral tone, almost like he was joking, but he knew he didn't make it when Gary looked at him with a frown.

"Actually, he didn't. He said no. He told me very clearly that he requested you and the Admirals didn't force him into anything."

"What?" That was the last thing Jim anticipated.

"Yeah, he said he wasn't interested in my offer and that I could piss off and die. Well, not with those exact words, but I can read between the lines. The eyebrow thing is a little bit scary."

"You get used to it," smiled Jim, feeling at ease for the first time since he heard about Gary's talk with Spock. He needed to work in his trust on people, definitely. "So, Spock doesn't want me out?"

"I didn't believe it either. Apparently you won his Vulcan heart, Jimmy; I wonder what species is immune to your charm. So far you got Orions, Betazoids and Vulcans."

Jim knew Gary too well to not see what he was implying. He hinted that Jim was earning his place with Spock with sex. Why did everyone think he used sex to get respect? Jim had learned to just go with the flow, that didn't mean he didn't get tired of it sometimes.

"The only way you can win a Vulcan over is being good at your job, and I'm the best," Jim smiled.

"That was what your Captain said. Apparently you are 'efficient and resourceful'. Still Jim, don't tell me you don't get bored. All those rules and acting all constipated, it must be tiring for a free spirited person like you."

"Nah, Spock deals with my personality. He never censures me; I think he just got used to my babbling and crazy ideas." It was natural that Gary thought Jim would be reserved, but Jim wanted to show that it was the contrary. Spock was respectful and he even tried to adapt to humans. Spock was the one working harder.

"He said that even when he wouldn't lend you to me, he wouldn't stand in your way if you chose to leave; Spock doesn't want you off the Enterprise, and I want you on my ship. We both decided to leave it up to you."

_They both decided?_ How nice of them to let him know about it at all. Honestly, his urge to punch Gary was back. He understood why Gary thought it was the best option, but had he hit his head on something? If Spock had already said he wanted Jim on the Enterprise, and Jim liked it there, why in seven hells would he decide to transfer to the Archimedes?

"You two are just trying to wash your hands of this mess because you discussed it like my opinions don't count. You should have asked me if I wanted to leave and Spock should have asked me if I wanted to stay. Is this a Captaincy thing? Because if it is, then I'm taking notes never to do that."

"Okay, I admit that maybe I should have asked you, but honestly, I thought it was a sure thing that you would want to run off the Enterprise as soon as you could. You said it was either being on that ship as Captain or nothing at all."

"I was drunk, and I don't remember exactly how I ended up calling you. Bones knows better than to leave me alone for five minutes when I'm totally wasted. Look, Gary, it's nice of you to want me and all, but I'm on the Enterprise willingly, Spock didn't abduct me or anything. I have Bones, and I kind of have fun with Spock sometimes. I like it."

"Well, it can't hurt to ask, right? If you are truly happy there, then fine by me, I'll back off. But at least consider my offer, Jimmy. You know we can do amazing things together; we can change the way the Admirals are doing missions. We can make a difference, and I'll be happy to help you get the USS Pegasus. Did you forget all our plans?"

Jim hadn't exactly forgotten, but he didn't think about them too often. Mainly because he thought Gary had just been patronizing him when they talked. Gary was a First Officer, Jim was a Cadet, and it was natural that he indulged Jim in his ramblings. He'd never given it much thought; it wasn't like Jim to stick to a plan for long. If he saw better things, he forgot about what he'd already planned and moved on to new, shiny things. The only goal he wouldn't change for anything was being the Enterprise's Captain; no matter how much time it cost him to finally obtain it.

Jim knew that Gary would give him more freedom than Spock, and he could do great things with that liberty.

"Think about it, Jim," smiled Gary, like he knew what Jim was contemplating. "We take off tomorrow, you can tell me then. This is a great opportunity, and you know it."

Jim wondered for whom, exactly, this was a great opportunity. Deciding that a change of subject was in order, he asked Gary about letting Giotto accompany Edwards. Even when Jim tried hard to just forget what Gary had said, his mind had other ideas. He kept playing out his options while he conversed casually with Gary, and it didn't help that the guy always managed to throw in nasty comments about the Admiralty. Jim agreed with some of them; it was true that they could change things.

Bones would be gloating if he could see Gary right know. He was kind of touchy with Jim even before he looked at him with any interest besides the academic. Bones had always been suspicious of Gary and felt that he was working his way into Jim's bed. Now Jim was sure he wanted to work his way into Jim accepting his offer and he thought sex was the best way to accomplish that. Jim couldn't blame Gary for trying; if he had heard the rumors about Jim then he probably concluded it was the easiest way to get Jim to agree to anything he proposed. People were stupid like that. He'd lost count of all the hook ups with ulterior motives he'd been offered and had rejected firmly. This was no exception. Gary was attractive and Jim hadn't have sex in… damn, five months and counting. But he could get laid anywhere without the emotional drama. When others found out that Jim had used them instead of the other way around, they got upset, and Jim hated hypocrites. Gary may be different, but Jim didn't want to know.

* * *

Jim used Bones and the others as an excuse to decline Gary's offer to 'get more comfortable'; he still insisted that Jim to consider his transference while Jim just nodded, trying to look accepting. He didn't have to consider anything, he'd chosen the Enterprise a while ago. If Jim truly wanted to be on another vessel, he would be there right now; he didn't bend just because others demanded it. When he and Gary parted ways, Jim walked directly to the bar where Sulu had said they would be. It wasn't a surprise to see his friend as soon as he entered, sitting on one of the barstools. He was alone.

"Hey, Bones." Jim sat down next to him.

"What are you doing here? I thought you and Mitchell had business," Bones slurred.

"Where's Sulu?"

"Apparently today I'm the designated counsellor for the damn ship. Everyone just tells me their stupid problems expecting me to fix them. I'm a doctor, not fucking Santa Claus."

He hadn't exactly answered Jim's question, but Jim knew that his friend was getting wasted and that meant he would make even less sense as the night went on.

"If that's the case, I have a problem too."

"Take antibiotics and pray your dick doesn't fall off."

"Very funny; no, my problem actually would make your life easier." That got Bones' attention. "I knew you would be interested. Gary asked me to transfer to his ship."

"Oh, yeah. I heard his First Officer was incapacitated. You told him to fuck off, right?"

"Not exactly. You always complain about how I'm a nuisance and you don't want to deal with me. I thought perhaps I should do you a favor and transfer."

"You know I don't mean that; what's this really about?" Bones frowned.

"With Gary I wouldn't have to watch my mouth or be careful about protocol. I would actually be supported when I want to do something crazy."

"And that's good because…?"

"Freedom, Bones."

Bones looked at Jim. Even when he was slightly drunk, he still understood what Jim meant.

"Look Jim, you need a leash, otherwise you just mess things up. I was your leash back in the Academy, Pike was your leash during all your training… you know better than anyone that when you get the Captaincy of the USS Pegasus, the responsibility for your crew is going to be your damn leash. You don't want freedom; you want to avoid the consequences of your actions, and that's something not even your beloved Mitchell can promise you. You're a smart guy. If Mitchell wants you this badly, it's probably because he's going to do something morally wrong and expects you to follow him."

Jim was aware that Gary was insistent for a reason. He must have a plan that involved Jim somehow, but he couldn't do anything while Jim was second in command on another vessel. Maybe if Jim had the Captaincy of the Enterprise, he could still help Mitchell. Jim saw things differently now; it was easier to criticize when you were a Cadet. When you serve you realize that the Admirals and Captains aren't the assholes you believed they were. Not the majority of them, at least. Jim had even reconciled himself with the Kobayashi Maru test, finally understanding its main purpose. He still disagreed about how it was handled, and he'd told Spock so on several occasions, but he got the importance of the test before you jump into missions. It opened the door to possibilities that you'd never considered before.

"And what exactly is my leash now, Bones?" asked Jim, curious.

"Spock, of course; I thought that was obvious. But then, you never see what's in front of you. Come on, you're making sure I get on the right ship and sleep in the right room. The last thing I need is to wake up on another vessel with a woman I've never met before." Bones stood up, leaning on Jim for support.

Jim ended carrying Bones halfway since he fell asleep on Jim's shoulder and drooled all over him. Yeah, it made sense that Spock had become his leash. Bones was right about one thing: Jim needed something to hold on to, something that mattered enough that Jim didn't go and got himself killed jumping from cars or fighting in dirty bars with four guys who were twice his height. Jim was impulsive, intuitive, acted by instinct. Spock was logical and methodical. He had found a good restraint this time. This only reinforced his decision to stay on the Enterprise. With Gary, he would be a mess; that was for sure. Spock and Bones gave him some sort of balance.

After putting his best friend on his bed (good thing he could override the security codes, too), he left quietly, smiling. It was a long time since they'd chatted and drank together. Jim spent most of his time with Spock, and Bones in Sickbay with Chapel. The last time he was with Bones for at least an hour was when Spock gave him the silent treatment. Wait, that couldn't be right… but it was. When Jim asked Bones about mind melds, he was in Sickbay like fifteen minutes, tops. Jim felt like a jerk. Bones was always there, helping him out, and Jim tossed him away just because he had Spock now. It was true that sometimes the three of them shared a meal; however, it was less frequent that he and Bones spent time together, just the two of them, or even talked.

_We seriously need a monthly room-mate getaway_. Jim remembered telling this to Bones when they were in their first year, back in the Academy. They were no longer room-mates, and now had different schedules and responsibilities; still, Jim could make the monthly friendship getaway to be with Bones. After his dinner with Gary, Jim had planned on beaming back and seeing if Spock was up to chat or play chess; this showed he was forgetting he had another friend on the ship, and Sulu had told him where they were going to be for a reason. That man was far too intuitive for Jim's taste, but at least he was convinced that he made a fine choice with Sulu as second in command. He shook his head, thinking that he had a lot of things to set straight. His friendship with Bones, Gary and his proposal, and now that he saw the Kirk with the golden shirt yelling at Spock with the blue shirt, he added calling the Ambassador to that list. Blinking, Jim saw the hallway that lead to his room again and he let out a breath of air. Well, at least that Kirk and he were equally loud.

* * *

The next day, Jim entered the mess hall and saw Bones already sitting at one of the tables, looking grumpy. He must be really hung-over.

"Hi, Bones!" he said cheerfully, sitting in front of him.

"Shut up, you don't have to yell." Bones put his hand on his head, rubbing it slowly. "Why did you undress me?"

"Bones, how could you forget our special night? It was awesome, you are a true gentleman in everything, you know that?"

"You better not have taken pictures of me, or I'll kill you," Bones scowled.

Jim laughed quietly; back in the Academy, Gaila took pictures of him when he was naked (and drunk) and sold them to anyone who was interested. Jim was surprised when he found out that Bones had bought a bunch and threatened him with sending them to Komack with a note that said 'For your eyes only'.

Jim had promised he would do the same to Bones one day. It would have been great if Jim took advantage of Bones yesterday, but he was trying to mend his stupidity.

"Well, I thought of sending the best ones to Spock," he joked.

Bones was shocked, hang-over suddenly forgotten.

"You wouldn't…"

"Relax, I didn't take them. But you owe me."

"You owe me, like, a million times more." Bones calmed down, taking a sip of his coffee. "So, are you leaving or what?"

"Nah, you know you're my soul mate, I couldn't leave you."

"Yeah, I'm sure it's me you can't leave," Bones said with some sort of melancholy. "The soul mate part's true, though, even when it's not me."

"What?" Jim was confused. Bones was really mysterious lately, saying weird things. Maybe he really did need to spend more time with him.

"When are you going to inform Mitchell?"

"When we beam Edwards onto his ship. We have two hours."

"What are you doing in the meantime? You and the elf have plans?"

Jim couldn't blame McCoy for thinking he would make plans with Spock before he actually considered spending time with him. It was what Jim usually did, recently.

"No, I'm staying with you. We seriously need a monthly friendship get away."

Bones looked at him with doubt, and then he smiled gently.

"I thought that was really stupid the first time you said it," Bones said "but I could get used to it… again."

Spock could be his leash now, and even one of his best friends, but Bones was his brother, and that wouldn't change.

They talked about Joanna; Jim hadn't heard about her in a while, maybe because he hadn't spent much time with Bones recently. That caused Jim a small pang of guilt. He was a shitty friend; he needed to repay Bones just for enduring his crap.

"Bones, you still want to know about my hallucinations?"

Since the mess hall was almost deserted now, Jim thought it appropriate to see if he could tell his friend everything.

"Don't ask stupid questions, Jim, you know that I do. I don't get the secrecy, are you sick? Someone made a diagnosis? Spock fucked up your mind?"

"Wow, you have been considering the options, haven't you?"

"If you don't say anything it's up to me to guess what the hell is going on. Are you finally done being all mysterious?"

"I think so. Bones, this is super secret, you can't tell anyone. I haven't even told Spock, and you can't even hint at something in front of him, okay? He'd know right away."

Bones put his cup of coffee back on the table, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"Oh, this is going to be good. You know I won't tell; you don't need to get all twitchy."

Jim smiled. Of course he knew Bones wouldn't tell. He took a deep breath, and started talking about Delta Vega. It was the first time Jim had said this out loud, sharing what he really felt. When Ambassador Spock told him about his true identity, Jim first thought he was a Vulcan abandoned there because he was mad. Then with the mind meld Jim got things straight, but also gained a few memories that were now troubling him. That Spock was caring, he smiled often and he even used sarcasm. He antagonized Bones too, that must be an obligation in every parallel universe. However, in that time Bones and Spock seemed friendlier with each other. Perhaps if his Bones and Spock kept the banter going they would get there.

Bones was speechless; he just stared at Jim like he'd grown a second head.

"Are you telling me you let a complete stranger who may have been crazy poke into your head because he said he was Spock? What the hell is wrong with you?"

Well, at least this was better than silent shock.

"He had to explain everything quickly, and I was abandoned there, what else did I have to lose? Besides, he saved me, if it wasn't for him I'd be dead."

"Jim, I get that it was desperate times and all, but he clearly didn't know what he was doing. He left things in your head that are popping out whenever they feel like it. It can't be good to have an extra set of memories that don't belong to you. Why don't you talk to the hobgoblin? Maybe he can help."

"I can't talk to Spock about it!"

"Why the hell not? He's the same, but younger. That makes him responsible for your head. You have to tell him."

"Look, I'll talk to the Ambassador; but Spock can't know, the Ambassador mentioned something about the universe going wacky if Spock knew about his existence. Furthermore, think about what would cause to Spock to know about the Ambassador. Imagine an older version of you wandering around."

"Well, I wouldn't be poking people's head, that's for sure." Bones sighed.

"No, maybe you would chase them with a hypospray," Jim smiled.

"Only if they deserved it. Okay, you won't tell the elf, I got it. You think he hasn't noticed your hallucinations?"

"Why would he? You hadn't noticed them."

"I don't spend my time attached to your hip like he does."

Jim knew his friend didn't mean his comment as a complaint, and wasn't attempting to make him feel bad about it, but Jim felt Bones had a good point there. How could he notice if something was wrong with Jim, if Jim hadn't bothered to spend enough time with him for Bones to notice anything off?

"If he noticed something," said Jim finally "he hasn't said anything."

"Go figure." Bones didn't seem too surprised about this. "I knew you kept something from your ice trip to Delta Vega; I just didn't imagine it would involve _another_ elf. This universe doesn't need two of them. So you definitely aren't going to say anything to Spock?"

"Nope. I can manage just fine until I speak with the Ambassador. And you better be discreet about it."

"What could I possibly do? Go and tell Spock that he has an older, sneaky twin who pokes into other people's heads like it's nothing and takes advantage of the stupidity of said people?"

"Hey! He didn't take advantage, I let him!" Jim defended.

"That's why it's called 'taking advantage'; you voluntarily let someone go in your head and move things around, like you weren't damaged before. I don't know how those things work, but I'm asking M'Benga about this."

"Bones!"

"I'll be careful, damn it!"

Jim glared at his friend, but then smiled, feeling happier than before. He'd finally said something about this secret that was honestly becoming too weird for him to bear alone. Now at least Bones would listen to his rants about it, he wouldn't have to feel on his own every time a stupid memory came and disrupted whatever he was doing.

"That Jim Kirk was Captain, you know?" Jim smiled sadly.

"He was older than you, Jim. Besides, you can't do that. You can't compare your life with his, you two are different, and you better acknowledge that."

"Yes, I know, I know… I can't help but compare, though. You had blue eyes."

"So what? He isn't me; he could be a woman for all I care. Come on, let's go. I have to discharge Edwards and lecture Keller about the procedures."

"I thought you did that yesterday."

"And now I'll do it again." Bones smirked.

Jim couldn't take away Bones' hobby: yelling at medical staff. They were in the transporter room, watching Edwards disappear accompanied by Giotto, when Jim realized that he hadn't heard from Spock so far.

"Scotty, the Captain beamed down already?" Jim asked.

"Aye! He left orders to transport Edwards as soon as the good doctor ordered, and then beamed down with Nyota."

"What? Everyone here calls her by her first name? That's not fair!" Jim pouted.

"That's a privilege you have to win, Jim." Bones clapped Jim's shoulder.

"Two to beam down, Scotty." Jim felt a little insecure about what to do next. He'd expected Spock to be there and deal with Gary in his own 'I told you no' Vulcan way. When Spock was in Captain mode (which was most of the time), he could be scary.

* * *

Spock had finished his shared meal with Nyota, noticing that he had not had any communications from the Enterprise or Commander Kirk. If Kirk was injured, Doctor McCoy would have told him since he had strict orders to notify Spock when any crew member happened to be harmed. That Kirk was the most liable to get injured was not Spock's fault. The Commander was, as Nyota said, 'a disaster magnet'. He was trying to include Terran colloquial phrases in his vocabulary to get more involved in their culture and habits; however, it was difficult since it depended on the context and sometimes the same phrase could be misinterpreted.

Given that McCoy had not commed him and rumors were mostly about the incident in the bar the night before, Spock wondered if Kirk had accepted Mitchell's offer, and was preparing the paperwork for the transfer. The Commander hated paperwork; he always procrastinated anything that involved that particular activity until Spock had two choices: either he did the Commander's job for him, or he compelled him to do it himself. He chose the latter, and that was why he and Kirk were together almost every night after shift when they had the opportunity. He would assume Kirk would decline the offer merely to avoid the official procedures that were involved.

"Hey, are you okay?" Nyota looked at him with uncertainty.

"I am."

"Oh. Okay, you stayed silent for a while, and you didn't seem to be hearing what I was saying."

She was correct. Spock had not had heard what she said because he was thinking about the Commander and his future departure.

"Nyota, if Commander Kirk resigned his post, who you think would be the best choice to fill the position?"

Nyota frowned, like Spock had said something odd. Before their friendly parting, she had often done that when Spock talked about Commander Kirk with her.

"Why do you ask? Is Kirk being an idiot?" she said lightly, but Spock could see confusion in her eyes.

"He is not. I ask because Commander Kirk may be considering service on another ship."

"What? That idiot! Don't tell me Mitchell offered him a job. I knew it!" Nyota was angry; Spock did not understand how she changed emotions this quickly.

"I do not know if he asked Mister Kirk, however he spoke to me about 'lending' him the Commander. I must say I was disconcerted by the fact that he hinted we could trade Mister Kirk as if he were an object. I found that distasteful and offensive."

"You shouldn't be surprised, Mitchell treats people like garbage. If Kirk transfers, then he's an idiot and I'll hate him again. Mitchell must want something from Jim; I knew it when he said he was having dinner with him."

"Indeed, I believe Mister Mitchell extended his offer to the Commander during their shared meal the night before."

"You think he'll transfer?" Nyota looked at him now with a glimpse of sadness.

Before Spock could even think about how to answer, he heard the small buzz from his communicator. Nyota sighed, almost like she had been expecting this interruption.

"Spock."

"Kirk here. Captain, long time, no hear." Spock heard Doctor McCoy snorting, he was probably accompanying Kirk. "We need your signature on one of the forms."

"I believe I signed every document Doctor McCoy sent me."

"Well, it's not my damn fault, you damn…"

"Bones!" Kirk chastised.

"What? I'm on shore leave, if I want to call him ELF I'll call him ELF."

Doctor McCoy was being loud and insufferable, that probably meant that the medical staff on the USS Archimedes had made a mistake already and he had to fix it.

"We're in the Enterprise's Conference room. Can you make it, or are you _busy_ with Uhura?"

Spock glanced at Nyota, who only raised an eyebrow. Apparently she had heard the disapproving tone in the Commander's voice when he made his comment. Moreover, Kirk knew that Spock never eluded his duty for personal reasons. This was disconcerting.

"I will beam up immediately, Commander. Spock out."

As he put his communicator back at his waist, he noticed the strange look Nyota was directing at him.

"What was that about?" she asked.

"I do not know. Perhaps Doctor McCoy is occupied with unexpected documents."

"I don't mean Leonard. Kirk was weird, didn't you notice something?"

He did. He also would not say it.

"No. If you will excuse me, Nyota, I have to go."

"Yeah, sure," she smiled. "See you later."

Spock knew Nyota watched him until he beamed back to the Enterprise.

* * *

The last person Jim expected to see when he and Bones arrived in the Conference room was Gary with Kevin. What the hell was Kevin doing there?

"Hey, Jimmy!" Gary stoop up, hugging him. He hadn't done that yesterday.

"Hi. How did you get here?"

"You give us permission to come aboard, remember?"

"Yes, to the transporter room. You know better than to wander around a strange ship that isn't yours," Jim frowned. "And what are you doing here, Kevin?"

"Hi, Jim!" Kevin smiled. "Bones!"

Jim almost laughed when he heard the nickname from Kevin's lips. Bones looked like he was about to punch someone.

"Leonard," Bones said dryly, sitting next to Kevin.

"Jim, you're very rude on this ship, I wonder if it's because you have to follow all those boring rules." Gary sighed. "Your nurse walked us here and told us to wait for you. There, happy?"

"She isn't my nurse, she's Bones'," Jim sat down too "and I'm ecstatic, thanks for asking."

"Here, Keller told me to give this to you." Gary took out a small PADD and handed it to Bones. "It needs your Captain's signature."

"What? I sent all the paperwork already signed!"

"Keller forgot to update the chart and he needed a new one."

"He _forgot_? What kind of a moron forgets to update a chart? I'm about to get Edwards back to the Enterprise," Bones muttered.

"Be my guest," Gary smiled. Apparently he had heard everything McCoy said. "You'll have to explain it to Pike, though."

"Let me call Spock and tell him we need him."

" _You_ need him," Gary repeated like he couldn't believe it.

"Are you deaf?" Bones interjected. "Because you just heard me fine."

"Why are we all so snippy?" Jim asked them with a frown. It almost seemed like they were fighting. "We're setting a bad example for Kevin."

"It's no different to when Admiral Komack visits Admiral Pike's classes," Kevin chuckled.

"Yeah, those fights are epic," Jim mused. "Kevin, what's up? Why are you here?"

"That would be my fault, Jim," said Gary. "You see, Kevin here is doing an internship on the Archimedes. Obviously, you can see Komack's behind this. Since we have Cadets, we have to be careful and all that crap. However, it got my attention that you will be down two security members, and coincidently Kevin is specializing in that area. I thought it would be a great idea if he finished his internship here, on the Enterprise. He needs field experience, and let me tell you, my ship is anything but an opportunity for that. So far I've only had him carrying boxes and playing poker with the rest of my security department. So I brought him here to you."

Jim was astonished. What the hell? Kevin was still a Cadet and, true, when you did internships it was to get field experience, but the Enterprise wasn't a kindergarten. They couldn't take Kevin just because Gary thought it was a 'great idea'.

"I told Pike about it and he agreed," added Gary, almost like he'd read Jim's mind.

"What? Who said you could take those liberties?"

"I asked for my transfer, Jim," interrupted Kevin. "I mean, Commander Kirk. Captain Mitchell was only helping me."

"Are you insane? Why in seven hells would you want to serve HERE? There are other vessels."

"You mean 'safe' vessels?" Kevin frowned. "The Enterprise is the best ship; it would be an honor to serve here. And if I do a good job, maybe Captain Spock will request me in the future. This is my decision, Jim. Not yours."

"That's where you're wrong. I'm the Commander, I can decide too," Jim spat.

"Jim, can I talk to you for a moment?" Bones stood up, taking Jim by the arm and trying to pull him up.

"No." Jim glared at Bones.

Bones pushed him out the room, to at least get out of hearing-range.

"What's the matter with you?" McCoy scowled.

"What's the matter with _you_?" retorted Jim. "You can't honestly tell me you think this is a good idea."

"I can honestly tell you that you can't forbid anything. If Kevin wants to be here, what's the big deal?"

"Come on, he's still a Cadet! Imagine he beams down to a dangerous mission, what then? We can't babysit him all the damn time!" Jim was raising his voice.

"He's in Starfleet, Jim. He;s bound to do that eventually. You can't take care of him forever. You need to let him be his own person."

"Oh, don't give me that crap! Komack put him on Gary's ship because it was safe."

"Komack put him on Mitchell's ship to punish the Captain, not because he wanted to protect Kevin. If Pike said it was okay, then you can't do anything."

"I can talk to Spock. He could say no."

"Jim, how do you think Kevin will feel when he sees you blocking his path? He is your friend. He'd feel betrayed if you did that."

Bones was right about that. When Jim was arguing with Gary, he could see the hurt look from Kevin. Jim hated that Kevin had enlisted, but he couldn't stop him from serving, and if he was on the Enterprise, at least Jim could make sure he wasn't hurt and that he was trained properly to face anything. He was looking at this from the wrong angle. He could protect Kevin.

"Let me call Spock so he can join us."

"He'll blame me for the paperwork, you'll see." Bones was relaxing as he saw Jim's anger fade.

"You are too paranoid, Bones."

After Jim commed Spock, he realized he was uncomfortable about the fact that he was with Uhura. What did he expect? She was his friend, and he was free to spend his leave with whoever he wanted. Hopefully Spock didn't notice anything and he could just continue as if nothing had happened.

"You came to your senses?" Gary asked as soon as Jim stepped back into the room.

"None of your business," he snapped.

"I assume that also means you won't take my offer, right?" Gary looked oddly resigned.

"That's right, you can shove your offer up your -"

"Commander Kirk." Spock was frozen in the doorframe, looking appalled. Spock got all worked up when Jim was defiant with those who 'outranked him', which included most of the people they met, to be honest. Sometimes being First Officer sucked.

"It's okay, Captain, Jimmy and I have an understanding. I took no offence at his comment. Although I expect him to compensate me next time we share a shore leave," Gary smiled rather lasciviously.

Jim noticed that Spock didn't look too convinced about that; still, Jim wouldn't apologize even if Spock ordered him. Gary was crossing the line; who the fuck was he to order people around and send them crewmembers like he was in charge of everything? Jim breathed, expecting Spock to take his seat next to Bones, opposing Mitchell as was customary. He tensed when the Vulcan sat down next to him instead, perhaps to remind Jim of his authority and stop him from being insubordinate again. Mitchell was surprised as well, while Bones seemed to be indifferent.

"What can we do for you, Captain Mitchell?" Spock glanced at Kirk with the eyebrow of doubt lifted right up. Jim realized he'd forgotten to tell Spock about Gary and Kevin being onboard.

"You can sign the form I handed to your CMO, for starters," Mitchell smiled placidly. "And if I may, I wish to congratulate you on your loyal First Officer. He declined my offer too; apparently the Enterprise is better than a shore leave on Ressa 4."

Jim frowned. Gary was a sore loser, he knew it. But telling Spock this like he should care was another thing. What did he expect? Spock probably wouldn't even understand why everyone thought Ressa 4 was the best place for shore leave. In the Academy, all Cadets knew the rumors about that place; beach, always sunny and beautiful natives. They all hoped to visit the place at least once.

To his credit, Spock only nodded like he agreed. Spock often did that when he didn't have any idea of what to say, and it seemed a neutral answer for everything. Jim tried to take advantage of that, but Spock always managed to understand the tricky comments Jim made to see if he nodded; he didn't, he kept asking questions until he deciphered the true meaning behind the remark.

Spock finally noticed Kevin. Or, at least, he acknowledge his existence; he probably was aware of him since he arrived but was too polite to ask who the hell was that kid.

"May I ask about the presence of the young Cadet?" Spock looked at Gary.

"He's Kevin Riley. Since you didn't lend me Jim, I'm lending you the kid here for your security team."

Jim saw Kevin frowning when he heard how Gary talked about him. Honestly, diplomacy wasn't Mitchell's forte.

"I do not see the necessity of 'lending' personnel. We have an excellent Security department; we do not need another member, particularly one who has not finished his basic training."

"May I have a word, Captain Spock?" Kevin spoke with confidence.

"You may," Spock conceded.

"I'm doing my internship and I have one month left. My time with Captain Mitchell has been satisfactory; however, my main goal was to experience the field as I will on missions. The Enterprise is the best ship, sir. And I know that you probably think I'm not capable; but let me prove to you that I'm a competent member for your crew."

"Besides, you are down two members, Captain. If you keep going like this, you'll only have Jim on your team. The kid is remarkable, he's smart and he kicked my staff's ass a few times in training. If you're worried about the Admirals, I talked to Pike already and he approved. He even encouraged the decision."

Jim sensed the heated glared Spock was sending Mitchell. Although he was afraid Spock would demonstrate his Vulcan strength right there, he hardly could blame him. Gary was being a total jerk, and he totally ruined Kevin's argument.

"I see. While I do not appreciate your intrusive methods, Captain Mitchell, I must agree with Mister Riley on his need to experience missions. He probably did not have any noteworthy assignments during his stay on the USS Archimedes, as I understand it is presently being used as a cargo ship."

Jim was fighting hard to keep from laughing; Spock sure knew how to slap a bitch when it was necessary. Gary was furious, Jim could tell because he was rigid and clenching his fists. Bones was less tactful and just smirked.

"I'm finally seeing the funny side Jim keeps saying you have, Captain," Bones said cheerfully.

"Well, I'm sure we all are seeing a different side of you right now, Captain Spock," spat Gary. "First impressions can be deceiving."

"I concur," Spock said neutrally. "Commander Kirk, what is your opinion on the matter at hand?"

Kevin looked at Jim with pleading eyes. Jim knew that if he said he didn't agree, Spock would be on his side. Spock didn't know Kevin and was reluctant to have a Cadet on the ship. Above all, he wanted to defy Mitchell and this could be a great opportunity. Still, Bones' words echoed in his head. Kevin would feel betrayed, and Jim would feel guilty. Maybe it was best to leave the decision to Spock; Jim would just be honest.

"Well, we sure don't need another member on the team." Jim noticed how Kevin flinched. "But Pike approved already, and honestly, he can't be worse than Edwards. Giotto will be back in a week, maybe we can see how Riley performs and if he's good, we let him finish the internship here, and if he isn't we can send him back on Giotto's shuttle." Jim didn't said that since they didn't have any missions yet, maybe when Giotto got back Kevin would go on his own after seeing how the Enterprise was as boring as the Archimedes.

"I believe you are correct. Mister Riley, please prepare the documents necessary for your transfer to the USS Enterprise."

If Kevin could jump from happiness, he would have done it several times, Jim observed. He was smiling widely and Jim wondered when he'd last seen that smile in Kevin.

"Everything worked out, I see." Gary stood up, still blushing from Spock's previous remark. "Since I don't have any other business here, I'll take my leave. Kevin, let's go so you can gather your things and I sign your transfer."

"Yes, Captain." Kevin stood up eagerly.

"Jim, can we talk?" Gary's tone was tense.

Jim didn't want to discuss anything with Gary anymore. But he couldn't say no since he'd been rude before and Spock was watching them contemplatively.

"Okay, let's go. If you need anything, I have my communicator, Captain." Spock nodded, and Jim glanced at Bones, who looked thoughtful.

Jim followed Gary, wondering what he could possibly want to talk about. He'd already said he wasn't interested in the post, and had accepted Kevin onboard. Gary was walking faster, almost like he couldn't bear to be on the Enterprise anymore. Kevin was behind him, looking happy about his new assignment. Then he turned back to look at Jim.

"Thanks, Jim," he said too vehemently.

"I was honest, Kevin. You don't have to thank me." Jim was becoming more like Spock with each passing day. He only had to add the 'it's illogical' and then he would be exactly like him.

Kevin kept smiling until they arrived to the Transporter room. When they beamed down, Kevin went back to the Archimedes while he and Gary stood right where they were dropped.

"What do you want?" Jim asked with an edgy tone.

"Look, I don't want to part ways angry. You're my friend, if I offended you because I thought I was helping, well, I guess I apologize. But I don't like your Captain."

"I think the feeling is mutual, Gary." Jim relaxed. "I get that you were trying to do a nice thing, but you should know better than to meddle in other people's business. I bet that's why Komack punished you."

"Yeah, you know me," Gary smiled. "Still, take care. That guy is bad news; I don't want to see you get hurt."

Jim felt a small sense of déjà vu. It wasn't like he'd experienced something like this before, but those words… 'I don't want to see you get hurt'… he had heard them before. He was sure.

"I won't. I can take care of myself, but thanks for the concern."

"I know you can. But when you get attached to people, you forget to be careful. Main survival lesson, Jim: Never trust entirely. There's nobody in this life who you can depend on wholly. Not even your beloved Leonard McCoy or your dearest Captain Spock."

Jim wasn't really surprised to hear Gary say that. He knew that guy didn't even trust his own shadow. He firmly believed that people had a price and they could turn their backs on you at any given time; you couldn't trust because if you did, you lost. Gary's lessons for getting to the Admiralty: Don't rely on anyone. You can do it alone, and you don't need anybody. There was a time when Jim had thought like that too, right after Tarsus. He'd survived alone; if he'd dared to have faith that eventually somebody would help them, he would have died like the others. While he saw people dying because they were expecting help, he fought hard. Maybe that was the 'special' thing Kodos saw in him. His mother, his brother and two years of therapy hadn't changed his mind after the incident. It wasn't until Pike barged into his life that he had the courage to open up again.

And he didn't regret it.

"Thanks for the pep talk," Jim said mockingly. "Like I said, I can take care of myself."

"All right, I'll back off. Can I at least get a goodbye hug?" Gary moved towards Jim.

"Just one, I usually charge for these," he joked as Gary embraced him tightly.

Jim was backing away from Gary's hold when, unexpectedly, Gary put his hands on Jim's face and pulled him right to his lips. Jim, too stunned to stop him, went heavily until their lips met with a crash. Jim didn't open his mouth, even when Gary was seeking entrance in a rather forceful way. Finding his strength again, Jim pushed him with force, wiping his lips while Gary just looked smug.

"What the hell?" Jim heard someone saying behind him.

As he turned around, Jim's mind was repeating the same mantra: 'Please, don't let it be Spock, please, don't let it be Spock'. Of course he knew that the voice hadn't come from Spock, but from a surprised Bones, but if Spock was with him, Jim would kill Gary.

And just his luck, he saw Bones standing behind him with his arms crossed, and Spock looking almost distant.

"Well, I certainly wasn't expecting this when I beamed down." Bones was sarcastic.

Jim thought of saying a lot of things. That Gary had forced him; that he didn't want it, and he was a professional who didn't get involved with other Captains; that he wasn't fraternizing with Mitchell; a lot of things, and yet he kept silent like his voice was suddenly gone.

"It was a pleasure, as _always_ , Jimmy," Gary smiled, getting close to Jim again. " _At least this way he knows you have someone to protect you,_ " he whispered in Jim's ear, and walked away.

Jim hated his delayed reactions when people stunned him like Gary just did. He wanted to punch him and he wanted to make him tell Spock he was the one who pushed him. He kissed him by force, and Jim had honestly never thought he could say that and be entirely truthful. He always thought that people who cheated and said 'he/she kissed me against my will' was ridiculous. Nobody could kiss you against your will, you at least let the other person do it. Now he realized that it was in fact possible. He would have preferred to find out when there were no witnesses. Gary was long gone when Jim finally reacted, and he just blinked, trying to form a coherent sentence.

"What are you doing here?" There, coherent enough.

"Not that it's any of your business, Jimbo, but I wanted to see the coffee place everyone kept talking about. And the Captain is meeting Uhura."

Uhura? Well, Jim felt less guilty then. Not that there was anything to feel guilty about. He was single, Gary was single, they were both adults, he didn't need Spock's permission to go around kissing whoever he wanted. It wasn't like Spock had asked _him_ for permission to get back with Uhura. Now he regretted not responding Gary's kiss. He could have put a hell of a show for Spock.

Why was he so upset about this? Spock was his friend; nothing more. He'd better stop this letting the other memories bit you in the ass thing he had going on right now.

If Spock moved any facial muscle it would help too.

"I'll go with you, Bones," Jim said quickly. He couldn't stand being in front of Spock anymore.

"Fine, but you're buying," Bones scowled.

"Right, let's go."

If Bones was curious about Jim's rush, he didn't say it… right away. They nodded respectfully at Spock, who still hadn't moved a single facial muscle and Jim feared that meant he would choke a bitch later. Well, he didn't have any logical reason to do it, Jim just had to clear the air and let him know he didn't exchange any information with Mitchell.

Jim could at least have taken advantage of that and slept with Gary. He was becoming… Bones. That was scary. Bones hadn't sleep with anyone since his divorce; Jim had once thought he was gay. Bones didn't appreciate it when he set him up with one of their classmates.

So Spock thought he was a slut who slept with whoever talked nicely to him, and he didn't even get to have sex to earn the reputation. This sucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to Anbessette, the official beta of this story.


	9. Chapter 3C: Stultum est timere quod vitare non potes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their forming friendship was at risk because Spock had made the right decision.

Bones waited until they both were at the coffee place, and until he'd chastised Jim for ordering a slice of pie.

"So, what's eating you? You didn't say goodbye to the hobgoblin. Hell, you didn't explain why Mitchell was inspecting your mouth. Did he lose something there?" Bones smirked.

"Funny. I don't have to explain myself. Spock is the Captain, not the owner of my entire life."

"Really? Lately it seemed like he was both." Bones sighed. "I thought you said you weren't sleeping with Mitchell."

"I'm not. I didn't sleep with him, he just kissed me because… well, can you really blame him? Look at me." Jim tried to look at this with a sense of humor.

"Yeah, we all have problems resisting your charm," Bones said sarcastically. "You looked like we caught you cheating. What, you and Spock have a fidelity pact?"

"I don't know why I reacted that way, okay? I just felt…" _Like I was betraying Spock_ , Jim thought. "Weird."

"Well, in your defence, I saw you push Mitchell," mused Bones.

"That was because he forced me. He caught me off guard. There wasn't even tongue, and let me tell you, that sucks. I think the last woman who kissed me like that was Gaila. Shit, I haven't even kissed anyone since her."

"I'm sure you'll find someone who can French kiss you."

"Are you volunteering?" Jim winked.

"I don't want anything to do with that tongue of yours. God knows where it's been."

"Gary said he did it to show Spock I have someone to 'protect' me. Can you believe that guy?"

"I can. He told me once he didn't like the way I treated you and he hated the fact that you trusted me with everything. I think he has issues."

Jim wasn't aware of that. Why did Gary feel it was his duty to go around and scare the people who were close to Jim?

"Why didn't you tell me?" asked Jim.

"Because I don't give a fuck. He could complain all he wanted, I was hardly going to listen. You haven't answered… Why did you care that the elf saw you exchanging saliva with Mitchell?"

"I don't know. I guess I don't want him to think that I'm a man whore like the others." Jim sighed.

"He's Vulcan Jim. He can't think that kind of words. He'll probably think you're a promiscuous human who can't keep it in his pants, that's all."

"Thanks, that's much better," Jim sneered. "I guess I want respect, Bones. I fought hard to be here, I don't want Spock believing I slept my way up." It was a sound argument; Jim knew the rumors about him and pretty much every Admiral. Even Komack, with all the 'hate sex' they were supposed to have had back in the Academy. Spock wasn't deaf. He must have heard some of those comments at least once, and judging from the way he looked at Jim, it was positive that he was thinking about Jim like everyone else did: Just a dumb fuck who used his body to get anything he wanted.

"I know what you're thinking, Jim." Bones interrupted his train of thought. "You should really stop the pity parties, don't you think? Spock knows you deserve the post, hell, he thinks you deserve the Captaincy too."

"What?" Jim looked at Bones with surprise.

"Dammit. I wasn't supposed to say that out loud. You don't know this, and if Spock finds out somehow I'm denying everything. Nyota told me he told her about he thought you deserved the Captaincy more than he does."

"You gossip with Uhura now?" Jim smirked. "You are one step away from becoming a woman."

"I was bored, and that's none of your business. If the elf thought you were sleeping with Mitchell, then he's a moron. You two looked almost like you were forced to kiss. I guess in your case it was true."

"Then why did you ask me if I was sleeping with him?"

"It wouldn't be the first time you slept with someone and then the awkward goodbye was a cold, forced kiss."

Well, that was true. Bones should know, he'd shared a room with Jim for three years. Knowing that Spock thought he deserved the Captaincy made Jim feel better about everything. Since he'd started serving on the Enterprise, he'd tried to do his best. He and Spock had different views on things, and often argued about them. Yet Jim respected he was the Captain, and he must obey orders.

The only decision Jim had disapproved of so far was Spock beaming down on dangerous missions. Spock listened and made an effort to understand Jim's reasons. Before the Narada incident, Jim had thought he'd be serving under Pike's command. Pike was badass and he didn't take crap from anyone. Jim thought he would enjoy serving with him. Then Spock came along, and Jim expected that the combination of the Vulcan in command and his resentment that he didn't get the ship would eventually explode. Surprisingly, Jim felt comfortable enough with Spock. Besides, this was shore leave, he could do anything he wanted to as long it wasn't detrimental to Starfleet. This was no different than when people said he was sleeping with Bones. He never cared about rumors before, he should let this pass too.

Except he kept thinking about it, and he had no idea what to do to feel better about this, or at least to stop attaching so much importance to what had happened. When he noticed Spock on the Observation deck, Jim called Bones and told him that he couldn't meet him for dinner. He tried to subdue the small pang of guilt he felt for cancelling on his friend since he was trying to compensate Bones, but he could make it up later.

Spock seemed oblivious to his presence, and Jim stood very still, wondering what to do now. Maybe he should make small talk to see if Spock was angry, although if Spock was angry, then Jim would be angry as well since the Vulcan had no right to be mad. Then he would probably do something to screw things up.

"Commander, is there anything you needed?" Spock said, which made Jim jump, startled.

"Oh, well…" Jim was at loss for what to say. Why hadn't he gone with Bones? "Are you beaming down?" That was a stupid question; they both knew that Spock wouldn't beam down unless someone was doing something dumb or anyone was at risk.

"No."

Short answer. Crap.

"Why? Come on, it would be fun, I bet Uhura's expecting you." Jim was surprised by what he'd just said. Why did he involve Uhura in this? Sometimes his mouth had life of its own.

"I believe you are mistaken. The Lieutenant has plans that do not involve me in any way."

"Oh. How about we grab dinner then? My treat."

Spock finally looked at him and Jim felt he'd made progress when he saw the 'you are weird' eyebrow up.

"I do not need nourishment at this moment."

Even when Spock seemed his normal cold and distant self, Jim felt something odd. He was exactly the same, this was not like when Spock applied the silent treatment, yet Jim knew something was up. If he asked about Spock and his feelings, he would get nowhere. He had to ask this in a way that the Vulcan couldn't refute.

"What did you think about Riley?" Jim was a genius. He'd not only apparently changed the subject; he'd also given Spock a good opportunity to share his impression of Kevin.

"He seems efficient, he has a recommendation letter from Admiral Pike and his grades are exceptional. I believe that even Captain Mitchell said positive things about his character."

"Yeah, but if it's coming from Mitchell it doesn't mean that much to you, right?" Jim smiled, knowing that he was getting to the point he wanted.

"Indeed, he does not seem like a reliable source." Jim guessed that if Spock was human, he would have snorted. He took the no eyebrow up thing as such.

"He's a jerk, that's for sure, diplomacy is not his thing. But if Riley has a clean record and has Pike's fondness, then Gary is probably correct this time." Spock seemed thoughtful about what Jim had just said. Hopefully he hadn't pissed the Vulcan off.

"Then you agree with him," Spock said dryly. "Not unexpected when romantic partners are involved. If you do not mind if I ask, is that the reason why you suggested that Mister Riley transferred to the Enterprise?"

"Okay, let's be clear about two things." Finally they got to what Jim was interested in. "First, I know Riley from the Academy, and he was always outstanding. I also knew him for a while when we were children, let's not go into details, but the thing is I know him pretty well and I know we are lucky to have him here." This was starting to backfire in ways Jim hadn't expected. He wanted Riley out of there, and now he had probably convinced Spock to let him finish the internship with them. Jim didn't focus on that thought, he had bigger fish to fry here. "And second, I'm not involved with Mitchell. And if I was, I wouldn't be so unprofessional as to let that cloud my judgement and approve someone who could be detrimental on the ship. Contrary to your belief, I do care for the Enterprise and I do care for –" _You_ was about to leave Jim's lips, but he stopped himself in time. "The crew," he said instead.

Jim noticed that Spock was very rigid next to him. He'd babbled too much, he knew it. He couldn't stop once he started; apparently he had a lot to say even when he told himself he was only making his points clear and nothing more.

"I know you would not do anything detrimental to the Enterprise, Commander Kirk." Okay, _Commander Kirk_ never cued something good. "I did not know you were previously acquainted with Mister Riley."

"Yeah, long story, boring too. Whatever, the thing is that I'm not involved with Mitchell." Jim wasn't letting Spock change the subject, that sneaky Vulcan had more knowledge of human behavior than he let on.

"I believe that your personal affairs are entirely your own," said Spock.

"Well, I just wanted to make sure… I mean, we aren't involved in any way. You and Uhura back together or what?" Dammit, that wasn't supposed to be said out loud.

To his credit, Spock only tilted his head, blinking.

"No," he answered, and he took his sweet time doing it, Jim was about to speak and say that it didn't matter. The worst part was that Jim felt it did matter, although he didn't know exactly why. He'd prepared himself to hear 'Yes, we are together and we are planning the wedding. We'll have tons of children and live happily ever after', though of course that would be phrased in a very Vulcan way. When he heard the 'no', Jim felt something in his stomach finally settle.

"All right then. You aren't with Uhura, I'm not with Mitchell, we are both single and available." Jim hoped he didn't say that last part out loud, he'd meant to stop after saying 'Mitchell'. He noticed he hadn't when Spock looked at him with his Vulcan frown. "Just saying, to make things clear."

"Indeed." Spock was surely just patronizing him. "I do not see the need for clarification, however those seem to be the facts."

Spock believed him when he said he wasn't with Gary? That was a first. Jim wasn't used to people just believing what he said. They often demanded that he prove things, and in their defence, Jim lied a lot. Particularly to Bones, who kept nagging him about injuries and his sleeping habits. For Spock to just say that it was okay… well, this was new. What was he supposed to say? He'd expected a lot of squabble here, perhaps Spock saying that friends don't kiss or how illogical that would be. Jim was ready to argue (as much as one can argue with _Spock_ ) about this until one of them (probably Jim) started shouting and said something stupid.

It seemed that Spock accepted what Jim said as true even though the Vulcan had witnessed how Jim lied to Bones. Or maybe Spock just didn't want to discuss the subject further and that was fine by him. He would go with the 'Spock trusts me' thing just for his peace of mind.

"Great! Awesome… So… if we are both single, I guess we don't need permission to play chess, right? Would you like to have a match?"

"I do not see how we would need 'permission' from our respective partners to play a game even if we were romantically involved; nonetheless, I am not opposed to the idea."

He said yes, Jim needed to stop acting like an idiot now. He made it his personal goal to make Spock enjoy their next shore leave.

* * *

Spock had had expectations about the shore leave. None of them were fulfilled though, since the intrusion of Captain Mitchell put several things Spock had not considered into perspective. It had not occurred to him that perhaps Mister Kirk had other plans, as Captain Mitchell told him. Fortunately he had rejected the offer, although if someone offered something more rewarding than his current position, the Commander could abandon the ship, and Spock would have to consider his next course of action. Kirk was irreplaceable, whoever he made his second in command in the case of Mister Kirk's departure would lack many of the Commander's abilities. The only logical course of action was to make the Enterprise a 'second home', as humans said, for Kirk and that way he would stay as long as Spock was Captain.

He was not worried about the alleged 'relationship' between the Commander and Captain Mitchell. He was surprised when he beamed down with Doctor McCoy because he did not expect to see such physical demonstrations of affection. Spock had not known that they were involved. Kirk had been with McCoy the night before, and the Commander was quite hostile to Mitchell in the meeting. He had been honest when he told the Commander that his personal affairs were his concern and not Spock's; still, he was not prepared to witness those affairs. He knew the reputation the Commander had carried since the Academy. Yet he had not involved himself in any personal relationships in the time they had served together. If Kirk and Mitchell were together, the Commander would surely have mentioned it. And if they started the relationship on their shared shore leave, then it had ended quickly judging from the way Kirk acted around Mitchell and the coldness he had seen between them as they kissed.

Above all, Spock did not feel any affection from the Commander regarding Mitchell. Although Spock had shields to prevent him from reading the emotions of others, it was sometimes inevitable with the Commander given the closeness they shared. When Kirk said he was not involved with Mitchell, Spock felt his conviction and he believed him, although Kirk seemed surprised that he did. Spock just dismissed the subject as unimportant and started planning his strategy to make the Enterprise a good place for Kirk. Having McCoy aboard suddenly felt like an excellent choice.

Following his tactics, Spock remained silent when he observed how irrational Mister Kirk became when Cadet Riley was involved. At the moment he was chastising Lieutenant Cravers because he trained with Mister Riley. The Commander cursed at the Lieutenant because he was not 'careful enough' with the Cadet.

"He wants to be a member of the department, Commander!" Cravers shouted. "He has to learn to deal with this!"

"Oh, please, don't be an ass. When Giotto told you to go easy on Edwards, you almost put pillows on the floor," the Commander said coldly. "He's a Cadet, Cravers, stop pushing him."

"Stop protecting him," muttered Cravers.

"What was that?" Kirk looked murderous.

"Nothing, _sir._ " Cravers looked down.

"Damn right. Now, McCoy needs help in the medical ward, I'm putting you under his command for as long as he thinks is necessary. Go report to him."

"But sir –"

"Would you like to help Scotty too?"

"No sir." Cravers clenched his fists.

"Good. Dismissed, go with McCoy."

Doctor McCoy had requested a member from the Security team to help him move the equipment in Sickbay because 'they are muscles without brains'; he and Mister Kirk had agreed to discuss which member they were sending, since it would be seen as a punishment for whomever they choose. Apparently Kirk had made the decision by himself, and Spock was hesitant as to whether he should intervene. This did not undermine his authority since the Commander was the head of the Security department; he was at liberty to select the best choice. Kirk knew how to handle his department; Spock should let him do it freely.

"Hello, Captain, do you need something?" Mister Kirk finally noticed his presence in the Training room.

Kirk was angry. Spock could tell because he called him 'Captain' and acted politely. When Kirk did that it was because he was making a strenuous effort to pretend he was not upset.

"I wanted to inquire about the selection to cover the request of Doctor McCoy. I see you already chose a member from the Security staff." Spock decided the best course of action was acting normally.

"He volunteered himself," said the Commander. Spock was about to argue with that but he thought better of it.

"I see. Very well; Commander, I have noticed your close relationship with Cadet Riley."

"Yeah, so?" Kirk got defensive as soon as he heard what Spock said. This was not good.

"I just wanted to make sure you keep in mind that the Cadet is seeking experience, if he wanted protection, he would have stayed on the USS Archimedes." Spock hoped the Commander would not take his comment as a criticism and could be reasonable. Although Spock had learned that 'Commander Kirk' and 'reasonable' were opposite concepts.

"The Captain is right, stop babysitting the kid."

They both turned around and saw Doctor McCoy entering the room.

"What do you know?" spat Kirk. "You don't let M'Benga do things either."

"Because I'm a controlling bastard, not because I don't trust him. Stop being an ass, Jim. If Cravers keeps moving my delicate equipment like that, he's going to break something and then I'll pester the Captain into getting me new shiny things. You know I hate asking the hobgoblin for anything."

Spock blinked, not taking offence at the insult. Sometimes the doctor acted like he was not there listening, and to be honest, Spock often blocked out the doctor's voice, as he rarely had an interesting argument.

"I don't tell you how to run your Sickbay, so don't lecture me about how I deal with my department." Kirk turned around, walking away from them. "Good day doctor, Captain."

It was the first time Spock had heard Mister Kirk use the doctor's title. He must be really upset, and Spock did not know the reason. It could not be only because Mister Cravers trained with Mister Riley.

"Stubborn bastard," McCoy whispered, and Spock did not know if he was referring to him or to Commander Kirk.

Given that McCoy was the best source for understanding the Commander's attitude, Spock needed to ask him. He prepared himself for the crude comments that this would lead to.

"May I ask why the Commander is angry?"

"So, you noticed too," McCoy sighed. "Look Captain, I can't tell you much, but Jim is really close to Riley. He thinks it's his personal responsibility to ensure his wellbeing. He's going to be an idiot until Riley is safe in the Academy again."

"Nevertheless, Mister Riley is a member of Starfleet. Has the Commander not considered that his field of work is dangerous? He can hardly protect Mister Riley at all times."

"Yeah, you and I know that. Jim… he likes to be oblivious about it. Just don't let him act stupidly and it's going to be okay."

Spock did not know what 'acting stupidly' involved, but he would have to observe the Commander carefully to make certain he did not get emotionally involved and let that affect his command.

* * *

When Mister Giotto was scheduled to return, they received a communication from Starfleet. Admiral Pike explained that Giotto was needed on the USS Archimedes since they had had another casualty on their return to Earth. Spock wondered how a cargo ship could have two officers injured when they did nothing dangerous. Spock suspected that Captain Mitchell had planned this since the beginning, although he did not share his thoughts.

"I need Giotto here, Pike." Mister Kirk was in a foul mood.

"We all need Giotto on the Archimedes, Jim. Komack trusts him, and he doesn't trust Mitchell. Do the math."

"We have to suffer because _Komack_ wants Mitchell under surveillance?"

"You have Riley, he is an excellent crewman."

"Yeah, and a Cadet too. We can't rely on him."

"You can. He's almost graduated anyway, take him and stop whining."

"I don't whine, you are being an as…"

"Commander," Spock interrupted.

"Right, well, you know what I meant." Kirk glared at Pike.

"Kirk, sometimes I wonder who the Captain is. You are the one who keeps complaining about everything even though you don't have the authority to override any decisions."

Spock noticed the Commander going rigid next to him, almost like the Admiral had hit him. It was vicious to remind Mister Kirk about his limitations in Command. The man was proud. Spock knew the Admiral had a somewhat justified reason for what he did but Spock did not agree with how he had said it. He could not reassure Kirk of his importance to the Command, however, since it would look unprofessional. He kept silent.

"You know? You are right, Pike. I'm nothing but a puppet here. I wonder why the Captain keeps calling me to witness these exciting communications, after all it doesn't make a difference if I'm present or not. If you excuse me _Admiral_ , I'm needed elsewhere. Permission to retire?"

Kirk and Pike looked at each other challengingly, and Spock was confused about what his course of action should be.

"Permission granted," Spock said neutrally. He would talk with Kirk later.

"Thank you, Captain. Admiral." Kirk stood up and bolted from the Conference room.

Pike sighed, like he was resigned.

"Admiral, although we respect your authority, I would appreciate if you stopped chastising my personnel," Spock said, trying to sound polite. "I am the one in command; I should be the one reprimanding my officers."

"I'm sorry Spock, it's just that Kirk and I have a complicated relationship. You're right, I was out of line. Still, Riley stays on the Enterprise and Giotto is going to be transferred to the Archimedes."

"For how long?" Spock knew that he could not dispute this decision; the Admirals had already settled on having Giotto on the Archimedes.

"Four months. As soon as the chief of Security from the Archimedes gets his approval to serve again, Giotto returns to the Enterprise."

"Understood."

"I hope Jim understands this too, Spock. For his own good."

Spock did not understand what the Admiral was referring to; clearly Admiral Pike was also informed about the connection between Cadet Riley and Commander Kirk that the doctor kept saying was private. Spock knew he could not force the Commander to share exactly why he felt responsible for Cadet Riley, however if he did tell him, it would make easier to comprehend his reasoning.

He expected Kirk to just acknowledge this and be professional about it. He could protest all he wanted, this was still happening and he had to accept it.

* * *

Jim was furious. Pike was an ass, and Mitchell a colossal jerk. He knew, he knew Riley was staying and he manipulated him into accepting him on the Enterprise. Sneaky bastard, he planned it all along and Jim was dumb enough to fall for the charade. And to think he felt bad for him, that asshole.

He spent the entire afternoon in the Training room, good thing Cravers offered to train with him. Cravers wanted to get his revenge because he was stuck in Sickbay and Jim wanted to unleash his frustration on someone. It worked well for both of them.

After he finally got beaten, and Cravers was limping to Sickbay, Jim felt a lot better. Okay, he wasn't in charge; Pike, although he was an ass, was right. Riley was there, Jim had no authority to override it; hence his next course of action should be protecting the kid. As long as Riley was under his watch, he wouldn't beam down on any dangerous missions. He'd fight to get this from Spock no matter what.

He ate his dinner alone because he was still moody and he didn't want to fight with Bones again. And he didn't want to see Spock either. When he got frustrated, he kept seeing things from the other reality and it didn't help much. If he was Captain like that Kirk, he would have sent Riley back a long time ago. If he hadn't been a failure, he would have the Enterprise by now. He would be Captain like that Kirk.

He hated feeling like this. Insecure; with no control. He always had to prove himself, and now being First Officer was the hardest task for him. Perhaps being the Captain was less challenging than being First Officer. After all, as First Officer you had to put everything in perspective and it could help build character and discipline. Jim smiled bitterly, who was he kidding? He wanted to be Captain badly. This was just frustrating, and if he was the quitter type, he would have resigned his post a long time ago.

Good thing he was proud and stubborn. He'd made a commitment and he would follow through. It was only for five more months, then he would get his ship and Mitchell and Pike could kiss his ass.

Jim was surprised to see Spock outside his room when he finished his dinner.

"Captain, is something wrong?" Jim asked.

"I was wondering if we could converse about the events that unfolded this afternoon."

Of course. Jim acted like an idiot. Why was he trying to look like an incompetent jerk in front of Spock every time he got the chance?

"Yeah, sure. Come in." Jim opened his door, stepping aside.

Spock stood next to his bed, probably waiting for Jim to sit. He did so behind the small desk and invited Spock to sit whenever he wanted. Spock chose the chair in front of him.

"Mister Riley is going to be considered as a member of the Security department," said Spock "and we have orders to stop considering him a Cadet."

"I figured as much," Jim said, trying to calm himself. Spock wasn't at fault here; in fact, he was the only one who was without blame in this mess. "He's still new, we can't rely on him much."

"Mister Cravers said he was rather efficient. Even more than Mister Edwards."

"Well, yeah, compared with Edwards, even a monkey would be more efficient," Jim spat, and then breathed. He was getting angry again.

"I do not believe an animal would be a good choice for any department, however I agree that the animal could be trained well enough to perform certain duties," Spock said, deadpan.

Jim laughed. He couldn't help it, Spock was funny even when he wasn't trying to be. Jim felt better immediately. It was like Spock could make him forget about his frustrations when he showed him how stupid they were.

"The Admiral was out of line this afternoon, Commander," said Spock, surprising Jim.

"Sorry?"

"When he said that you had no authority. You are second in command, you have authority to even override me if you believe it necessary. The Admiral was attempting to elicit an emotional response from you."

Jim knew that, he didn't need Spock reassuring him. After all, one of his motivations for taking the job was making Spock 'emotionally compromised' and then taking command of the Enterprise. It was nice to hear it, though.

"Yeah, Pike knew how to push me, don't worry, I know what you think."

"Do you?" Spock blinked.

"Yes. You said we share the command. Then you trust me with the decisions I make, you know I do things for a reason even when it's not clear for you. I trust you as well, so Pike can go fuck himself for all I care."

Spock lifted an eyebrow and tilted his head.

"Although I agree with your reasoning, I would prefer it if you do not refer to the Admiralty in general in a demeaning manner. Since this is off the record, I shall not take action; nevertheless, I must ask that you control your emotions."

"Yeah, I won't call him an asshole to his face, don't worry."

They kept talking about Riley, and Jim agreed to stop 'babysitting' him, but that didn't mean he would stop protecting him. Riley wasn't getting in any danger; he would make sure of that.

* * *

Jim should have known that fate was a bitch. He craved exciting missions, and now that they got one, he didn't want it. They got a distress call from the USS Pegasus. They were on a nearby planet where several crewmembers had gotten trapped in a mine. The Pegasus was assigned to that place because they were researching minerals fields. As soon as Spock ordered them to change the course to respond the call, Jim understood why, besides being the nearest ship, they requested the Enterprise. Pegasus was mostly a research and scientific ship, it lacked of tactical or security personnel, and from the sound of the briefing, the Captain was dumb enough to let almost the entire crew go to the mines. When Jim got the ship he was changing the procedures. Still, the Enterprise would have to use every Security member on this, including Riley.

Jim was trying to convince Spock to let Riley stay with Bones on the medical team.

"Bones needs a Security member; you don't know what could happen."

"Commander, this is a rescue mission. I do not see how Doctor McCoy could be at risk. He will be at a safe distance from the disaster; he is not in any danger."

Jim knew Spock was right. They needed every member of the team, that shouldn't be up for discussion, and yet he refused to accept this. There must be a way to keep Riley safe. Unfortunately he couldn't think anything else that would let Riley stay with Bones. He was sure that if he presented Spock with a reasonable argument he would concede, but he could only think of 'I don't want Riley on the rescue team, because I said so'. Spock hardly would cave for that.

He tried to convince Bones to request him for something. He failed there as well.

"For the tenth time, Jim, I'm not asking Riley onto my team. I need medical crew, not a Security officer. If he could patch people up, then I could request him, but he has zero medical training, therefore I'm not taking him. Stop being annoying, I have to prepare my equipment."

"He could help you carry your equipment," Jim suggested "you aren't getting any younger, and you could hurt yourself with all that heavy equipment. Riley could assist you with that."

"Calling me old and weak doesn't help your case, Jim," Bones glared. "And I said no. The answer will be 'no' no matter how many times you ask. And if you go to the hobgoblin and lie about it, I'm telling him why you are this annoying when it comes to Riley."

That silenced Jim instantly. He'd lost; Bones would do it if he kept pushing. That meant… Riley was going down with the rescue team whether he liked or not. Kevin looking excited and happy about it did nothing to improve his mood, but if he forbade Kevin to beam down, he would go to Spock and then Jim's authority would be overridden by the Captain.

And he had nothing else up his sleeve, Riley was efficient and, as Cravers said, he was even better than Edwards. They needed him. Jim then thought that even when he couldn't stop Riley from being on the rescue team, he could limit his actions; he was his superior, and Spock said he was in charge of the team. That would work in his favor.

* * *

When they beamed down, the Pegasus' Captain was already waiting for them, looking rather pale and scared. His First Officer didn't look any better. According to them, the problem was that they had blown up too many devices at the same time, which made the ground unstable and then the inner walls collapsed around the caves.

"Aren't you experts on this?" asked Jim with a frown. "You should have known that the ground was unsteady before you tried to blow up the walls."

"We didn't have enough data," said the First Officer. "We thought that they were safe. We even did the soil test and it came out okay, we didn't know."

"The mine's entrance got covered with rocks," added the Captain.

"The communicators were damaged, but we have every member's life signal, we don't have any casualties."

"So far." muttered Jim.

As usual, scientists forgot security measures; they thought that because they were on peaceful research missions they didn't need experts on Security. Jim hoped he could change that when he requested his promotion. And seeing how the Captain looked frankly inept, Jim knew he was getting the Pegasus without a problem.

"There's a small crack under this rock, Commander," Cravers said when Jim sent the team to explore the ground.

"We could make a small opening if we make the crack wider. We could use some explosives; the laser gun would take longer."

"That would be dangerous, Commander," intercepted the Pegasus' Captain. "We don't know how unstable the ground is, even the small explosion could cause another collapse and we would risk my crew."

Jim was about to tell this idiot that it was his fault that his crew was in danger in the first place when Spock spoke.

"I am afraid we do not have another choice, Captain Sullivan." Jim was surprised to hear the coldness in Spock's voice. "The rescue team cannot go into to the cave if they do not make another entrance. Do you suggest that my Security team start to dig and see if they can reach your crew in time? This is already a precarious situation, and I understand your frustration, although it was not our fault that you did not research the ground before you decided to detonate the devices. We shall do what we believe appropriate; after all, the Enterprise is in charge of this rescue."

Jim tried very had not to laugh. Spock was on a roll, first Gary and now Sullivan. Jim suspected that the Vulcan took a guilty pleasure from bitch-slapping any Captain that crossed his path.

The plan was simple. They would make a small entrance; Cravers, Jonnes, Benson, Riley and Jim were going in. Spock looked like he was thinking about volunteering himself when Jim told him that they needed him outside to help the members who were rescued to the medical campground that Bones had put together a few meters back. He also was his contact outside. It appeared that while whatever mineral they were looking for allowed the identification of life signals, but they couldn't beam out the crew. Perhaps Spock and Scotty could figure out a way to recalibrate the transporter so Scotty could beam out the crew. Until then, the mission was to find the crew and take them out. Uhura was checking the life signals. Twenty people were trapped; the goal was to get all of them out alive.

* * *

Spock was not nervous. He told himself that because it seemed that every time Commander Kirk was involved in a difficult mission, he got this small pang on his stomach. He was trying to work with Mister Scott, who was talking fast and trying to change the wiring in the communicator device to see if it blocked the effect of the minerals on the cave. Spock took note of the time as the rescue team entered the cave.

Half hour later Lieutenant Cravers was walking out slowly, carrying a badly injured woman. Spock helped her to the medical camp to let Cravers go back inside. On this kind of mission time was imperative. Spock wanted to go as well, as with his Vulcan resistance and strength he could be a major advantage to the team, but at this moment he was more useful helping Mister Scott, and Kirk would have quoted regulations against it if he suggested it. In this case the team did not need the Captain, and his task was to supervise the Security team. Going inside would have been detrimental to the parameters Starfleet had established for this particular mission and he wanted to show Kirk that he trusted him as well.

Seeing only Cravers, Jonnes and Benson coming out frequently made Spock question if he had made the right decision. Kirk had not come out once, and Cravers informed him that Kirk and Riley had gone further into the mine to get the last crewmember and ordered the rest of them to get back. It was a man who was trapped under a pile of rocks. Three hours had already passed, the more time elapsed the more difficult the rescue would become. The fact that Mister Kirk had dismissed the team made Spock wary.

When Spock and Mister Scott agreed on the new course of action, Mister Scott beamed up again and Spock tried the communicator, recalibrating the channel to contact Kirk.

"Commander Kirk, do you hear me?"

After a few minutes, Spock was about to try again when he heard some white noise from the communicator.

"Mister Kirk?" Spock repeated loudly, and he knew it was illogical. The volume of his voice had no effect on the success of the communication device.

"Captain." Spock heard Kirk coughing and he could have let out a sigh of relief. He would justify this later in a logical way, but right now he had more important things to be concerned about.

"Mister Kirk, where are you?"

"Wait, don't!" Kirk was clearly not talking to Spock. A loud crash echoed through the communicator and then white noise again.

* * *

Jim had a loud buzzing in his ears. He tried to get up, and everything in his body ached. Remembering what just happened, he felt the adrenaline flow through his body and stood up, wincing at the pain in his right leg. He blinked to clear his vision and walked towards where Riley was trying to help the trapped man. They had noticed how if they caused a small explosion at the base of the rock formation it could help make them smaller and easier to remove. Jim wasn't sure about this course of action, especially with Kevin being insubordinate and stubbornly staying when Jim ordered him to get out with the rest of the team, but they didn't have another choice.

Now Jim noticed that Kevin was lying down and the man whom they were supposed to rescue was unconscious, he cursed. It was a bad idea, and he could hear Spock saying so in his head.

"Kevin?" Jim got close to Kevin, trying not to move him.

"Jim… I mean, Commander," Kevin whispered, like it took an enormous effort just to talk.

"Screw formalities, Kevin, we're trapped here."

"Look familiar to you?" Kevin smiled weakly.

"We survived that; we'll survive this too, okay? Just stay with me, can you get up?" Jim was feeling anxious about this. They were far from the entrance and he had no way to communicate with Spock. Kevin tried to stand and failed; his legs weren't responding.

"Matthew?" Kevin asked.

Kevin and the trapped guy were chatting while Jim was setting the explosive device. He said his name was Matthew Green; he was an expert in stones and minerals and had been serving for ten years. Everything would have worked out nicely if Matthew hadn't gotten nervous and taken the detonator from Kevin's hand. It barely gave Jim time to jump and try to cover himself before the explosion.

"Let me check." Jim smiled reassuringly.

Jim got closer to the man, and saw that he wasn't breathing. He was dead. Jim also noticed how the explosion had caused more collapses, making it impossible to get out like he'd planned to. If he detonated another device, they could be buried entirely. He couldn't risk Kevin.

His only hope now was Spock and Scotty.

"He's dead, right?" Kevin asked.

No point in lying, he didn't do it when they were children, he wasn't starting now.

"Yes. But we aren't, and we're used to being trapped, right?" Jim felt like he was in a nightmare. This was like living Tarsus all over again. Alone, without anyone who could help them, Kevin depending on him and him being powerless. This wasn't the time to get negative. He could do it. He'd managed on Tarsus, he would manage here too.

"Right," said Kevin.

Jim decided to modify his communicator. It was jammed after the explosion, but if he could change the wires perhaps he could make contact with Spock.

"Jim, do you think we are going to die here?" Kevin asked. Jim thought he was scared, but he sounded calm and oddly resigned. This was familiar enough that Jim couldn't help but return to the memories from Tarsus again.

* * *

" _Jim, do you think we are going to die here?"_

" _No. We can't die; we have to see the world, Kevin."_

" _But you defied Kodos. He said he'll kill you."_

" _Yeah, he said you were dead and he was wrong. We can do this, Kevin."_

" _What for? I don't have a family. They're dead… and I want to be dead too, I want to be with them."_

" _Don't say that. Your mom gave everything so you could live."_

" _I'm alone. I'm all alone."_

" _You aren't alone. You have me, and my mom and brother will be happy to have you in our family."_

" _Promise Jim; promise you'll never leave me alone."_

" _Either we make it together or we die together, Kevin."_

* * *

And they made it together. Now it seemed they would die together as well.

* * *

Spock was at loss as to what happened last time he established contact with the Commander. According to Captain Sullivan, the ground shook in the cave, probably from an explosion. That much Spock had already figured out, what he did not know was the reason for the explosion whether the Commander and Mister Riley were all right. Only two persons were alive in the cave, and he was apprehensive that the Commander could be the one who had just died. No, it could not be, Kirk was smart and strong. Spock should have gone to the cave. He should have followed his instincts, illogical as they were.

When Spock and the rest of the team felt the ground under them shaking, he realized that the last movement had made everything unstable. The walls of the mine were falling and could bury the two people in there, killing them. They needed to act faster.

* * *

"And your first kiss?" Jim asked, mostly to keep Kevin conscious.

"When I was fifteen. When we were on Tarsus, I thought I was dying without my first kiss."

"I told you I could kiss you if you wanted," Jim smirked, tiredly. He was about to finish the device, but he knew the ground around them was about to collapse. If he didn't hurry, they would soon be dead.

"Yeah, you said," Kevin chuckled faintly. "I wasn't delirious enough back then. Why did you enlist, Jim? You hated Starfleet; I remember the fights with your mom about it."

"Honestly, I can't tell you why. Pike used my father to bait me, and it worked. I still don't know how."

"You're a hero, like him. You deserve to be in Starfleet."

"I'm not a hero, Kevin. I'm a screw up who got lucky."

"It's sad that you don't see the great things you've done. You saved me… you saved Earth… and you're fighting to save me again. You're my hero, Jim."

"Trust me Kevin, there are better role models for you than me," Jim tried to joke. He didn't want the conversation to get too personal.

"If I die, promise me you are going to fight and live, okay?"

"Stop it. I hate when you get all negative. We are both getting out together," Jim assured him, although he didn't believe it. They were dying there.

"Jim, I'm tired, and I'll lose consciousness soon. Leave me here and go, okay? Once I die, you can get the rest of the devices detonated and make your way out."

"First, I'm not leaving you. You disobeyed me when I ordered you out, now I'm staying. Second, we've only got two devices left, so it's not enough and it would make the walls collapse entirely. They're about to fall down anyway. You need to hold on a little bit, I'm about to finish this. Spock can get us out as soon as I make contact with him, you'll see."

"Captain Spock must be angry," Kevin said. "Mostly at you."

"He doesn't get angry, he's a Vulcan. He's probably already given us up for dead and started looking for the replacements," Jim joked, even though deep down he felt he was being entirely serious.

"You don't really believe that, right? Captain Spock cares about you a lot."

"Really? How do you know?"

"I just do. I can tell. He must be very worried about you."

"I think he's more worried for you, Kevin. Now don't get all corny with me, we are getting out, and you are going to get back to the Academy without any discussion and you are graduating with honors, is that understood?"

"Yes, Commander." Kevin smiled. "I'm glad I get to die with you by my side, Jim. I always felt that if I was dying, you would make the process fun."

"I live to serve," Jim spat "and stop being so melodramatic. Honestly, you're worse than Bones."

"You gave me a second chance, Jim, and I took advantage of that every moment I lived after Tarsus. Don't forget it."

Jim didn't answer. He had to make contact; he had to recalibrate the signal. They weren't dying there, Kevin deserved another chance. He was the only one who truly was worthy of it.

* * *

After five hours they still had not succeeded in locating the two people trapped in the mine. Spock, with the help of Mister Scott, had created an entire new communicator and started calibrating it to the Commander's channel.

Spock felt a jolt in his stomach when he heard something.

"Ca…in."

"Commander Kirk?" Spock would recognize Kirk's voice anywhere.

"…trapped."

"Commander, I cannot hear you clearly, please recalibrate the channel," Spock said, expecting Kirk to hear him.

"Do you copy me now?" Kirk said after two minutes.

"Yes Commander, maintain that channel." Spock asked for a second communicator in order to interact with Mister Scott. Spock heard a loud noise on Kirk's channel.

"Commander Kirk, are you well?" Spock asked, concerned.

"The walls are falling, we're about to get buried here, so if you can beam us out, this would be a good moment."

"Who is with you?"

"Riley, but he's injured badly, he lost consciousness, like, five minutes ago."

"Mister Scott," Spock said quickly "can you locate Commander Kirk's signal?"

"I got him!" Spock heard the man screaming. "I can beam him out if he doesn't move!"

Before Spock could make the order, Kirk changed the channel and Mister Scott lost the signal again.

"Mister Kirk? Do you hear me?"

"Yes, ask Scotty if he can beam us out now. I think I got the right coordinates."

"I can't, Captain, I only got the Commander's signal. Do I beam him out?"

"No! Wait, Spock!" Kirk shouted. "Please, give me five minutes, I can get the signal right, then we're both out. Please!"

"The walls are collapsing entirely, Captain Spock," Captain Sullivan said apprehensively. "He doesn't have five minutes."

"Please, Spock, trust me, I need five minutes, please!" Mister Kirk sounded desperate, and Spock hesitated for the first time about what he should do. The logical course of action would be to beam Mister Kirk out, but he was so convinced he could achieve his goal… Spock truly did not know what the right choice was.

"He'll die there, Captain, you have to beam him out," Cravers insisted.

"What do I do, Captain?" Mister Scott did not help either.

Hearing something collapse through the communicator, Spock made his decision.

"Beam out Commander Kirk immediately, Mister Scott."

"No, Spock, wait!"

"Now, Mister Scott."

"Yes, Captain."

They waited a few moments that felt were like hours to Spock. He did not understood the concept of relief until he saw the Commander appear in front of them, severely injured, but alive. He was holding his communicator tightly and looked shocked.

Then Spock felt something in his stomach twisting. Almost like he knew everything would change irremediably. They noticed the ground shaking for the last time.

"No life signals from the mine, Captain," reported Lieutenant Uhura.

They all knew what that meant. Mister Riley was dead. It was the first time since Spock was made Captain that he lost a member of the crew. It was painful enough without seeing the sadness that crossed Mister Kirk's features. He looked devastated; it almost broke Spock entirely, but then he remembered that he needed to maintain his composure. Why he was so affected by this event was something he would need to consider in the future, right now he had a mission to complete.

The Commander clenched his fists and Spock knew he was angry. He was preparing himself for the Commander to start shouting. He would probably insult Spock too, reminding him of painful things from his past, like his mother. He was ready. This time he would not lose control. This time he would be strong and let Kirk grieve in his own way, no matter how illogical it may be. He knew Kirk cared deeply for Mister Riley, he was probably blaming him for his death, and Spock could handle it. Once Kirk unloaded all his emotions, he would feel better and he would understand that the decision Spock had made was correct.

Kirk only looked at him with a coldness Spock did not know he could posses.

"I request permission to go to Sickbay, Captain," Kirk said in a tight voice.

"Commander Kirk, if you feel the necessity of grieving –"

"Rule ten, subsection four, paragraph two establishes that any member of the crew who needs medical attention is entitled to get it when he or she requests it. May I go to Sickbay, Captain?"

Even when the words were polite, Kirk's voice was distant, like a strong wall had formed between them in the moment Spock ordered Mister Scott to beam the Commander out.

Spock only nodded, since the words would not come out of his mouth. He was not used to feeling this kind of sadness; it felt almost like he had lost something important. When his mother died, there was a void in Spock. He knew he had to live with it, however, and when he embarked on the five year mission, he thought that this could somehow compensate for the emptiness. As he became close to the Commander, Spock felt the void changing. It was there, and it probably would be there always, but it felt less oppressing, and he was once again able to enjoy small things like games of chess or discussions about cultural differences with Kirk.

When he saw Kirk limping away, refusing to let anyone to help him, Spock knew everything would be different now. He noticed Doctor McCoy heading towards Mister Kirk and hugging him tightly. As McCoy spoke into his communicator, Spock saw that the Commander was crying. He felt the small pang in his stomach again, and when they disappeared, Spock knew for sure.

Their forming friendship was at risk because Spock had made the right decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Action sequences aren’t my thing (as you could see), so I apologize for any inconsistencies, I tried very hard that they were minimal. I hope you still enjoyed this chapter, and thank you all for reading. Thank you to Anbessette for betaing this story.


	10. Chapter 3D: Memento homo, quia pulvis es, et in pulverem reverteris

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Jim… how much do you remember?" Bones looked extremely compassionate, this wasn't good.
> 
> "Where's Kevin, Bones?"
> 
> "Jim, don't move, you are still recovering. You lost blood and you leg was injured badly. You were close enough to losing it and you have to…"
> 
> "He's dead, isn't he?" Jim couldn't take more evasiveness.

Jim was dreaming. He must be, he often had nightmares that felt too real, but eventually he woke up and realized that it wasn't true. He was dreaming, and taking longer than usual to wake up.

"Jim, come on, lie down." He felt a gentle pressure on his shoulders.

"Doctor, the OR is ready."

"Thank you Chapel, tell M'Benga to beam down again, I don't want the camp neglected."

He needed to wake up, the longer he dreamed, the longer he would feel this miserable. His tears felt cold on his cheeks and this was the first time he'd felt like this in a dream. He cried and yelled, but he never felt the wetness of tears or the strain in his throat from forcing his voice. This dream was different and he didn't like it. He tried to move, but he felt restrains on his wrists; people were murmuring around him, like he wasn't even there. He couldn't find his voice to shout, to plead for everyone to stop and let him wake up. Eventually voices stopped and the lights faded, he felt like he was falling into darkness. He also felt he would never get out of there again. He was trapped.

* * *

He heard someone calling him. He didn't know how much time had passed since his last memory… what was his last memory? The Enterprise, there was a mission… images passed quickly in Jim's head until he heard his name again. He blinked, adjusting his vision to his surroundings. His leg hurt like hell.

"Jim, can you hear me?" He saw someone leaning down.

"Bones?"

"Yes, thank God you're awake. I was getting worried here. If Spock comes in one more time asking me how you're doing I'm killing him."

Spock? Why would Spock want to know how he was doing? Why was he in Sickbay? Why did Bones look like he hadn't slept in a month? He tried to remember… a mission, people buried… then he remembered. _No life signals from the mine, Captain_ , Uhura's voice echoed in his head. No life signals, he was with Kevin, he was beamed out of there when he was about to get both of them out. All these memories came back in a rush, making Jim feel lightheaded. He had to ask. He had to ask even though he knew the answer because there was a small chance of that being a dream. Perhaps he passed out right before the rescue and his imagination filled out the rest. Perhaps everyone was safe and alive and his mind was playing tricks on him. He wished with all his heart that everything he remembered was wrong. Please, let it be wrong.

"Kevin?" was the first thing he asked, wishing that Bones could say he was fine. He had to be fine.

"Jim… how much do you remember?" Bones looked extremely compassionate, this wasn't good.

"Where's Kevin, Bones?"

"Jim, don't move, you are still recovering. You lost blood and you leg was injured badly. You were close enough to losing it and you have to…"

"He's dead, isn't he?" Jim couldn't take more evasiveness.

"It was a hard mission Jim, you did everything you could but unfortunately…"

Jim stopped listening. He'd broken his promise. He said that he and Kevin would either live together, or die together. Now he was alive and Kevin had died. It should have been the other way around. If someone had to die, it should have been him. It should have been him, it should have been him… no matter how many times he repeated this in his head, it didn't change the fact that he'd broken his promise. Kevin had died alone, he didn't deserve that. How Jim could have been that stupid? He should have stopped Kevin from beaming down, he should have opposed Spock, he should have banned Kevin from being anywhere near the disaster. He was angry at Mitchell because he knew Kevin would be at risk and he put him on the Enterprise anyway. He was angry at Bones because he could have requested Kevin and he would have been safe. He was angry at Spock because he didn't trust him enough to get them out. Mostly he was angry at himself, because he'd allowed this. He let Kevin die, and that was something he would never forgive himself for.

Bones was smart enough to prohibit visitors for Jim. His friend, although was nervous and apprehensive around him, respected his desire for solitude for the moment. After all, he was recovering, he needed time. Jim cynically wondered if this was what his mother felt when she lost his father. Jim never had been affected by death so deeply. His father died, but he didn't know him. People on Tarsus died, but he saved the ones who were important to him. Perhaps this hurt so much because he tried so hard to prevent it. He did everything on Tarsus, and he managed. How could he have failed on this stupid mission? It was ironic. Jim could have laughed if he wasn't feeling so bitter.

He had time to think over and over again what he was supposed to do now. Kevin died; he couldn't revive him or do anything for him. When he was five, he asked his mother if she had been sad when his dad died. She told him that she was devastated, but when people died, those who were alive must move on and continue with their lives, even when they feel they couldn't. He was supposed to move on as well. He had to continue with his life like nothing had happened. That somehow felt fake and stupid, and Jim didn't want to do it.

But he had to, otherwise he would drown in his sorrow.

"Okay Jim, it's been two weeks now. Your leg will need time, but you are ready to be discharged." Bones kept poking his leg.

"Don't you think I need a shrink?" he blurted out, because he feared that Bones would send him to one like they did when he was rescued from Tarsus.

"Why? Do you think you need one?" Bones frowned, looking him carefully.

"I thought it was standard after a traumatic event. Since Spock is so fond of rules and protocols, I thought he finally found the loop-hole that would get me out of here."

"It's standard if it interferes with your job. And Spock wouldn't do that, he's been asking for you almost every day." Bones scowled, probably because he knew Jim said it with certain resentment. He couldn't help him, he was still mad. He probably would be for a long time.

"How kind of him."

"Jim, I know it's hard."

"You don't know anything. Don't try to pretend you understand, because you don't, you can imagine it, but let me tell you that living it is ten times worse, and people being condescending doesn't help."

Bones nodded, and kept writing in his PADD. He probably was thinking of the best way to cheer Jim up, like there was a magic recipe for people who were mourning to suddenly feel better. Bones didn't know him.

"You're still on leave tomorrow, and I stopped your medication three days ago. After my shift I'll bring Andorian wine to your room."

Maybe he did know him after all.

* * *

If the Chief Medical Officer believed that one of the crew members needed a certain amount of time to recover, there was nothing that Spock could do to intervene. However, not allowing visitors to patients was something Spock did not understand. He thought that humans recovered faster when they were accompanied by people who cared about them. At first Spock imagined that Doctor McCoy had banned him specifically from Sickbay, given that Commander Kirk was probably angry at him. Then he noticed that Mister Chekov had not seen the Commander either, and Mister Sulu was in the same predicament. Apparently the doctor thought best to isolate the Commander from everyone else.

"I'm sure Kirk is fine, Spock."

He turned around, seeing Nyota enter the Observation deck. He often visited it when he needed to think and decide on his course of action.

"Doctor McCoy was positive in his briefing."

"You call that a briefing? Him telling you to stop nagging and that Kirk is alive barely qualifies." Nyota smiled.

"The doctor could be more specific," Spock agreed. McCoy was vague when he was tired. And he had been with Mister Kirk since he beamed up two weeks ago. If he was the one injured, he wondered, would anyone be by his side as faithfully as McCoy stood next to Kirk?

Perhaps only Nyota. That Kirk was not receiving visitors did not mean that he was not cared for. The crew was eager to see him; that would probably not be the case if he was the one lying down, injured. He liked to think that Kirk would be there too, but he was not sure about that after the events that had unfolded on the planet.

He would probably be alone.

"He'll understand," Nyota said. "He won't hate you, he'll understand."

Spock wanted to say that it hardly mattered if Kirk hated him. That was not important and if the Commander was efficient, Spock should not care what his personal feelings were. If Kirk was competent though he had negative feelings for Spock, it was not relevant. Nevertheless, Spock could not say it because somehow it did matter and it was relevant. Deep down it was important to him, he did not want the Commander to resent him.

He did not want the Commander to hate him, even though Spock himself did not even entirely understand that sentiment.

* * *

Since he knew Mister Kirk was being discharged today, he excused himself from Nyota and decided to visit the medical ward and see how the Commander was doing. Two weeks seemed like a small amount of time for Kirk to be able to cope with the death of Mister Riley; still, Spock hoped (as illogical as it was) that the Commander was more himself than he had been the last time he saw him. Spock did not like the coldness that he had seen in Kirk's eyes, and it caused him discomfort though he did not know the reason.

As he entered the sickbay, Spock noticed Doctor McCoy directing orders to Nurse Chapel. Spock was aware of the Commander's absence, given that the curtain which had concealed the bed in which he resided was open and the bed was empty.

"Doctor McCoy," Spock said. "You discharged the Commander?"

"Do you see him here?" McCoy spat. "Unless he's invisible all of a sudden, of course I discharged him."

Spock was taken aback by McCoy's rudeness. The doctor was right, if Spock did not see the Commander in Sickbay it was somewhat logical to presume he had been discharged. Furthermore the doctor was probably tired because he had spent the last two point one weeks guarding Mister Kirk; Spock must understand the different needs humans had. Still, he did not like that particular tone of voice, and when McCoy was well rested he would suggest better control under stressful situations.

"I'm sorry," McCoy sighed. "Yes, he was discharged. He'll be on bed rest for two more days and then he's clear to report to the Bridge."

"Would it not be best for the Commander to spend that time in the medical ward?"

"He doesn't like Sickbay, and he needs privacy to deal with… certain things."

Spock noted that Doctor McCoy had not said anything about Mister Riley's death; perhaps this human was vulnerable to the memory of that event and wanted to avoid naming it at all cost. Spock was familiar with that, when he was in the Academy he had known humans who avoided talking about the natural event of death. Even Spock, with his Vulcan training, had a hard time accepting the death of his mother. It was not an approachable subject for anyone.

"I suggest avoiding him until he shows up for his next shift," McCoy added. "He's still a little bit… bitter."

Understandable. Mister Kirk was probably unconscious for most of his stay on Sickbay and now he had to confront reality. Since the presence of the Commander was not essential at the moment, Spock thought it best to just follow Doctor McCoy's suggestion and wait. He did not like it, as it felt somehow detrimental to their gained trust and working relationship, however in this case Doctor McCoy was the expert.

Still, it felt wrong.

* * *

Jim hadn't gotten this drunk since he was eighteen. He just wanted to forget everything, to stop feeling sadness and resentment; alcohol made that possible. He wanted to forget, and he couldn't do it. Even when he could barely stand and everything seemed blurry, he couldn't get what had happened out of his mind, how he'd failed and would probably be better off dead. Bones kept saying it wasn't his fault and that he did everything he could. Truth was that if Kevin hadn't met him, he would probably be alive right now. People around him kept dying, maybe he was cursed. He should stay away from Bones, he could be next.

"I'll take my chances," he heard Bones saying while he was trying to put him to bed. "You aren't cursed, okay?"

"How do you know?" Jim slurred, barely making any sense.

"I just know."

"I'll end up alone, Bones. If people don't die around me, then they just leave. I don't want you to die… just leave."

"I'm not dying or leaving," Bones sighed. "You'll be fine, kid. You'll be fine."

The last thing Jim remembered before passing out was Bones hugging him before he put him to bed gently. He wouldn't be fine. Things could never be fine now.

* * *

When he opened his eyes, Jim felt like his head would explode at any moment. He felt this annoying pounding in his sides and he moaned in pain, trying to bury his head in the pillow and see if that helped a little. It didn't. Trying to drown your neurons in alcohol was less painful and more effective when he was younger. Now he had a horrible hangover and he still remembered everything. He still felt everything.

"I see you're up." Bones entered the room and Jim had never been so happy to see his friend with a hypospray.

"Did I hit you?" Jim felt a small pang in his right hand.

"No, you hit the wall. Spock is probably making you fix it."

Jim glanced to his right, noticing a fracture in the wall. That was a good blow, if he wasn't feeling like shit he would probably appreciate it better.

"You didn't break anything in your hand, if you're interested," Bones spat. "Are you done with the tantrums?"

"I think so," he said, not entirely convinced. "Sorry."

Bones didn't say anything; he just injected him in the neck, and looked at him with compassion. Jim hated that look, everyone saw him like that when they learned he was George Kirk's son or that he survived Tarsus.

"Tomorrow you are back on schedule, Jim." Bones sat next to him.

"Yeah, I know."

"You think you're ready for that?"

"I won't quit just because Kevin died, Bones. I'm not that messed up, okay? I won't break."

"You breaking isn't my concern, Jim. You're still upset, and nothing good comes out when you have all that anger boiling up."

"It's not a big deal. I have to move on, right? He died, I live, life's a bitch."

"Jim –"

"I'm fine, stop being all edgy. I'll be obedient and submissive until I request my promotion."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"That's what you are afraid of, aren't you? Me being all loud and insubordinate with Spock, acting like I don't give a shit. I won't, I'll be the exact opposite. Kevin wouldn't have liked it if I start acting out like when we were children."

Bones frowned, and Jim could see how his friend was debating whether this was a good thing or not.

"Not that I'm complaining, but, don't you think you're exaggerating? It's good you won't be baiting Spock and all, but you sound like you'll stop being yourself and turn into an obedient dog."

"That's what everyone wants. The Admirals, Spock… even you. Then that's what you'll get. I'll be the best lap dog Starfleet had ever had."

Before Bones could start ranting about how he was an idiot for doing things this extreme, he stood up and went into the bathroom, closing the door. He sighed, leaning back on it and closing his eyes, when he heard a small noise in front of him. Blinking quickly, he noticed that Spock was standing in front of the sink, looking completely put out by Jim's presence. Damn shared bathrooms. This was going to be incredibly uncomfortable for the next five months.

"Captain," he said, trying to sound as emotionless as he was pretending to be.

"Commander Kirk. How are you feeling?"

"I'm better, I'll report to Gamma shift tomorrow, sir."

"You can take as much time as you consider necessary for your successful recovery, Commander."

Bones being all worried about him was one thing, but Spock shouldn't be, and it bothered him that the Vulcan pretended to care about how was he.

"That won't be necessary sir. I'm sorry; I didn't know you were in here. I'll come back later."

"I was just leaving." Spock kept looking at him like he was searching for something. "I am pleased that you are adequately recovered, Commander."

Was that sarcasm? Somehow it felt like sarcasm.

"Thank you for your concern, Captain," he said in his best polite voice.

As Spock was leaving the bathroom, Jim tried to subdue the twinge of regret he felt at acting this way. He tried to believe that he was capable, that everyone saw his value, when in reality he was useless and everyone thought they needed to keep babysitting him. He would be a good dog then, until he could get his own ship and do things his way, alone. Gary was right, you couldn't trust anyone.

* * *

Commander Kirk was acting odd. Spock thought that perhaps it was because he was still recovering, and medication sometimes had unusual effects on humans. He did his job, and answered every query or comment directed at him, but something was amiss. Usually Kirk and Spock shared dinner after Beta shift; now Kirk was sitting alone, and Spock felt he would not be welcomed if he asked the Commander if he could sit with him. It was disconcerting, he was wary of approaching Mister Kirk, almost like he would feel in front of an untrained sehlat.

It had been three days since the Commander returned to his job, and Spock was reluctant to admit he was worried about the behavior Kirk was showing. He was distant and cold, he barely smiled and if he did so it was with cynicism. Of course he must be still mourning, but Spock was getting the impression that the Commander was closing up to everyone around him.

He decided to invite Kirk to play chess and see if he could discuss some of his concerns with the man in question.

"Mister Kirk, I was wondering if you are amenable to a game of chess?"

Kirk glanced at Spock, barely making eye contact.

"I'm sorry, Captain, I can't."

Since Kirk did not give any other date to reschedule, Spock thought it would be prudent for him to suggest it.

"When will you be able? I find our encounters entertaining and fascinating." Spock knew it was petty to use flattering to make the Commander concede; nevertheless, he wanted to make sure that Kirk was not avoiding him. That was the conclusion Spock had reached when Kirk kept eating by himself and stopped inviting Spock to other activities like training or poker night.

"I don't think I'll be able soon, Captain. Maybe you can ask Uhura, I'm sure she would be delighted to _play_ _chess_ with you."

Completely stunned, Spock watched as Kirk got out of the lift without looking back. Kirk was not rude or impertinent. However, something in his voice made Spock incredibly uncomfortable, and he felt like he had just been hit. At least Spock proved his point, Kirk was clearly avoiding him, and he needed to talk to him before it affected their command.

Taking a deep breath, Spock entered the Sickbay. He knew that only McCoy could help him with this particular dilemma, though he was not happy about it. McCoy was in his office, growling about charts. This was not going to end well, but he was already there, he might as well just ask McCoy and see what happened.

"Doctor McCoy," Spock said, entering McCoy's office.

"Captain." McCoy did not even bother in making eye contact.

"May I discuss something with you?"

At that McCoy looked at him with an eyebrow lift, and gestured for Spock to sit down in front of him. He did, and took another breath. He knew he had to extensively meditate on why the Commander caused such reactions in Spock, but the most pressing matter at the moment was discovering what was wrong with Kirk.

"Commander Kirk is acting odd."

McCoy waited, like he was expecting Spock to elaborate. He did not know how he could be more specific, his statement was clear enough for even humans to understand it.

"Define 'odd'," McCoy said, and Spock had the impression that the doctor was baiting him.

"Since you seem to have problems with the definition of 'odd' I shall rephrase my statement. He is acting unusual, out of the ordinary, atypical, uncommon –"

"All right, I get it. No need to throw all the synonyms at me. He's acting _odd._ " Spock noticed the sarcastic tone this time. "What about it?"

"I was wondering if you could explain if this is normal behavior when a human loses a friend, as it seemed Mister Kirk was friend of Mister Riley."

"Tell me something, Captain, did it affect you losing Riley down there?"

Spock lifted an eyebrow. That was an unexpected question and he was not sure of the correct answer. Logically, it did affect him. Mister Riley was barely experienced and yet he had faced a difficult mission that cost him his life. Spock had not lost a single crew member under his command until now, and even though he had known it would happen eventually, it was still a distressing thing to face, knowing that you were responsible for that life. Nonetheless, Spock was reluctant to admit that a small part of him was thankful that Mister Riley's was the life sacrificed on this mission; as appalling as that thought was, he was relieved because it was not Mister Kirk who was deceased. Spock was aware of the implications; putting one life over another was undue and selfish, but when he saw the Commander alive, he did not care in that moment. He tried to explain this reaction with reasonable arguments. Mister Riley was a cadet and Kirk was a Commander, therefore Kirk was more important to the Enterprise. Of course he lamented the death of Mister Riley, he was a bright cadet who could have had a great career in Starfleet; but these were the negative aspects of the post, you were at risk during the time you served. And for that matter, you could die falling on the stairway and hitting your head, you were always in a certain amount of danger; being in Starfleet only increased those possibilities.

The answer was that he would be more affected if he had lost Mister Kirk. Somehow it seemed wrong to voice this conclusion, so Spock only tilted his head.

"Well, imagine how it affected Jim." Apparently the doctor took his silence as an affirmative answer to his query. "They were good friends, and they shared a special bond. Jim is coping; he just sucks at it."

"Is there something I can do to hasten the process?"

"No. He's a stubborn son of a bitch, let me tell you. Just don't piss him off and you'll be fine."

He disliked making inquiries of McCoy because he often used offensive words and barely made sense. Spock concluded that giving the Commander space would be the best course of action until he returned to his outspoken personality.

* * *

Spock thought that it would help Kirk cope if he handled all the details of the last mission. After all, it could be detrimental if Spock asked the Commander to write a report of certain events and Spock could manage the paperwork. Even Admiral Pike approved this course of action, deciding that Spock's briefing was enough and they did not need the Commander's version. Pike looked remorseful about the mission, and he said nice words about Mister Riley. Apparently another two cadets had passed away on difficult missions, and the Admiralty was reconsidering the Internship program. The Admiral kept saying that Spock did a good job and made the right decision. Although when he saw Mister Kirk barely speaking with anyone off shift and avoiding him, Spock questioned whether it was the right decision.

Even though others found Vulcans cold and unnerving, Spock was grateful for his heritage. It allowed him to better control his emotions and he did not make conclusions without knowing the facts. Humans were the opposite, and Spock was confident that he was making a good effort to understand that. Still, there were things that tested his Vulcan control and his patience, one of them being James Kirk. Another two days passed and the Commander had not improved his attitude yet. Even Mister Chekov, who admired the Commander, felt disappointed at seeing this new side of Kirk. The crew started avoiding Kirk and Spock could not blame them. Kirk was not offensive, he was just… distant.

Spock decided to take action about this new development when he read the new proposal Mister Kirk handed him. He searched for the Commander, finding him in the Conference room, apparently having a discussion with Mister Sulu.

"It affected us all, Commander. I was friends with Riley, we shared a few classes."

"Good for you, Sulu."

"You know? I thought you were different. You are acting more like the jerk I heard about back in the Academy."

"Well, maybe now you will see that rumors are sometimes true. Are we done here?"

"I assume you didn't hear me, right?" Mister Sulu glared at Mister Kirk.

"Oh, no, I heard you. I just don't care."

"You know what? Fuck you!" Mister Sulu turned around and as he noticed Spock, he blushed. "Captain, I'm sorry, I didn't know you were there."

"Mister Sulu, may I have a moment in private with the Commander?"

"Certainly, sir. Excuse me."

Mister Sulu bolted from the room, probably still ashamed about his actions. Spock understood why he was agitated; still, he had been rude to a superior officer. This time, Spock would let it pass. It was not undeserved, after all.

"Yes, Captain, what do you need?" The words were polite, but the tone was cold.

"Commander, I received your proposal. I thought we already discussed this point."

"Well, I thought it was time for a change."

"We are the command team, we need to share responsibilities."

"Are we? I thought I was just your pet."

"Excuse me?" Spock could not suppress his surprise.

"Your pet. I follow you around, I obey, I don't piss on the carpet… all the basics."

"Commander, I am afraid we do not understand each other. I thought I made your involvement in the command clear."

"Yeah, I thought that too, and then I realized that's only when it suits you. But whatever, you are the boss, Captain. You aren't approving the proposal, then?"

Spock clasped his hands behind his back. Kirk was getting incredibly infuriating and he was trying to control his urge to shake him so he would listen instead of jumping to erroneous conclusions. Kirk was not amenable to listening and Spock could hardly force him. Although he could make it an order, that would not go well.

"Indeed, I am not," he answered, seeing that Kirk was not backing down.

"Go figure. And I'm supposed to be part of the command, right?" Kirk said, and smiled cynically. Spock felt uncomfortable.

"That had nothing to do with your authority. This change has no benefit and will bring no improvement, therefore it is not necessary. Moreover, I would like to approach this new behavior you are presenting. It could lead to setbacks in the future and it could be dangerous as well."

"Have I disobeyed any orders you gave me?" Kirk crossed his arms, defiant.

"No, however –"

"Have I been neglecting my work in any way?"

"No, I believe –"

"Then if you don't like my _attitude_ , Captain, please file a formal complaint. I've been efficient and I'm capable of doing my job, I don't see how it affects anyone else if I want to be bitter. They should mind their own business. It's not like I'm staying on the Enterprise anyway, so if you can all endure five more months with me then we all win."

"I believe I do not understand, Mister Kirk," Spock said, though he had the strange feeling that he would not like the explanation at all.

"I'm asking for a promotion when the Pegasus' mission ends. I'm pretty sure I earned the damn Captaincy, and you can get rid of me without so much fuss. But if you want me out of here because of my _attitude_ , fine by me, I'm sure Mitchell will be happy to accept me on his ship. A transfer won't look good on our records, you because it would seem like you can't maintain a First Officer and me because I can't work with a superior officer. If you can ignore me for the rest of the time I stay here, we both can win and we'll get what we want eventually. I get my ship, you get another First Officer. Still, if you want to transfer me, send me the paperwork."

Kirk did not give Spock time to react; he left the room quickly without looking back. Spock had clearly heard everything he said and yet he had a hard time believing it. He felt like he was unable to move from the shock, which was an incredibly human feeling but this time he did not care. The Commander was planning on leaving, and of course Spock should have seen this. Kirk had wanted the Captaincy since the beginning. It was naïve to think that Spock could make him stay if he made the Enterprise a second home for Kirk.

Spock was a resourceful individual, but this time he was at loss for what to do next. Logically, he should transfer the Commander, as he had hinted that he was not comfortable on the Enterprise and would prefer to be on Mitchell's ship. However he did not want to, and he would not do it, even when it appeared to be the best option. Spock did not give up when he faced obstacles. He was not beginning now.

Nevertheless, this obstacle could be the one Spock could not surpass.

* * *

Jim knew he was way out of line with Spock. The guy just kept bringing out the worst in him, maybe he was still angry at him because he gave the order and didn't trust him to do things his way. But spilling his plans was the dumbest thing Jim could have done, and this time he agreed with Bones. He was an idiot.

Great, just what he needed right now. Nyota Uhura walking towards him with her glare of 'you're stupid and I'll make you pay for making my boyfriend angry'. Jim considered just turning around and going in the opposite direction, but knowing Uhura, she would probably follow him. It was best to end this now instead of prolonging it.

"What can I do for you, Lieutenant?" Jim asked, since the woman was blocking his way.

"You are a complete asshole, Kirk, did you know that?"

"Yeah, I've been told that I am lately. How is that any of your business?"

"It's my business because you are making everyone miserable! For some reason that I still don't understand, everyone likes you. They are worried and sad because you keep being a jerk and don't even care."

"I didn't ask for them to like me, that's not my problem. They should be smart and stay away from me."

"What's your problem? I know you were Riley's friend, and we all feel sad and we regret his death, you don't see us acting like children. He deserved better, Kirk."

Jim felt like he had just been slapped. He hated this, everyone talking like they knew Riley, like they understood what had happened.

"Mind your own business, Uhura," he spat.

"I would if you weren't affecting everyone around you, especially Spock. I don't know what you told him, but he's really upset."

"He is? How come? He's Vulcan, he can't be upset. And I don't think he needs your protection; Spock doesn't give a shit about me, in fact I think he would have been happier if I was the one dead, too bad his plan failed. Please, tell him not to worry, I'm sure he will have plenty of opportunities to finally get rid of me. You can help him."

This time the sting Jim felt in his left cheek indicated that Uhura really had slapped him with all her strength. She turned her back on him, walking away in a fury. He barely registered what happened, since Uhura's words echoed in his head. Spock couldn't be upset, he had no reason to be angry, and mostly he should just be grateful that Jim was acting all professional instead of making things even worse. Because he could, he just didn't want to.

_He deserved better_ … Jim walked through the corridors, without really having a destination in mind. He just wanted to disappear. He was tired, and angry, and this was too much.

He entered the Botany lab, sighing. It was deserted, like Sulu had said it would be right before he told Jim to fuck off. He hadn't heard Sulu swear before, it was a first. He sat next to the plant he and Sulu had 'adopted', noticing its small flowers. It would be easier to be a plant, it meant less trouble. Why couldn't he be a plant, or a tree, or even a stupid dog instead of this problematic and useless person? He knew his thoughts barely made sense, but let's face it, Jim's thinking processes stopped making sense after Kevin's death.

"Sulu said you were sad because I haven't talked to you." Jim started speaking, feeling stupid. "I'm just going through a weird phase, it'll pass."

He looked at the plant, like he was expecting it to answer. That was even stupider. Jim shook his head. This whole mess was having weird effects on him.

"I'll talk and you'll listen because you're a plant, you can't talk or move or do anything. Sorry, that was mean, I guess you should feel privileged; it seems that I'm treating everyone I care about like trash lately. That includes you, by the way. You see, you're a plant, you can't imagine the pressure on your shoulders when people depend on you. Since I was a kid, everyone said that my father was a hero. My mother kept talking about him like he was alive, my brother hated it and I was the one stuck in the middle. I'm always the one stuck in the middle, not being able to do things my way but being responsible for it when things fail. And that sucks, let me tell you. The worst thing is that I know I'm being a jerk; I know I'm pushing people away, I know I'm making everyone hate me. But it's better to be alone than to get hurt when they leave, right? If you get attached to people, they'll leave eventually, it'll break you and you'll be left in pieces. Imagine someone taking your flowers and ripping them apart. That would suck, right? Well, for a human, it hurts, like, ten times more. Kevin didn't deserve to die, and Spock had no right to make that decision. He should have left us there, or he should have rescued us both. Or he should have rescued Kevin. He had no right, and Kevin had no right to die. I'm angry at them both, but Kevin is dead, so I guess I forgive him. I broke my promise, and I have all these feelings and I don't know what to do with them. I vent, I get drunk, I punch things, I'm treating everyone like shit, and I still feel everything. Nothing helps me and I think that sucks. I just want to stop feeling like a failure. I just want –"

He hadn't cried since he was a child. He remembered that he'd cried when they beamed back after the mission, but it was blurry and besides it could be because he was trapped underground for almost six hours. Now, however, he had no excuse, except that he needed to cry. Tears kept falling down his cheeks and, repressing the urge to wipe them away and try to control it, Jim just kept crying. When he was angry, fighting always relieved his feelings and left him feeling a lot better. He didn't realize that crying had the same effect when you felt sad. Tears meant weakness to him, because you couldn't cry when you were having a hard time, you needed to act and fix things and not waste time on stupid sentimentalism.

It seemed that sometimes you needed to waste time on stupid sentimentalism after all.

* * *

Jim didn't know how long he had been crying, but eventually the tears stopped and he felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest. He sighed. He'd tried to be strong and move on, but the truth was that he couldn't move on because he didn't even say goodbye to Kevin. He didn't have the chance to let him go, just like with his father. He hated how everything came down to his dad and his death. Whether he liked or not, that particular event had changed him, changed his fate and his life. Maybe that was why the other Jim Kirk was such a perfect Captain. That was probably how his life could have been if Nero hadn't been a resentful son of a bitch and altered their lives.

_You can't compare your life to his_. He wouldn't need to if his life didn't suck this much right now. One thing was true, though: he could have handled this better.

"You're a great listener," Jim said to the plant, touching a small blossom. "You could be an excellent shrink. You helped me more than those know-it-alls who talked to me after Tarsus. They kept pushing me to speak, you know? To _share my feelings_ when I just wanted to forget. I don't react very well when people push me. Sulu said that you're developing awesomely; Spock would probably be lifting an eyebrow right now if he could hear me. What do you think, Lilly? Should I stop being a jerk and start acting like an adult again?"

The weird thing wasn't that Jim was asking a plant for its opinion, but that he actually interpreted the tiny blossom that started growing next to the one he was holding as an answer. Well, he'd done weirder things than listen to a plant. For the first time since he returned to the Enterprise after what had happened, Jim smiled sincerely. It felt good. Like a relief,

He stood up, petting the blossom one last time before getting out of there. He'd probably spent almost three hours there, good thing Sulu said the Botanic lab would be empty all night. When he arrived at his room, Bones was standing there, like he was expecting him.

"What's up?" Jim said casually.

"I'll tell you 'what's up'. Me waiting for you for two hours, where the hell have you been?" Bones glared.

"I was with Lilly." He should probably sound less proud.

"Right. Fine, don't tell me, I don't care. We need to talk."

No surprise that Bones didn't believe him. Jim had spent the last week alienating people, why would he want to be with a plant for hours? He was starting to understand the complexity of his relationship with his so called daughter. Sulu wasn't that nuts after all.

When they entered his room, Jim sat on the bed, expecting McCoy to start yelling. Bones just sat down next to him and put his hand gently on Jim's cheek.

"Jim, I'm worried about you," he said in a completely serious tone. "You told Spock about going away and he's freaking out. Sulu said you hurt his feelings and Chekov's pouting has reached unbearable levels; Scotty has a bunch of garlic on his console 'just in case' and Uhura said she bitch-slapped you. Honestly, I can't believe I missed all those things. What's happening, kid? I thought you said you were done acting out."

"I'm sorry." He honestly was sorry.

"Yeah, that doesn't quite cut it. It's about Riley?"

"I don't deal well with losses, Bones. I don't like forming attachments because then when I lose them it hurts, you know that. And I realized I'm becoming really close with all the crew, and I don't want to lose them like I lost Riley. If I push them away, it'll be easier."

Bones looked like he understood what Jim said, and smiled sympathetically. Then he slapped Jim on the back of his head. Really hard.

"Ouch! Hey! That hurt, you asshole!"

"Good. Because you're a moron. You don't push the people you love and care about away, stupid. If you want to be a high school girl over this, fine, but don't forget that we care about you too, I'm still not sure why. You don't get to be selfish and only think about you when others are involved. Did you stop to think about how much it would hurt us seeing you like that?"

"I was just –"

"No, of course not. You never stop to think about the consequences of your actions. Guess what? We feel bad too when you start treating us like trash. Did you honestly believe we'd just leave you?"

"Well, I thought that –"

"You should know better, you don't leave the people you love, what kind of idiot does that? It was a rhetorical question, I know you are that kind of idiot, you always complained about how people judged your mother because they thought she abandoned you after what happened to your father, and now you do the same?"

"Um, when you put it like that –"

"You're loved, Jim, people care if you die, if you're suffering, if you're happy… we care. Stop being selfish, you don't get to only think about yourself now. Not anymore."

Jim shut his mouth since Bones kept interrupting him anyway and considered his friend's words. He thought he was making the best choice, and had never stopped to think about whether it would affect the others. He'd just assumed that they would move on to other things and accept that Jim was a jerk who wasn't worth their time.

And that was the point right there. Jim didn't think he was worth their time, but they did think so. They appreciated him and tolerated him and even cared about him. Jim always thought that everyone else was more important than he was. He didn't expect other people to put him first as well.

He _was_ an idiot.

"Are you even listening to me, you ass?" Bones clapped Jim's shoulder to get his attention.

"Yeah, I heard you." Well, at least he'd heard half of what he said, that counted for something.

"Then answer! Why did you tell Spock about your transfer?"

Oh. Jim didn't have an answer; he wasn't sure why he said it.

"I don't know, really. I argued with Sulu, Spock started questioning me about my _attitude_ and I guess I just snapped."

"You just _snapped_?" Bones looked at him with mock incredulity.

"I admit it wasn't my finest move, okay?"

"It was the dumbest move you've made so far. Spock's all worried because you're going away and then he'll be left without his boyfriend."

"He was bound to find out eventually, right? He just found out sooner."

"You did it to punish him, right? To get back at him because you blame him for Riley's death."

"Spock couldn't care less if I go, how is that a punishment for him?"

"Don't, Jim. Don't throw your usual pity party thinking he doesn't care about you. The guy paged sickbay every day to see how you were doing, he talked to me to see how he could help you and now he's freaking out because you're leaving. Don't you dare say he don't care, because he does. Do you think it was easy for Spock to decide what do to? He's the Captain, every decision is on his shoulders; the last thing he needed was his First Officer, who's supposed to make his job easier, acting like a jerk and blaming him for something that wasn't his fault. You should know better Jim, you want to be a Captain as well, then put yourself in Spock's place for a moment and use that marvellous brain you claim to have. If Spock didn't care for you, trust me, you'd probably have ended up on trial for insubordination."

"You realize you're defending Spock, right?" said Jim after a prolonged silence.

"To be honest, I'm a little drunk. And if you tell anyone about it I'll deny it."

"Admit it Bones, you like our dearest Captain," Jim mocked.

"I admit he isn't a complete robot. Talk to him, Jim. You don't need to tell him about Tarsus, but he has the right to know why you were acting this stupid. You two need to clear things up."

Jim knew Bones was right. He was feeling better, and tomorrow he would apologize to Uhura and Sulu, he'd clarify to Scotty that the garlic wasn't necessary and he'd start speaking to Chekov again. The only thing he didn't know exactly how to handle was Spock. He'd said a lot of things last time he talked to the Vulcan, and even though Bones said he was freaking out, Jim felt like he'd just transfer him to save himself the trouble of dealing with this volatile (and crazy) human.

Bones suggesting that he give Spock a blowjob didn't help either. Jim was used to the jokes his friend made about him and Spock, but the fact that Jim was actually considering it was proof enough of his state of mind. He gave excellent blowjobs; Spock would forgive him right away. Still, that would be the easy way, and even though Jim was a little disturbed that he didn't find the idea of engaging in those activities with Spock repulsive, he knew it was stupid. Bones should have kept that particular suggestion to himself instead of sharing it and plaguing Jim's already vivid imagination with weird things. An image of the other Kirk kissing his own Spock's neck was the final touch to this and Jim blinked furiously, trying to remember what the main point of what he was considering was.

He needed to sleep. He was good at improvising. He would let things evolve naturally next time he saw Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter will be cheerful! Thank you all for reading, and special thanks to the amazing Anbessette who is my wonderful beta and endures all my rants and ramblings.


	11. Chapter 3E: Et lux in tenebris Lucet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I want to tell you something, but I'd prefer to move this conversation to my quarters… is that okay?"
> 
> Jim finally dared to look at Spock. He expected to see disapproval or the reluctance in his eyes; he was surprised to see only indulgence and a small hint of warmth there.
> 
> "Certainly, Commander."

Jim was still thinking about what the best way to fix things was when he entered the mess hall. Now that he finally realized how much of a jerk he'd been, he also noticed the way everyone kept looking at him, like he had something contagious (although knowing Bones, they probably _did_ believe he had something contagious). Jim classified the crew's behavior into two categories: fear and anger. The ones who were afraid looked at him like he was a rabid dog ready to bite. And the ones who were angry looked at him… like he was a rabid dog ready to bite, with the difference that they were ready to kick him out if he dared. Jim was resigned to just having breakfast and thinking some more about this, but then he saw Uhura having breakfast as well, alone. Okay, there was a big chance that she was accompanied by Spock, but Jim glanced around and didn't see the Vulcan anywhere. Following his impulsive, Jim walked over to Uhura's table and took a deep breath. He prepared himself for another slap, and probably a kick in the groin. Not that he would blame her, but perhaps he should have worn a cup to prevent any real damage. He doubted that Uhura was the only one wanting to kick him.

 

"Good morning, Lieutenant," Jim said.

 

Uhura glared and pretty much ignored him. Jim took this as a positive sign and sat down, trying to reorganize his thoughts and make some sort of sense out of them.

 

Jim was considering the best way to start this awkward conversation, when Uhura sighed loudly.

 

"Commander Kirk, I'm sorry for my behavior yesterday. I had no excuse in resorting to physical violence and I was out of line. I already talked with Captain Spock and if you want to press charges for insubordination, I'll accept the punishment Starfleet think suits best. I also apologize because I let my emotions cloud my judgment, you are a superior officer and I had no right in acting the way I did."

 

Well, that was the last thing Jim expected. To be honest, he didn't even consider that Uhura had been insubordinate and yes, she had been quite rude to a Commander, but then Jim had said bad things about Spock too, he kind of provoked the entire disaster. Jim didn't think Lieutenant Uhura was the one who slapped him, but the woman who cared about Spock and the rest of the crew. They all were mourning, and Jim being trapped in his own sorrow, didn't notice how all of them were acting out because they lost someone important. Kevin was important to everyone, and not just him. You couldn't ask for everyone to separate the human being from the post. Sometimes you act before you think about it; it shouldn't cost you everything you fought so hard to obtain.

 

Jim didn't care that Uhura had slapped him. It was what he needed it; he wasn't Commander Kirk when they talked. He was a jerk who was trying to get everyone pay for his own grief. He knew that if he gave Uhura an order, she would follow it without thinking it. She deserved a break, as much as he was trying to get a break from everyone around him. God knows what he would have done in Uhura's place, seeing your superior officer acting like a child, hurting everyone around him.

 

"I've been acting like an idiot as well," Jim said carefully "you were right about what you said yesterday, and I'm not justifying myself, but I suck at mourning and I wasn't ready for that. You always expect those you care about to be safe; you can't help blaming yourself when things end badly. I know you were rude to a superior officer, and I'm sure Captain Spock put a reprimand on your file, but you sometimes work with jerks, Uhura. You can't let emotions win every time, especially with someone like me on Command. This time I'll let it pass because it helped me in a strange way, however this can't happen again. You have a complaint, talk with the Captain, or me if it's about someone else on the ship."

 

"Yes sir, I apologize. It won't happen again, it was rude and offensive; I should have controlled myself better." Uhura didn't sound sarcastic or ironic, she even seemed remorseful.

 

"I should have been a better Commander." Jim smiled sadly "we all make mistakes, we should learn from them."

 

"I don't think you could have been a better Commander. I think you did what you could and yet it wasn't enough. I get the feeling. May I say something off the record?"

 

"Um… sure…" Jim wasn't sure if this was Uhura's polite request to insult him without consequences.

 

"I like you. I think you are good at what you do, and you have my support. It was hard seeing someone I respect acting like that; I just felt really helpless when I heard you yesterday. I lost control because I thought you would see things differently, however when I realized what I did I felt like a little girl who couldn't deal with things. Even if you kept your attitude, I still would have obeyed any order you gave me. My personal feelings shouldn't interfere with my job, and believe me, what happened yesterday won't repeat again, under any circumstances."

 

"You like me?" Jim was smirking because this was the last thing he would have expected to hear from Uhura.

 

"Don't let it go to your head, Commander. I have to ask…you really cared about Riley, right?" Uhura said.

 

Jim sighed. Most of the crew must know by now that he cared a lot about Riley, even though they didn't know the reason. It seemed stupid to respond aloud a question that he had been answering with his actions for the past two weeks, but Uhura was a smart girl. She must have been asking for a good reason and if it helped the process of putting what had happened behind them, Jim would answer her.

 

"I did. I know I've been emotionally compromised all this time; I'm trying to work on that. Honestly I don't know why Spock hasn't pulled that card and ordered me to go to a shrink or sent me away to some deserted planet." Jim was joking, but deep down he _was_ curious about it. After all, he had acted like a complete lunatic when he practically told Spock he was leaving in five months and he could suck it and not bitch about it. Yeah, that was pretty dumb on Jim's part.

 

"Believe or not, Commander, we understand what it is to lose someone. Spock more than anyone. Just stop acting this way, okay? You aren't the only one affected by Riley's death. Don't make this a contest to see who cared about him more; we all cared."

 

When Jim imagined this talk with Uhura, it was completely different. He was dazed; he had expected a lot more yelling; Uhura was pretty pissed yesterday. And yes, he never thought about how _she_ was out of line too and had been insubordinate, he thought he had to apologize and humiliate himself until he got Uhura talking to him again. He felt a small pang of angriness. He always assumed everything was his fault; that he was a failure and he was to blame when things fell down. He was a Commander now, even when it wasn't the Captaincy, he deserved respect and if he acted like a jerk, the crew had to respect him anyway.

 

Leadership was something Jim knew he had to earn. Respect, on the other hand, came with the post. He was so used to fighting for respect with others that sometimes he forgot he had a rank now that pretty much guaranteed that part. It was true, respecting a jerk was a challenge, yet they had to do it.

 

Jim perhaps was grateful that Uhura considered him some sort of friend to see him as a person and not the Commander when she was trying to get some sense into him. They needed to work boundaries though.

 

"I'm really sorry, Commander." Uhura said again, this time looking directly into Jim's eyes. He saw then how Uhura was truly apologetic about what happened. Losing someone was hard, it was probably the first time for Uhura and she had no idea about what Jim had to do to keep Kevin alive. She didn't know how Jim felt because she couldn't even imagine the bond between them. Jim thought about Sam. He reacted pretty much like Uhura when their mother put a plate on the table because their father 'was still with them'. He got angry, he yelled, he kicked things. Those who hadn't faced this kind of loss couldn't understand why the ones who had acted in extreme ways.

 

"I was expecting a punch," Jim said trying to joke and break the tension. No point in making Uhura felt more remorseful than what she already did. He was taken aback that Uhura cared this much about him, but still deep down Jim was wary, just in case Uhura wanted to take him by surprise and really throw a punch at him.

 

"Oh, I'm not the only one who wants to hit you, Commander. Since I already did, it seems unfair to take all the fun away from the rest of the crew." Uhura smiled, making Jim felt like things weren't that bad after all.

 

"I deserve it," he said, sighing.

 

"Commander Kirk doesn't deserve it. James Kirk, the one who has been a complete asshole to everyone who dared speaking to him sure does."

 

Jim and Uhura kept eating in silence, but Jim felt like Uhura had been way too easy to deal with. Maybe because she was a woman; she had a little more sensitivity than the rest. Recalling what had happened with Sulu, he thought that if he wasn't so fond of Lilly, he would probably have thrown it at Jim. Although thinking it over, he preferred that to dealing with Spock. He still didn't know how he was supposed to make amends with the guy. He was afraid that next time Spock saw him, he would just nerve-pinch him and when Jim woke up he would be on Delta Vega again, which right now seemed like paradise in comparison with having a chat with Spock about his idiocy. Admitting that you were wrong to a Vulcan was like opening Pandora's box. Terrible things would happen, but you didn't know just how awful they could be. Besides, this gave the all 'I'm never going to let Spock be on my case because I've done something wrong' stuff a whole new meaning since he had done something wrong and he'd worked so hard to prevent it… Irony kept butting into Jim's life so much that it wasn't funny anymore.

 

But then, was it ever funny?

 

"Kirk, are you okay? You're frowning and I'm about to slap you again with the risk of a trial for insubordination," Uhura said with concern, and Jim was touched that she cared enough to joke about slap him back to reality. Or maybe she would do it, who knows at this point.

 

"I'm fine. Hey Uhura, are you going to call me Jim again sometime soon?" Jim asked, because Uhura using his last name or his official rank felt incredibly uncomfortable.

 

"I thought you wouldn't want that, after the way I acted. I'm terribly sorry and I respect you, if you prefer we maintain a professional relation from now on, I'll endeavor to do so."

 

"Uhura, our relationship is strange. Remember when we first met? What was what you told me? 'I thought you were a dumb hick who only had sex with farm animals'. If that isn't friendship, I don't know what it is." Jim winked at her because that was one of his fondest memories of Uhura.

 

Uhura shook her head, smiling widely.

 

"Friends make mistakes," she said "if you don't mind, then I'll call you Jim again. I trust you, I know you will make things right."

 

"I don't mind, in fact it would help seeing a friendly face when I walk through the hallways. Everyone keeps glaring at me, even Bones and he is supposed to be my friend!"

When he said Bones, he noticed how Uhura smirked, like she knew something else.

 

"What?" He asked, fearing the answer.

 

"Oh… nothing; I can't say. Ask Leonard about it." she said, standing up. "Good day, Commander." Jim looked at Uhura, frowning "Jim."

 

"Good day Uhura."

 

"You can call me Nyota."

 

"Really?" Jim looked at her with surprise.

 

"Hey, I slapped you. I think you earned it." She said with affection.

 

Jim watched her leaving the mess hall and sighed. One down, four hundred and twenty one to go. Fortunately he was free today, so he had time to think about how to approach the others. He could make an announcement over the speakers and apologize to everyone once and for all. That seemed tacky though, and perhaps Spock would be even angrier if he used the ship's resources for personal use.

 

* * *

 

 When he walked around the ship to see if that inspired him, Jim saw Sulu walking towards the Botany lab. Following his reckless instincts once again, he followed him in silence, trying to get a decent apology ready for when Sulu noticed his presence, given that if Sulu were already aware of his presence, he didn't say. He entered the lab, and it was deserted, again. Jim wondered what Sulu was doing to keep the lab completely empty.

 

"Okay, what do you want?" Sulu turned around, glaring at him. He was getting used to this glare thing everyone seemed to be so fond of. "If this is about my reprimand, Captain Spock already put a note on my record and if you want to add something you should talk to him. I know I was disrespectful, I got frustrated and I lost control, it won't happen again, sir."

 

Jim was speechless. What was he supposed to say? Using the same strategy he had employed with Uhura would be futile, he had actually had a fight with Sulu, or at least a strong disagreement which had led to Sulu telling him 'fuck you'. Maybe if he used the plant… no, that was petty. Wasn't it?

 

Yes, it was. He had to apologize sincerely and just go with the flow. Sulu reacted because Jim said pretty harsh things before Spock interrupted them. In fact he wondered why Sulu hadn't said anything about it to Spock, given that the Captain hadn't talk with him about yesterday's events.

 

"Um… I wanted to say that I'm sorry. I… you... were right… in a way."

 

"Are you saying you were wrong?" Sulu smirked.

 

"Not exactly." Jim would only admit to being wrong to Spock, and that was both because he was the Captain and because he was stronger than him. "I'm saying you were right, and I'm sorry. I didn't mean to affect your work or anything."

 

"You think this is about Lilly, don't you? I just told you that to see if you'd finally react and snap out of your grieving. Although we like the Captain more right now, that doesn't mean that we don't care about you. We don't like you at the moment, but we worry about how you are. Or at least, I do. I acted out of line yesterday because I wasn't talking with my superior officer. I was talking to a person that I considered my friend."

 

"I'm sorry." Jim thought this fell short and Sulu deserved a better apology, but he didn't have one. He just had the honest 'I'm sorry'. He hoped that was enough.

 

"I'm sorry too. I was rude to you, I was just desperate. It was hard seeing you like this, I wanted to help and I did it wrong. I don't like you right now, but I won't be rude. I'll respect you as my superior officer and I'll leave our personal relationship aside."

 

Well, that didn't sound good. Jim considered Sulu a friend too, and he knew that when you were working with friends, sometimes you forget about posts or responsibilities. You just see your friend being stupid and have to act. He and Bones had their fair share of this when they were in the Academy. He understood Sulu; besides Jim hadn't been that respectful to superior officers either.

 

"Let's try not to mix the friendship into business" Jim suggested "I know I pushed your buttons yesterday, I said really hurtful things. I'm sorry, I knew I was getting on your nerves and yet I pushed you to the limit. What you said to me doesn't compare with what I told you, do you want me to tell the Captain?"

 

"It's fine." Jim notices how Sulu winced slightly, probably remembering what Jim said. It had been petty, hurtful and wrong, Jim knew it. "If you want me to like you again, you are going to be spending more time with Lilly."

 

"What? You have the upper hand here, and that's all you're asking for? You could make me dance naked in front of everyone, and you ask me to spend time with the plant?"

 

"First, I don't have any interest in seeing you naked, and I wouldn't want to put the Crew through any more punishment –"

 

"Hey!"

 

"Second," Sulu ignored Jim's protest "I don't like taking advantage of other people."

 

"But you are making me spend time with the plant; doesn't that count as taking advantage?" Jim frowned. He was sure it counted.

 

"No, you are required to spend time with your daughter, and I'm just making sure of that. And stop calling her a plant, that's also a requirement if you want me to like you again. If you stop being a jerk and come by at least every two days, everything will be forgotten. However, I must warn you that every time you call her a plant I'll put poison ivy in your pants; I'm just telling you so we are clear on that."

 

"I don't want to know how you could accomplish that," Jim sulked.

 

"You're right, you don't." Sulu smiled.

 

"Okay then. I think I can do that." Jim smiled too, feeling better about this.

 

"And to be fair, Commander, I've always wanted to say those words to a superior officer. I think we're even." Sulu extended his hand.

 

"Only if you call me Jim again." Jim took Sulu's hand in a firm grasp.

 

"I think I can do that." Sulu replied, smirking.

 

"Okay, two down, four hundred and twenty to go," Jim said, resigned. This was going to be a long day.

 

"I'm sure you'll have a productive day," Sulu laughed. "Oh, and Jim…?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"You know we have holocams here in the lab, right?"

 

Jim paled. They what? Of course they had holocams, every damn department had holocams. Suddenly the memories of the night before came rushing back, and Jim blushed furiously. Great, now he was the laughingstock of the botany club. Karma was a bitch.

 

"Don't worry," Sulu said quickly. "I was the only one who saw the holovid and I have the file secured. Besides, it doesn't have sound. It was nice, though, Lilly has two new blossoms and I think we have to thank you for that."

 

"You are destroying that, right?" Jim looked at Sulu with pleading eyes.

 

"No, it's blackmail material for when you decide to be a jerk again. I can't use the pictures anymore."

 

"What pictures?" Jim asked, curious.

 

"You don't know?" Sulu smirked in the same way Uhura did "ask doctor McCoy about it."

 

Yes, karma was a bitch, definitely.

 

* * *

 

Jim had been walking towards the Bridge to ask Spock if he could talk to him alone, but he'd decided to leave the best for last. The truth was that he'd chickened out at the last minute and just pressed a random button in the lift. That was how he ended up in the Transporter room. He saw Scotty working on the console, without noticing his presence. He also noticed the garlic on top of it. Bones wasn't kidding, then.

 

"Good morning, Scotty," Jim said to get his attention.

 

"Commander Captain!" Scotty said, startled. "Good morning."

 

"How are you?"

 

"I've been better, Keenser lost my notes. He is banned from here until he finds them."

 

"What's up with the garlic?" Jim had to ask.

 

"Oh, it keeps him away, he can't stand the smell. The garlic stays until I have my notes back."

 

Well, at least that was logical; Bones had just misinterpreted Scotty, or at least Jim hoped he had. This was an elaborated lie for Scotty to have improvised in such a short amount of time. Then again, Jim was an expert on lies, it could be done.

 

"So Scotty, you've probably noticed my behavior lately."

 

"Nyota said you were a complete jerk and she wanted to kick you in the nuts. I suspected that something was wrong. I don't spend that much time with the Bridge gang; I don't know the gossip until days later. You're transferring to the USS Archimedes? I heard someone saying that their first officer was injured and you were a candidate for his replacement."

 

"Um, Scotty, that was last month and I already rejected the post." Jim couldn't help smile. Scotty only focused on his machines.

 

"That's great, you sure are a fun Commander Captain. You're needed here."

 

"I don't think everyone agrees with you, but thanks."

 

"They won't admit it, but they know it's true."

 

Jim didn't know if he should apologize to Scotty. He seemed oblivious about what had been happening lately, and if he knew, he was faking ignorance very well.

 

"I'm sorry for Riley's death. He was a fine lad, really smart."

 

"The crew seemed fond of him."

 

"Aye, but you took the parental role with him; it must be harder for you."

 

Jim was wide-eyed. How did Scotty know that?

 

"It's pretty obvious," Scotty added when he noticed the look on Jim's face. "Even though you have the tiny lass and the plant, you seemed really invested in Riley's safety."

 

Jim evoked the memory of when he beamed back up to the ship. Bones had held him tightly, but Scotty looked at both of them with sorrow and understanding. Scotty _got_ what Jim felt. Perhaps that was why, of all the crew members, he was the one who kept his distance and waited for Jim to approach him. He waited until Jim was ready to speak to him. Jim didn't know if Scotty knew exactly why Jim took 'the parental role' with Riley, nor did he care. Scotty got it, and that was what counted.

 

Jim didn't think that Scotty had experienced something similar, he was just this empathetic. He was a reserved guy, he rarely shared anything personal and just listened to everything around him.

 

"Does this mean that I don't have to apologize to you?" Jim asked after a prolonged silence.

 

"I don't want to kick you in the nuts, if that's what you're asking," Scotty shrugged. "I just fix machines, Commander Captain."

 

Jim understood the unsaid message: It's not my business, I don't judge. Scotty was awesome.

 

"Good, keep it that way," smiled Jim.

 

Three down… and he'd better stop keeping count.

 

* * *

 

 Jim found Chekov in the Recreation room, glancing at a pack of cards and looking resigned. Jim felt a pang of guilt. Of all the crew, Chekov was the one Jim always felt a soft spot for; he was young, eager to serve and a genius. He resembled Jim, but shyer and more measured. Jim sat down in front of Chekov, noticing how as the young Ensign looked at him, he glanced around nervously as well. He probably was thinking of a way to escape from Jim.

 

"What are you playing?" asked Jim, smiling.

 

Chekov frowned, maybe considering whether or not it was wise to answer that question.

 

"Solitaire. Lately none of the crew wants to play poker."

 

Jim had instituted poker night as a way to relieve stress and get to know the crew better. It didn't make sense that they stopped because Jim had isolated himself from them. But then he remembered what Bones said. He was important to them, whether Jim believed that or not. They probably weren't in the mood for playing without him, and Jim felt something warm in his chest. It was nice to know the others cared about him, even when he had a hard time accepting it.

 

"How about we play one game? Winner has to hide Bones' hyposprays and take the blame when he finds out."

 

Chekov lightened up immediately and nodded enthusiastically. As they played, Jim acted like nothing had happened and Chekov played along very well. Jim knew Chekov hated confrontation, and he didn't need an apology. He needed things to go back to the way they were, and that was enough for him.

 

Jim thought it was enough for him as well.

 

* * *

 

Bones didn't need an apology either. After all, he was his best friend, he had to take Jim's crap because it was implied in their friendship. Still, Jim stopped by Sickbay to prove to Bones that he was done moping.

 

"My hyposprays are missing," Bones said as soon as Jim entered his office. Chekov was definitely fast. "And I know you had something to do with it. If you don't want them up your ass next time you come here with an injury, they better appear soon."

 

"Why do you always blame me? Ask Chapel. She works here."

 

"She was having dinner with Rand when someone entered, I'm guessing either it was you, or someone moronic enough to follow your lead. I want them on my desk tomorrow morning or else you are paying for that."

 

"You're very grouchy. Who pissed you off?"

 

Bones fidgeted. He actually fidgeted, and that made Jim apprehensive. He'd already had his share of bad things this month; he couldn't take any bad news. Yet seeing Bones like that meant that he was receiving some anyway. Jim sat down because he was sure that his friend was about to tell him to anyway. If he had bad news, he always asked Jim to sit down, as if that would help him endure it.

 

"I talked to Pike…" Bones began, clearing his throat. Oh, this was going to be good, Pike was involved.

 

"He loves you back?" Jim tried to ease the tension since Bones was being all serious. It worked, Bones smiled.

 

"He wishes. Jim, he asked to pass along a message since he had the strange impression that you don't want to talk with him."

 

"That's because I don't. As far as I'm concerned, Spock can deal with the Admirals and I'll just nod all the way."

 

"Jim, Pike couldn't have prevented what happened. If I recall correctly, you also almost died on one of your stupid survival trainings. I couldn't sleep for two days because you were in the ICU."

 

"That's different, I didn't die, and Riley did. Why are you on his side, anyway? You are my damn friend; first you took Spock's side, now Pike's. Who's next? The stupid plant?"

 

"I'll tell Sulu you said that…" Bones looked smug and Jim cursed. It hadn't even been a day and he'd called Lilly a plant again. Sulu had probably made an announcement about how he was punishing Jim if he called _her_ a plant again. "And I'm not taking sides, chill the fuck out."

 

"Well, when you put it that eloquently…" Jim sneered.

 

"Look… there's going to be a memorial service for Riley and those two cadets who died on other missions. And three members of the Pegasus' crew died too, the one in the cave and another two who were in really bad shape."

 

"And as usual Starfleet wants to make the offer 'five deaths and the next one gets a free Memorial service'."

 

"It's more like 'we don't have enough money to pay the same guy to come and talk about death at six different memorials and we hate dressing up so we're only doing it once and you can suck it'."

 

"That's more elaborate," Jim smirked. "I'll stick with mine. So, there's going to be a memorial… what? Pike wants me to talk like they ask me to talk about my father every year?"

 

"No. He said that if you want to go, you have the Admiralty's permission and Spock probably won't decline. It's in five days, and we're close to Earth, you can get there in four days on a shuttle."

 

Jim hadn't considered this. There was bound to be a memorial, Starfleet always did that because they thought a few words 'honored' the memory of those who had lost their lives 'in the line of duty'. The truth was that those who spoke at the memorials knew very little about the ones who had passed away. Yet Jim felt that he needed to go anyway.

 

And he had to ask Spock's permission for that. This was getting better and better.

 

"Okay… anything else?"

 

"No; we laughed at your pictures. Oh, didn't I tell you? I put makeup on you when you had your drunken breakdown, courtesy of Rand and then Chapel let me borrow one of her skirts. Then I took pictures and sent them to all the crewmembers, nominating you for 'Miss Starfleet'. Spock said that if I continue using my PADD with unprofessional and extremely illogical intentions he'll ban me from the shared connection. He lectured me for an hour about 'appropriate use of resources' and 'respect for fellow officers' and I think he put a reprimand on my file, but it was totally worth it. Uhura also said that I used the word 'miss' very loosely in this."

 

Jim knew it was true because he had heard Chapel telling Rand that blue was definitely his color in eye shadow. He had blue eyes, how could blue makeup be beneficial for him anyway? Worse, why was he thinking about it? Now what Uhura and Sulu said made sense. He couldn't get mad at Bones, though. It made the forgiveness process easier, and now he understood why everyone kept glancing at his legs and hadn't been giving him a hard time about his nasty attitude. Maybe he could use this as a way to break the ice with Spock as well.

 

"Pike said you could win if you shaved your legs," added Bones, grinning madly. Now he looked like that crazy doctor they saw in that old TV musical. Programs from the XXI century were really weird.

 

"I admire the effort you put into dressing me up and putting makeup on me, taking pictures and then washing the makeup off and dressing me back to normal. Although I made it pretty easy for you, I was completely wasted."

 

"If you want the pictures I can send them to your PADD."

 

"Just for morbid curiosity, you do that. I bet I'm still hot, though."

 

"I wouldn't marry you."

 

They laughed, and Jim knew everything would be fine eventually. This time, he did believe it.

 

* * *

 

As he walked through the hallways, Jim noticed the crew watching him warily, but with a certain amusement in their eyes that now made sense. He probably misread the enjoyment earlier thinking it was some sort of angriness. Jim appreciated a good prank, and he knew Bones did it because he was acting like a jerk, though if he had been Captain he would probably have reprimand Bones for it. Maybe if he had been Captain, Bones wouldn't have done it in the first place. Jim had to stop doing this, asking 'what if' every time things got difficult.

 

"Commander." Yeoman Rand interrupted his thoughts.

 

"Good evening, Yeoman," Jim smiled. "I heard your makeup worked miracles on my face."

 

At least Rand had the decency to blush, unlike Bones, who was shameless enough to admit what he did and laugh right in Jim's face.

 

"Doctor McCoy said you wouldn't find out and that we –"

 

"It's okay Rand, relax. As long as the crew don't forget that I'm still First Officer on this ship." Jim winked.

 

"Oh, I wouldn't worry about that, Captain Spock made things clear at the staff meeting. He forbade us from talking about the incident and said that if anyone sends the picture to the crewmembers who didn't receive it, he will transfer them."

 

Spock was defending his honor? That was unexpected, especially after the show Jim put on in front of the Vulcan yesterday. Spock kept surprising Jim and he didn't know if that was a good thing. He could be offended because Spock called for a staff meeting and didn't include him, but he probably deserved it and Spock knew he had no shift today.

 

"That's good to know," was the only thing Jim could say.

 

"So, Commander, I need your signature on these forms." Rand tried to look calm, but Jim noticed the small tremor in her hands.

 

When Jim grabbed the PADD, he realized why. It was Spock's briefing about the events of the last mission. Even though Starfleet apparently considered Spock's version sufficient, they still needed both of their signatures. Jim signed quickly, trying to subdue the bitterness this would always bring every time he remembered what had happened. Then when he was on the last form, he noticed it was different from the others. This was about a change of course… to Earth.

 

"Yeoman, who authorized this detour in our course?" Jim asked. If Bones had meddled in this and gone to Spock behind his back, he would kill him.

 

"Captain Spock," Rand said quickly. "We only need your signature to fulfill the order."

 

He would kill Bones, definitely. Spock had written _'six month review'_ as the grounds for the order; he could have come up with a better excuse, Admirals only did reviews every year. Sighing, Jim returned the PADD to Rand.

 

"Uhm… Commander… you didn't sign the last one… and Captain Spock said that this needed to be done immediately." Rand stuttered, and Jim didn't blame her. Being in the middle of the two people in command was never fun.

 

"I need to speak with the Captain before I sign this one. Send a copy to my personal terminal, and I'll sign it after I clarify a few things with him." Jim tried to look calm, but Rand kept fidgeting like she feared Jim was going to yell at her for this. He really needed to do damage control, a picture of him dressed up like a woman couldn't work miracles. "Dismissed, yeoman."

 

"Yes sir, I'll send you the copy. Excuse me."

 

Rand fled as soon as Jim nodded. Okay, he had been avoiding this chat with Spock for as long as he could; now it seemed that he couldn't prevent it any longer. Taking a deep breath, he walked directly to one of the nearest terminals.

 

"Computer, what is the location of Captain Spock?"

 

"Captain Spock is located on Observation Deck 4."

 

Spock only visited the Observation decks when he wanted to think about things and make decisions, and Jim was surprised that he knew this information. When had he become so aware of Spock's habits and personal routines? He would analyze this later; he had more important things on his plate right now.

 

* * *

 

Walking as slow as he could, Jim directed his course to the Observation deck, considering what he would say. _Spock, I appreciate the change of course, but it's not necessary. By the way, I'm sorry for being a dick, I was on meds._ No, that was… well, it was good, but somehow Jim felt Spock would need a somewhat more in-depth explanation about what happened. Besides, every time Jim used the word _dick_ in his chats with Spock he asked him to define it, knowing too well that it implied a certain male part that had nothing to do with the conversation and that Jim used as an insult. At least he'd stopped doing that with _ass_ when Bones went graphic about it. _Captain Spock, I owe you an apology, I was rude and out of line and if you decide to transfer me, that's okay and I understand. Also, you don't need to reroute the ship to Earth, I can go on a shuttle and I won't waste the Enterprise's resources._ Jim's head hurt just thinking about this. It was far too formal and it sounded phony even to him. It wasn't like Jim couldn't pull it off; he was a great actor, but Spock deserved better. And if he had been honest with every crew member up until this point, why shouldn't he be honest with Spock? The worst thing that could happen was that Spock would nerve-pinch him and then he would wake up either on Delta Vega, Earth or some unknown planet.

 

Jim was about to enter the Observation deck, when he noticed Spock with Uhura. Somehow he felt a pang of annoyance; lately he had been feeling these small flashes of irritation or frustration when he saw Spock with the Lieutenant, which was stupid because he and Spock were barely friends. It must be because of the other set of memories he had in his head and still hadn't done anything about. He assumed emotional transference was part of the deal. Maybe he in some way felt aggravated for the other Kirk, seeing his boyfriend or whatever being groped by someone else. Something like transferred jealousy? Because he certainly wasn't jealous of Spock and Uhura! They could do anything they wanted to for all Jim cared; so he must be upset for the other Kirk, maybe his head didn't understand that this Spock wasn't _that_ Spock and no one was cheating on anyone… this was getting more confusing with each passing day. Deep down, Jim was reluctant to tell the Ambassador about the memories because of course he would want to remove them. Jim didn't want to. Not because he enjoyed seeing the love fest between that Kirk and the Ambassador, he could live fine without those images. It was mostly because those memories showed him what he could be doing right now. They showed what Jim was capable of if he put his mind to it, and what he could aspire to become. It was odd, his father had inspired to become greater than him, and these memories were basically fulfilling that purpose at the moment. He stopped thinking about surpassing his father and focused on surpassing himself.

 

Thinking about it made him feel stupid.

 

"… be okay," he heard Uhura saying a little louder. He realized that he had been standing there for a while, yet they didn't seem to notice his presence.

 

"Indeed." Spock sounded resigned.

 

He turned around, deciding to wait for Spock to head back to his quarters to talk to him, when he heard Uhura calling him. Great, now they would think he was nosy or creepy; maybe both.

 

No point in pretending he didn't hear. He put on his best smile and turned back.

 

"Yes, Lieutenant?"

 

"Are you looking for someone?" Uhura asked with too much glee for Jim's taste.

 

"Oh, I… well…" This reminded Jim a lot of when he was in Pike's office because he did something illegal, or that time his mother had to bail him out because he drove his father's car off a cliff. He was just as eloquent as he was back then too. "Um… I just wanted to see if the Captain was… available… for… conversation." Dammit, why was he so nervous?

 

Spock arched an eyebrow, and Uhura smirked. She actually smirked. Jim tried not to blush; his failed thought process was bad enough without adding more humiliation.

 

"You're lucky then, I was about to retire for the night." Uhura kept smirking. "Good night, Captain, Commander."

 

"Good night." They both answered at the same time, and Jim locked his eyes on the floor, avoiding Spock's gaze and trying to quickly think of what to say when Uhura left the room.

 

Uhura patted him gently on the arm, and when he dared to look at her she smiled, winking at him. Perhaps she'd taken pity on him and smoothed things over with Spock.

 

Noticing that they were completely alone now, Jim tried to say something to break the ice without being too obnoxious. He tended to make smart-ass comments when he felt anxious.

 

"I was under the impression that you wanted to talk to me, Commander," Spock said after they just stayed silent for a while. Apparently Jim wasn't good at starting conversations without being obnoxious.

 

"Um, yeah." Jim entered the Observation deck, looking everywhere but at Spock. He stood a safe distance away from him, just in case.

 

"Then I am afraid I do not understand your sudden silence." Jim noticed how Spock tilted his head.

 

This was stupid. What Jim could possibly say that would actually make things worse? He'd already pretty much burned every bridge between him and Spock. It wasn't like he could say something and screw things up when they were already screwed. Well, he could bring Spock's mom into the conversation. _That_ could sure make things worse. Not that Jim would do it; he just imagined that there was undeniably a way to screw things up a lot more.

 

"Commander?"

 

Right, he was supposed to say something. Anytime now would be great.

 

"Sorry… I just spaced out. Look Spock… the thing is… sorry, Captain… I didn't mean to get personal; I know I don't have the right to, so, Captain, the thing is… I'm a dick…" Jim was about to beat himself unconscious and save both of them the trouble. Hadn't he planned to make at least some sense?

 

Spock only kept the 'What the hell?' eyebrow up. Well, the fact that he was still there suggested that maybe Spock wasn't that angry at him.

 

"Let me rephrase that," Jim said before Spock decided to just blow him off. "I know I've been emotionally compromised all this time. I know I acted immaturely, and I was insubordinate. I also know that you are probably considering transferring me, and I'll accept that. I just…"

_You don't have to tell him about Tarsus_. Jim felt like right now, that was the only thing he could share to make Spock understand what had happened with him. He had to tell Spock.

 

"I want to tell you something, but I'd prefer to move this conversation to my quarters… is that okay?"

 

Jim finally dared to look at Spock. He expected to see disapproval or the reluctance in his eyes; he was surprised to see only indulgence and a small hint of warmth there.

 

"Certainly, Commander."

 

Hearing this and seeing Spock that open made Jim's heart skip a beat and he felt some sort of flutter in his stomach. This must be another transferred emotion, Jim had no reason to feel this happy… or maybe a little of it was his and the rest was from the other Kirk. It didn't make any sense, yet Jim had to believe it.

 

Without saying another word, Jim headed to his quarters, followed closely by Spock. Jim entered his code and invited Spock in. Jim didn't plan to open his heart and tell Spock about everything on Tarsus. He'd promised himself that when he was ready, the first person who would hear this was Bones. Because he was his best friend, because he was the first one who cared enough to dig into Jim's past and because he was the only person who stuck with Jim no matter how much of an ass he was from time to time.

 

He would keep the conversation as impersonal as possible; just enough for Spock to get the picture.

 

After gesturing for Spock to take a seat whenever he liked, Jim sat down in front of his terminal. What was the best way to initiate this conversation? He could give a speech about how the obstacles in our lives could be difficult to overcome… God, now he sounded like one of those shrinks who tried to 'help him'.

 

Spock was respectfully silent, like he knew that Jim needed a few minutes to get things clear in his head. Jim was grateful, and felt that flutter in his stomach again.

 

"Captain… have you heard about Tarsus IV?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Especial thanks to my wonderful beta, Anbessette, who still endures my random ramblings and thank you Darkgirl5 for your help in this chapter as well, I couldn’t have done it without your amazing assistance and disposition.


	12. Chapter 3F: Requiéscat in pace

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Kevin was a good guy," Kirk said suddenly.
> 
> "I am sure he was an exceptional being."

Spock was uneasy about the events that were unfolding. He was still considering what the best option was given that Commander Kirk said he would sign his transfer _if_ Spock requested it. Logically then, if Spock did not request it, Mister Kirk would continue serving on the Enterprise. Yet having Kirk with this new attitude was not exactly Spock's ideal choice.

 

He was surprised when he saw Kirk looking completely subdued; he apologized and asked if he could talk to Spock in his quarters. Spock knew that whatever the Commander had to say, it must be extremely personal for him to request they move from their current location into a more private one. After his conversation with Kirk the day before, Spock was not sure if he could handle things if Mister Kirk hinted at his promotion again.

 

The last thing Spock expected to be mentioned was Tarsus IV. If the Commander wanted to discern his knowledge on the subject it was reasonable to assume he was involved in some way. Spock wished he was wrong in his conclusions, though, and this was just another way for Kirk to change the subject, as crude as it was.

 

"I have." Spock thought it prudent to just answer the Commander's question and let him handle the rest.

 

"What have you heard about it?"

 

Spock lifted his eyebrow. He only knew what books said about it, there were a few theses about the subject and generally speaking the topic was still something of a taboo.

 

"It was one of the largest massacres of the last fifty years; somehow even when help was sent to the colony, they arrived too late to save half of the population who were sacrificed in order to –"

 

"Okay, you heard enough," interrupted the Commander, looking uneasy. Spock noticed how Kirk took a deep breath, and exhaled slowly. "I was one of the survivors of Tarsus."

 

Spock blinked. Then he tilted his head, and blinked again. He was speechless at the moment because even when he had already concluded that Commander Kirk's line of questioning would lead to this, it was still unexpected to hear it confirmed. Spock recalled all that he had read about Tarsus; the list of survivors was secured strongly to prevent causing any more pain to them.

 

"I was under the impression you lived on Earth," Spock said slowly, still thinking about what to say next when the Commander answered his query.

 

"I did. I was sent to Tarsus with some relatives for the summer. You wouldn't believe what starving people do to survive. I was lucky enough to witness everything from the front row." Spock noticed how the Commander smiled bitterly.

 

"I assume the last part of your assertion was sarcastic." Spock blinked again. It was unnerving to hear Kirk talking like that, however he knew the Commander used sarcasm as a defensive mechanism when he was talking about subjects he found upsetting. "If you were sent there… your family…" Spock did not know how to ask this without sounding insensitive.

 

"My mother thought it was best to send me there," interrupted Kirk. "She had her reasons, okay? That's not the point. I was on Tarsus… and so was Kevin."

 

Spock blinked once more, connecting the dots. That was the reason why Mister Kirk was so overprotective with Mister Riley. Everything made more sense now, and Spock understood the reasoning behind Kirk's attitude lately.

 

"I see." Spock had no experience of what he was supposed to say in these situations. In Vulcan it was polite to acknowledge a loss, but then there was no emotional component to the event. In this case, with Mister Kirk being more emotional than rational, Spock was unsure of what he should do. Should he ask more questions to see if Mister Kirk wanted to talk about it? Should he act like this was not a troubling subject? Should he hug the Commander? Spock had made his opinions about personal space clear since the beginning, although there were special circumstances that could override his Vulcan heritage. Humans needed physical comfort, and right now the only one available to provide it was Spock. If he commed Doctor McCoy it could be seen as rude and tactless; Spock was willing to give Kirk something he considered extremely personal and private if that could make the Commander feel better.

 

The fact that he was more concerned about the Commander's wellbeing than his own discomfort was, at this point, trivial.

 

Kirk gave no sign whatsoever of wanting physical comfort; Spock then wondered if he should say something or if he should to wait until the Commander spoke.

 

"I'm glad to see that you are as eloquent as the others I've told so far. They all react the same, with pity and sorrow."

 

"I apologize, I did not –"

 

"It's okay Captain, I get it. I know I should have told you that I was emotionally compromised about having Kevin here. We… I… I did very bad things to survive; I'm ashamed of them, but I don't regret them. I feel like my personal worth lowered even more after Tarsus, but hey, at least I'm alive, right? I'm a completely worthless piece of shit, but I'm still alive."

 

"Commander –" Emotions were not Spock's strong suit, but he knew that he had to say something to assure Kirk that he was wrong and that he should not be ashamed of what had happened.

 

"I don't need a pep talk, Captain." Mister Kirk must have noticed his uneasiness and that made Spock feel even more uncomfortable. He was supposed to conceal his feelings better. "I just wanted you to know why I acted like a complete lunatic. I made sure Kevin survived, Captain. I made that my personal goal. At least one of us could have a normal, happy and boring life. Yet Kevin chose this. I know he wanted it but I feel like it's my fault because I let him. I let him serve here, I let him go to the mines, I let him stay when I ordered him otherwise and I let him die…" Spock noticed that Kirk was fighting back tears. He did not know exactly where the impulse came from, but he stood up and grabbed the nearest chair, putting it in front of the Commander. He sat down, and put his hand on Kirk's shoulder.

 

"I grieve with thee," he said.

 

Kirk glanced at Spock's hand, smiling resignedly. He nodded, and they stayed like that for a few minutes. Spock appreciated silence when humans tended to feel adverse to it, however in that moment Spock knew they both were benefiting from it.

 

"I don't talk about it, Captain. I didn't say anything for two years to the stupid shrinks my mother kept sending me. I didn't say anything to the counselor in the Academy, and I didn't say anything to Bones when he grilled me with questions. What I lived through there is something for me to carry, and no one else; Kevin was different from me. He shared everything with whoever wanted to listen to the sad story about the poor survivors. He shared the burden, and maybe it worked for him, but he didn't have to do half of the things I had. I gave up everything on Tarsus, Captain; my morals, my pride, my personal value… hell, the only thing I always had was the need to save others who were completely innocent. I probably deserved what happened to me, but they didn't. They deserved another chance, and if I could give it to them, at least it counted for something, right?"

 

Spock was again feeling at loss of words. It was incredible hearing Commander Kirk sounding defeated and resigned, and even when he knew it was a complete violation of Kirk's boundaries, he lowered his shields and felt something he did not expect: shame. Kirk was ashamed of everything he had to do to survive, while Spock could not feel something else but pride and respect. This man was important and it was perplexing seeing how he was the first who denied this. The way Kirk chastised himself for what he went through and it was not his fault pained Spock.

 

"You do not have to carry this alone anymore." Spock was surprised of his own voice. It sounded strong and demanding. "If Doctor McCoy cannot help you, I am willing to assist you in any way I can."

 

Kirk lifted an eyebrow at him; Spock thought how Kirk always complained about Spock doing the same thing and he never noticed that he also shared this trait. Kirk said that in Spock was scarier.

 

"Um… that's unexpected." Kirk sounded amused and Spock felt a little better at hearing it. "If I need to 'share' this with someone, you will be the second on my list. Bones gets the number one spot though, he was here first."

 

Even when he knew Kirk was joking, it bothered Spock. Of course McCoy would be Kirk's first option.

 

"And that's why I acted like a jerk," Kirk said after Spock retrieved his hand from the Commander's shoulder when he heard that Kirk preferred McCoy. It was an illogical reaction but he could not help it. "It's not a justification; I wanted to explain my reasons. I know I said things… bad things, and I generally made everyone hate me, but it's what I do. I screw things up before I think about it. At least I have the consolation of knowing that I can be Miss Starfleet."

 

Spock lifted his eyebrow again. He did not know that Kirk was aware of the crude and disrespectful 'prank' Doctor McCoy had pulled two days ago.

 

"I made clear for the crew members about this subject, Commander. I also ensured that Doctor McCoy does not repeat this kind of 'joke'. If you like you can add a reprimand to the file of the Doctor or you can give the reprimand you feel sufficient."

 

Mister Kirk laughed. He actually laughed and perhaps Spock should not be so content to see it, but he was. He felt like he was getting back the Commander he wanted on his ship. He also wondered how Kirk could trust McCoy when the human did such horrible and impolite things justifying it as 'friendship'.

 

"That won't be necessary, Captain. Bones just wanted to help me." On top of that, Kirk defended McCoy. Spock did not understand how McCoy and Kirk's bond worked.

 

"I fail to see how sending… that incredibly dreadful edited picture of a superior officer would be of any assistance."

 

"Um… actually… it was me. He kind of dressed me up and took the pictures. It's a human thing, Captain, you shouldn't worry about it too much."

 

It was even worse than Spock had thought. He had initially believed that Doctor McCoy edited one of the many pictures he must possess of Mister Kirk; now Spock realized the effort the good doctor had put into his prank, as pointless and impertinent as it was. If McCoy applied that degree of effort to becoming more polite and well-behaved he could be a fine member of the crew. It surprised Spock seeing how humans responded to these particular situations; even Nyota, who was always in control and very respectful, acted with violence without controlling her irritation and sadness for the events that unfolded after the mission. Perhaps Spock should learn that if he confided in Nyota, she always would take her side as much as Doctor McCoy took Mister Kirk's side most of the time. It was difficult for humans to separate their friendship bond from the work environment. However Spock suspected that this particular development was what made the Enterprise so successful.

 

Spock was aware that even though Kirk seemed less tense, he was still calling him 'Captain'. He knew that it was appropriate, and Kirk did not say it mockingly, but every time Kirk called him 'Captain' Spock felt almost like there was a barrier between them, and he did not like it. There was also the topic of Kirk's departure. Spock did not know if it was wise to approach it at the moment, since they had reached a common ground and broaching the topic could be detrimental to what he had already gained with the Commander. Kirk trusted him with personal information, he could at least reciprocate and wait until Kirk decided it was a good time to discuss it.

 

"Kevin was a good guy," Kirk said suddenly.

 

"I am sure he was an exceptional being."

 

"He was, he really was. And even though I was going to ask for your permission to go to his memorial, it's not necessary for the Enterprise to divert its route just for that. I can go on one of the shuttles."

 

It was true that as soon as Spock knew about the memorial service for the lost service members in the last month, he ordered a course change since their former mission was only to transport material to a closer planet and the USS Archimedes, which was close by, could handle it. However, this was not the reason for his decision; the Admiralty always reviewed the general function of the ships, generally every year. Spock thought it prudent to return now that they had reached six months in the service and demonstrate to the Admirals that they were performing at the expected level and there were no problems in the chain of command such as they had anticipated.

 

It was fortunate, then, that he convinced Admiral Archer of this and that the memorial service was held on a date when they would be on Earth. Fortunate indeed.

 

"I am afraid that it is necessary, Commander. The Admiralty requested the revision."

 

"Are you sure?" Kirk frowned. "They only do it every year. They're lazy like that."

 

"I am quite sure."

 

"Even when we are almost seven months into the mission?"

 

"Indeed."

 

"And they could wait five months to do it annually."

 

"I do not question the Admiralty's decisions, Commander."

 

Kirk smirked, and Spock lifted his eyebrow.

 

"Okay then, never mind. Uh… Captain…" Kirk pushed his feet to move his chair a little further back. Spock realized they had not moved from the position they had been in when he was trying to give physical comfort. "I…"

 

Kirk's personal terminal started buzzing, and Spock stood up to give him some privacy.

 

"No." Kirk put his hand on Spock's arm. "Please, stay."

 

Spock nodded and Kirk retrieved his hand quickly, muttering 'sorry'. Perhaps he assumed that Spock had been uncomfortable with his touch. He had not. In fact he had felt a small buzz in his head and a strange feeling in his arm, but he dismissed it. If he kept thinking about the irrational reactions he had where Commander Kirk was concerned, he would have to meditate for days. He decided to accept this as one of the inconveniences of working with humans.

 

When the Commander turned his terminal on, the image of a woman appeared in front of them.

 

"Jim!" the woman said with certain apprehensiveness.

 

"Mom…"

 

Spock glanced again at the woman. He had seen Winona Kirk in papers and old data, but this woman looked entirely different.

 

"Sam told me about Kevin," she said sadly. "How are you?"

 

"Considering that it happened almost a month back, I think I'm pretty much okay."

 

Spock sensed bitterness in the Commander's tone. Maybe he was misinterpreting things.

 

"I'm sorry I haven't called, I was busy. You didn't call me."

 

"I didn't call Sam either and yet he found out."

 

"Don't start, Jim. I know it's hard, Kevin was like your brother."

 

"This is Captain Spock," Kirk said suddenly, glancing at him.

 

"I am pleased to meet you," Spock said politely, sensing that the Commander was using him to break the tension that was boiling between the two of them.

 

Winona Kirk lifted her right hand, doing the ta'al with a smile. Spock was surprised; he did not know that she was familiar with Vulcan culture. Spock reciprocated.

 

"Nice to meet you too, Captain Spock," she said. "There's going to be a memorial, right?"

 

"Yes, in five days. Are you going?"

 

"I would like to, but I can't."

 

"Let me guess, your wonderful husband didn't give you permission."

 

"I hardly think this is a good time to discuss it." She looked at Spock nervously. "Live long and prosper, Captain Spock. Jim, I'll call you soon."

 

"Yeah, right. Bye mom."

 

Before Spock could say anything, Kirk ended the call. Somehow Spock felt that he had just witnessed something extremely private, even more so than what Kirk had shared about Tarsus.

 

"Sorry about that, Captain," Kirk said. "We Kirks don't deal well with loss."

 

"I did not know that your mother had knowledge of Vulcan culture." Spock thought that approaching the subject in a neutral way could make the Commander less uneasy about what had just happened.

 

"She was trained as a diplomat to establish contact with other cultures. I just hate the guy she's married to. Still, it's her life. I guess if your father marries again you'll understand the feeling." Commander Kirk went pale, like he'd said something appalling, and put his hands on his mouth. "Shit! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, I wasn't thinking."

 

"I did not feel affronted by your comment; I would indeed feel uncomfortable if my father decided to bond with another person." Although Spock had already considered this, given that his father would live for many years and being without a bond could be detrimental to his health. However, echoing his father's words, Spock had the impression his father would remain bondless for the rest of his life, as after all he had found love in his mother. It was unlikely he would find that in another being when his other half was already lost. Spock hoped that he would be as lucky as his father, and would get to experience love as well.

 

"I guess you don't mind my weird thoughts then, Captain," Kirk smiled "but I asked you to stay for a reason. I was… I… talked with… _Lilly._ " Spock noticed the emphasis Kirk put on the plant's name; Mister Sulu had probably already threatened him. Spock did not agree with Mister Sulu's argument, yet he would hardly meddle in the rules of parenthood the Lieutenant had established. "And I kind… I want to talk to Amanda."

 

Spock tilted his head. It would be difficult for Kirk to talk with the baby since she was still far too small to form sentences or even understand them.

 

"Well, not talk exactly." Kirk must have guessed what Spock thought. "But see her… I was wondering if we could call Betazoid and see how she's doing."

 

"I have no objections; would you like to make the call now?"

 

"Yes, but I… well… I wanted to ask you a favor. I wanted to see if you could stay with me. You were the one connecting with her in her mind… maybe she won't recognize me anymore and if she sees you, maybe she will feel better."

 

"It would be highly implausible for the baby to remember one person over the other, especially the one who does not have a bond with her. However, I will stay."

 

As Spock watched Kirk interacting with the baby through the screen, he felt something warm in his chest; a sense of rightness.

 

* * *

 

Jim felt much better after talking to Spock. To his surprise, he didn't hint at anything Jim said before. He felt like he could count on Spock in anything; it was a nice feeling. The crew were leaving their apprehensive state and acting normally, jokes were even back on the Bridge. It was like Jim had the fortune to get back something he had lost.

 

He suggested to Spock that they have a short shore leave on Earth, and to his surprise, Spock agreed. Jim had thought that even though Spock seemed okay about what happened, he would be more reserved about the suggestions Jim could make.

 

Spock wasn't, and Jim was grateful for that. It was almost like nothing happened. Almost…

 

When they finally reached Earth, everyone beamed down happily, probably thinking about what they would do during the next two days of shore leave. Jim knew it would be asking too much to expect them to interrupt their leave to go to the memorial, so he didn't say anything to the others. They deserved the small rest, and Jim was the one closest to Riley. He shouldn't even expect Bones to come with him, he had only two days to enjoy Joanna; it would be selfish of Jim to ask him to accompany him to the memorial.

 

Jim would say goodbye to Kevin like he had met him in the first place. Alone.

 

"Are you sure, Jim?" Bones kept looking at him with uncertainty.

 

"Yes, come on, you had a hard time convincing Jocelyn, enjoy Joanna."

 

"I could see her today and tomorrow I could go with you…"

 

"I'll be fine, Bones. Give Joanna my best, okay?"

 

Bones looked warily at Jim, but he nodded anyway.

 

"Where are you staying?" Bones asked doubtfully.

 

"I'll rent a motel room somewhere nearby. Stop worrying about me and go be with your daughter already."

 

"Fine, fine… call me if you need anything, okay?"

 

"Sure."

 

"I mean it Jim. Call me."

 

"I know, I know."

 

Jim noticed that Spock had heard the entire conversation and kept silent. Well, Jim was requested today for the briefing, so he would be free tomorrow to go to the memorial. Maybe that was Spock's doing, and he was grateful, but he wouldn't cross the line and ask Spock if he wanted to share a room. That would be weird, even by his standards.

 

He beamed down, and looked at the Academy with sorrow. It was stupid, but Jim felt like Starfleet was cursed for the Kirks. Even if Kevin wasn't technically a member of the family, Jim thought of him as one. Yes, Kirks had their share of misery when they entered Starfleet.

 

When Jim entered Pike's office, he was expecting the entire Admiralty giving him the evil eye. He frowned when Pike was the only one there, and he didn't look entirely evil.

 

"Admiral." Jim nodded respectfully.

 

"Commander," Pike said solemnly.

 

There was a tense silence between them.

 

"Come here, son." Pike smiled sadly and was all that Jim needed. He saw how Pike stood up with the help of a pair of crutches and Jim hugged him tightly. He still thought Pike was an asshole, but at this point, who wasn't?

 

"You can walk," Jim said.

 

"You didn't expect me to be in that damn chair forever, did you?"

 

"Well, it crossed my mind," Jim smiled. "Where's the rest of the inquisition?"

 

"I thought you would prefer to give me the briefing instead of facing Komack. Although I don't know what you possibly can have to report. We already know everything."

 

"Spock said that Archer requested us."

 

"What? Oh, right… Archer. Yes, he requested you… um… but since I know you, I don't need your briefing, Kirk."

 

Jim sighed. Spock was catching up on lying very quickly.

 

"So, Spock made us came all the way here because it's Kevin's memorial, right?"

 

"I can't confirm that, Kirk. It's classified information." Pike smiled weakly. "Just be grateful, kid."

 

"I am. Tell me, how lame this service is going to be?"

 

"Komack will say a few words…"

 

"You could have at least prevented that," Jim sighed.

 

"Kirk, how are you feeling?"

 

Jim knew Pike was worried. He acted like the father he never had and Jim couldn't complain. It was nice to have someone who cared for you.

 

"I'll be okay. You?"

 

"I'll be okay," Pike repeated.

 

They would be fine then.

 

<hr>

 

Jim woke up with the sensation of a void in the pit of his stomach. He had prepared himself for this day, but he was still feeling edgy about it. Maybe it was because Pike got him drunk yesterday and he had no clue about how he ended up in a hotel room that he had no memory of checking in to. It was best to get this over with and move on once and for all.

 

He walked slowly, entering the Academy grounds with a resigned look. As he stood in front of the memorial wall, and saw Kevin's name there, Jim felt surreal. Like he was in a nightmare and would wake up anytime soon.

 

This time, however, the nightmare would last forever.

 

Jim didn't know how long he spent staring at Kevin's name, but when he heard Komack calling everyone to the grounds to start the memorial, he shook his head. It was time.

 

He almost had a heart attack when he turned around and saw Spock standing at a prudent enough distance to let him mourn but close enough to bump into him if he took two more steps.

 

"God! Spock! I mean, Captain… what can I do for you?"

 

"I thought we could keep each other company during the memorial service," Spock said, completely neutral.

 

"What? I thought you had a meeting with the Admiralty."

 

"It was delayed; Admiral Komack is leading the memorial service."

 

"Well, you have better things to do than go to a depressing memorial service, Captain. Your presence isn't necessary."

 

"I am attending even if you prefer that we sit apart. Mister Riley was a member of my crew, Mister Kirk." Even though Spock said it neutrally, Jim felt like a jerk. Right, he wasn't the only one who cared for Kevin. Spock was in charge of every crewmember on the Enterprise; it must be hard to face the loss of one of them.

 

"I know; I'm sorry Captain. Sure, we can sit together."

 

As they approached the grounds, he was aware of the presence of a few Enterprise crewmembers. Good, they had made time even when Jim didn't ask for it. He was getting glimpses of very familiar faces, like Chapel and Rand, but Jim almost fell over backwards when he saw Uhura, Scotty, Chekov and Sulu sitting in the second row. Bones was there too, with Joanna in his arms.

 

"You didn't really expect me to leave you alone, right?" Bones smiled gently. "We care, Jim."

 

Jim didn't trust himself to make any sort of sense right now; he just nodded and tried to fight back tears, again. It was the first time Jim had belonged anywhere; he felt the support, the company, the affection…

 

He wasn't alone anymore.

 

* * *

 

Spock observed the Commander carefully during the Memorial service. He cried and tried to dissimulate by saying it was dust in his eye. Spock let him think he believed it, although he was familiar with that excuse as his mother had used it often. She said it was caused by sand, though, since Vulcan was a desert. He realized that Commander Kirk had actually thought no member of the Enterprise would be attending the memorial. They had come not only for the memory of Mister Riley, but also to show their emotional support to Kirk. Even when Kirk was overemotional, he seemed to think he was the only one and that no other being around him was concerned about what could happen to him.

 

He seemed to think that nobody would notice if he was hurt, and Spock was bothered by the realization.

 

Spock was approached by Admiral Komack at the end of the service, and Kirk excused himself to allow them privacy. He just wanted to confirm the time for Spock's briefing, and as soon as Komack dismissed him, he glanced in Kirk's direction. He was with McCoy already. Somehow Spock did not like the way Kirk always seemed to look for consolation in the good doctor, even though it was logical and he had absolutely no rational motive for this discomfort. He strolled towards them.

 

"… and you should know better." McCoy sounded like he was scolding Kirk.

 

"I know. I can't believe you brought Joannie here!"

 

"She spent most of the time sleeping, it wasn't a big deal."

 

Instead of interrupting, Spock walked directly to the Admiralty briefing room. He was not required for thirty point three more minutes, however he did not want to intrude on Kirk's conversation and did not feel that he would enjoy sharing the Commander's attention with McCoy, who often made strange remarks that Spock did not understand.

 

When he arrived, he saw Admiral Pike already sitting in his customary place.

 

"Spock! I've been expecting you."

 

"Sir?" Spock was not aware that he had an earlier appointment with the Admiral.

 

"I knew you were getting here early, I decided to wait. I have to talk to you before the Admirals start with the briefing."

 

That did not sound good. Spock tried to recall whether he had done something that could be labeled as insubordinate. He had nothing.

 

"What can I do for you, Admiral?" Spock decided to let Pike 'speak his mind' as humans would say.

 

Pike looked at Spock with a serious expression that made Spock wary.

 

"Spock, I wanted to warn you about Mitchell."

 

"I beg your pardon?" Spock was at loss as to what Captain Mitchell had to do with the briefing.

 

"I don't know what his agenda is, but let me tell you, it's nothing good. I'm afraid he's planning something big. He could drag Jim into it."

 

"I am afraid I do not understand. If you are concerned about Captain Mitchell, should you not investigate him further?"

 

"It's not like Mitchell is bragging about it. I just know he's up to something. You know what ship was first assigned to help the Pegasus?"

 

"Given the topic of conversation, I daresay it was the USS Archimedes." Spock tried to make sense of this new information. Mitchell was insistent on taking Kirk, and he transferred Riley to the Enterprise. However, his motivations were unclear so far. How could Mitchell have known that the mine walls were weak and that the Pegasus crew had damaged them enough to cause the tragedy?

 

"That's right. Mitchell said he couldn't do it and he used a stupid excuse… he suggested we send the Enterprise. I don't know what he plans, Spock, but watch out. We are keeping him under surveillance, but so far we have nothing on him. Keep your distance for him, he's looking for trouble."

 

Spock did not need to be told twice. He would meditate about this, and he would try to find the connection between the recent events to discover Mitchell's hidden intentions.

 

* * *

 

Everyone was beaming aboard after the shore leave. It was satisfying to hear the Admiralty say that they were doing a 'fine job' and performing even better than expected. As Spock entered the turbolift, he saw Mister Kirk already heading to the Bridge.

 

"Good afternoon, Commander."

 

"Good afternoon, Captain."

 

They were silent for a brief moment and Spock wondered if leaving things unsaid was the best course of action. So far Spock had acted normally and it was working. The Commander felt comfortable and he was acting more like himself than he had for the last month; but they still had not discussed anything that happened during Mister Kirk's grieving. Perhaps Spock should say something, but when he was about to speak, Kirk cleared his throat.

 

"Captain… I wanted to thank you for everything you did. I'm really grateful for being able to serve under your command. You are an exceptional Captain."

 

Spock did not know exactly what motivated Kirk's speech, but he felt something in his chest at hearing it. And he should also remind Kirk of his true value. He should tell him not to go away, that the Enterprise needed him… that he needed him… as his first. He should tell him.

 

"Mister Kirk, I would not be adverse to you calling me by my given name. I noticed that you have ceased doing so and I wanted to assure you that I do not mind." He could not tell him that. Not yet. He had to change things so Kirk would not even consider going to the USS Pegasus in the future. And for that, Spock would have to work hard. He would tell Kirk when they reached a new stage in their friendship. It seemed like they had to start over.

 

"Oh… okay, but then you have to do the same with me. You have to call me Jim."

 

Spock would not do any such thing, but he nodded instead of voicing his thoughts. It did not hurt the Commander to feel more comfortable; Spock had different responsibilities, however. Perhaps in the future, when they were of the same rank, he could call him Jim.

 

He would look forward to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Especial thanks to my amazing beta, Anbessette, and thank you Darkgirl5 for lending me a hand in this chapter too, you’re wonderful!


	13. Chapter 4A: "Magis esse quam videri oportet"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What the hell does that mean?" Mister Kirk asked, taking the words right out of Spock's mouth, although he had been thinking of something more formal.
> 
> "Uh… I'm not sure… they say the Captain has to step into the sacred chamber, and then if he accepts his true nature, they will sign the treaty."
> 
> "And if he doesn't?" Kirk frowned.
> 
> "He could die."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter four will be fluffy and perhaps a little bit weird. It answers a particular plot someone asked for, you'll see what I mean (I don't want to spoil the surprise or shock). I hope you enjoy it!

Jim felt almost like the last month had been a bad dream. He knew it was real, yet he wasn't feeling as sad as he'd expected to, and the crew was back to normal as well. Sure, they still talked about Jim's pictures (being extremely careful that Spock didn't hear them), but Jim had no problem with that. He was going to get back at Bones for that, and it would be epic. Maybe it could be like a goodbye present for the crew when he requested his promotion.

His promotion… Jim had thought at first that his time on the Enterprise would feel eternal; now they were seven months into the mission, and he was close to obtaining what he wanted. At times like this, when he was laughing and listening to Chekov and Sulu joking about whether he or Uhura would be a better Miss Starfleet, he wondered if the promotion was what he really wanted. He tried to maintain a good working environment and it turned out he cared for every person on the ship. He cared, and he would miss them. No other crew would come close to this one.

But he wanted to be the youngest Captain in the fleet, and he could still accomplish that if he got command of a ship when he was twenty six. And it wasn't like he would forget everyone. He could call and see how they were doing. Bones was his best friend, if he couldn't take him with him at least they would maintain contact, and he could probably work with Spock on some complicated mission. It wasn't like he would be losing everyone forever when he got the promotion.

Nevertheless, it felt like that.

Spock was briefing him about this new mission. Starfleet wanted as many planets as they could have in their hands as allies. Jim knew the Admiralty was planning something; they were pushing the Enterprise to be a diplomatic ship, and Jim thought that it was for political reasons. After all, having a Captain who was Vulcan opened a lot of doors. He didn't like the way Komack hinted that they  _must_  have this planet as an ally; it sounded more like 'you better get the treaty signed or else'.

On top of that, this civilization was weird. They were very traditionalist and they didn't have much information available about how they should handle the negotiations. They communicated through noises, and Uhura was trying very hard to get the pattern of the sounds and translate the basic meaning. Jim had tried to help but eventually he got a headache and Uhura kicked him out of her station and sent him to Sickbay.

Spock felt confident, or at least Jim got that impression. He said that as long as they acted neutrally, without looking menacing, they would be successful in the mission. Jim wasn't sure, but he went with the flow.

"I think Uhura, Bones and Cravers should beam down with me." Jim felt a lump in his throat when he said Cravers' name; if Kevin hadn't died… no point in thinking about it now.

"I will beam down with the landing party." Spock lifted his eyebrow like he was daring Jim to defy his orders. And of course Jim would do it. Captain and First Officer couldn't both beam down unless it was necessary, and it wasn't. This was getting pretty old pretty fast.

"I can handle the negotiations; Uhura will be there to keep me in line. Have you noticed the size of the heels she wears? She could kill me if she wanted to."

"I know you are capable of handling the negotiations, however I want to accompany the landing party."

"For what purpose?" Oh, no, Jim wasn't letting Spock get away with this so easily.

"It is a new civilization. The Admiralty was very clear as to the necessity of getting the treaty signed and I am the Captain. My absence could be labeled as disrespectful."

"I'm sure we can explain that I'm also part of the command. They won't mind having the negotiations with me."

"Are we going to have this discussion every time, Commander?" Spock looked like he wanted to sigh. Jim barely contained his smirk. He was the only one who could make Spock this frustrated. It was fun.

"Apparently we are, Captain." Jim smiled widely, knowing well that Spock only asked out of habit as he was fully aware that they  _were having_  this discussion every time. It was a bad case of déjà vu.

"Very well. I am beaming down with the landing party; I will request that you stay on the ship."

"What? Why? If you want to beam down, fine, I don't agree, but you're in charge. I don't see why I have to stay."

"Someone has to assume command of the ship in my absence. You are the First Officer. Logically, it should be you."

"Oh, no, you're not throwing that argument out and expecting me to agree with it. Sulu will take the conn while we're gone."

Spock looked at Jim with uncertainty, making him a little bit edgy.

"What?" Jim couldn't help but ask.

"I am curious, Commander. You seem to want Mister Sulu in charge every time we have to beam down. Mister Scott is more experienced, I think he could handle the conn as well as Mister Sulu."

Spock was right. In fact, Jim was supposed to leave Scotty in charge since he had a higher rank; but he was trying to familiarize Sulu with the Command team. He was his replacement after all, and he had to be prepared for when Jim stepped down. He couldn't tell Spock that, though. They were acting like Jim hadn't hinted at his promotion at the end of the first year, and he wasn't stupid enough to bring the subject up again.

"Of course," Jim said "but it doesn't hurt for the bridge crew to get familiarized with the command. Imagine if there was an emergency and Scotty wasn't available … they need to be ready for those scenarios, you don't know what could happen."

Spock arched both eyebrows and Jim knew what that meant: 'I don't buy it, but I'll let it go for now'.

"Indeed, I do not know."

"So… are you beaming down then?"

"It seems that we are both beaming down."

Jim didn't say anything else because he had already made Spock let go of his request that he stay on the ship. If he kept pushing to see if he could get Spock stay it could be received unfavorably right now. Both of them beaming down was better than Jim staying on the ship.

* * *

As expected, the negotiations were difficult given the language barrier. Spock noted that Lieutenant Uhura was very proficient at learning the peculiar way of communicating the natives had, and she was handling the direct attention the natives were giving her since nobody else was very skilled at this kind of communication. Spock took this time to carefully observe the surroundings. It was literally a blue planet. Everything was blue, including the natives. They were sitting in front of a blue table, and they kept glancing at Mister Kirk oddly; apparently red was threatening for them, and even after Lieutenant Uhura explained the misunderstanding, they kept looking at Mister Kirk as if he was dangerous. Spock tried to make the Commander beam back to the ship, but the natives saw this as a risk since he could beam back to fetch weapons. It was peculiar how they seemed so fearful; supposedly this was the first time this planet had made contact with outsiders. It was something he had to consider. Kirk volunteered to stay half undressed to avoid the distrust of the natives, however Spock made it very clear that this was not necessary. Commander Kirk's lack of decorum was not surprising – he often took his shirt off without any logical reason, like when he was training with the security team or when he was having an argument with Doctor McCoy over bruises and injures. Kirk had once thrown his shirt at McCoy's head in the middle of the mess hall. This was something Spock would never understand about Kirk.

Spock knew this was another race with empathic abilities, very similar to Betazoids. It was remarkable how Spock, being a touch telepath, couldn't sense anything; they had strong barriers and Spock, even when he tried, was not able to feel a single glimpse of anything.

Lieutenant Uhura made a strange noise, and then diverted her attention to them.

"They don't understand very well what it means to be a part of the Federation, but they aren't opposed to it," she said, smiling.

"Great! I can't take more glaring from these blue fellows," Mister Kirk muttered, knowing perfectly well he was being observed.

"They're more afraid of you than you are of them," Nyota sighed. "There's just one detail…"

Nyota looked at Spock with a sort of apprehension.

"Yes?" Spock asked because it did not seem like Nyota would say anything anytime soon.

"They only will agree to this if our leader 'accepts his true nature'."

Everyone's eyes were now on Spock, including the natives'.

"What the hell does that mean?" Mister Kirk asked, taking the words right out of Spock's mouth, although he had been thinking of something more formal.

"Uh… I'm not sure… they say the Captain has to step into the sacred chamber, and then if he accepts his true nature, they will sign the treaty."

"And if he doesn't?" Kirk frowned.

"He could die."

Spock never thought he would witness something like this. Mister Kirk started gaping; he assumed Kirk was trying to form a coherent thought. Nyota was looking at him with fear and Mister Cravers was reaching for his weapon, probably because he was expecting Mister Kirk to give the order to start shooting 'anything that moves', as Kirk was fond of saying.

"I accept," Spock said before Kirk could react.

"WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?" Mister Kirk moved his hands wildly.

The natives retreated, like they expected Kirk to attack.

"Commander, they don't react well to yelling," Nyota said calmly, smiling at the natives in a way Spock supposed was intended to made them feel comfortable.

"Mister Kirk, the Admiralty made clear that our goal was to make this planet our ally. If they want to do this ritual, then I will endeavor to fulfill my duty as Captain." Spock tried to reason with the Commander, knowing all too well that it would be futile.

"And it's my job to protect you, so if Uhura says you have to do some kind of ceremony where we don't even know if they'll stab you to see 'your true nature', I have to tell you it's stupid." Mister Kirk glared at Spock. "I'm not letting you do this, Captain."

Spock arched an eyebrow at Mister Kirk. Honestly, this human got stubborn at the most imprudent moments.

"I mean it," Kirk said defiantly.

Spock knew he was serious. He would cause a revolt if he had to and Spock had to think of something to make Kirk concede to this.

"Maybe if I ask what the ritual involves then you can decide," Nyota suggested.

"Please proceed, Lieutenant," Spock requested before Kirk could say anything else.

While Nyota exchanged information with the natives, Kirk kept looking at Spock weirdly. It was making him uncomfortable. It was almost like Mister Kirk wanted to read Spock's mind and learn what he was thinking. Spock had never felt so uneasy about a stare as he did right now with Kirk's blue eyes fixated on him.

"They say there are no weapons of any sort. They have this magic rock, and it sees the true nature of living things; if someone doesn't accept that, then the rock transforms the person into something that would make him or her more open to seeing his or her essence. They say nobody's died… so far, and it's a great honor…"

"Well, tell them what they can do with their 'great honor'," Mister Kirk spat.

"Mister Kirk, it is statistically impossible for me to die, as Nyota has told us, and it is our mission to welcome this planet into the Federation." Spock looked at Kirk coldly.

"First, she said no-one's died 'so far', so you could be their first deceased in this stupid thing. Second, what if they transform you into a mug? How am I going to explain to the Admiralty that the Captain of the Enterprise is a mug because it's his true nature, huh?" If Kirk was not so agitated, Spock would have thought he was joking.

"I am sure my 'true nature' is not a small container for beverages, Mister Kirk. Arguing will not change my mind. I am accepting their conditions."

"I'm sure it will be okay, Commander," Nyota said carefully.

"Fine, I'm going with you."

"You can't go, only the Captain," said Nyota.

"You are not," said Spock at the same time as Nyota. Both earned a glare from Kirk.

"Captain, I'm going, I don't care what you say."

"I am giving you a direct order, Mister Kirk. You are in charge while I proceed with this ritual. If something goes wrong, the Enterprise needs someone in command."

"You suck at convincing people, you know that?" Kirk bit his lip, like he was torn about what he should do. "Uhura, are you sure I can't do the ritual instead of the Captain?"

"When we introduced ourselves we made it clear who our leader was. I'm sorry Commander," Nyota seemed worried as well.

"Lieutenant, please inform the natives that I have accepted their request."

As soon as Nyota made a few noises, the natives got up quickly and clasped their hands together, probably in excitement.

"I don't like this, Captain," Mister Kirk said bitterly.

Spock said nothing. It was pleasant to know that Mister Kirk cared this much, however it was also a bother on occasion. Spock himself was not concerned about this course of action. The information available about this race indicated that they were pacifists, and this ritual must be something subjective. He calculated the risk involved and it was below ten point five percent. Kirk worried unnecessarily.

"Captain, they expect you to go inside that room." Nyota pointed to the left and Spock noticed a dark blue door. He was sure that door had not been there before.

"Very well." Spock stood up and Mister Kirk did as well.

"I'm walking you there," he said. "If I'm not stopping you, at least I'm making sure I hear the screams."

As they walked past the natives, Spock noticed how they slowly retreated, probably because of Mister Kirk and his red shirt.

"I believe you are exaggerating, Commander. There will be no screams."

"You don't know." Kirk sighed. "Being your First Officer is really tiring, Spock."

"I can relate to the sentiment, having a Second in Command who questions every decision I make is also tiring."

"You know I do it because I care, right?" Kirk frowned, looking at Spock with uncertainty.

"I do. I assume that if our positions were reversed, I would do the same, except I would be less stubborn and more proper."

"I think you would freak even more than me," Mister Kirk smirked.

When they stood in front of the door, Kirk patted Spock's shoulder in what the Vulcan assumed was some sort of moral support. He stepped in without looking back, fearing that if he did, he would have second thoughts. Spock could not deny that Mister Kirk was persuasive.

The last thing Spock saw when he entered the room was a bright light and then it all became hazy.

Jim was pacing back and forth in front of the door, like that would make it open faster. It had been a while since Spock entered the room and they hadn't heard anything yet.

"Commander, you're making me dizzy," Uhura said with a small smile. "I'm sure the Captain is fine."

"We don't know that. Cravers, get ready, we may need to blast this door down."

"Jim!" Uhura hissed, getting closer to him. "Spock said clearly that we shouldn't interfere."

"He's been in there for almost an hour, Uhura! If he doesn't come out in five minutes, we are tearing this door down, we are getting him and we are getting away from this planet as fast as Scotty can manage it."

Uhura opened her mouth to reply when they heard a small noise and turned around quickly. One of the natives made strange noises and Uhura let out a breath of relief.

"It's done, and he's fine."

Jim felt something in his stomach when he heard this, and he leaped towards the door, trying to stick to the 'no strangers allowed into the room' rule. He expected to see Spock bleeding, or bruised or limping.

When they saw the figure exit the room, Jim wasn't sure if he was hallucinating.

"Uhura…" he said in a small voice.

"I see it too," she confirmed.

In front of them was a small male figure with pointed ears and eyes filled with fear.

Jim was unable to move from his place, eyes fixed in the small figure in front of them trying to cover himself with what it looked like a big blanket; Jim assumed he was naked under it and wondered how the natives had managed to get Spock out of his Captain's uniform. Uhura also was wide-eyed while Cravers made a few strangled noises.

"Um…" Jim didn't know what to say. The kid looked like he was about to cry, or lash out; maybe both.

"Where is my mother?" the kid asked with a trembling voice. Jim didn't know what the kid was thinking, but at least he didn't seem like he was going to do anything foolish, like running away and making Jim tackle him down.

Jim glanced at Uhura, noticing how she paled immediately.

"Can you tell me your name first?" Jim said, since apparently he was the only one with the ability to speak at the moment.

"Spock. Who are you?"

Spock was a child and he still didn't say his full name out lout. This was a bad moment for Jim to be noticing that kind of thing. The main point: Spock was a child.  _Priorities, Jim_ , he thought to himself.

"I'm James Kirk. I'm…"

Before Jim could say anything else, Spock collapsed and Jim thanked his amazing reflexes because he was able to catch him before he hit the ground and hurt himself. It was weird having a small Vulcan in his arms and knowing it was Spock. Spock, who looked far too innocent for this kind of shit.

"I got him," he reassured Uhura. "Ask those nut jobs what the hell happened."

Uhura did what she was told, probably sensing that Jim wasn't in the mood for a diplomatic argument. As Jim rearranged Spock in his arms, he felt a small glimmer of happiness. It was uncanny, he must be in the twilight zone right now. He'd never thought that when he touched Spock it would be in this scenario. Not that he imagined touching Spock, it was only because the Ambassador had left things in his head and it wasn't like Jim wanted them there, and Spock was all rigid about personal space and accidental touches. True, Spock  _had_  touched him when he was trying to give him comfort when he told him about Tarsus, but this didn't even begin to compare. He'd better stop this train of thought.

"Commander, I can carry the Captain," volunteered Cravers.

"No." Jim noticed how Cravers looked at him with a frown. He sounded rather possessive. "I can manage it."

"They say that the Captain did well and in this form he will be able to accept his true nature more easily than when he was an adult," Uhura said.

"He did well? Have you seen him? He must be, like, seven! Ask how to reverse this!"

"Um… that's the thing… it can't be reversed until Captain Spock accepts his true nature; then he should be back to normal."

"What? So are we stuck with a kid until he finds out his true nature? What does that even mean?"

"I'm not sure." Uhura frowned.

"Let's go back to the Enterprise; tell them that we need to get Spock to Sickbay and we'll reschedule negotiations for tomorrow morning."

Jim waited until Uhura delivered the message and then noticed the natives moving the small antennae they had on their heads, probablyin agreement. This was great, they got the planet into the Federation and all it cost them was the Captain turning into a child. When Pike heard about this he would die of laughter.

"Scotty, four to beam up, directly to sickbay," Jim ordered, still feeling uneasy about this.

"Are you hurt, Commander Captain?" Scotty's voice echoed.

"No! Why does everyone assume I'm the one hurt on every damn mission?" Jim sighed. "Never mind."

"Aye, four to beam up."

The last thing Jim saw as they disappeared was the natives making weird noises. They were probably happy to see that their stupid rock could transform people into children; talking about the source of eternal youth.

* * *

"What the hell?"

Bones' voice was the first thing Jim heard in Sickbay. When he turned around, he saw his friend and Nurse Chapel looking at them with surprise.

"Why are you here? Did you hurt yourself?" Bones grabbed the nearest Tricorder and walked up to him.

"No. And I'm getting offended that everyone thinks that," Jim complained.

Bones then noticed that Jim was carrying something covered in a blanket.

"Did you steal another kid, Jim?" Bones frowned. "Because if you want to be a father, you can adopt or knock someone up, you don't need to be stealing children from every planet we visit."

"Well, in this case, this kid is ours," Jim said with a snort.

"What do you mean, 'ours'? Spock's and yours?" Bones looked genuinely confused.

Uhura got closer to Jim and took a small corner of the blanket, pulling it down and revealing the child's face.

"What's that? A Vulcan? Did they have a Vulcan there?"

"This is Spock, Bones," Jim said carefully.

"Don't fuck with me! This can't be Spock, this is a child!"

"It's true," Uhura confirmed. "He was in a ritual… and somehow they turned him into a child."

"Somehow…" Bones muttered. "Stupid space missions. Fine, put him gently on that bed."

Jim did what he was told, avoiding waking Spock. He felt the absence in his arms as soon as he put him on the bed, and it felt wrong. This was really weird.

"Why is he naked?" Bones asked as he passed a Tricorder over Spock's arms.

"We don't know. He entered clothed, he came out naked and… how old is he?"

"According to this, nine years old." Bones frowned.

"I thought he was, like, seven," Jim said. "He was really short."

"Well, adolescence is our best friend sometimes," Bones smirked.

Jim noticed how Cravers and Chapel were murmuring.

"Cravers, go with the security team, and no word of this to anyone, understood? When we sort this out, we'll inform the rest. Until then…" Jim was reluctant to say this, but he knew it was protocol. "Uhura, inform the crew that I'm acting Captain; tell them that we had a problem with the mission and Captain Spock is in Sickbay. He's fine, he just needs to rest. We'll clear things up later."

"Yes, Commander." Uhura walked out of Sickbay followed by Cravers.

"Let me call M'Benga. He's the alien here."

"I bet he thinks the same thing about you," Jim smiled.

Jim looked at Spock while Bones went for M'Benga. He seemed so innocent like this; he must have been a really happy child. Jim envied that a little bit. He didn't have a terrible childhood, but he'd always wondered what his life could have been if his father hadn't died or his mother had acted more normally. Sam always thought that their crappy childhood was the best example of bad parenthood. He always blamed their mother for what happened; Jim was happy to see that Sam gave his children everything he hadn't gotten, and avoided making the same mistakes they had lived through. He was brave for daring to raise children, Jim honestly didn't think they were capable of that. Jim preferred to avoid finding out if he could be as brave as Sam. He wouldn't screw up a child's life trying to be brave and find out if he could pull it off. He'd already screwed up Kevin's life.

Jim came back to reality when he saw Spock blink. Since he didn't do it again for a few seconds, Jim thought he had imagined it, but then the child blinked again. Jim glanced around. He was alone, how was he supposed to deal with a nine year old? Worse, a nine year old Vulcan… He didn't even know what he was supposed to say. He noticed Spock trying to sit up, so he helped him out and covered him with the blanket.

"Hi there."  _Smooth, Jim,_  he thought bitterly. "How are you feeling?"

Spock only blinked at him without answering.

"Do you know who I am?"

"James Kirk," Spock said quietly.

"So do you remember me?"

"No, I do not have any memory of you but the one where you said your name. Where is my mother?"

"Um… Spock…"

"Why am I unclothed?" Spock's cheeks were tinted green and Jim would have thought it was adorable if it wasn't so creepy.

"Oh… well… you see… Look Spock, I'm going to tell you the truth. Maybe you'll think I'm crazy, but keep an open mind, okay?"

Spock looked hesitant but he nodded anyway, and Jim took a deep breath.

"We are aboard the USS Enterprise; we serve Starfleet, and…"

"Commander Kirk," Uhura interrupted Jim, approaching them quickly. "May I speak with you privately?"

"Lieutenant, I'm rather busy here," he said, knowing that glare from Uhura. She didn't approve of what Jim was doing.

"Please, sir, it will be only a moment."

"Very well." Jim noticed Bones and M'Benga standing nearby. "Bones, please give Spock a set of clothing."

"Gold?" Bones asked with glee. He was enjoying this too much.

"Black will be fine for now," Jim said calmly. "I'll be right back, Spock. This is Doctor Leonard McCoy, he's the CMO of the ship. He seems grumpy, but he's okay most of the time." Jim smiled warmly.

"That's more like something we can say about you, jerk." Bones glared at him.

Seeing Spock go rigid, Jim sighed. He was a child with no previous memory of this place. He must see the friendly banter between him and Bones as a fight.

"Commander?" Uhura prompted.

"Doctor McCoy and Doctor M'Benga will take care of you, Spock. This won't take long."

Uhura frowned at the unsaid message: Whatever your objection is, I don't care and I'm doing things my way.

"You are safe with Doctor McCoy and Doctor M'Benga," Jim said cheerfully, trying to transmit as much ease as he could to Spock.

Spock didn't look like he believed him, but he shyly nodded again.

As Jim was being dragged away to Bones' office, he glanced back and noticed Spock looking at him with some sort of discomfort, like wanted to follow Jim. This was really messed up, he'd better focus on how to convince Uhura of his decision without saying 'Because I'm acting Captain and I say so'. He didn't have a lot of options besides that one.

When Uhura closed the door, she looked at him with a scowl.

"Are you telling Spock the truth?" Uhura didn't waste time in speaking her mind.

"Yes. We can't explain why he's on a strange ship without his parents. He's scared and alone, he needs to understand the circumstances."

"He's a child, Commander!"

"A Vulcan child," Jim defended.

"Nevertheless, still a child. Telling him about…"

Then Jim understood where Uhura was going with this. She thought Jim was going to share all the details with Spock, including the destruction of Vulcan and the death of his mother. Even Jim knew that was shitty, he wouldn't do that to a child.

"I'm telling him about his post here and about Starfleet, okay?" Jim said.

"And do you think it will be enough?"

"It has to be."

"I don't think it's for the best. Spock isn't ready to know about his post and his life."

"He's a smart child. Believe me, adults tricking children into believing stupid stories is a big mistake. I'm telling him the truth."

"But this is a lot to deal with, he's only a kid!"

Jim was about to make a retort when he heard someone opening the door. It was Bones, looking at them with a grin.

"In case you two have forgotten, I must remind you that Spock's hearing is better than yours and he probably overheard everything you just said."

Jim paled. They had been talking a little loudly, and glancing at Spock he knew he'd heard them when he kept looking at them with uncertainty through the open door.

"And if I heard you," Bones continued "he must have."

"I'm doing it, Uhura," Jim said calmly, getting out the door.

Jim knew it was normal for Uhura to feel anxious about telling the truth to a nine year old; but she would have to trust Jim on this one. She was worried about Spock, and Jim sympathized; it wasn't like he was looking to hurt the kid, he just wanted to avoid the lies and deceit. He remembered when he was a child, and every time an adult told him something he knew was a lie, he did something illegal, wrong and stupid. Spock deserved to at least be treated with consideration in this mess; he was the one suffering the most, being stuck with a bunch of strangers. If Jim had been in that situation, he would have destroyed Sickbay already. Good thing Spock was Vulcan and had more control… or at least Jim hoped so.

"Spock, did you hear what Lieutenant Uhura and I said?" Jim asked as soon as he got close enough to the child, now dressed entirely in black.

"My hearing is better than humans'." This was Spock's confirmation, then. This hadn't changed the way he avoided giving direct answers, it must be in his genes.

"All right then. You see Spock, like I said, we are aboard the USS Enterprise. You have heard about Starfleet, right?"

"My father has spoken of it and I am learning about the Federation in detail at school."

"That helps… well, we are aboard of one of Starfleet's finest vessels, and… you're the Captain of said vessel." Jim had thought of different ways to tell Spock the truth, but none seemed right. Bluntness was his specialty; in this case it could be good.

"Impossible. I am a child. I could not have finished the basic training at my young age." Spock looked at Jim like he was crazy. Well, he wasn't that far wrong.

"True. It's just… you are an adult, Spock. We were on a mission, and when you did this ritual they… got you back to this age. We don't know exactly how… what's the last thing you remember?"

Spock blinked and tilted his head, apparently trying to evoke his last memory.

"I was in the garden with my mother…" Spock frowned and Jim was amazed. This Spock was so easy to read, perhaps because he still hadn't had his training in masking emotions and become a complete robot. "… I do not remember what happened after…"

"Maybe it's a secondary effect of the ritual," Jim thought out loud, but he knew Spock couldn't have memories he hadn't experienced yet.

"I believe you are right." Spock looked at him, doubtful. "If I am the Captain of this vessel… I assume you are a crew member as well."

"Yes, I'm your First Officer, but I would like to think that we are also friends." Jim smiled kindly. It could be easier to deal with Spock if he thought they were friends.

"Friends?" Spock arched an eyebrow. The resemblance to the adult version was uncanny.

"Um, yes." Jim kept the smile. Could Spock read his mind and see him hesitate? "I know that right now I must be really old to be considered your friend, but you can trust me."

"I never had a friend before," Spock said in a low voice, and Jim's heart broke a little at hearing it. "It is pleasant to know that I overcame my social incapacity and managed to make a friend."

"You have a lot of friends here, Spock," Jim said without knowing why he had to reassure the kid so firmly. "Lieutenant Uhura is one of your best friends, you can trust her too"

"Is she the lady who did not want to tell me the truth?"

"Oh…" Jim was right. Smart kids couldn't be fooled. "Yeah, she was just trying to protect you, she didn't mean any harm."

"I am familiar with human females lying for noble reasons and justifying it as protection," Spock said in a matter-of-fact tone that Jim recognized right away. It was the tone adult Spock used when Jim thought he was been condescending. "I do appreciate your honesty, Mister Kirk. I am glad you seem to know me better than the Lieutenant and acknowledge my need for information even in my current predicament."

Spock sounded like he was happy with Jim telling him the truth; Jim felt like he was damned. He was not the right person for Spock to put his trust in. Uhura was the one he should be confiding in and she should be the one reassuring him. Speaking of Uhura, he turned around to look for her but she was nowhere in sight. Bones shrugged, leaning into his office's door.

"Call me Jim, Spock. We're friends, remember?" Jim said after a while, seeing that it was pointless to avoid this new development. Maybe he could obtain something juicy for the next time Spock got stubborn and wanted to beam down with the landing party. Although Jim doubted that Spock would be able to refute 'you could turn into a nine year old' as a reason to stay in future.

"Thank you, Jim." It was the first time Spock had said his name, and Jim felt a small pang in his chest. "What will happen to me now that I am incapacitated and unable to remember anything from my adult life?"  _Including my training_ went unsaid but Jim knew Spock was thinking it.

"Right now I'm acting Captain since I'm your First. I was thinking of asking the natives on the planet about a way to reverse what their magic rock did and have you returned to your adult self in no time. Is that okay with you?"

"You are the Captain at this moment. You can do whatever you think is best without my consent," Spock said in a low voice. Jim noticed that Spock had issues with adults not asking him what he wanted. He could join the club. Maybe it didn't matter about race, adults were all complete idiots around children.

"I would still like to hear what you think. It's important to me to know if you're fine with what I've decided." Jim thought that if he was in Spock's place, he would like to see that they respected his opinion even when he was a child. It felt right doing this, though it was unorthodox because Spock was right. Jim was Captain right now, he could order the Enterprise to spin around until everyone was dizzy and they would have to do it.

But this was a great opportunity to show Spock that he was capable of managing things when he needed to; with luck, Spock would remember this when he converted back to adult and it would help to get a recommendation from him when they reached the first year and Jim asked for his promotion.

"I believe is the best course of action," Spock said finally, pulling Jim out of his thoughts; he was painfully formal even when he was nine, being a Vulcan must be really boring.

"All right then… do you have any questions?"

"May I talk with my parents? Perhaps they would have better insight in this situation than myself."

Jim felt his heart pounding fast. Damn Uhura, she'd known this would happen. Jim considered all his options, and none included telling Spock the truth about his planet and his mother.

"I'm afraid it's not possible at the moment… we have an ion storm messing with our communication devices and we're unable to contact other signals." Jim didn't know how he'd invented that but he hoped Spock bought it.

"I see."

"But as soon as we can make contact I'll tell you and we can talk with your father, okay?"

Jim cringed on the inside; he'd lied to Spock when the kid trusted him entirely; he felt like an ass, but it was better than telling Spock everything. He was a child, how was he supposed to take hearing that his mother had died when his last memory was of her being all loving and caring with him? It was better this way; he'd inform everyone about this and ban Spock from every terminal until he blocked all available information about Vulcan. Spock was a smart child; Jim had been a smart child too, he could pretty much guess Spock's next logical move in his search for information, and he could anticipate measures to avoid any information leaks. He'd hacked the Kobayashi Maru after all; he knew how Spock's mind worked with machines.

After Tarsus Jim had kept the trait of thinking the worst and then analyzing potential solutions to the problem. In this case, the worst thing that could happen was that they wouldn't find a way to reverse this, then Jim would have no choice but contact Spock's father and tell him about the incident. As he saw Spock in his adult form and wearing a blue uniform hugging a Kirk in gold, he shook his head to send the image away and Jim suddenly remembered that he had a way to understand how Spock was thinking… the Ambassador. He could tell him how to deal with a nine year old Vulcan, and right now he needed a lot of guidance with this.

"Jim?" Spock tilted his head with curiosity.

"Right… so maybe I should go to the Bridge and tell the crew about what we just discussed."

Spock hopped down from the bed, standing next to Jim, clearly saying 'lead the way then'. He had that look that adult Spock used when he was daring Jim to defy him. He had to be careful about how to handle the kid. He didn't want to upset him (as he enjoyed upsetting the adult version), but he also had to make it clear that he  _was_  a child, and hence, he was banned from the Bridge.

"I think it's better if you stay here, Spock," Jim said calmly.

"I am not currently injured or feeling unwell, I have no reason to stay in a medical facility."

"Well, that's not true. Bones is going to examine you, and I'll be back in a while, okay?"

Spock frowned, he actually frowned and Jim was astonished; when Spock got back to his adult self, he would deny everything. For a nine year old, Spock had enormous control over his emotions. For a nine year old  _Vulcan_ … his face betrayed him completely.

"Doctor McCoy already did a medical examination," Spock said in what Jim knew was a defiant tone. He let out a breath; this was going to be hard.

"He needs to do more tests."

"Really?" Bones finally joined in the conversation and Jim should have guessed it would be just to screw him. "I wasn't aware of that, Jim. Are you a doctor too?"

" _Bones,_ " Jim warned because this wasn't the time to mess around. He had terminals to block.

"He's right," Bones conceded, probably because he saw Jim's face and he knew he was about to freak out. "Since you were an adult last time, I have to update your chart."

"This is going to be on my medical chart?" Spock arched an eyebrow.

"Everything that happens on this ship is documented, kid; including voodoo shrinking," Bones said in an amused tone.

"I was not 'shrunk', I am a child, my size is proportional to my age and race." Spock sounded offended. Apparently Bones and Spock couldn't get along even in this scenario.

"Jim thought you were short," Bones bit out.

Spock immediately turned his attention to Jim; great, now he was in the middle of this fight. It was unexpected because Spock was a Vulcan child and Bones was an adult. They were both supposed to be more mature.

"Um… I just… look, never mind, I haven't seen a child in a while, I was probably just surprised, that's all. I'll leave now, Spock."

"Will you come back?" Spock looked fearful; Jim wanted to hug him and never let go, which was a terrible idea and borderline pathological.

"Sure, I have to show you your room and everything. I think you will enjoy going with me more than if your Yeoman gives you the big tour." Jim flashed his biggest smile, the one that made every girl throw herself into his bed. In this case, of course, he was dealing with a kid and he didn't expect the same effect, but if it made Spock feel less edgy about this, it was worth it.

After he saw Spock's hesitant nod, he knew he still had the touch. He gave Bones a warning glare, and Bones just showed him the middle finger. Honestly, his friend's physical communication was as rude as the vocal kind. The first thing Jim did when he left the Sickbay was order Uhura to send every head of department into the conference room. He would update Bones later; right now he needed to tell everyone how they would be dealing with this situation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time doing the deaged thing, so bear with me; I think this chapter was a little bit fuzzy, but the next one will have more sense (at least that's what I'm aiming for). 
> 
> I know we all are aware by now that I would be totally lost without my amazing beta Anbessette, so kudos to her and her wonderful help.
> 
> And also, I'm on tumblr now (http://itsblasttothepast.tumblr.com/), if anyone is interested. I'm just starting, but I think I can be fun to hang around!


	14. Chapter 4B: Potius sero quam nunquam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "What?" Jim said, losing all his endurance to the stare.
> 
> "My apologies." Spock met his eyes again. "It is just… bemusing, seeing you."
> 
> "Oh, I can't be that bad!" Jim joked but he couldn't deny that it stung a little.
> 
> "I am afraid you misunderstood me," Spock said with conviction. "I only meant that it was bemusing seeing you in that uniform."

Spock was still wary of the current situation. At first he thought he had been abducted from his house; his father was an ambassador and he was probably a good target for several groups who intended to make a political statement. Even more so than his mother, given that he was the first hybrid child. Vulcans did not truly accept him, but they would do something if he was kidnapped. However, after hearing Jim's explanation, he believed what he had said. It was illogical since he did not know of a device that could convert living things to an earlier stage of development, but this was one of the reasons why Starfleet had always caught his attention. He planned on joining if he was not accepted by the Vulcan Science Academy, and apparently he had not been since he was Captain of this vessel. This caused a small pang of disappointment in Spock. Joining the Academy would have been an incredible accomplishment, particularly when everyone thought he was not capable of doing it given his 'disadvantage'. Perhaps they were right.

"You seem like a healthy nine year old Vulcan," Doctor McCoy said in what sounded like a resigned tone.

Spock did not know what to say to this statement; he remained silent as he watched the doctor ruminate out loud about what Spock assumed was a failed mission. The good doctor was using curse words that were inappropriate given his rank, yet he did not seem to mind. Healers were highly respected on Vulcan for the noble labor they performed, however the people there had not encountered a human healer. He doubted that someone would have that kind of respect for a doctor who acted the way McCoy did.

Reflecting on his situation again, he wondered why was not he more apprehensive about what was happening. True, he believed Jim's story, and it made sense in an odd way; still, the facts remained the same. He was a child on an unknown ship without any memory of his training or his future life. As much as it pained him to admit it, he needed his mother's guidance to feel secure; although Jim filled that role in this moment, even if he was not aware of it. The human had this warm energy like his mother, it made Spock feel comfortable. And the human was his friend. _His_ friend, when he had already reconciled himself to the fact that he would always be alone and had convinced himself that he did not needed any social reinforcement. That he finally had someone who was entirely his made him feel happy, even when he knew he should not. He had to share his mother with his father, and it was illogical since they were not competing for his mother's attention, but sometimes Spock felt he had to, and then when he did have the attention, he felt overwhelmed. That did not mean he did not want it, though. In this case, a friend meant that Spock had a person in whom he could confine his deepest thoughts and desires, and he would not be judged for them. A friend… Spock tried not to smile at the thought.

He glanced at McCoy, who was still muttering about the mission. Then he said something about Jim, and Spock perked up to hear what he was saying.

"… and leaving me here as a babysitter. Why can't I say 'no' to his stupid pleading baby blue eyes?"

Spock frowned, and then he remembered that McCoy also called Jim by his given name. They must be friends too. As his mother was fond to say 'it was too good to be true' that Jim, with that warmth emanating from him, could have only one friend. How could he be satisfied with Spock's friendship alone when he could get something more suited for a human from another human?

Although, hearing McCoy's tone and rude demeanor, he wondered if he was indeed more suited or Jim just took pity on him. It was clear that the doctor did not have any social skills – not that he should be judging that, but he was a Vulcan. He had a legitimate reason for his social incapacity to bond with others: too Vulcan for humans and too human for Vulcans. McCoy was fully human and probably raised on Earth. Besides, he was an adult, he should behave better than this.

"What?" McCoy looked at him angrily.

Spock tilted his head.

"Of course, I should have guessed you'd be as chatty and charming as you were at twenty eight," McCoy fumed.

"I am twenty eight years old?"

"It's not important anyway." McCoy waved his right hand as a dismissal.

"When will be Jim coming back?"

"He's busy, okay?"

"That does not answer my query."

"Tough luck; it's the only answer you're getting."

This man was infuriating. Spock decided it was best to distract himself until Jim was free to show him the ship, even when that would do nothing to resolve this problem. Jim had said that his last name was 'Kirk'. Could he be related to George Kirk, the Starfleet Captain who died during the Kelvin incident? If he was twenty eight, Jim must be close to that age. Spock started calculating the dates, and found it plausible that Jim was the younger son of George and Winona Kirk. The child who was born when George Kirk died.

To confirm his theory, he had to ask McCoy. If Jim was indeed son of George Kirk, he probably would not appreciate it if Spock asked him questions about it.

"May I ask a question?" Spock said in his best polite voice.

McCoy stopped writing and glanced at him with a frown.

"You can ask, but I don't promise you'll get an answer."

"Very well. Is Jim related to George Kirk?"

"He's his son," answered McCoy after three point five minutes of silence.

"I see."

"You know about what happened?" McCoy got closer to him.

"I read about it. He was a hero, and saved over eight hundred lives. Jim must be proud of him."

"That's not the word I would use, but he sure feels something for his old man," McCoy mused out loud. "Why do you ask, kid?"

"It must be hard for Jim." Spock did not know why he was saying this to McCoy, yet he felt like he could share his thoughts. "He lost his father; I cannot sympathize with the event, however if I were to lose one of my parents, I am afraid it would be very hard to overcome, even with my Vulcan training."

Spock noticed that McCoy's features softened, almost like he understood what he was saying. He was not lying; he had chosen the Vulcan teachings and he was learning to control his emotional responses, but if he lost one of his parents, he would not be prepared for the mourning and the sadness. Perhaps when he grew up he would be ready to let go of the affection he felt for his parents and accept the process as something natural. He did not even like to think about death, as much as his father was fond of talking about it because of his mother. Spock's father always wanted him to understand that he had a human mother who was fragile and that her life expectancy was shorter than that of Vulcans. They would outlive her by many years, and he had to prepare to let her go in peace.

He was not ready to let his parents go, especially not his mother. He felt sadness for Jim, who had to overcome the lost of someone who he did not know.

McCoy ruffled his hair, smiling kindly. He looked completely different and Spock wondered why he did not smile more.

"Jim should be here any minute, kiddo. You wanna help me with the Tricorder? I think it's broken, and you're a nerdy one, perhaps you know how to connect the wires again."

Spock lit up immediately and nodded enthusiastically. Maybe McCoy was not so dreadful after all.

* * *

Jim was getting a headache the size of a spaceship. He knew that as soon as he told the crew what happened to Spock, they would get all curious about it and ask tons of questions. He tried to answer them, but he was getting frustrated.

"All right, you all know how to handle things now, instruct your subordinates about this. If anyone lets slip what happened to Vulcan or hints about Nero in front of Spock, I'll make sure that said person is transferred off the Enterprise to a nice ice planet. Act normally and pretend nothing happened. We expect to find a way to reverse this."

"And if we can't?" Uhura asked in a low voice.

Jim sighed. Uhura just put what everyone was thinking into words.

"Then we decide the best course of action for Spock. Let stay positive, okay? I'm sure we can find a way to fix this. Until then, you know what to do, and your orders have been delivered. This is a delicate matter, handle it as such; dismissed."

Everyone started to leave the room.

"Ensign Chekov, Lieutenant Uhura, please wait a minute. I need to talk to you two."

They exchanged a curious look, but stayed behind watching the rest of the crew leave the conference room. Jim waited a few minutes to make sure they were completely alone and nobody would eavesdrop on what they talked about.

"Chekov, we have to block the terminals; you're the only one who can do it fast enough, and I need you to get on it right now. I sent a file to your personal terminal, it's the code I used to hack the Kobayashi Maru. Use it to create a new one and block the computers on the Enterprise."

"Do you want me to block all the information, Captain?"

It was weird hearing Chekov calling him that. It shouldn't be this satisfying, yet it was. It made him feel great, and this was not a suitable moment to be savoring this.

"Everything related to Nero and what happened to Vulcan. Leave scientific stuff and whatever you think won't affect Spock. This is really important, Chekov, I know you won't screw it up."

"You can count on me, Captain." Chekov beamed and Jim smiled.

"All right, dismissed; let me know when you finish doing it."

"Yes, Captain." Chekov nodded and walked out the room in a hurry. Time was essential.

Uhura looked at him doubtfully, and Jim wasn't sure of how to say this without sounding like a jerk.

"Truce?" he asked first, since Uhura was against the course of action he had decided on.

She shook her head with a small smile.

"Truce," she said finally.

"I need a favor. Can you go with Spock and show him around the ship?"

"I thought you were doing that," Uhura frowned.

"I need to do a few things first, and I really think Spock is better off with you. You are a woman, he was really close to his mother… he probably needs some feminine energy at the moment."

"Oh, I think you have enough 'feminine energy' to spare," Uhura smirked.

"All right, all right. Spock needs to confide in someone, and trust me, I'm not a good candidate for that. He should trust you, and if you spend time with him I'm sure he will be comfortable enough."

"Are you doing this to make Spock more comfortable, or to make you more comfortable?"

If anyone could nail a point without beating around the bush, it was Uhura.

"Can we discuss this later?" Jim pleaded.

"Fine, I'll help you with Spock. You can't avoid him forever, though."

"I'm not trying to." At least this sounded convincing enough. "I just need to take care of something first, okay?"

"Okay."

Jim watched Uhura getting on the lift to go to Sickbay and he felt a small pang of guilt. This was like when Sam said he was going to buy something and he never came back. He'd promised Spock he was returning, but he couldn't deal with a kid without knowing the basics. He ordered the crew not to screw things up, but he was afraid he would be the one making the mistakes he was commanding the rest to avoid.

In the privacy of his quarters, Jim sat down in front of his terminal, feeling anxious. This would be the first time he contacted the Ambassador, and it was only because he had a kid Spock on the ship and he had no idea how to deal with the situation. He wondered if it would be a good time to tell him about the memories … that seemed tactless, it could wait for a better time. It was odd, the Ambassador had given him specific instructions in case he wanted to communicate with him to 'stay in touch'. It was almost like he knew Jim would need his help in the future. Perhaps he knew that Jim would suck at being First Officer, however that thought wasn't all that comforting.

He was about to make the connection when his communicator buzzed. Damn.

"Kirk here."

"Jim, what the hell are you doing?" Bones' voice echoed in the room. "You have a kid waiting here, stop being an idiot and get your ass over here!"

"Nice language. Tell me that Spock isn't there with you."

"He's with Uhura; you should have seen his face when she told him you couldn't give him the tour, he was near tears."

"Really?" Jim's face fell; the last thing he wanted was to make Spock sad. He was a child, and he wasn't at fault here.

"No, you moron! He's a Vulcan! Still, he was upset, I saw it immediately. He doesn't want to go with Uhura, he wants to wait for you."

"What? No, no, no… tell him that this will take me a while…"

"Tell him yourself, the kid just barged into my office. Didn't I tell you to stay with the Lieutenant, Spock?" Jim could hear Bones' snappish tone.

"You said that you were going to talk with Jim and ask him if he was well. I wanted to be informed." Jim could picture Spock fidgeting in Bones' office.

"He's fine. He's stupid, but he's fine."

"Hey!" Jim had to step in because Spock could get scared again by Bones' manners.

"Are you well, Jim?" Oh, God. The kid sounded genuinely worried, which made Jim feel worse.

"I'm fine Spock. I have to do something and it could take me a while. Why don't you go ahead and let Lieutenant Uhura show you the Enterprise?" Jim used the warmest tone he could manage.

"I prefer to wait for you." Spock sounded convinced that nobody was going to make him change his mind.

"It could take me hours." Jim knew that kids, no matter what the race, weren't exactly patient.

"It is of no consequence. I am still helping Doctor McCoy with his damaged Tricorder, it will give me time to finish the task."

Damaged Tricorder? There wasn't a damaged Tricorder anywhere on the Enterprise, Jim always made sure that all equipment was in optimal condition and… then it clicked. Bones.

"Did you _destroy_ a functional Tricorder to keep Spock occupied?" Jim wasn't even aware that Bones could do that.

"You left him _here,_ " Bones justified.

"Did I do something wrong?" Spock probably feared that Jim was angry with him.

"No, no… are you sure you wouldn't prefer going with Lieutenant Uhura?" _Please, say you'd prefer going with Uhura, please_ , Jim pleaded in his head.

"I am sure. I shall wait for you."

Dammit. Jim sighed. He didn't know why the kid was so attached to him – he barely knew Jim, and let's be honest, he didn't exactly emanate fatherly vibes. However he couldn't force Spock… well, he _could,_ but he wouldn't.

"Fine. Then you can continue with –" _destroying expensive equipment that the Admiralty is going to make me pay for,_ "the fixing thing, and when I'm done I'll fetch you from Sickbay, okay?"

"Very well."

"Bones, don't let Spock _fix_ anything else."

"I am quite good with machines," defended Spock. "And Doctor McCoy seems ignorant of the proper way to reconnect wires."

"I'm a doctor, not a damn engineer, and don't you dare complain."

"I was not. I merely tried to establish your need for help."

"I wasn't talking to you, kid." Bones was probably smirking. "I was talking to the other whining person here."

"Nice, Bones." Jim knew he couldn't curse in front of Spock, but it was hard to contain himself. "Just keep him there and tell Uhura that she can stay too… she'll know what I mean."

"Yeah, because that's a tough code to break," Bones sneered. "Just hurry, you wouldn't want Spock _fixing_ a bio-med scanner, would you?"

Jim didn't bother with an answer; he probably should have at least assured Spock that he wasn't mad at him, but he was running out of patience and this situation was getting on his nerves. The last thing he wanted was to lash out against Spock, Bones, Uhura and anyone who crossed his path.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. Time to face the other thing Jim had been postponing for a while. He turned on his terminal, and exhaled loudly. It was time to see his _old friend_.

* * *

Spock was apprehensive about what had just happened. Jim sounded upset, and he did not want to be the cause of that. He was probably causing trouble for Jim and that was the last thing he wanted. If he caused problems, Jim would probably reconsider their friendship; Spock had no experience in maintaining a friendship bond, let alone making amends if he had offended Jim. Lieutenant Uhura sat down next to him.

"How are you feeling, Spock?" she asked nicely.

"I am well, thank you."

"Are you sure? You look a little sad."

He was aware of his lack of control at the moment, this was too much to assimilate and he had not yet received the proper training which would enable him to handle things more successfully. He would like to think that he was doing an acceptable job so far, considering the events. He knew he should not want or crave his father's approval, however he liked to think that when his father was informed of the situation, he would at least acknowledge Spock's self-restraint. He had not hurt anyone, even on a strange ship with unknown people; if Jim was lying and they indeed had kidnapped him, he was acting rationally. It would not do any good if he argued or fought, he was outnumbered and he was a child. He believed Jim, yet if he had deceived him, eventually he would learn the true intentions of these people. He would just be patient.

Jim would not lie, though. As irrational as this thought was, Spock was confident that Jim had been honest with him. It was refreshing. Even his mother was reluctant to tell him the truth sometimes. This was something new, Spock could get accustomed to this. Starfleet did not seem like a bad alternative.

If only he was not nine years old.

"Spock?" Lieutenant Uhura looked at him with concern.

"I am sure, Lieutenant," he said calmly.

"You can call me Nyota, Spock. We are friends; Jim told you that, right?"

"Affirmative."

Spock did not say anything else, however he noticed the Lieutenant's small frown. Somehow it was harder to feel comfortable with her than with Jim. He felt like he could be himself with Jim and he would not mind. If he got angry, or was sad or upset, Jim would accept that, unlike everyone else around him. He felt… free.

It was enticing, but also frightening.

* * *

Jim didn't know what to expect from this call. Would Spock be thrilled to hear from him? Surprised, perhaps? Involuntarily, Jim combed his hair with his fingers, like that would make him more presentable. The worst part was that he _wanted_ to look nice for Spock, like that would change the fact that he had his own Kirk; the perfect one who wasn't a failure and probably wasn't damaged at all.

Or at least not as much as he was.

He didn't care. This was stupid, it was almost like being a teenager again. He was an adult now, he didn't have to prove anything, and besides, who cared what Spock thought? He'd contributed to Jim's messed up state by leaving all those images in his head. He should be pissed at him.

Nevertheless, when he saw the image of the Ambassador smiling kindly, he just forgot all the struggling he'd been doing for the last five minutes. He couldn't avoid it, he smiled back.

"Hello, old friend," Spock said warmly, and Jim totally knew he would say that.

"Hi." Jim felt like a blushing teenage girl. Dammit.

Spock didn't say anything for a while, he just stared. Rather intently. Jim had the urge to glance at himself and see if he had stained his shirt or check if he had something between his teeth.

"What?" Jim said, losing all his endurance to the stare.

"My apologies." Spock met his eyes again. "It is just… bemusing, seeing you."

"Oh, I can't be that bad!" Jim joked but he couldn't deny that it stung a little.

"I am afraid you misunderstood me," Spock said with conviction. "I only meant that it was bemusing seeing you in _that_ uniform."

What? Oh … _oh …_ yeah, Jim wasn't Captain; Spock was probably used to seeing him in gold. Well, not him, but he probably never saw his own Kirk in red. Well, things were different here; no hot sex between him and young Spock, no gold for Jim.

"I think I look good, don't you?" Jim asked with a smirk.

Spock just smiled. _He smiled_ , and Jim wished his own Spock did that more often. He could analyze the possessive term later (when exactly had Spock became 'his'?). It was for distinction, it didn't mean anything. This was so confusing, and having a Vulcan kid was enough for now.

"What can I do for you, my friend?"

"How do you know I'm not just calling to say 'hi'?" Jim pouted, offended. Okay, they'd met for thirty minutes tops, but he still considered this guy a friend.

"Are you?" Spock lifted an eyebrow in what Jim assumed was amusement.

"Well, it was _one_ of the reasons …"

"I see. Very well, I consider myself properly greeted. What can I do for you, Jim?"

Spock really got on Jim's nerves no matter what the age.

"Here's the thing." Jim decided to get to the point; Spock was a busy Vulcan, and Jim had his own tiny version of the man waiting for him in Sickbay. "You're nine years old."

Spock frowned. Interesting, kid and old Spock were completely transparent about their emotions, but the adult version was stuck up. Joy, he had the challenging one.

"Forgive me, I do not understand your assertion."

"Long story short, we visited this planet, they ask you to step into a sacred chamber or something, you came out an hour later as a nine year old."

Realization came across Spock's features, and he smiled again. Okay, at least one of them found this situation funny.

"It must be fascinating," Spock finally said, with glee. Why did he sound so happy?

"That wouldn't be the word I would choose, but let's settle for 'uncanny'. You do the eyebrow thing at every age, I wonder if you did it as a baby too," Jim mused out loud.

"It is a Vulcan feature, I am afraid. Is he healthy? Is he having problems of any sort?"

"No, no," Jim reassured him quickly, because of course Spock would think something was wrong. Jim was calling him for a reason. "He's not the problem, I am."

Spock didn't say anything, he just stared. Why was he staring? Jim felt like he was naked in front of the guy; it wouldn't be that bad, he was used to see his Kirk naked, what difference would it make if it was him? In fact it could be better, he was hotter, not that he was comparing. Whatever, Jim always felt too self-conscious when he did the stare thing.

"I don't know how to deal with him," Jim explained. "I told him he was Captain here, and he seemed like he appreciated my honesty, but I don't know what to do. He's a kid! The reason why I'm so careful to not get anyone pregnant is that I suck with kids."

"Yet you have a small daughter, if I recall correctly," Spock said.

"That's a plant, and it doesn't count no matter what Sulu says," Jim spat.

"I was referring to the small Betazoid girl you rescued." Spock lifted an eyebrow. "A plant?"

"Long story… how did you know about Amanda?"

"I read the articles about it and I had the pleasure of meeting one of the Betazoid Ambassadors. You are much esteemed among their people."

"It was nothing," Jim blushed. "I did what I had to. The point is, would you help me with this… _situation_?"

Spock seemed lost in thought and Jim just looked at him carefully. He was Spock and yet he was a completely different person from his own Spock. Perhaps losing his mother had hurt Spock beyond what Jim had imagined; they both were damaged in their own way. Like chess, one wrong move could ruin the entire game. Jim's and Spock's games were ruined. It would have been nice playing a game with the right moves; with a father alive, and a mother still with Spock.

He resented that universe for having what Jim craved most, as stupid as it sounded. Spock said that things couldn't be changed, that they faced 'no-win scenarios'. He fought hard to prove him wrong, but deep down he knew Spock was right in a way. He would never live the life that Kirk had, no matter how many strategies he had up his sleeve. Nothing would bring his father back, or change what his mother had done, or fix what happened on Tarsus. Some games couldn't be won.

"Is he in afraid or has he become violent?" asked Spock finally.

"No, in fact he's all calm and rational about this. I think Bones was more violent than Spock."

Spock smiled lightly and Jim felt a small thrill inside.

"Somehow that does not surprise me," Spock said. "The good doctor responds with loud complaints when he cannot understand something."

"That's Bones," Jim smirked. His friend was just universally grouchy. "So, any tips you can give me would be great."

"Did you inform him of past events?"

Jim knew what Spock meant: _Were you an ass and did you tell him he had no home planet and no mother?_ Why everyone assumed he had no tact was a mystery to him. All right, he was direct, but he wasn't a complete jerk.

"No, when he asked to talk with his parents I told him we had an ion storm messing with our communications. He seemed to buy it."

"He probably did. As far as he knows, he had no reason to not believe your word, particularly because if he was kidnapped, you would communicate with his parents immediately to make demands."

"Kidnapped? Did that happen to you sometime?" Jim frowned.

"No, however there was always a risk, with my father working as an Ambassador and so many political conflicts around Vulcans. It was no longer a problem when I defied my father and he disowned me."

"Wow, and I thought I had daddy issues," Jim mused. "No wonder you were a momma's boy."

"In a way, you are correct. My relationship with my father was… complicated. My counterpart does not seem to have that problem though, at least from what I observed."

"I can't fool him forever. If we don't find a way to reverse this…"

"Then you should tell him the truth. Perhaps it would be best to inform his father about these events."

"You want me to talk with Sarek? Me?"

"I assume you are acting Captain." Spock had this strange gleam in his eyes. "You should do what you believe is best."

"Oh, no, don't try that crap! He's you! Tell me what's best for you!"

"What is best for me could not be the best for Spock. We are two different persons, even though we share some events in our lives."

"I hate when you get cryptic. Okay, I'll bite, let's say I wait for a while and see how things go. Is Spock going to get weird? I don't know anything about Vulcan kids; does he need something in particular? Is he taking any medicine? Does he need special attention?"

"Having a Vulcan child is no different than having a human child, Jim. As long as he is fed and cared for, he is going to be perfectly fine. Nevertheless, at that age, I was incredibly curious about everything around me. I used to spend hours in school trying to learn all I could about other planets and civilizations. Call it a need to fit in."

"I get the sentiment," Jim said sympathetically. "I guessed that, I blocked all the information about Nero, do you think he can break my code?"

"That would depend of the sequence you used."

"Is he a genius with computers at this age?" Jim gaped because at that age he only used his brains to screw his stepfather. He had a success rate of 90 percent, and was proud of it.

"He is probably very advanced in knowledge, and if he cannot access certain information –"

"He'll be pissed and he'll obsess about it," finished Jim because yeah, maybe he and Spock weren't that different.

"Indeed." Spock smiled evenly.

"Great. I already have enough stubborn people with Bones," Jim sighed. "Any other tips you can give me?"

"I was rather fond of challenging games; perhaps you could invite him to a friendly match of chess."

"I do that with the adult version. He gets annoyed when I'm about to beat him."

"Have you ever won a match?"

"Not yet, but I'm close. The thing with you is that you use the same strategy because it's logical and that doesn't work with me."

Spock stared again, like he was trying to look beyond Jim and find something else. Jim coughed lightly.

"So… this was fun, how come you never call me?"

"I am aware of the demands of your post," he said with a hint of sadness.

"I always can make time for friends," Jim said with a big smile, while his mind asked why he was so insistent about this. He was two steps away from being desperate.

"I will keep that in mind."

"Yeah, I really –"

Whatever Jim was going to say was interrupted by the sound of the door. Someone had overridden his code, and the only two people who could do that were Spock and Bones. He stood up quickly, blocking the screen.

"There you are." Bones entered quickly, closing the door behind him.

"What are you doing?" demanded Jim. "I told you to stay with Spock! Where is he?"

"So _now_ you're worried about the tiny elf," Bones spat. "I left him with Uhura. Spock is about to finish with the Tricorder, and I had to make sure that you weren't rolled up in a ball hitting your head against the wall like you do when you're freaked out."

"It was one time and I only did it for, like, five minutes," Jim grumbled because he was really stressed, it was the only thing he could think of to relieve some tension.

"What are you doing then? Spock won't leave if you don't go and fetch him, and I'm feeling really torn between sedating him or sedating and castrating you."

Jim opened his mouth to retort when he noticed his friend glancing at the shining screen behind his back. Damn, he forgot he was talking with Spock.

"I see a pointed ear," Bones said with a frown. "Are you talking with… you know?"

Jim exhaled noisily, stepping aside to let Bones see the entire screen. His friend had his eyes wide and his mouth was slightly open.

"I had to tell him," Jim explained to Spock, hoping not to piss him off too. "I… he's my friend…"

"I understand," Spock said calmly. "Hello, Doctor McCoy."

"Hello," Bones frowned. "Why is he being polite to me?" Bones whispered to Jim.

"It is good to see you in good health, my old friend," Spock continued with a certain fondness.

"Right… good to see you too, even when I've never met you before and I'm not sure you aren't a nutcase."

"Bones!" Jim chastised.

"It is no trouble, Jim; Doctor McCoy was and always has been direct. I appreciate his honesty."

"You appreciate my honesty?" Bones mocked. "I would appreciate it if you stopped poking into other people's head and just fixed Jim."

"Bones!" Jim said again, mortified. He hadn't told Spock about the memory thing and chances were that he couldn't avoid the subject now.

"Is something wrong with you, Jim?" Spock asked, concerned, and Jim felt this small twinge in his stomach.

"You haven't told him?" Bones glared at Jim. "Why were you calling him, then?"

"To ask for his help with Spock," Jim clarified, although it was too late anyway.

"What help do we need? He's a kid, as long as he's fed and he sleeps right, we're all set."

"He said the same thing," Jim smiled weakly, pointing at Spock.

"I knew this wasn't a good time to tell him about the memories, even for you. Since you made the call, you better tell the hobgoblin," Bones said. "No offense."

"None taken."

Jim knew his friend was acting like this because he was still angry with Spock even though he had no reason to be. Jim consented; Spock hadn't forced him or anything.

"All right, then get back to Sickbay, I need privacy."

Bones arched an eyebrow, but fortunately he didn't speak his mind like he probably would have liked to.

"Fifteen minutes, or else I'm bringing you the kid and you are on your own."

"Fine."

"I don't like you." Bones glanced at the screen again.

"I hope that can be changed eventually," Spock said in a respectful tone.

"Don't get your hopes up." Bones turned around and unlocked the door. At least he had the courtesy to lock it again. Jim had imagined how he would tell Spock about the memories; none of his choices included Bones spilling everything. He should be angry with Bones, but he was just concerned. Jim could hardly complain when he had an amazing friend who always had his back no matter what.

"Jim?" Spock broke the uncomfortable silence that was forming between them.

"Um… yeah…" Jim sat down again, trying to think of a delicate way to explain the situation. "Sorry about Bones, he's just like that when he gets overprotective, he's like a mother hen with me and he acts like I can't take care of myself. I can, he just ignores it because he prefers making me suffer."

"I understand. He reminds me strongly of the Doctor McCoy I once knew. He and I shared the same goal: protecting our Captain no matter what."

_Yeah, well, in this case only Bones cares about me_ , he thought bitterly, because he wouldn't have what the other Kirk had with Spock. He knew when Gaila died that his opportunity to be loved for what he was instead of for what he looked like was gone. She was the only one who truly saw him and loved him anyway.

And he could have loved her back with time.

"Jim?" Spock repeated because he was lost in his thoughts.

"Right, okay… mmm… you see… when you did the mind-meld thing… it was nice and all, I got to see you weren't an exiled crazy Vulcan and I get that it had to be done quickly…"

Spock waited patiently for Jim to continue. Okay, it was time, he just had to say it quickly, like ripping off a band-aid.

"But somehow a few of your images got stuck with me and I see them at the weirdest times." That made sense; he said it calmly and clearly, even though he was a mess inside.

"Are you implying that I transferred memories into your mind?" Spock looked surprised and guilty and Jim felt bad. He didn't want Spock chastising himself for what happened, it wasn't a big deal.

"Well, I don't know exactly how it works, but I see things that I _know_ aren't mine."

"Does that mean…?"

"That I got to see how you pinned your own Kirk against every hard surface you could find around the Enterprise? Yeah, in the row. At least you were mostly clothed, so nothing to be ashamed of. I have a question though, how did you two manage to make out on Bones' desk? Unless he was there watching, I can't imagine he would let you two do the nasty in his beloved Sickbay."

Spock actually blushed, and Jim sympathized. For someone as private as Spock, it must be hard having someone else seeing your life.

"The good doctor was not on the ship at that particular moment," Spock said in a low voice.

"That explains it. I thought your Bones was a voyeur; mine is a prude, so it would have been a nice change."

Jim was joking to ease the tension Spock was building up; he looked so ashamed that Jim had to do something to make him feel better.

"I cannot tell you how remorseful I am for this terrible error, Jim. I am afraid that my control was not in optimal condition when I tried to explain the situation, and you have to bear the consequences of my carelessness. Will you ever be able to forgive me?"

"Hey, nothing to forgive, man! I agreed, remember? Sure, sometimes it gets awkward when I'm with Spock and I see you two going at it on Scotty's console, but I'm hardly a blushing virgin, and I've seen worse."

"Still, Jim, I am truly regretful for my mistake, I cannot think what a burden you must be carrying when you have memories that are not your own."

"Look, I don't like it when people keep apologizing when I said it's fine. I don't hold grudges, okay? You did it for a good cause, and it wasn't on purpose. Bones just gets a little bit twitchy, but nothing more and I'm fine. So stop with the self-recrimination already."

Jim tried not to sound too harsh but, judging by Spock's slightly bemused expression, he wasn't successful. To Jim's surprise, Spock smiled like he had expected that reaction, which made Jim feel uncomfortable. Spock didn't know him, he was a different person than the Jim he once knew and loved, he had no right to smile that way, like he could read Jim entirely.

It wasn't fair.

"I hope that my mistake has not caused you troubles with the Captain, Jim." Spock glanced at him with uncertainty.

"Why? Can he tell if someone poked into my head? Is that a Vulcan thing?" Jim frowned, because as far as he was aware, Spock didn't know about the mind-meld. He thought Jim was crazy because every time Jim got an image from the Ambassador's memory he shook his head strongly; Spock had suggested a medical scan to make sure there was nothing wrong. However, he'd never made any comment hinting that he thought his behavior could be related to a mind-meld gone wrong.

And that was good, because Jim would have a hard time explaining to Spock why a Vulcan was poking into his head without informing him about the Ambassador.

"No, he cannot know about the situation unless you informed him yourself; nevertheless, I would have thought you two had a conversation about…" Spock opened his eyes wide and Jim felt scared because this must be Spock's version of disbelieving shock.

"About?" Jim pressed.

"Never mind." Spock smiled again, trying to regain some composure. "It must be hard for you, seeing that kind of memory in front of the Captain."

"He probably thinks I'm nuts; Bones confirmed it, so no biggie."

Jim noticed how Spock always referred to his own Kirk as 'his Captain', but when he was referring to his Spock, he said formally 'the Captain'. It probably didn't mean anything special, still, Jim felt it was another proof of the huge differences in their lives. Clearly Spock was devoted to his Captain, and somehow the Ambassador knew that Jim wouldn't consider Spock his anything in this time.

Not his Captain, not his friend, and most importantly, not his lover.

The thought pained him more than he was willing to admit, even to himself.

"I do not believe he thinks you are mentally ill, Jim. My Jim also had 'unusual' behavior; I never labeled it as something wrong."

"So you loved him because he was crazy," Jim mused, and a small hope grew in his heart, as stupid as it was.

"Indeed." Spock's face lit up at the memory of his Kirk; Jim tried to subdue the pang of jealousy he felt when he saw it. "Jim, I am still remo…"

"If you apologize one more time, I swear I'm sending you Spock right now and you'll be in charge of educating him," Jim threatened with an amused tone.

"Perhaps I will get the opportunity to repair my mistake soon," Spock said calmly.

"What do you mean?" Jim frowned. As far as he knew, neither the Enterprise nor the Ambassador had time for a social visit.

"Doctor McCoy said you only had fifteen minutes; thirteen minutes and fifty seconds have passed already. If he is anything like the Doctor McCoy I knew, he is probably getting ready to carry out his threat."

"Shit." Jim saw that Spock was right. He hadn't realized they'd been talking so long; then again, time flies when you're comparing your crappy life with the perfect version it could have been. "We aren't done; you need to explain what you meant by that."

"Of course," Spock conceded. "If I may give you a final piece of advice about your current situation… my mother often offered physical comfort when I was feeling upset. I am aware that the Captain has likely been extremely clear about physical boundaries, and it will probably be unsettling for you try to soothe the child in that manner. However, now that I have experienced different scenarios I can assure you that at that age I was more open to receiving physical affection than at any other stage of my life."

"What about when you and your Kirk started dating?" Jim asked, confused.

"I am afraid that even when I realized my feelings towards my Captain, I was still reluctant to admit their existence. It was difficult to find a physical way to express myself when my Captain was a very demonstrative person and I had to overcome many barriers imposed by my Vulcan heritage. I hurt Jim profoundly because of my stubbornness." Spock looked so sad that Jim wanted to hug him strongly and not let him go; it was disturbing. Jim realized that in this particular moment the Ambassador resembled his Spock very much.

"But you compensated him later, right?" Jim smiled and winked at Spock. "I'm sure he understood."

"If there is anything that distinguishes every James Kirk I have met it is precisely the fact that their nature is very forgiving, at least when others are involved." Hearing this made Jim wonder if perhaps that Kirk was also fond of the self-recrimination thing. "Regarding the physical touch, I would avoid any contact with his hands, though."

"Why?" Jim knew his Spock was especially edgy regarding his hands. One time Jim almost touched his fingers by accident and the guy freaked out in his own Vulcan way; Jim was sure he'd kept glaring at him for a while after the incident, even though Spock denied it.

"It is personal. I am sure you will be informed about this particular topic in the future."

"I doubt Spock will ever talk to me about hand touches, but I guess I can always ask you," Jim said in a rush. "Okay, I have to go, I have only thirty seconds to get to Sickbay before Bones unleashes his wrath; thanks for the help, I really appreciate it."

"On the contrary, it is always pleasant to talk to a dear friend. Live long and prosper, t'hy'la."

Jim was about to ask about the meaning of the word, but he decided to leave it for later. Bones would have his head if he didn't make it on time; he just hoped he'd remember the way Spock pronounced it, it sounded weird. As he turned the screen off and walked quickly towards the door, Jim felt like he had heard this word before. Almost like a whisper in his mind, an echo of something else… he couldn't put his finger on it, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't do it eventually, even if he had to ask his own Spock about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that maybe this isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I appreciate if you give it a chance. I’m trying my best here, but let’s face it, I’m no good with deaged plots. A big thank you to my super awesome beta Anbessette, who is the wind beneath my wings.


	15. Chapter 4C: Carpe Diem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Doctor McCoy," Jim said, disguising his voice, "you're the sexiest beast on this ship."
> 
> "What?" Bones sounded appalled "Who the hell is this?"
> 
> "I'm your biggest fan." Jim looked at Spock, who only raised an eyebrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is plagued with sweetness and fluffiness, so consider yourselves warned. Enjoy!

When he entered the Sickbay a minute late, Jim saw Spock looking at the door, almost like he knew he was about to come in. Freaky.

"Jim!" Spock sounded excited.

"Hey, Spock!" Jim smiled widely. "Did you manage to fix the Tricorder?"

"I was able to reconnect the correct wires. It seemed like someone cut the circuits in a careless manner."

Jim glared at Bones.

"What?" Bones asked, crossing his arms.

"Nothing," Jim sighed. He wasn't arguing about why his friend had damaged valuable equipment in front of Spock. He noticed Uhura standing near Spock, but at a safe distance, almost like she was afraid of the kid. "Uhura, can I talk to you for a moment?"

"Of course, Captain."

Why was everyone calling him Captain? It felt weird, he shouldn't get too used to it though, Spock would return to normal soon and he would be back to his post. It was bittersweet.

As Uhura walked towards Jim, he noticed that Spock was also getting close, probably thinking that he was invited to the conversation.

"We'll be right back, Spock," Jim said to emphasize that it was a private conversation.

"Are you leaving him here again?" Bones said in dismay.

"This will take only five minutes, Bones," Jim reassured him with a smile.

"That doesn't work with me, kid," Bones grumbled. "I'm not part of your fan club."

"You should be, it's an awesome club."

"Whatever, just don't take long or you know what could happen," warned Bones.

"I know, you can get creative next time I end up in Sickbay," Jim said, oddly resigned.

"That's right."

"Captain?" Uhura interrupted the discussion, knowing this could be endless.

"Right, let's go." Jim winked at Spock to reassure him that everything was fine, but he was surprised to see the tiny frown on Spock's face. He was glaring at him and Uhura; this was probably the first time Jim had seen Spock show an emotion he could label 'anger'.

He decided to analyze why Spock was angry at him later. He let Uhura pass and walked out of Sickbay, still feeling a pair of eyes staring firmly at his back.

* * *

Spock watched Jim disappear from the room, and it felt empty again. He had such an amazing presence; he could warm up any place he arrived in. It felt nice having a person like that close to you, although Spock had to take into account that others enjoyed Jim's presence as much as he did. He had a competitive nature, and he had to work twice as hard for everything because Vulcans never acknowledged his accomplishments. Compared to classmates who were fully Vulcan, Spock was always graded below them to avoid conflict, like it was Spock's fault that they were mediocre in a culture that was not tolerant of failure. This situation was piquing Spock's competitive side. He was angry when Jim entered Sickbay and immediately asked for Lieutenant Uhura, an attractive female. He knew it was illogical to feel this possessive of a human whom he had only met three hours and fifteen minutes ago; however, he could not avoid the heat rising to his cheeks and he had to prevent himself from saying something completely out of line. He wanted to make amends in case Jim was upset at him, and saying that the Lieutenant was a poor choice for a mate probably would not help the situation.

He did believe that, though he did not doubt that Lieutenant Uhura was intelligent and it could be said that she was attractive. Not as attractive as his mother, of course, but different to what he was accustomed to seeing. It was appealing; perhaps if he had met her before Jim he could think she was beautiful. Compared to Jim, she was not. He was truly fine-looking; Spock did not feel any shame in admitting that because Vulcans appreciated beauty in all its forms. Logically, the Lieutenant was not a suitable mate for Jim. Although Lieutenant Uhura surely possessed outstanding qualities and seemed like a noble person, Jim was exceptional and should have someone as unique as he was by his side. However, his mother had proved to him that sometimes humans' choices of mates were not exactly logical, but plagued by emotions; Jim's choice would probably be the same. Perhaps he was already involved with the Lieutenant in a romantic relationship.

This bothered Spock deeply, perhaps because he was Jim's friend. A friendship bond, according to his mother, meant that you desired the best for the person you cherished as such. Vulcans chose their mates rationally, which his father told him was the reason why he defied all the teachings of Vulcan culture and chose a human for his mate. Spock had never understood that; how could a human be a better suited mate for his father than a Vulcan? His mother had decided to embrace a different world because she loved his father, she had said this on many occasions; she was human, she was allowed to be weak and let emotions dominate her decisions. His father, however, did not have any reason to defy Vulcan tradition. There was a time when Spock thought his mother had kidnapped his father and demanded that he marry her in return for his release. Humans in love could do incredibly foolish things, he had read several documents that proved this. His mother clarified that she did not kidnap his father and felt hurt that Spock thought she had 'blackmailed his father into loving her', which led to Spock feeling guilty because he had made his mother upset. She did not understood Spock's need to comprehend the situation, she thought that saying that they married out of love was enough. Spock did not know what love meant. At least, not romantically, he loved his mother and perhaps he also had deep feelings for his father (he would not call it 'love'). But to challenge your culture… love must be a powerful feeling.

And if Jim was in love with the Lieutenant… Spock could not intervene even though he did not agree and thought that he deserved better. He should not hypothesize about Jim's romantic life; he had no solid information to verify his thoughts.

"Lieutenant Uhura is Jim's mate?" he asked brusquely, knowing all too well that he was acting irrationally. It did not stop him from voicing his thoughts.

Doctor McCoy turned around so fast that Spock thought he could have broken his neck.

"What?" he said with shock.

"I apologize, I did not mean to intrude," Spock said, trying to calm his voice. "I was wondering if Lieutenant Uhura is romantically involved with Jim."

"You don't mean to intrude but you keep asking, huh?" McCoy smirked. "Why do you care? Are you jealous?"

"I am certainly not jealous!" Spock said with force and realized that he had raised his voice.

"It's okay, kid." McCoy smiled widely. "Lieutenant Uhura is great; if anything, we can say you have fine taste in women. Let's hope you stick to that when you grow up."

As usual, humans came to the wrong conclusions based on common assumptions. Since he was a male, he must be interested in the only female he had met so far, and McCoy could not grasp that his negative feelings may be elicited on behalf of another male. No that he had any negative feelings, McCoy had just misinterpreted Spock's question. Jealousy was illogical.

He did not say anything further, to see if McCoy would decide to answer the question without any other unsolicited input.

The doctor seemed to notice his stare, since he lifted both eyebrows.

"He's not with Uhura, she's all yours," McCoy said finally. "But I think you're a little young for her. Wait a few years."

Spock inclined his head. If he were interested in the Lieutenant, as soon as he returned to his normal age he could pursue her. This was not the case, yet he could not help but wonder if it could be accomplished with Jim. In this situation there were factors like personal preferences for romantic relationships and human feelings to consider.

That was what Spock found both enchanting and frustrating about humans. Being able to display anything you felt must be liberating, but it was also problematic and shameful. He enjoyed it when his mother was emotional, he somehow felt that when she was angry on his behalf it was the closest he could come to being angry himself. It was the only weakness Spock could allow himself at such a young age.

"You're too young to be thinking about love anyway," McCoy added, waving his hand.

Too young to be thinking about love. It was contradictory; if love was a feeling, it should not be a thought, and since feelings exist at any age, then it should not have a certain limit.

"I was not aware that there was an age limit to feeling love," Spock said. He wanted to know more about McCoy's insight on the topic.

"Love is trouble. You're a kid, your main concerns should be eating right and sleeping. You'll have plenty of time to ruin your life with love in the future."

McCoy may be cynical, but he had a somewhat logical point. Love could ruin lives; his mother's love for his father had ruined his own in a way that they could not comprehend. Spock was grateful to have been born, he was intelligent, healthy and capable; he just would have liked his parents to consider his situation. His father, being fully Vulcan, would never feel the solitude and rejection he experienced; his mother, being fully human, would never realize the effort Spock had to make to contain himself and not 'let go' as she wanted him to. They were the ones who defied two cultures, and somehow Spock felt he was the one who was being punished for by having no sense of belonging.

As he listened to McCoy complaining about space shenanigans (he was surprised McCoy even knew the word), Spock wondered if perhaps his place was here, in the middle of nowhere. Perhaps he belonged in space.

* * *

When Jim entered Sickbay, he noticed Spock staring intently at Bones while his friend just muttered. He stopped and watched the scene, fascinated. Spock always antagonized Bones because his friend was mouthy and Spock was excessively rational. Maybe opposites attract and Spock was developing a liking for his friend. At that age Jim often got crushes on any adult reliable enough to stick around for a while; teachers, counselors and a neighbor on one occasion. If Spock had a crush on McCoy it would be so funny, he could hassle Bones forever. He subdued his slight discomfort at the thought of Spock crushing on someone who wasn't him because that was nuts.

Spock seemed to notice his stare, since he glanced at him and forgot about Bones entirely. That made Jim happy; this was so messed up.

"Jim!" Spock almost ran to him, looking excited.

"Where's Uhura?" Bones turned around when he heard Spock saying Jim's name.

"She had things to do," Jim said smiling. "So, Spock, are you ready for your big tour?"

"I am," Spock said solemnly.

"So am I," Bones said dryly. "This is a Sickbay, not a nursery. Take your kid and leave."

"He's not…" He noticed the gleam in Spock's eyes when he heard Bones call him Jim's kid and felt his heart clench. "All right, we're leaving."

"Good." Bones looked at Jim. "Don't feed him junk food."

Jim hadn't even thought about what he was feeding Spock; he hadn't thought about what he was doing with Spock at all.

"I won't," he said finally, since Bones was wearing the 'don't fuck it up' glare he was so fond of.

"Can we leave now?" Spock said in an impatient tone. "I am sure Doctor McCoy must be eager to return to his normal activities."

Jim exchanged looks with Bones, who only shrugged. Jim nodded with a smile.

"Let's go, then." Jim waited for Spock to pass in front of him; the kid just stood next to him as if he was waiting for Jim to take his hand or something. At least, that was what Jim used to do when he wanted Sam to hold his hand; he stood next to his big brother and waited until he got the hint.

The Ambassador said hands were off limits, though. Then perhaps Spock just wanted to walk next to him. He had to stop overanalyzing this or he would get a headache.

He settled for giving Spock a small push in front of him to cue him to start walking; Spock looked startled but started walking anyway, without getting too far away from Jim.

"This is the biggest ship in Starfleet, Spock," Jim said proudly. "We have the finest crew and the best technology."

"Doctor McCoy qualifies as a 'fine crewmember'?" Spock asked with incredulity.

"Oh, I know he seems grumpy but he's the best doctor in the whole fleet. He just isn't a people person."

"I see," Spock said with a tiny frown. Jim was fascinated with that. Spock was so transparent at this age. You could see what he was feeling immediately, it made Jim feel somewhat closer to the boy, and made him forget that he would return to normal soon.

Or at least, that was what he was hoping for.

* * *

Jim answered every question Spock had about regulations, the Enterprise and Starfleet in general. He seemed informed about what enrolling involved; he even added a few things while Jim explained what serving in Starfleet implied. Jim tried to avoid looking at Spock because the kid kept staring at him like he was the best thing in the entire world. That was new for Jim. He wasn't used to people idolizing him; Chekov always made him a little uncomfortable. He was a screw up, he was used to the 'you're nothing but a burden' look that was so often directed at him. Spock could have chosen a better role model, like Bones. His friend was moody and rude, but he was the best in his field. Jim had just gotten lucky.

Luck was something that Jim always had on his side.

Spock didn't seem to mind, though. Maybe that was because he was a child and didn't remember anything; he didn't know about his father, or the trial for cheating on the Kobayashi Maru, or what happened to Vulcan. He only knew that Jim was his friend, and that was enough for him.

Jim wished it could be enough for the adult version of Spock as well. Spock only confided in Uhura, and he would never think of Jim as a friend. He was too insubordinate, too reckless, too different for Spock to even consider sharing experiences with him. Having this child's devotion and trust and attention and having the Ambassador worrying and wanting the best for him just pained Jim more; it was like getting small glimpses of what having Spock in his life could be like.

"Are you feeling unwell, Jim?" Spock halted, and Jim realized he hadn't said anything in a while.

"I'm fine, Spock. How about we go to the mess hall and get something to eat?"

Spock nodded enthusiastically and Jim smiled widely. He'd been afraid he would do something wrong and mess Spock up, but he was starting to think that this was no different to when he met the Ambassador for the first time. This was a different Spock; he wasn't the Captain Jim knew, and he had to stop thinking of him as an adult. He was a kid, he needed support and trust. Jim knew better than anyone what it was like when adults disappointed you. He wouldn't do that to Spock. He deserved better.

They all deserved better.

"So, Spock, how about you tell me more about Vulcan?" Jim asked after they sat down in the mess hall. Spock had chosen this weird grain thing – apparently Uhura had told him earlier that he enjoyed it as an adult.

"Vulcan is a desert planet with mountain ranges and large areas which are set aside as wilderness preserves. It has a much higher temperature, a stronger surface gravity and a thinner atmosphere than Earth…"

"Whoa, whoa, take a breath, kiddo," Jim interrupted Spock with a smile. It was annoying when adult Spock entered into 'lecture' mode, but from the kid it was amusing.

"I apologize," Spock said. "Did I give the wrong response to your query?"

"No, no… I was just expecting a more…. human approach."

Spock looked taken aback, and Jim wondered what he had said to cause this.

"It's just that you said it like a Vulcan and I can read that in any document," Jim said carefully, in case he angered the kid. According to Bones, even a Vulcan child was stronger than an adult human, and Spock could probably kick his ass even though he could walk under a table without crawling.

"I am Vulcan," Spock huffed indignantly. Okay, being human was a touchy subject even when Spock was a child.

"You're also human," said Jim before he could stop himself; he'd just said that it was a touchy subject and yet he had to put his foot in his mouth again.

"I chose the Vulcan teachings. I am Vulcan," Spock said forcefully, in a snappish tone.

"Well, sure, but that doesn't mean that…" Jim saw how Spock was glaring at him. At least this was familiar.

"Good evening, Captain," Sulu interrupted. "Do you mind if I join you?"

"Not at all," Jim sighed, relieved. Sulu was a lifesaver, honestly. If the conversation had continued, Jim was sure he would have caused a disaster.

"Hello," Sulu said cheerfully. "I'm Hikaru Sulu."

"I am Spock." Spock looked at Sulu with confusion.

"He knows about what happened to you, Spock," Jim said in a low voice in case the Vulcan was still pissed at him.

"I see."

"But that doesn't mean we can't get to know each other better," smiled Sulu.

Jim let Sulu handle the conversation while he just stayed silent, watching Spock. He answered Sulu's questions politely, but Jim noticed that he avoided looking in Jim's direction. Yes, he was definitely pissed. Jim felt some discomfort at this; okay, he didn't like the devotion Spock showed every time he looked at him, but he also didn't like the cold distance he was putting between them just because Jim reminded him of his human side.

To be honest, Spock probably exceeded Vulcan standards thinking that would bury his human heritage. Jim could relate to a point, but it was useless to deny something that was part of you.

Chekov approached their table and Jim was grateful for that. Chekov was very empathic, Spock could connect with him.

"Hello, Captain." Chekov saluted Jim formally. "Can I join you for dinner?"

"Go ahead, Chekov," Jim nodded. "And don't call me that."

He noticed that everyone was calling him 'Captain' now instead of Commander. He was getting used to it pretty quickly.

"But you're the Captain," Chekov said, excited.

"At least for now," added Sulu happily.

"You two only want to punish me with paperwork," Jim complained. He knew how many reports Spock did per day and it was crazy. He had to fill out reports for almost every movement he made on the Enterprise.

"I'm Pavel."

"I am Spock," Spock said in a dry tone. Okay, he didn't like Chekov either, which was weird because in Jim's opinion, Chekov had the best smile aboard the Enterprise.

Chekov apparently noticed Spock's tone as well, since he just smiled and turned his attention to Jim. Sulu kept asking Spock questions, and Jim didn't know if this was better or not.

* * *

Spock felt out of place in the mess hall, surrounded by the crew. He was not used to sharing space with so many individuals, given that when he wanted to be in a public place, other Vulcans generally preferred to move to a different location as though Spock had some sort of contagious disease. To some of them, he did indeed have a disease: human emotions. That was why he was working so hard to control them. Being with Jim made this process easier. He felt like Jim would not judge him if he said something 'improper', and the fact that he was willing to share his meal with him made Spock relax.

Starfleet seemed like a finer option with each passing moment.

When Jim asked about Vulcan, Spock thought he wanted to know everything related to the planet. However, when Jim said he expected a 'human approach', Spock felt something twitching in his stomach. He thought that Jim, being his friend, understood that he was trying to suppress his human side because he was first and foremost a Vulcan. He had chosen to embrace that culture; if he wanted to be human, he would have gone to Earth. He had been wrong. Jim was like everyone else in his life. He wanted to force him to be something he didn't want to be. And if that was a 'friend', then Spock could live without one. He had done this for nine years. He could manage to do it until he could talk to his father and request to return to Vulcan, where he needed to be.

Taking a deep breath, Spock tried to calm himself while he answered Mister Sulu's questions. Jim had not said anything to him, and he was analyzing what has just happened. He let his emotions control him again, which made him furious at himself more than he was angry at Jim. In fact, Jim had just asked a question and he had overreacted because it was a reminder he had to face every day: he was also human. Jim had no way of knowing that at this age, that was a difficult topic for him. Jim knew him as an adult, with perfect control of his emotions. Perhaps Jim thought Spock had the same control as his adult friend, he had no way to know that at the moment he was lacking of self-restraint.

This made him feel ashamed of his reaction. He had viciously ignored the only friend he had, and now Jim would probably be mad at him.

Spock saw how Jim smiled when a young man with a yellow shirt approached them. It made him feel uneasy. The young man sat down and Spock noticed that he spoke with a marked accent. Russian, if he recalled correctly from what he had heard in his mother's holovideos. He introduced himself, smiling, and Spock was annoyed. Jim had been watching the young man since he sat down, and as soon as Spock introduced himself, he rudely turned around and started talking to Jim. Mister Sulu kept asking questions that Spock did not want to answer while Jim spoke animatedly with the young man. It made Spock feel angry.

Jim had not say a word to him since Mister Sulu sat down to share his meal with them, and now he was ignoring him for this man whose speech barely made sense.

Spock's mother said that he was a proud boy. He had difficulty admitting when he did something wrong (which it was rare); in this case, he wanted to interrupt Jim's conversation with the young man and have Jim's full attention again. He had to admit that he was the one who had pushed Jim away for something it was not worth it. Having a friend involved admitting when you did something wrong; if Spock wanted Jim's friendship, he had to take the first step.

It was hard, though. Seeing how hesitant he was, he wondered how he and Jim had become friends. It was unlikely that he had made the first approach; Jim must have been the one who came closer to him. How Jim had managed to do that was a mystery to Spock.

"Penny for your thoughts."

Spock tried not to look startled at hearing Jim's voice so unexpectedly. He lifted his eyes and saw Jim smiling kindly at him, and he knew he must be blushing.

"I apologize," Spock said quickly.

Mister Sulu and Mister Chekov exchanged confused looks. He doubted that he was rude as an adult, why would they look so perplexed because Spock apologized? He looked at Jim, who only shook his head.

"Don't worry, Spock; they aren't used to kids being this polite. You're a very correct child, at your age I was using more… colorful language."

Spock tilted his head. How could language be 'colorful'?

"I cursed a lot," Jim explained, probably guessing Spock's confusion.

Jim kept talking about his childhood. Spock listened attentively, grateful that the previous tension was gone. Jim managed to make him feel secure again without approaching the subject that had made him uncomfortable in the first place. He was a valuable friend. Spock envied his adult self for a moment; he would have liked to have a friend like Jim while he was growing up. He was so used to being alone that he was vulnerable when it came to any topic he considered too personal, and he was defensive, thinking that everything anyone said to him was meant as a reproach. If Jim had been there whilst he was developing his social skills, he probably would have dealt better with emotions. Perhaps he could have found someone who truly understood what it was like to be in a room full of people and yet feel completely alone.

That made Spock wonder what would happen once he returned to his normal age. Would he forget what he had experienced at this age? How long that would take? Jim said he was fixing this, but in case he could not do anything, would he be sent home to his parents? It would be the logical choice; Spock was a child, he needed his parents' guidance.

However, Spock would like to stay here, with Jim. He felt like Jim was the missing piece in some aspects of his life, and he could be content staying on the Enterprise. He would miss his mother greatly, but he could always call her and visit her from time to time. And perhaps he would also miss his father (not as much as he would miss his mother), but it could work for both of them. His father was often criticized because he had a 'flawed son', this way he should receive fewer complaints about Spock.

If Spock decided to stay, would Jim support his decision? He glanced at the blond, watching him having a discussion with Mister Chekov about alcoholic beverages. He was a child, he would probably be a burden to Jim if he chose to stay. Still, he would like to have the courage to ask for what he wanted for once in his life, instead of doing what he must because he was a Vulcan.

* * *

Jim noticed how Spock was lost in his thoughts, probably bitching about something, though he hadn't any idea of what it could be. The kid got angry, yet he didn't throw tantrums, yell or show anger in a normal way. He just kept silent and ignored Jim, and to be honest Jim wasn't used to this kind of reaction. When people were pissed at him they usually yelled at him or punched him. Deciding to let Spock to just cool off, he continued his talk with Chekov while Sulu tried to cheer the kid up and failed miserably.

Then Jim felt something in his mind. It was strange… like a tug or something. He glanced at Spock, and the kid was chewing his bottom lip, like he was afraid of something. What the hell was happening here? Honestly, Spock looked adorable like that, if Jim could take a picture he would (and Sulu would probably call Bones to examine his head), but Jim felt like Spock needed him to intervene, almost like he wanted Jim to speak to him. Jim decided to do it and see what happened – the kid changed entirely and was all gleaming again; it was odd. It was like Jim knew that Spock needed to hear he wasn't mad at him, but how could have Jim have known that? He couldn't read minds, and he doubted this could be a side-effect for the mind-meld, the Ambassador would have mentioned it if it was.

Even when he didn't seem to like Chekov at first, Jim noticed that now Spock was watching them conversing about drinks with contemplation. It made Jim feel uneasy because he didn't know what the kid was thinking.

"How about you show Spock your daughter?" Sulu said eagerly, distracting Jim from his thoughts.

Spock looked at Jim with an eyebrow raised.

"Are you married, Jim?" Spock asked. If Jim didn't know better he would have thought that tone sounded like disappointment.

"No, I'm not. Sulu is talking about…"

"Watch it, remember what I told you," warned Sulu, like the mother hen he always was with the plant.

"Oh, you have to let the Captain off the hook this time, Sulu," Chekov chimed in. "How is he going to explain about Lilly if he can't say that she's a plant?"

"She's not a plant." Sulu glared at Chekov.

"A plant?" Spock asked with curiosity, and Jim thought he sounded exactly like the Ambassador.

"We were on this mission, and we adopted a plant," Jim explained quickly. "Sulu is a botanist, so to him every plant has a gender."

"If you do not mind my question, was I on that mission as well?"

"No, you had to stay on the ship because we had an emergency in the laboratories."

"I see."

Spock looked like he was upset again; Jim was becoming an expert in pissing the kid off. He didn't have much time to ponder this before his communicator buzzed.

"Kirk."

"Captain, everything is in order, I'll prepare the report for Starfleet," Uhura's voice echoed.

"Excellent, thank you Uhura. And don't call me Captain."

"You are the Captain," she goaded.

"That's what we said as well," Sulu added in a cheerful tone.

"Fine, you don't need to ambush me. We'll proceed as I indicated before. Lieutenant, please arrange everything for tomorrow."

"Yes, _Captain._ " Now she just was being annoying. "Uhura out."

Noticing the eyes on him, Jim fidgeted uncomfortably in his seat. Being Captain when someone else was 'incapacitated' wasn't as fun as he thought it would be.

"Maybe I can take Spock to see Lilly tomorrow; it's pretty late and he needs to rest," Jim said, smiling.

Sulu and Chekov glanced at each other, surprised. Jim wasn't completely useless with kids; sure, it was hard to imagine him with one, but he knew what he was doing… sort of.

"It has been an exciting day," Chekov said, supporting Jim, which earned a glare from Spock.

"What do you think, Spock?" Jim asked casually.

"I would like to retire for the night."

"It's settled, then." Jim got up. "Come on, Spock, I'll show you your room."

Without saying another word, Spock stood up and walked away from the mess hall in a hurry. Jim sent an apologetic smile to Sulu and Chekov, and followed him. Jim guided him to his room. Thank God Uhura was fast. He had talked to her and asked her to go to Spock's room and take anything that could lead to awkward explanations; she wasn't too thrilled to be digging into her ex-boyfriend's stuff, but she was the only one Spock would ever allow to do this.

"This is your room, Spock," Jim said as he introduced the code. "I'll leave you the code for the security system in case you need anything, but I would prefer if you waited for someone to show you around and keep an eye on you."

"I can manage without adult supervision," Spock said, offended. Of course, nine year olds always though they were already grown ups.

"I know, you'd really be doing me a favor, though. Starfleet doesn't allow children on the ships, and if you wander alone and something happens, my head will be the first one to roll." Jim noticed Spock's eyes widen. "I'm speaking metaphorically, Spock."

"I do not want to cause you trouble, Jim. I shall wait for you if I need something," he said soberly.

"Okay then, let me show you how to operate the replicator and you can get any type of clothes you want. I think we both agree you are too big to get dressed by someone else," Jim smirked.

Spock turned green and gave the most adorable display of shyness when he ducked his head, shaking it.

"All right. If you need something, I'm in the other room. Feel free to enter anytime if you need something, I'm not locking it at the moment. Anything else you need?"

Spock seemed to hesitate when Jim looked at him.

"You can say it Spock, don't worry."

"I…Is there a possibility of sharing the room with you?"

"You want to sleep with me?" Okay, that came out wrong and disturbing. Spock flushed again. "No, wait… you want to be in the same room with me for the night?" A little better. Not by much, but it was less disturbing.

"This is an unusual place for me and I thought I could be with someone with whom I can feel secure. I will not be a bother and I can help with anything you need for your reports."

Spock acted like an adult, but he was just a child in a strange place without his parents. He was freaking out in his own way, and Jim couldn't let him struggle just because he was uncomfortable with the idea of Spock being in his room.

"Well, the reports are classified, only Starfleet personnel can access to them," Jim smiled gently.

"I am part of Starfleet," Spock said.

"Nice try. Change your clothes and then you can join me in my room. We'll have a sleepover."

"What is a sleepover?" Spock tilted his head.

"You've never gone to a sleepover? When friends invite other friends to each others' houses and they play games and make prank calls?"

"I do not have any 'friends' at the moment…" Spock said in a low voice.

"Oh, that's not true. I'm your friend, right? And as such, I can't allow a nine year old kid to go without the 'sleepover' experience. Get your stuff and we'll have a blast."

Spock looked uncertain, but he nodded anyway and Jim went back to his room to get things ready. A sleepover with a Vulcan… what the hell was he supposed to do?

Junk food first… Spock was a vegetarian; maybe sweet things would do the trick. (Bones didn't need to know about this.) Then he put blankets on the floor. He hadn't had a sleepover in almost fifteen years, he had to improvise. This would be a great opportunity to make Spock more comfortable on the ship. Jim hoped that by tomorrow he would find the way to reverse this, but in case it took longer, Spock needed to feel safe and relaxed here. He had to make this a second home for Spock.

Jim wondered if he wanted to do that for Spock or for himself. He heard a small knock.

"Come in, Spock."

When Spock entered the room, he looked exactly the same as he had when Jim left him in his room five minutes ago.

"Spock, wouldn't you rather put on other clothes to sleep?" Jim frowned.

"I am quite comfortable with this attire."

"I guess everyone has different definitions of 'comfortable'." Jim smiled. "Okay, come, sit down."

"On the floor?" Spock lifted an eyebrow.

"Yeah, don't worry, it won't bite."

"I know that," Spock huffed, sitting down indignantly.

"Spock, at every sleep over, there's a tradition… the one who can stay awake the longest is the winner." Jim winked.

"What would be the prize?"

"There isn't really a prize, just the proud feeling of beating others to feed your competitive side."

"I understand," Spock said calmly. "I believe I will win this game."

"How so? You're a child and I'm an adult."

"I am a Vulcan and I do not need as much rest as a human."

"I think you're bluffing." Jim waved his hand. "Okay, let's eat," Jim saw the small frown on Spock's face. "What? You can eat this, right?"

"I have eaten sugar before. My mother said I am not allowed to eat it without her supervision."

Jim smiled. Spock was such an obedient kid, unlike him at that age. For Jim, 'no' meant 'yes' and 'in your dreams' meant 'hell yeah!'.

"Well, I'll be supervising… don't you think it's enough?"

Spock tilted his head and reached for a caramel apple. Jim took that as a 'yes'.

"Spock, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

"I am grown up," Spock said licking the apple with confusion, almost like it was a mystery to unravel.

"Oh, you know what I meant, kid. What would you have liked to do if you weren't in Starfleet?"

"I wanted to be admitted to the Vulcan Science Academy," he said in an odd tone.

"Nerdy as usual." Jim smiled.

"Doctor McCoy said the same thing. In any case, I obviously failed since I am here. I believe that my instructors were right after all, and I do not posses the same capacity as a full Vulcan. Being in Starfleet makes sense since it was probably my only choice"

Jim was familiar with those words, even though Spock pretended it wasn't a big deal. It was the self-pity thing that Jim had had going on since he was born under George Kirk's shadow. Being Spock probably wasn't as easy as Jim had thought it was. If anything, it looked like it was ten times worse.

"If it's any consolation, you were accepted by the Academy, but you told them to piss off and decided to go to Starfleet because we rule and they drool," Jim said to comfort the kid. How in seven hells did Jim know that? Spock hadn't said anything about it… yet he was sure Spock had rejected the Vulcan Academy.

"I did?" Spock didn't seem to believe it either. Jim nodded. "How unusual. No one rejects acceptance to the Academy."

"You were the first one. You are a rebel, Spock."

"I am not," Spock said shyly, but with a small smile.

"Don't sell yourself short. It's good that you're a revolutionary. You get to do what you want."

"It will be very satisfactory if I accomplish that," Spock mused.

"You already did, kid. Don't forget it." Jim smirked. "Now, it's getting late… you know what that means?"

"Are we going to sleep?"

"No, Spock! This party is barely starting. It means prank calls!"

"What are 'prank calls'?"

"When you dial someone and make a joke… unfortunately it doesn't work as well as the old-fashioned way used to because people can see you when you call, but sometimes we got costumes to scare them. Like 'a zombie called to say your brain isn't working'. It was funny."

Spock didn't look like he believed him, and he probably didn't get the joke either. It was fine; Bones didn't get it either when Jim tried to prank him at the Academy.

"Will not people get upset if we do this?"

"That's the point. Annoying others can be amusing."

"I understand. I distress my father often and I find it entertaining."

"Really? What do you do?"

"I meditate for one hour and forty five minutes instead of two hours."

"Wow, you are a rebel," Jim grinned. This kid was so cute. "Let's make some prank calls, then."

"How are we going to accomplish that? I believe everyone will know who makes the call."

"Not if we use the communicator. Bones first because he's grumpy."

Jim reached for his communicator and it wasn't long before they heard a sleepy "What?"

"Doctor McCoy," Jim said, disguising his voice, "you're the sexiest beast on this ship."

"What?" Bones sounded appalled "Who the hell is this?"

"I'm your biggest fan." Jim looked at Spock, who only raised an eyebrow.

"You better stop this immediately or I'm reporting you to the Captain," Bones threatened.

"But why?" Jim whined. "I'm just an innocent girl."

"You are not a girl," Spock corrected. Okay, the kid seriously needed training in what a prank involved.

"Jim?" Bones said angrily. "What the fuck, man?"

"Shh, Bones, I'm with Spock," Jim said in his normal voice. "We're having a sleepover."

"Did you two drink something that turned you into thirteen year old girls?" Bones sneered. "You better not have been giving him junk food!"

"Um… let's say I haven't. Okay, bye-bye Bones."

"I told you not to…"

Jim cut the communication before his friend started ranting about nutrition and how he found the concept of a sleepover idiotic.

"Wasn't that fun?" Jim asked Spock.

"I found it somewhat entertaining." Spock tilted his head in agreement.

"Now… Chekov!"

"I believe Mister Sulu would be a more fascinating call."

"You don't want to call Chekov?" Jim frowned. Spock kept glaring when he heard Chekov's name.

"He is a young male, if we disrupt his rest he could be inefficient in his work and get fired." Spock seemed to reconsider. "On second thought, he would be also a great source of amusement."

"Nah, you're right, Chekov needs his beauty sleep," Jim said. Spock kept up the glaring. "Sulu it is, then."

They kept calling the crew making jokes; Scotty was the funniest of all. After they got bored with the calls (mostly Jim got bored. Spock was only going with the flow) they started naming constellations to see which one of them knew more.

"And Andromeda is also…" Jim blinked, feeling tired.

"Jim, if you need to sleep, please do so," Spock said in a concerned tone.

"Nah, I'm fine. You just want to cheat in the contest. I can manage…" Jim lay down. "Maybe I'll just close my eyes for a second."

The last thing Jim saw before falling into a deep sleep was Spock's eyes filled with fondness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The prompt ‘sleepover’ requested by Lanie-san has been fulfilled, I hope you all enjoyed it. 
> 
> As always, a big thank you to my awesome beta Anbessette, who is amazing and patient with me.


	16. Chapter 4D: Omnis Homo Mendax

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No,” Jim said.
> 
> “Do not lie to me anymore.” Spock glared at him. He actually glared and Jim felt a sense of déjà vu. Spock had the same look as the adult version had when he was about to throttle someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now here comes the drama!

Jim blinked, wondering why he was on the floor instead of on his bed. Remembering what happened yesterday, Jim stood up quickly, chastising himself for leaving a kid without any adult supervision. He knew Spock was still awake when he fell asleep; he'd probably got bored and started wandering around the ship. What if he got hurt, or lost, or tried to contact his parents? How could he have been so irresponsible? Good thing Sulu was in charge of Lilly and Amanda had her relatives to take care of her. He was an idiot for…

 “Jim?”

Turning around quickly, Jim noticed Spock sitting on the floor at a prudent distant; he seemed to be in the traditional position for meditating. Jim let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

“Spock! Thank God! Wait… why are you awake?”

“I informed you that Vulcans do not need as much sleep as humans. I have completed my rest cycle and I must meditate to keep my barriers strong,” the kid explained in a matter-of-fact tone. The message left unsaid was clear: _I told you I would win, so there, ha, ha._

“Oh.” Jim blinked. “But you slept, right?”

“Yes.”

“How many hours?” Jim frowned. Kids needed more rest than adults, even Vulcan kids.

“I slept sufficiently,” Spock answered cryptically.

Spock said he was meditating; Jim had probably interrupted him with his small break-down.

“Sorry, you can continue with your meditation thing.” Jim smiled.

“Do not concern yourself, Jim. I had finished my exercises and I was waiting for you to wake up.”

“You just sat there waiting for me to wake up,” Jim repeated.

“Affirmative.”

The kid didn't seem jaded or annoyed about the waiting thing; Jim confirmed what he had thought, Vulcans were boring no matter the age. They were far too patient and controlled, if this kid had been him, he would have already started ripping something apart or wandering around to see everything. He thought better of voicing his thoughts though, Spock could get pissed again if Jim approached the ‘you aren't like a human kid’ topic.

“How about you take a shower, then? While you change, I'll take one too and then we can go and have breakfast.”

Spock didn't seem too thrilled about taking a shower; at least this was a normal behavior for a kid. He nodded, entering the bathroom as slowly as he could walk. Jim pinched the bridge of his nose; this was going to be a long day.

Spock obediently did everything Jim asked. He had meditated about the situation, and concluded that if he showed exceptional behavior, Jim might be inclined to let him stay aboard the Enterprise. Even though he was still considered a child by Starfleet standards, in comparison with other races he was intelligent and mature, and he probably was more efficient than some humans aboard the vessel. He was certain he was at least at the same level as the Russian man who kept smiling at Jim. He was young as well, Jim said he was seventeen. He wasn't considered an adult by his own race, if he was allowed to serve, it was logical to conclude that Spock wouldn't have a hard time convincing the Admiralty of the benefits of having a Vulcan aboard, even when he knew he wouldn't be serving with his adult rank. It didn't matter; he only wanted to stay.

During breakfast, Jim was explaining the next course of action to Spock. Spock didn't agree.

“I do not see why I have to stay aboard the ship,” Spock said in his best neutral voice.

“Last time you beamed down, you came back like this. I'm afraid that if you beam back again, you'll be turned into a baby,” Jim smiled.

Spock didn't find the comment amusing, but he didn't say anything about it. He was trying to show that he was respectful and could stick to orders. This wasn't different to when his father requested more control from Spock. He could manage without involving human emotions. It was hard, Spock was so tempted to convince Jim the way his mother convinced him to do things he didn't want to do: with a sad face and watery eyes. That would be shameful, but still, a small part of him was insisting on doing it.

“Why are you pouting, kid?” Jim asked suddenly. “You aren't beaming down. Anyway, you'll have a blast with Sulu; he volunteered to take you to the Botany lab.”

“If I was affected by the current mission, it is logical that I beam down with you and see what can be resolved.” Spock knew his argument held no value when he was nine years old and without any memory of his professional training. He had to try anyway.

“It's nice to know you are stubborn at any age,” Jim said gleefully.

“I am not stubborn,” Spock disagreed strongly.

“Yeah, you say the same thing every time,” Jim waved his hand, dismissing what Spock just said. He tried to subdue a small pang of annoyance at seeing this. His father was fond of dismissing what he had to say as well; that was one of the main reasons why Spock resented being a hybrid. If he was fully Vulcan, perhaps his father would be less patronizing. However, Jim didn't know about this, Spock had no reason to be upset just because Jim was treating him as he was used to treating children.

Although in Spock's opinion, children were often more intelligent and open than adults in several areas, no matter what the race.

“Captain,” Mister Sulu approached their table, “is Uhura beaming down with you?”

“Don't call me that,” Jim huffed. “And yes, she is.”

“I was hoping…”

Spock noticed the small hesitation in Mister Sulu's voice.

“… I know, you want to beam down and see the trees. I'm sorry Sulu, I need you here.” Jim sounded sympathetic. “Scotty is needed in the Transporter room, and I need you in charge of the conn in case anything happens… Perhaps you can beam down alone later, when we see if we can get a solution about our current predicament and…”

“You are the Captain at the moment,” Spock interrupted suddenly. “Your orders must be followed without the need for you to justify yourself.” Spock was surprised at the bitter tone in his voice.

Jim and Mister Sulu must be surprised as well, since they stared at Spock, gaping. He wasn't sure what exactly had motivated him to say that; he didn't like hearing Jim giving so many explanations about why he was requesting Mister Sulu staying on the ship. He was in charge and they all must obey; if Mister Sulu didn't like it, he could transfer to another vessel. This was strange for Spock; he felt a strong desire to protect Jim from any malicious comment, and he wanted to show Jim that even when he didn't agree with him, he would obey as any other individual in this ship should do. And if he was obeying without questioning Jim, other must do this as well.

“It sucks, right?” Jim composed himself quickly. “Us adults are idiots, Spock, I know. But I'm afraid that you are staying anyway, and I'm being an ass and imposing my authority, but I prefer that to seeing you hurt. It's for your own good, even when you don't see it right now.”

Jim had misunderstood Spock's intervention. He thought it was acrimony about the decision he made about Spock staying on the ship. He was about to clarify when Lieutenant Uhura walked towards them; she frowned the moment she saw Jim.

“Good morning, Captain, Sulu, Spock,” Lieutenant Uhura said quickly.

“Ready, Uhura?” Jim asked, smiling. Spock tried to subdue his discomfort at the gesture.

“You aren't wearing that, right?” Uhura looked at Jim with dismay.

“What's wrong with it?” Jim sounded hurt. “It's my uniform; I don't see why you're giving me the evil eye about it.”

“I do not see anything wrong with your attire, Jim,” Spock said, partly to reassure his friend. He also wanted to make it clear that he didn't resent Jim's decision, even when a small part of him did indeed resent it.

“See? I'm good.” Jim winked at Spock; he felt his face heating up. Why did Jim have this effect on him?

“I didn't mean it like that.” Lieutenant Uhura glanced at Spock with a questioning look. Spock puffed out his chest in a defensive manner in case the Lieutenant wanted to confront him about his comment. “You are wearing red.”

“So?”

“Captain, remember last time? Natives aren't fond of the color, you almost had to strip so they stopped glaring at you,” Lieutenant Uhura said in a tired tone.

Spock looked at Jim quickly, with an eyebrow arched.

“Oh, that's why you're wearing blue then,” Jim mused. “And I didn't strip,” he clarified after seeing Spock's stare. He felt more tranquil after hearing this. He wondered why the image of Jim without clothing in front of strangers distressed him; perhaps it was because Jim could get sick without the proper garments to protect him from the environment.

Now the Lieutenant was looking at Jim oddly. Spock felt rather distrustful of that judgmental stare.

“Perhaps you can wear gold this time,” Mister Sulu intervened. “You're the Captain after all.”

“I don't know,” Jim pondered. “It seems disrespectful. Maybe blue, Bones won't mind lending me a few shirts.”

“Bones does mind.” Doctor McCoy joined the table. “You're bulkier than me. I don't want you stretching my shirts.”

“What, then?” Jim glared at Doctor McCoy. “Are you suggesting I should go half naked?”

Spock didn't like the way the conversation was developing.

“If I recall correctly, being half naked has always been something you take advantage of,” Doctor McCoy spat.

“I doubt that would work in this case,” Jim said sarcastically.

“If you believe wearing the proper attire for a Captain is disrespectful to me, I assure you that I do not mind,” Spock said, attracting the attention of everyone on the table. “And you are Captain of the vessel.”

Jim looked taken aback; Spock felt a small rush of fear invade him. Had he upset Jim when he was trying to do the opposite? This was the second time that his intentions were misunderstood, perhaps it was prudent for Spock to just be quiet.

“I… well…” Jim blushed profusely. Interesting, Spock didn't know humans could get that shade of red; probably the consequence of having iron in their blood. “Blue is fine Spock, but thank you… it was… nice of you.”

Jim said it was nice of him, yet he didn't sound like he was grateful. He sounded ashamed, and Spock felt guilty; he didn't want Jim to be upset. He was having a hard time trying to be supportive, Spock wasn't used to this. He had no idea what a friend should do, and when he saw Doctor McCoy palming Jim's back and the thankful smile Jim flashed in his direction, Spock felt a pang of jealousy. The fact that he had just admitted to feeling jealousy showed how disturbed he was by the emotion. Why couldn't Spock behave more like McCoy, who obviously knew what do to when Jim needed him?

Spock wanting to be more like McCoy was clear proof of how much Jim meant to him; he hoped his adult self was better trained about these situations, otherwise he must be a terrible friend to Jim, and he deserved better.

“Come on, then,” McCoy said suddenly. “We better get you ready to beam down.”

“Okay. Uhura, I'll see you in the Transporter Room in ten minutes. Sulu, can you stay with Spock until he finishes his breakfast?”

“Of course, Captain.”

“May I see you beam down, Jim?” Spock asked shyly. He wanted to be sure that Jim was secure.

“Uhm…” Jim glanced at McCoy, which annoyed Spock. “Sure.”

Jim smiled kindly before walking away from the mess hall. Spock wasn't really sure what had just happened.

 

“Did you hear him?” Jim was panicking again. This was too much to handle in such short time.

“I'm not deaf.” Bones smirked. “Someone has a crush on you, Jimmy.”

“Shut up! He's a kid, it's disturbing.”

“Get over yourself, I bet you had crushes at Spock's age as well,” Bones scowled. “I don't see why you're making a big deal out of this.”

“It's…. he… and I…. It's not…”

“Informative,” Bones smiled.

“Fine, I'll stop complaining.” Jim sighed.

“What's the plan? Are you going to get violent with them or what?”

“No, I don't think it will work anyway. I'll try diplomacy first.”

Noticing the silent stare Bones was directing him, Jim frowned.

“What?”

“Hearing you say that you'll try diplomacy… it's bemusing…” Bones shook his head. “Maybe I'm too old for this shit.”

“Maybe I just grew up.”

“Maybe,” Bones smiled. “Where are you leaving your kid?”

“He's not my kid, and he's staying with Sulu. He's showing him Lilly, Sulu is ecstatic because it has…” Jim noticed Bones' smirk. “SHE has another blossom and it's blue.”

“It matches your eyes,” Bones cooed. “That's so sweet. Your other kid takes after you.”

“I'm done with kids. Next time I'm getting a pet rock or something.”

“Firefly reference?”

“Star Wars.”

“I never got those films.”

“Bones, you only watch westerns; that's why I hate having old movie marathons with you.”

They both smiled. It had been a while ago since they had a moment to just chat without worrying about missions, deaths or adults turning into kids. Sighing, Jim realized that it was time to beam down and see how the hell he was fixing this mess.

 

Spock saw Jim disappear from the Transporter room in a column of fading blue light. He was familiar with the technology, but he never had used it since he hadn't had left Vulcan. It was safer for him to stay there than to travel with his father, who probably wouldn't want him there anyway. He had to study and meditate; he didn't have time to accompany his father even if he had been asked if he wanted to come along.

He wondered how his mother handled being so far from what she called ‘home' and being distanced from her family. For a human, that must be difficult; Spock missed his mother, and it was barely two days since he last saw her – or, at least, remembered seeing her. This helped Spock to better understand the ‘nostalgia’ his mother claimed to feel from time to time. Perhaps he could have been more sympathetic towards his mother, although until now he had not truly grasped the complexity of the feeling. Perhaps when he returned to his adult self he could call his mother and share this new information. She would be thrilled to know that Spock finally got the feeling after all these years, ‘it's never too late’, according to her. Spock smiled. He felt excited to see his mother's face; her big smile and her kind words saying that she knew he could do it. True, he shouldn't feel that, he was Vulcan, but given the situation, he could indulge the feeling, if it made his mother happy.

Jim hadn't mentioned if the ion storm had passed, perhaps he could call his mother when Jim beamed back.

“Spock, would you like to see Lilly?”

Spock noticed how Lieutenant Sulu smiled at him. He nodded and followed his lead. He hoped he would be able to contact his parents and let them know he was okay. Then he realized that they wouldn't be worried because to them, he was an adult enrolled in Starfleet. He wasn't a kid, and they didn't need reassurance about Spock and his wellbeing.

Spock needed reassurance about them, though. He needed to know how they were, and see what they thought of this situation. His mother probably would make a very unhelpful comment, but that was what Spock missed about her. How she was so wise, and yet sometimes she said things that made no sense whatsoever. She was so _human_ … and he liked Jim because he was like his mother. He barely made sense sometimes, and yet he was intelligent and often had interesting arguments. They were unique, which was contradictory since if they both shared traits, then they weren't unique; to Spock, they seemed that way, as incongruous as it sounded. Spock wanted to share  information about his friendship with Jim with his mother too, but maybe she was already aware of it. He wondered if they had met already, or if they had conversed. Jim hadn't mentioned anything, Spock would bear this in mind next time he saw Jim and ask him about it.

 

Jim was bored. Bored, bored, bored and bored. Uhura and the blue things-natives had been making noises for two hours, and he was left to sit on a rock (blue, in case anyone questioned the devotion these fellows had to the color) and watch them. They seemed less wary about him with the blue shirt, but he sensed eyes on him from time to time to see if he was behaving. He wondered… if he stuck out his tongue and whirled it around… would they be offended or just aroused? Maybe they wouldn't even know the uses of tongue except for making noises.

This proved how bored Jim was. His mind always sidetracked to naughtiness when he had nothing to do but wait. Seeing the Ambassador kissing his Jim on the observation deck didn't help at this moment either.

“Are you okay?” Uhura frowned when she saw how Jim shook his head.

“Yeah. What happened? What did they say?”

“Well… they say that we did well, and they will join the Federation _if_ we agree to never force any outsiders' ways on them.”

“That sounds reasonable… about Spock?”

“They don't see anything wrong with Spock. As far as they're concerned, Spock proved himself worthy and he should admit his true nature now that they have shown it.”

“His true nature?” Jim was starting to get angry. “He's a fucking child! Is he supposed to admit that he was once a kid? Because even though Spock is dense about human emotions, I think it's safe to say he admits that he was a child one time.”

“Look, I'm just telling you what they told me, no need to get snippy.” Uhura crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“Sorry,” Jim sighed. This didn't look good at all. “And if he doesn't find his true nature… then what?”

Jim noticed Uhura chewing the inside of her cheek, like she was afraid of saying what they both feared out loud.

“If he finds his true nature, he's back to normal. If he doesn't… he must live again to find it.”

“That means he has to grow up again, right?” Jim felt like a ton of bricks just fell on his head. “It would have been easier if he had been a mug.”

“What?”

“Nothing. So they won't return Spock to normal?”

“No.”

“But they can.” Jim looked Uhura with determination.

“Yes,” Uhura fidgeted, “they can, but they won't. He agreed, Jim, and even if we don't like it, they won't return Spock to normal. They had a purpose when they did that.”

“Driving us nuts?” Jim glared.

“Perhaps.” Uhura smiled weakly. “What are you orders?”

“We are going to beam back again. Tell them that tomorrow we'll sign the treaty and then we'll see how it goes from there.”

Uhura made a few guttural noises, and the natives nodded enthusiastically. Well, at least someone found this amusing. As he was asking Scotty to beam them back up, he noticed a blue figure next to one of those who seemed to be the leaders of the planet. It was female if the hips and breasts were enough proof, but she was… different from the others. She looked less blue, if that made any sense, and she looked way too fragile. Jim wondered if she was sick, he could clearly see that there was something wrong with her. Jim tilted his head, and the girl imitated the gesture. Weird… blue light surrounded them, and when Jim blinked, he was in the Transporter room.

“Captain,” Scotty greeted. “How did it go?”

“Not very well Scotty,” Jim sighed, massaging his temples.

Jim saw the glance that Scotty and Uhura exchanged. He wondered if he was this obvious as well and Spock just pretended he didn't notice the non-verbal communication he sometimes shared with the crew. He took out his communicator.

“McCoy,” he heard Bones' voice.

“Doctor McCoy, please meet me in the Conference room for an urgent meeting,” Jim said in his best Captain voice that he'd practiced way before he thought of joining Starfleet.

“On my way, McCoy out.”

Jim was glad Bones didn't make any jokes about how stupid he sounded; maybe he realized how seriously Jim was taking this thing. They had a child and there was no way to return him to normal now. They needed to decide what to do at this point.

“Uhura, Scotty, please join me in the Conference room,” Jim said politely.

“Of course, Captain.”

They walked in silence, Jim still thinking how he was handling this. Bones was already waiting for them; Jim let Uhura and Scotty enter the room and walked in behind them, letting the door close and activating the security lock.

“If Leonard and Scotty weren't here too, I would be afraid,” Uhura tried to joke.

“Don't worry,” Jim smiled, “you're safe.”

Jim sat down, pinching the bridge of his nose. Damn, he would get a migraine later.

“I guess things didn't turn out well,” Bones said in a low voice.

“That would be correct. Spock has to find his true nature, or grow up again and discover it,” Jim said neutrally.

“What?” Bones gaped. “They are letting an adult staying as a kid just because they’re nagging about ‘true nature’?”

“It's their way,” Uhura defended. “Spock agreed.”

“Spock didn't know what he was doing. If they had said this, perhaps he would have done differently,” Bones spat.

“They said there were risks, including death, and Spock was still fine with it.” Uhura glared at Bones, hard.

“They never mentioned that they had the ability to change life-stages; if he was turned into an 80 year old, I bet you'd be worried.”

“Not really, Vulcans have a long life-span.”

“I don't know why you are being supportive of this stupid thing. He was your boyfriend, shouldn't you at least be concerned that he's experiencing something like this?”

“We can't change what happened, we shouldn't judge either. They gave us the choice and Spock took it. He knows more about taking responsibility for actions than all of us.”

“Man, you're really cold,” Bones said.

“And you lack objectivity,” Uhura bit out.

“Are you two done?” Jim interrupted the discussion. That shut them up immediately, which Jim was grateful for. He wasn't in the mood to mediate things. Besides he was amazed that Bones had been _defending_ Spock, Jim expected the opposite. Scotty just watched in silent contemplation; he and Jim had exchanged looks while Bones and Uhura were arguing and they came to the unspoken conclusion that they needed to vent their frustrations out loud. “Thank you for your insight, it is always appreciated. Still, we have to decide what to do next. I don't have a Commander since _I'm_ the Commander on this damn ship, so Scotty, you're up for the post at the moment.”

Scotty gaped, looking rather pissed. Yeah, he didn't want the post, Jim knew that; too bad he didn't care at the moment. He needed a Commander, and if Spock was staying like this permanently, he really needed to get things working without Spock in charge.

“It's temporary, Scotty,” Jim lied. “We have to figure things out; I need a second in command. I'm giving you a promotion, be happy and move on.”

“I don't want it, Captain,” Scotty said sourly.

“I didn't exactly ask to be Captain while Spock's incapacitated for life; we suck it up and do our jobs, okay? This goes for everyone in this room. I don't care what your personal opinions about the situation are. We can all say whatever we want, but Uhura is right about something: we can't change what happened. We need to decide what we are going to do from here, okay?”

Everyone nodded their agreement, and Jim felt relieved. He wasn't sure if his speech was going to work, it was the first time he'd assumed control like this since the Narada incident.

“Bones, did you find anything to help Spock return to normal?” Jim asked after taking a deep breath.

“No. His readings are normal, nothing out of the ordinary. No strange toxins or substances, M'Benga said that he was normal in the telepathy thing as well. He didn't find anything wrong medically speaking, so there's no way to turn him back to normal if he _is_ normal.”

Jim was expecting it, but still felt disappointed. When were all the magical and crazy solutions when you were looking for one?

“Scotty, any way we could return Spock to normal by ourselves?”

“Since Mister Spock wasn't turned into a lad with anything mechanical or any technology that we know of, we can't build something to help him.”

“If the natives let you into the sacred chamber, maybe you…”

“No, that won't be possible.” Uhura interrupted. “To them, it would be a great insult. Only chosen ones can enter.”

“Well, if they lend us the magic rock…”

“They seem to be the only ones who are able to activate it. The energy to use it comes from them; I doubt they would use it to do what they've already refused to.”

“So… what are our options?”

“We could make Spock see his true nature,” Bones said in a low voice.

“We don't even know what his true nature is.” Jim sighed again.

“Maybe we can keep talking to him and see if we can help him discover it. It could work,” Uhura suggested.

“But it could also fail,” Jim pointed out. “We can't have a kid onboard permanently; this is not an adequate environment for him. What do you think, Bones?”

“The kid needs to be in a healthier environment, I agree with that. We can't provide the things that a growing Vulcan needs.”

“Uhura?”

“Spock is a child, even when we aren't used to seeing him that way. We should do what is best for him.”

“Scotty?”

“We can't wait to see if he somehow manages to return to an adult, it could take time and he would be asking about events we can't explain.”

Jim smiled sadly. All made valid points, Scotty in particular. Spock was a curious child, he was going to need a lot of supervision if they wanted to keep him in the dark about what happened to Vulcan. They couldn't spend their lives protecting Spock when they also had a ship to run.

“Then it's settled. Let's wait until the end of the week. If Spock hasn't found his true nature yet… we'll call his father and let him know what happened, so he can return to his own people.”

Jim's heart broke after he said this, and he lowered his gaze to avoid looking at the others. Why this affected him so strongly was unnerving; Jim felt like he was about to lose the thing that allowed him to breathe. Damn emotional transference from other dimension's memories.

“About the ship?” Uhura asked timidly.

“I'm assuming command, Scotty stays First Officer for the moment, and I'll report to the Admiralty. Uhura, Scotty, go to the Bridge, I'll join you in a moment.”

“Yes, sir,” they both said at the same time, standing up. Jim unlocked the door and watched them leave.

“Are you okay, kid?” Bones asked, concerned.

“I'm not sure. I guess I feel bad for Spock…”

Bones didn't seem to buy it, but he didn't say anything else. He just stood up and walked towards Jim, who was leaning on the table for support.

“It's the best thing for him,” Bones said, hugging Jim. “You're doing the right thing.”

If that was true, why did Jim feel like it was tearing him apart? He tried to contain his sadness; he hadn't time to feel sad or frustrated. He had a ship to run.

However, in his best friend's arms, Jim decided to let this small part of him break. His body trembled lightly and he let out a small groan filled with disappointment and anger. If he was doing the best thing for Spock, how come that made him completely miserable? Just the idea of Spock returning to the Vulcan colony made Jim lonely. He liked to think that he and Spock could have been friends, at least in the basic meaning of the term, not the epic bond he saw constantly in the Ambassador's memories. He liked to think that he could be a part of Spock's life as much as Spock was becoming a part of his own. Now he would lose that, and he wasn't sure if that should affect him this way; he barely knew Spock, and he felt like he was giving up the best thing in his life. How messed up was that?

“What are you doing?”

Jim was startled to hear the small growl that accompanied that question. Bones just lifted his eyebrow curiously at the tiny figure next to Sulu, standing near the door.

“We were returning from the Botany lab,” explained Sulu quickly, looking uncomfortable.

“Did you like Lilly, Spock?” Jim asked cheerfully, trying to subdue his bitterness and his wrecked emotional state.

“It was an educational visit,” Spock said crossly. “May I ask why Doctor McCoy is holding you, Jim?”

“Oh… he… I…” Jim shouldn't be intimidated by the glare of a nine year old, and yet he was scared of getting that question wrong.

“Well Spock, he's my friend. As such, I get to hug him whenever I want,” Bones said drily, still holding Jim.

“Bones,” Jim warned. He didn't need Spock angry; enough persons on the ship felt that way without adding a Vulcan.

“I was not aware of that,” Spock mused. “Is it customary for humans to embrace friends as well? I thought that was only meant for blood relations since it is a very personal gesture.”

“No, friends hug, right Sulu?” Jim smirked. Sulu blushed, avoiding Jim's gaze.

“Is it also customary that the embrace is this prolonged? Doctor McCoy has been embracing you for approximately one point five minutes since we arrived.”

“There's no time limit for hugs, Spock,” Jim explained. “However, I agree that this one is taking far too long. Bones, get your paws off my body.”

“So Spock, are you next in line? Jim just looooooves when people hug him.” Bones grinned.

“Don't worry Spock, you don't have to hug me, I know Vulcans don't like that kind of contact,” Jim said in a rush, without noticing the disappointment in Spock's eyes. “Everything okay, then?”

Sulu nodded while Spock walked to stand next to Jim. Damn, this kid wasn't giving him a break, was he?

“Have you eaten yet, Spock?” Jim asked.

“Negative.”

“How about we get something from the mess hall? Let me tell Scotty and we can go, okay?”

“Very well.”

Jim knew that tone of voice. It was excitement. He felt a small pang of guilt. He decided to take the opportunity to spend as much time as he could with Spock, either to help him discover his true nature, or just to create memories… because when Spock returned to Vulcan, that was going to be all Jim would have from Spock; only memories.

“Jim, are you well?”

“Yeah, I'm fine.” Jim flashed his best smile. “Let's go.”

Jim felt a small tug on his arm, and he turned to see Bones looking at him with a frown. Jim nodded, knowing the meaning of the gesture: _be careful_.

 

Spock didn't know what had happened on the planet, but when he was walking with Mister Sulu and noticed Jim and Doctor McCoy in a very personal embrace, he had to step in. He wasn't sure about his motivations, he only knew he had to stop it, and he even growled. He wished that Jim didn't hear it, he didn't seem to have done so, he didn't mention anything. When McCoy said that friends also embrace as a way to show affection, Spock felt a small thrill. He had only been embraced by his mother, no matter how many times he told her he didn't like it. It wasn't entirely true – he felt uncomfortable, but he did enjoy the warmth and closeness that the gesture allowed. He would like to experience that with Jim.

However, Jim said it wasn't necessary, and Spock didn't want to push the boundaries of their friendship. He would have liked to embrace Jim, but perhaps they weren't at that stage of their acquaintance. It looked like Doctor McCoy knew Jim better, and Spock wasn't sure about the social protocol in these kind of situations. He let his disappointment flow, and felt content with sharing his meal with Jim even when he wasn't really hungry.

Besides, he wanted to talk to Jim. What he'd just discussed with Lieutenant Sulu left Spock wondering a lot of things. According to Mister Sulu, Spock had only beamed down on one mission, letting Jim handle the rest. For what he gathered, Jim beamed down when missions were dangerous, which made absolutely no sense to him. How was it that a Commander beamed down to hostile missions while the Captain stayed on the ship? That couldn't be correct, the Captain must be on dangerous missions to prevent any harm to his crew.

Spock decided to ask first about his current situation, and then express what was bothering him.

“I'm sorry, kid,” Jim said apologetically. “We haven't found a way to return you to normal.”

Spock tried to hide his surprise. He hadn't stated his question out loud.

“Your eyes,” explained Jim, without letting Spock express his second query out loud. “They asked me for you.”

Spock's mother often said that his eyes betrayed his Vulcan heritage, now he saw she was right.

“I see.” Spock didn't have another reply; he hardly could argue something that was blatantly obvious. “What shall we do?”

“We'll wait; maybe you can return to your adult self on your own.”

Spock lifted an eyebrow.

“Yeah, yeah, I know, it's worth a try, right?” Jim chuckled.

It was bemusing. Jim seemed to know what Spock meant without the necessity of him voicing his thoughts.

“We're going back tomorrow, maybe something will come up.”

They stayed silent while Spock tried to think of the best way to approach the subject he wanted to without sounding rude or demanding.

“Spill it, kid,” Jim said calmly. “You won't offend me, it takes a lot to manage that.”

Spock was sure he was showing his surprise no matter how much he tried to conceal it. If he didn't know Jim was human, he would say he had telepathic abilities. The way he just knew what Spock was thinking was uncanny.

“The eyes,” said Jim again. “You have that look when you want to ask me something, but you're afraid that I'll get angry.”

Apparently Jim knew him better than Spock had suspected. This made him feel relieved for an unknown reason. Maybe it was because only his mother truly knew him; it was reassuring knowing that he had another person in his life who cared enough to fight all his Vulcan resistance and felt he was worth the time. Spock had resigned himself a long time ago to the fact that his mother was the only person who didn't mind the effort.

“I was talking with Lieutenant Sulu,” Spock said finally. “He explained how the mission where you got the plant went, and he told me about other missions as well.”

“Okay…” Jim encouraged him to continue.

“There is a detail that I cannot comprehend. I apologize if I sound blunt. Am I an incompetent Captain?”

Jim gaped while he tried to recover the spoon that slipped from his fingers when he heard Spock.

“W-what?”

Spock knew Jim had heard him. Humans often asked for repetition when they didn't like what someone said. Spock just titled his head.

“What makes you say that?” asked Jim, trying to regain some composure. Spock understood what his mother meant by ‘cute expression’ when he saw Jim. He had the most endearing expression he had ever seen.

“According to the Lieutenant, you were injured when you beamed down on two different missions whilst I stayed aboard. You seem to take the missions that are labeled as dangerous, and I concluded that it was because I cannot fulfill my job properly and need your constant help. If that is the case and you are doing this for the sake of our friendship, I wonder how I allowed it, and mostly, how I managed to get the Captaincy if you seem to be better suited for the post.”

Spock spoke calmly and he sounded rational enough. He didn't sound petty or angry, and he was truly curious about the answer Jim would provide. It was indeed a puzzle how he allowed Jim to cover his incompetence and, more than that, how he hadn't prepared better for his job. He hoped that what Jim was about to say didn't hurt his already beaten pride.

Jim wasn't sure how to answer Spock. He had no idea the kid had concluded that Jim was better just because he took the risks. He decided to quote regulations.

“According to regulations, the Captain and First Officer cannot beam down at the same time when a mission is labeled as dangerous,” Jim explained. “The ship needs someone in command at all times.”

“That does not explain why you are the one beaming down all the time.” Spock lifted his eyebrow.

“It doesn't have to do with ability, Spock. You're the best Captain in the whole fleet; you're rational, make decisions quickly and can kick everyone's ass with your super strength.” Jim noticed how Spock blushed lightly. He felt a small tug in his head again. “But you chose the wrong Commander.”

“I beg your pardon?” Spock said in a clipped tone.

“You chose me to be your first, but you never took in account that I'm stubborn, I defy protocol all the time and I have little respect for authority; so when a dangerous mission is assigned, I discuss things with you and then I do whatever I want. I even manage to quote a few regulations to keep you in check, but the truth is that if you opposed me, I wouldn't care. I'm your Commander, I'm the one who should take the risks. I'm not important, you are the one who really matters.”

Spock seemed to be digesting what he had said, and Jim admitted that perhaps he'd gone too far and made a fool of himself. Spock had no idea of what was the adult version of him had been thinking when he decided to ask Jim to join his crew. He didn't want Spock to believe that he was incompetent, though.

“I believe I noted all those characteristics, and they were what made me choose you,” Spock said. “And you are as important as I am on the ship, we are a team, correct?”

“Well, yeah, but…”

“Then, if I remember correctly, team work requires effort. It is not fair that one member of the team exhaust himself because he feels he should do everything alone. The sole purpose of team work is not doing things as individuals. I concede that differences can emerge, but that is not justification for wanting to ignore the team in order to make things our own way and make the rest of the team feel ineffective.”

Jim felt like Spock had just punched him. The kid seemed really invested in this topic, and Jim wondered if adult Spock ever felt this way and kid Spock was just gutsy enough to say it to Jim's face. He had to admit that adult Spock always seemed to be wary of what he said, using tact in a way that should be illegal. Jim was so focused on keeping Spock out of danger, he forgot that perhaps his good intentions were misinterpreted. Damn, he'd messed up again. The Kirk charm: even when you are doing a good deed, you screw up.

“You're right,” Jim said, trying to sound calm. “I guess I was just trying to protect you… since it's my job and all.” Jim didn't know why he needed to clarify that taking care of Spock was done simply as his task. Truth was, Jim would do it even if he didn't have to.

“A noble intention.” Spock titled his head; this was exactly what adult Spock would say. “Nevertheless, inefficient. I imagine that if I was not capable of the job, I would not have obtained it, unless you helped me to get the Captaincy, which would be bemusing since it would be morally wrong and illogical, and I doubt I will change my mind about the topic even when I am older.”

“Right again, you don't back down when you think something is wrong. No, I didn't help you, you earned it.”

“Then I am capable of defending myself, perhaps better than you,” Spock pointed out and yes, he had that annoying tone Spock used when he wanted to prove how weak Jim was in comparison with ‘Vulcan strength and fighting techniques’ or some bull like that; how he hated that tone. It was more tolerable from the kid, but still annoying.

“It shouldn't mean that you need to risk your neck in everything… and why am I discussing this with a kid anyway? Your concerns right now should be… I don't know, what do you do for fun?”

Jim saw the eyebrow lifted. _You don't fool me with the change of topic, you know I'm right_.

“I do not understand,” Spock said neutrally.

“Yeah, what are your hobbies? Do you like to play some sport?”

“Oh… enjoyment time.” Spock nodded. “My mother often obliged me to take an hour of my schedule to partake in activities that were of no benefit for my learning or development. I like to play board games.”

“Like Monopoly?”

“That would be one of the games my mother insisted on playing. They were old designs. I have suggested that we ‘play’ with the advantages of technology, however she insists that ‘the old-fashioned way' is the best choice.”

“I totally agree with her,” Jim said, “it's just not the same.”

“I thought you would agree. You two are very alike.”

“Are you calling me a woman?” Jim pretended to be hurt.

“Of course not, that would be illogical, you were born a male, therefore I could not call you a female without lying. Vulcans do not lie,” Spock explained quickly, looking like he was afraid of offending Jim.

“Vulcans don't lie, huh?” Jim smirked. “Are you sure? You said you meditated for one hour and forty five minutes instead of two hours, don't you lie to your father then?”

“No. He inquires if I have realized all my meditation exercises, which I do, but not in the time-frame he expects.”

“Sneaky. I've noticed you do that. You answer in such a vague way we don't know what you mean.”

“The problem is with the inquiring technique; the question should be expressed clearly to avoid misunderstandings. General questions lead to general answers. Specific questions lead to knowledge.”

“Are you sure you're nine?” Jim frowned. “You sound even more uptight than our adult Spock.”

“Perhaps my speech was modified once I stopped my quest to prove myself worthy of my culture,” Spock said coldly. “Does it bother you?”

“No, I'm good. Just…” Jim didn't know what to say. “It's fun.” _Idiot_ , thought Jim _you couldn't come up with something better?_

Spock only nodded.

“Jim… If I may….”

“What's up?”

“Is that a figurative query? Mother often asks this kind of question and I am not sure of the correct answer.”

Figurative query? What the hell was that? Oh, right! Spock was formal at this age, he didn't know human colloquialisms. His only human contact so far had been with his mother.

“I meant that you can ask anything you want,” Jim clarified.

“Oh…. Very well. I was wondering if I can talk to my parents.” Spock bit his bottom lip.

Jim felt an adrenaline rush run through his entire body; he knew he had to maintain the lie, yet he was frozen about what to do. If Spock didn't return to normal, he would have to know about his mother. But if he returned to his adult self, there was no need to traumatize the kid.

“I'm afraid we're still having problems with our communicators, I'm sorry Spock.” Jim truly was sorry.

“I see.”

Jim looked at Spock, noticing the kid's small frown; he wasn't sure if Spock thought Jim was lying or if he was just upset because he missed his parents.

“Would you like to play chess, Spock? I bet I can win.” Jim smiled gently.

Spock nodded again, smiling weakly as well. Poor kid, this needed to be resolved fast or else things could get really ugly. He had a lot to consider though, after hearing Spock's musings about the leadership on the Enterprise. Maybe Spock was right and he needed to back off, adult Spock had expressed how tiring it was for him to have a second in command who questioned him all the time. This was something to sleep on, if sleep ever came. Jim predicted he would be up all night thinking about how messed up things were.

 

Jim observed as Uhura and the natives spoke with several noises. He should have made Uhura teach him this thing, but there wasn't enough time for Jim to grasp the complexity of the sounds, or so Uhura said. She was the best in her field, Jim gave her credit, but he was also very proficient with languages. She could ask around and confirm it. Too bad Uhura still thought Jim was an idiot… which was still an improvement from thinking he was a dumb hick who only had sex with farm animals.

“They want us to explore the planet with them and they will explain their culture to us,” Uhura said after making a weird sound.

“And then they'll sign the treaty?” Jim was impatient. Spock was a child, and if they didn't sign after that, then this would suck. They should at least obtain what the stupid Admiralty wanted so they could back off.

“Yes, after they explain.”

“All right then. Lead the way.”

Uhura made a few clacking noises, and the natives nodded.

“Just to be clear, if you want something you must ask first.”

“Of course, I'm a polite person,” Jim said mockingly.

“I'm sure,” Uhura said drily.

The natives started walking, and Jim followed them without exactly being invited by anyone. Since Uhura was the only one able to communicate with them, they probably saw it as useless to acknowledge Jim as a part of the ride. Not the first time it had happened, probably not the last. Jim had no problem with blending into the background. It gave him a better perspective than being the one in the spotlight. Contrary to what everyone thought of him, Jim didn't go around showing off what he could do. He just did it, and if people noticed it, great, if they didn't, it wouldn't kill him.

They had been walking for at least half an hour, when Jim noticed the girl he saw yesterday sitting near a blue tree. She looked contemplative. Since nobody gave a shit about Jim being part of the exploring group, he walked as discreetly as he could towards the girl, without attracting too much attention to himself. This could be his opportunity find out something to help Spock.

The group kept walking, not even noticing Jim was gone; excellent. He sat down next to the girl, who only looked at him with a weird expression. Jim didn't know if it was anger or boredom. What was the noise Uhura made when she wanted to say ‘hi’? It was something like rolling the tongue… Jim decided to just go with the sound that fit best and see what happened.

The girl blinked and returned the sound. Great, either he said ‘hi’ or he insulted her and she insulted him back. Trying to think of another way to communicate with her, Jim tilted his head in deliberation; the girl imitated the gesture, tilting her head to the same side Jim just did. Perplexing.

“I come in peace?” Jim said, raising his hand like he'd seen in the old movies. That was really stupid, Jim was doing a lot of those things lately.

The girl made a few noises that of course Jim didn't understand. Jim tried to imitate the sound and the girl gaped. Okay, bad move.

“No, no,” Jim shook his head. “I…” Jim tried to backtrack and see if he could make another noise. He ended making a ‘mu’ sound that the girl found confusing if the eyes were any indication.

“This would be a lot easier if we had some sort of translator,” Jim muttered. “Honestly, how can someone do his job if Starfleet doesn't even…”

Before Jim could continue rambling, the girl took both sides of his head with her hands, and closed her eyes. Jim felt a small dose of fear; what if she turned him into… what would be his true nature? A worm? He decided to leave the self-image issues for later and focus on whatever the girl was doing, which didn't seem to be much. She was just touching his head, and not in a way that could be labeled inappropriate.

She finally let go, opening her eyes slowly and blinking.

“Hello,” she said in a raspy voice.

Jim was too surprised to yell.

“W-what… you can talk?”

“I can communicate with what I learned about your language,” the girl said slowly.

“But… but… if you can do that, how come nobody else did it when we were trying to negotiate?”

“You are outsiders. The elders believe in preserving our gifts and they thought you should adapt to us instead of the other way.” The girl sounded annoyed.

“And I see you don't agree.”

“I do not agree with many things the elders say.” She tilted her head. “I feel your distress.”

“Well… it's weird. Can you really talk just from putting your hands on the sides of my head?”

“I talked before I did that. To a better understanding, I absorbed your sounds and language, you were the one who made the first contact.”

“I guess you're right on that one.” Jim sighed. Okay, now he'd better obtain something juicy from this. “Can I ask you something?”

The girl blinked. Jim took that as a yes.

“Do you know how to reverse what happened to our Captain?”

“He has to find his true nature,” she said calmly.

“Yeah, I know that one. I mean another way… something magical; can you touch him and return him to normal?”

“The sacred chamber does not reverse its gifts. That was a gift, it cannot be reverted without logical reason.”

“Are you sure?” Jim knew that if he said they couldn't have a kid as Captain the natives wouldn't give a damn. It wasn't a logical reason for them.

“It was a gift.”

Yeah, some gift. They should have made a list of acceptable gifts for them or something. Jim pinched the bridge of his nose; he was making this gesture a lot lately. They stayed silent for a few moments, and Jim decided to inquire about the culture. At least he could understand this time instead of letting Uhura get all the info.

“I don't want to sound rude, but how come you aren't as blue as the others?” Jim asked.

The girl titled her head again. She probably thought this meant ‘what?’ or something, she did that when Jim seemed to confuse her.

“All the other fellows are shiny blue, you are… less shiny; are you sick?” Jim asked, pointing to the girl's arms.

“You are also less shiny than the others,” the girl said. “Are you sick?”

“We aren't shiny.”

“You are less shinny here.” The girl lifted her hand and poked Jim's left eye.

“Ouch! Hey! Why did you do that for?” Jim rubbed his eye, looking at the girl sourly with the non-poked eye.

“I apologize. I thought you would stop me, as I stopped you.”

“You didn't stop me, I stopped by myself knowing not to poke people,” Jim muttered angrily. Damn, that hurt.

“I stopped you. Are you sick?”

“No, I'm not sick. And why do you say I'm less shiny? My eyes are fine… well, before you decided to take one out.”

The girl blinked repeatedly, like she was assimilating the information.

“Your companions have shiny eyes. Your eyes are not shiny. The elders and the siblings are shiny, I am not shiny.”

“Thanks for the clarification. So… are you less shiny because you're sick or what?”

“I believe we have the same disease. We have damaged souls.”

Well, how Jim could argue with _that_? Even if for some reason he believed he had a soul, it probably would be damaged after everything he lived through.

“Perhaps you're right, we have the same disease. Any idea how to cure us?”

“It could help if we know why the soul is sick. I feel your mourning about the losses in your life.” The girl poked Jim's chest. “It damages the soul, having those regrets.”

“No more poking, okay?” The girl retrieved her hand quickly. “And this isn't fear, you got to know me with your absorbing thing, and I barely know anything about you.”

“What would you like to know?”

“First, what's your name?”

The girl made a clacking sound twice.

“Nice to meet you,” Jim said. “Why do you think your soul is damaged?”

“I am dying.”

That was the last thing Jim expected to hear.

“Then you are sick,” Jim said forcefully. “What's wrong?”

“I do not know. The elders say I am dying soon.”

“And they can't put you in the chamber or something? It could help you… Or they could give you medicine… we have a doctor onboard if you want a second opinion.”

“I do not want to. Dying is a part of mortality; if it is my duty, I will die regardless of what I do to prevent it.”

“How is that your duty?” Jim frowned.

“It brings balance to the universe. Mortals dying means mortals are born as well. It would not be possible for the universe to exist if it did not reach that balance. If nobody died, then everyone would be born and it would be chaotic. In order to reach balance, I must die. My duty is letting another mortal be a part of the universe as I am.”

“That makes sense in a twisted way… but I think it's stupid.”

The girl tilted her head.

“If you live expecting to die, well, that's just depressing; you're saying you want to give  someone else the opportunity to enjoy life, but you aren't enjoying it because you're focused on dying. Then you aren't living. Maybe you're dying, but you don't know when, it could be tomorrow….” _It could be in five months, it could be in ten years. We'll die, and I'm taking advantage of the opportunity of being here, Jim. I'm living…_ Jim rephrased Kevin's words when they talked about Tarsus. He had been living… while Jim just existed.

“It would make a difference if I enjoy my life, even when I know I will die?” the girl asked, genuinely confused.

“It will help your damaged soul,” Jim said softly. _And mine too_ , he thought bitterly.

“The elders are coming, I can feel them. I apologize.”

“Why?”

Last thing Jim saw was the girl touching his forehead, and then darkness.

 

“Welcome to the world of the living.” Jim heard Bones' voice echoing. “Open you goddamned eyes already.”

Jim stirred, blinking slowly. What happened? He sat up quickly, remembering the mission and the girl.

“Easy.” Bones put his hands on Jim's chest to stop him. “How are you feeling?”

“Confused,” Jim frowned. “Why am I in sickbay?”

“Scotty brought you. Apparently you pissed off a girl or something and she knocked you unconscious.” Bones smiled. “We're thinking of giving her a present for that.”

“I didn't piss her off, she was… never mind,” Jim sighed. She probably didn't want to be caught talking to an outsider. “Uhura?”

“Yes, Captain?” Uhura came into view. She was in Sickbay too?

“Did something happen to you?” Jim looked at her doubtfully.

“No, I was waiting for you to wake up. Spock was here for a while, I convinced him to go and wait for you in your quarters with Yeoman Rand watching him.”

“Sounds good,” Jim said tiredly. “The mission?”

“Everything went smoothly; the girl we found standing next to you while you were lying unconscious apologizes deeply for causing it. She said it was necessary, though… I have to ask sir, and please don't take offense but… were you hitting on her or something?”

“What? No! Why? Did she say something?”

“No, but she looked regretful about putting you to sleep, she apologized several times and she said it was necessary.”

“I didn't do anything.” Well… in a sense he had, but he couldn't explain that to Uhura. Jim suddenly felt something strange. Like… sadness. Why would he be sad? Then a jolt of anger and shock… _Spock_.

“I have to go.” Jim got up quickly from the bed, bolting from Sickbay before Bones could stop him. It was weird, Jim felt like Spock was in trouble or something had happened to the kid; but Rand was with him, he couldn't be hurt.

He punched the code to his room, and in the moment he stepped in, he knew things had gone to hell already. Spock was standing in front of his desk, with a picture in his hands. The picture Jim had kept to remind him of the ones he lost… the picture of the Memorial Wall honoring all the deaths in the Narada incident.

Spock didn't seem to notice Jim in the room, as he stared at the picture with disbelief. Jim tried to think of how to explain everything in case Spock hadn't connected the dots yet and was just curious or something.

“This is why I cannot call my parents, correct?” Spock said in a low and dangerous voice. “They are dead.”

Jim gulped. He had to be honest now; not much else he could do at this point. He was an idiot, how could he forget about the picture? He ordered everyone not to screw up things and he was the first one who did. Guilt, fear and sadness rushed inside of him.

“No,” Jim said.

“Do not lie to me anymore.” Spock glared at him. He actually glared and Jim felt a sense of déjà vu. Spock had the same look as the adult version had when he was about to throttle someone.

“I'm not lying. Your dad is alive. Spock…”

“Do not speak,” Spock demanded and Jim shut his mouth. “You lied to me, you deceived me. You pretended to be my friend… I… My mother…”

Next thing Jim knew, he had an angry Vulcan unleashing his entire wrath with punches that Jim tried to dodge and block the best he could, even when they weren't exactly aimed at him, but at the furniture around them. Spock was crying, which broke Jim more; he had tried so hard to prevent this, to spare Spock any suffering, and he'd failed again. He was a failure, and pathetic, and he should be exiled to avoid damaging others. Spock kept breaking things, kicking whatever crossed his path and giving Jim the biggest bruises he'd ever had so far since he was trying to stop him. He called Jim a liar, and sobbed while he crashed the picture into the nearest wall. Spock was about to hurt himself, sometimes when you were angry you didn't even notice your own wounds. He had to do something to stop him or they could be damaged severely, not just Jim but Spock as well.

_I would avoid any contact with his hands_ … Jim was desperate. He decided to stop thinking and just do something, and he grabbed Spock's hands with force. That did the trick, the kid froze, seeing their hands joined and Jim squeezed them a little. Spock then blushed intensely, and broke the contact vehemently.

“I'm sorry, Spock,” Jim said honestly. “I really am.”

Thinking that there was no way he could make this worst, Jim got closer to Spock, and hugged him tightly. Spock tried to break free, but his efforts lacked strength, almost like he had accepted that he was defeated already. He finally stopped struggling and allowed the contact without saying anything else. Jim heard a small snuffle, and Spock closed his eyes, drifting into unconsciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all don't hate me much for this chapter.


	17. Chapter 4E: Per quae peccat quis, per haec et torquetur

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Commander…” Jim heard Spock's voice as he was walking away.
> 
> “Yeah?” Jim turned around to look at Spock.
> 
> “Thank you,” Spock said in a low voice.

Spock woke up to find himself on the bed from what the Captain had said was his room. Memories of recent events rushed through his mind, and he felt ashamed and stupid. Of course his mother was dead, that was the reason he could not feel the parental bond they shared. He had all the information, the Captain was pretending to be his friend to deceive him, and yet he foolishly believed everything. On top of that, he disgraced his Vulcan heritage letting emotions cloud his judgment, again. He was supposed to have better control, he knew his mother had a short life-expectancy and his father had practically said this every day of his life, and he reacted like a brute. What was perplexing… Spock couldn't care less anymore. He felt humiliated, yet at this point he didn't mind at all. After he had been toyed with by every crewmember on this ship, and with his mother gone, why would he still hold onto his Vulcan pride? This took everything from him, he was no longer an acceptable Vulcan, he wasn't an acceptable human by any means, and he didn't have any role model in humanity to try and learn how to succeed; mostly, he had lost something and he knew he wouldn't get it back.

“How are you feeling?” He heard a familiar voice nearby.

He didn't answer. He had nothing to say to this person.

“Spock, we're worried… are you feeling sick?”

“Negative.” Spock made sure to sound as cold as he could. He had had enough of these humans trying to mislead him. Particularly _him_.

“Are you sure?”

He didn't dignify that with an answer. He stared at the ceiling, blinking slowly. What was he supposed to do now? He only could think of one thing.

“I want to talk with my father,” he demanded in his most challenging voice.

He saw the Captain sitting on the bed, in front of him, looking rather sad. Spock felt uncomfortable immediately. He knew that the Captain had defrauded him when he decided to lie to Spock and pretend to be his friend for his own selfish motives, but he didn't like the watery eyes and the defeated aura he was emanating. Spock didn't need telepathic abilities to know that this person was broken as well. They were both broken, and Spock felt that even enemies sometimes share a common ground.

It was clear that he no longer considered the Captain a friend, but comparing him to an enemy was extreme and Spock knew it. He couldn't get rid of that thought, it was a betrayal Spock wasn't sure he could let pass.

“I know… look… I know you're sad… and you have every right to be like that, but I think your mother would have liked…”

“Do not talk about her!” Spock glared and clenched his fists. “You have no right, I forbid you to say anything related to her or myself.”

“Spock, you're human too, you need to…”

“I am not human. I am Vulcan, and you are keeping me here against my will. I want to talk with my father.”

The Captain sighed tiredly. Spock could relate, he was also exhausted; he felt broken and empty.

“I lost my father too…”

Trying to gain sympathy? Not anymore, Spock wouldn't be fooled twice.

“I suggest you to go to counseling.”

The Captain laughed bitterly.

“You are done with me, right?” he asked, and without waiting for an answer, he stood up and started walking toward the door. “I'm going to let Uhura in. I'll give you privacy, at least listen to her. After that, we'll call your father and agree on a way to get you back... home.”

Spock felt a twinge of regret inside of him. He couldn't control all these feelings, he was having so many that it was hard to keep track. First he was angry, and then sad at seeing the Captain so broken; he was ashamed of letting humans deceive him, and he was sad again at the prospect of leaving the Enterprise. Spock had felt like he _was_ home, at least before this incident, and now once again he had nowhere to belong, and nobody who could help him adapt.

He was alone without anywhere in the universe to fit in.

“I know you think I'm fucking with you,” the Captain said in a low voice, “but I'm truly sorry for everything. I know what it's like when adults ruin things pretending to spare you pain, and I just turned out to be what I said I would never become. I'm sorry Spock, I just fucked up, and I don't know how to fix it.”

He saw the Captain leaving the room; Spock let a single tear run down his cheek.

“Neither do I,” he said in a whisper.

 

* * *

 

 

The first thing Jim did after getting out of Spock's room was run to Sickbay. He needed Bones now, or else he would do something stupid and reckless like pushing Spock to the limit. As he entered, he noticed his best friend standing near a bed writing something on his PADD.

Without saying anything else, he took two long strides and hugged him tightly. Surprised, Bones let the PADD fell to the ground with a low thud and hugged him back vehemently. He knew Jim needed this like crazy. He needed the support, since he felt he'd lost everything after his mistake.

“Nurse Chapel, take M'Benga and go update charts with the Engineering crew; there are still a few members who haven't turned up for their checkup.”

“Yes, Doctor McCoy,” she said hastily and left the room with M'Benga.

“Spock didn't react too well?” Bones said, caressing Jim's back.

“He hates me; that was expected…”

“If it was expected, then why are you shaking?”

“I expected it, but I didn't think it would hurt like this, Bones. You should have seen his face, he was… so cold, so distant… he ignored me… and it shouldn't matter, you know? The Vulcan hates me, big whoop, he should get in line, the list is long; but I couldn't stand it, it felt so wrong. I tried to blame Rand for leaving him unsupervised, I tried to blame the crew for letting him on my room alone, but I know it's all my fault, I was the moron who kept the picture on the desk, even when Spock and I had the stupid sleepover. I wonder how he didn't discover it earlier, I'm idiot enough, he's a clever kid, it's amazing how he didn't found out about it before.”

“It was behind your books, Jim, you forgot. It's not your fault, this was messed up from the beginning.”

“The worst part… now he's closed up entirely. No way to make him accept his true nature.”

“Too bad you discovered the answer when there's nothing we can do.” Bones broke the hug with a sympathetic smile. “Now what?”

“I hope Uhura can make things better, at least to see if he can return to normal. If she doesn't, we'll call Sarek and go from there.”

“Are you okay with that? He'll be gone… for good.”

“At least he isn't dead,” Jim said cynically. “At least I didn't kill this one.”

“Jim…”

Jim shook his head. No matter what Bones said, he would still feel like crap. That didn't go away with pep talks and comforting words; it stayed with you, and sometimes it could consume you as well. Jim was on the edge after what happened to Kevin… now he felt like a small push could do the trick. Even when it didn't make sense to him, he and Spock … they didn't share feelings or talk about their lives. They didn't get drunk or play poker, they didn't exchange secrets or talk in code. They weren't close… they were just genuine with each other, and perhaps that was what made Jim feel so crappy. He'd lost the only person whom he could be authentic with, because even though it was hard to admit, he sometimes felt freer with Spock than with Bones. He could be himself and Spock didn't give him shit about it; he wasn't exactly sure when their dynamic changed, but it had happened and now he was losing it.

He was losing it all.

“Well, we weren't sure if your theory was right anyway,” Bones said drily.

“You suck at comforting,” Jim complained.

“I know.” Bones sighed.

Jim exhaled as well; after Spock's breakdown, he'd called Uhura and Bones to let them know what happened. As they talked, Jim realized something; Spock was mumbling about not be able to be human anymore, that he wasn't a Vulcan either… then it hit Jim. Spock's true nature was Human _and_ Vulcan. Spock chose one over the other, denying his true nature. If he was willing to admit that he was neither Vulcan nor Human, but half and half, perhaps he could find the answer to the true nature thing. However, the human topic was touchy for Spock, if the small breakdown he had was any indication. Spock had been trying to repress the hell of his human side since he was a child. That was why it was so easy for Jim to provoke him after what happened to Vulcan. He had no human control because he never allowed himself to be human.

He'd never accepted his human side, as he saw it as a disadvantage. And when Jim tried to reason with him, it blew up in his face. Spock wouldn't take any more crap from him, and he didn't blame the kid. Hell, if Jim had been in Spock's place, he would have kicked the hell out of him. And the kid had a strong punch. Bones took care of the lovely bruises and gave Jim a painkiller; he was hurting like a bitch, although Jim wasn't sure if it was from the punches, or his emotional state. It could be both.

The only hope now was Uhura. If she could reason with Spock perhaps she could manage to return him to normal. If Jim was right, of course.

Jim wasn't sure of how much time passed between his taking over Sickbay and Uhura's arrival, but when he saw her enter the room, he stood up quickly, trying to look calm.

She only shook her head sadly. Dammit… they were fucked.

“I'm sorry,” Uhura said.

“Not your fault.” Jim cut her off before she tried to comfort him too. “I guess we should call…” Jim's communicator buzzed. He took it out with annoyance. Now what? “Kirk.”

“Captain, we are receiving a call from the planet. A girl wants to talk to you ASAP.” Scotty's voice sounded tired as well.

“On my way to the Bridge, bring image to the screen. Kirk out.” He glanced at Uhura. “Let's go.”

Bones patted his back as a goodbye and he walked next to Uhura, both in heavy silence. Jim was dying to ask Uhura about her chat with Spock, but she probably wouldn't tell him anything.

“Spock stayed in the room?” he said.

“Yes, he'll be waiting for us to fetch him and call his father.” Uhura saw the lift's doors opening. “Captain, I…”

“No need, Uhura. I know, I screwed up, and you were right.” Jim wasn't in the mood for Uhura's recriminations.

“I only wanted to say that I understand,” she said with a small smile. She didn't say anything else, and they both left the turbolift, entering into the Bridge. Jim saw the girl he had talked to earlier on the screen.

“Hello, damaged soul,” the girl greeted him directly when she saw him.

“My name is Jim,” he muttered. “How can we help you?”

Jim noticed the girl was glowing blue, like the other natives. Did she get better in just one day? That was… interesting.

“You are requested by the elders. Please, join us.”

“Is something wrong? We didn't mean to offend you and…”

“Please join us,” she interrupted him. “We will be waiting.”

She cut the transmission, and she probably took Jim's silence as a ‘yes, I'll join you even when I've had enough shit for one day’. Whatever, job came first, right?

“Scotty, you and Uhura are going with me. Chekov, please go to the Transporter room, you'll be in charge while we're gone. Sulu, the conn is yours.”

“Yes, Captain,” they said in unison.

* * *

 

When they beamed down, Jim saw that all the elders did indeed want to see him; they were gathered around the girl, looking at him with some sort of expression Jim couldn't exactly pinpoint.

“Hello damaged soul Jim.” The girl tilted her head and Jim did the same out of habit. “The elders are very grateful for your help.”

“My help?” Jim glanced at Scotty and Uhura, who only shrugged. “What exactly did I do?”

“You brought life.” The girl smiled for the first time Jim remembered.

“Uh… what?”

“You brought life. When you showed me your ways, you brought life. I am able to communicate with our nature again, and the elders wanted to thank you.”

“I… I'm not sure what you mean… you are referring to the talk we had? Because those were only words, I didn't do anything special.”

“Words are powerful, damaged soul Jim; I believe you underestimate the power you hold. The elders want to thank you.”

“All right… you're welcome I guess… why don't they talk to me?”

“They prefer letting me be the language connection between our cultures. You do not understand, you brought life, you must receive the same gift.”

Jim gaped, without really understanding what the hell ‘the same gift’ meant.

“Ah… it's not necessary, I'm fine,” he said quickly, trying to sound diplomatic.

“It is not a petition, it is a requirement. You are being allowed a great honor among our people, you cannot reject our gift.”

“Just take it,” Uhura muttered. “We need to finish this mission soon.”

“What exactly does the gift entail?” Jim asked. Even though Uhura wanted him to just say yes, he stopped being that easy a while ago. He wasn't getting into any more trouble for this stupid assignment.

“I felt your loses, mourning over two souls. We can bring one of those souls back.”

“WHAT?” Jim gaped again, noticing how the natives stepped back a little. “Sorry, please tell them I mean no harm.”

The girl made a few clacking noises, and the elders answered with a few of their own.

“They do not appreciate your loudness.” The girl smiled again. “I like it.”

“Thank you,” Jim said, feeling dizzy all of the sudden. “What do you mean ‘bring one of those souls back’?”

“Bring it back to life.” The girl tilted her head; Jim was starting to find this annoying.

“You can revive the dead?” Jim asked, appalled. No wonder the Federation wanted this planet as their ally.

“If it brings balance to the Universe, we can. Life is essential, death is consequential.”

Jim felt like he was talking with Spock; riddles and philosophical meaning, vague references… and most of all, confusing as hell.

“And you are offering me to bring back someone I lost because I made you bluer?” Jim scoffed.

“You brought life, life must be returned to you,” the girl said calmly.

“Okay… thank you, I don't need life returned to me, I'm fine.”

“You cannot reject the gift, it would be offensive and we would consider you a threat to our culture.” The girl blinked. “Is that what you want?”

Jim chewed the inside of his cheek. What the hell was he supposed to do? Bring back Kevin or George and then act like it was normal? He glanced at Uhura and Scotty, who were observing him coolly. They wouldn't help with the decision making, that was clear from their postures and the looks on their faces. He was on his own. He should at least ask someone… his brother, or his mother, they would be affected if he decided to bring back George; she would go nuts for sure this time. Jim was amazed that he was still somewhat composed even when he was feeling like a train wreck on the inside.

“Can I bring someone else to life?” he asked, forming a new plan in his head.

The girl walked towards Jim, putting her hands on the sides of his head again. After a moment, she backed up a little, shaking her head.

“No, there is no emotional attachment to that soul. It cannot be brought to life.”

Dammit! How was this gift good if he couldn't use it as he wanted to? If he could bring Spock's mother to life, perhaps then things wouldn't be so screwed and Spock wouldn't hate him so much. Now it was between George and Kevin, how was he supposed to decide this? Flipping a coin?

Then it hit him… maybe he didn't need to bring someone to life, he could do something else. The girl noticed something and put her hands on his head like she was accustomed to doing when she wanted to read Jim's mind and ruin his plans entirely.

The girl let go of Jim, blinking. Without saying anything else, she returned to the other natives who were watching expectantly, and they exchanged a few noises. Uhura widened her gaze, probably understanding what they were saying.

“Jim, are you sure?” she asked quietly. Yep, she knew what he planned.

“I'm not sure of anything at this point Uhura,” he said with a sigh.

The girl finally turned her attention to them.

“It is fine; you can exchange the gift to fit your wish. You need to bring the soul and put him inside the sacred chamber.”

Jim took his communicator out.

“McCoy.”

“Bones, you need to get Spock, and beam down immediately with him. Prepare sedatives in case he gets violent; he could return to normal soon, so bring a Tricoder to check on him afterwards and clothes that fit him.”

“What are you…?”

“Now, McCoy,” Jim said edgily.

“Yes, sir,” Bones spat; Jim would pay for this one later. “McCoy out.”

They waited for ten minutes in complete silence until they saw Bones appear in front of them with Spock sleeping in his arms. Jim had forgotten how peaceful the Vulcan could look.

“Was he violent?” Jim frowned.

“I didn't take any risks,” Bones said irritably. “What the hell is happening here?”

Jim glanced at the girl, who nodded her head. Jim gently took Spock from Bones' arms, and followed the girl. He did as indicated, putting Spock inside the chamber, leaving him on the ground. Jim tried to look at every detail in case Spock couldn't return to normal; perhaps they could create another chamber or something. There was a rock, but that was it. There wasn't anything extraordinary about this place. He left the clothes next to Spock, hoping he wouldn't be too embarrassed about being naked when he woke up.

When the chamber closed in front of his eyes, Jim felt a hand on his shoulder, seeing Bones looking at him with a sympathetic smile.

“You think it will work?” Bones asked.

“I hope so,” Jim muttered.

Jim didn't keep track of the time that had elapsed since Spock entered the chamber; it could be ten minutes, it could be an hour. He just was biting his bottom lip, waiting for things to work out. This mission had been a complete rollercoaster since the beginning; they deserved to at least have something good come out of this. Everything that had happened in the last three days kept playing in Jim's head: Spock's conflicts as a kid, his own conflicts, their broken trust… this had to work, or nothing else could make everything better. If this failed, Jim knew he wouldn't get back something he needed; he would be ruined.

A small sound was heard from the chamber, and Jim jolted in anticipation. The chamber was opening; Uhura, Bones and Scotty got closer as well, to take a better look. Jim felt like he could breathe freely for the first time since the mission had started. Spock was coming out of the chamber, as an adult. It worked… the wish, gift or whatever, worked. Spock blinked, noticing everyone there. Uhura was the first one to break the solemnity of the situation, running straight into Spock's arms, hugging him tightly.

“Are you okay?” she said, trembling.

“I am well,” Spock answered, sounding confused. He locked eyes with Jim for a moment, before he was distracted by Uhura's questions.

Jim felt a small pang of sadness inside of him. He wasn't needed there anymore.

“Explain everything to Spock, then tell Uhura to update him about the mission,” he said to Bones quickly.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to make a call. I'll see you later.”

“But Jim…”

Before Bones could say anything else, Jim walked away from them, asking Chekov to beam him back to the ship.

“Mister Spock is all right?” Chekov asked curiously.

“He's back to normal. Wait for the Captain for instructions, Chekov.”

“Yes, sir.”

Jim bolted from the Transporter room with determination. He knew that he had to do this to be completely fine with his decision. He was a Captain… _Commander_ of a Starship, he shouldn't do this anymore. Yet, he had to. As he entered his room and started the communication, Jim hoped he didn't chicken out at the last minute like he was used to doing. Waiting was the worst. What should Jim say? Maybe smile widely and pretend he was fine as he usually did. Somehow with _him_ that never worked.

“Jim?”

“Hi, Sam,” Jim smiled. He wasn't fooling anyone, but he could try.

“What's wrong? Are you okay?” His brother furrowed his brow, like he always did when he knew Jim was in deep shit. Oh, the old times.

“I'm fine, I'm fine, stop the worry-face.”

“Oh… a casual call then,” Sam smirked, “this is new.”

“Don't be an ass, I call you plenty of times,” Jim glared.

“Honestly Jim, I hear more about you through Leonard and the press than from your calls. Who do you think told me about Kevin, huh?”

“I was depressed back then.”

“You sound more like Winona with each passing day.” Sam exhaled loudly. Jim knew Sam and their mother had big issues, he kind of expected the comparison.

“Well, she is my mother, I would say that's a good thing.”

“As long as you don't go bonkers.” Sam shook his head. “All right Jimmy, out with it. I know there's something up; your eyes are yelling _I have juicy gossip_. Tell your big brother all about it.”

Yes, his brother knew him too well.

“First, nothing is wrong, okay? I'm fine, healthy, nothing broken, not in danger, not in jail… you know, the classics.”

“Okay.”

“It's just… I kind of wanted to talk to you about something… I'm not sure how to start.”

“Take your time; I have nothing better to do.”

When Sam said this, Jim looked at him with uncertainty. His brother often used that phrase as a dismissal, but Jim could hear the sincerity behind it this time. Perhaps this time Sam really meant it.

“We were on this mission, right?” Jim took a deep breath. “And Spock… I mean, Captain Spock was being all ‘I'm going to step into the chamber whether you like it or not’ and I was trying to convince him otherwise but he's a stubborn jackass and he did it anyway…”

“Jim, I have to interrupt you here. I assume you're talking about a requirement for the mission, right?” Sam looked at Jim with confusion.

“Oh, right! Sorry… we had to meet this new civilization and the Admiralty said that we had to make them join the Federation. They stipulated that the only way was making Spock entering this weird chamber. Long story short, he came out and he was a nine year old.”

Jim waited to see Sam's reaction. He was expecting a widened gaze or gaping. Sam just seemed to be waiting for Jim to continue, like it wasn't a big deal.

“Aren't you surprised or scared by what I just told you?” Jim asked curiously.

“Not really. I'm no longer surprised by what could happen in space. After your father is killed by a guy who appeared out of nowhere and your brother fights the same guy and almost dies too, I think an adult becoming a child is a cheerful scenario,” Sam mused.

“You would think,” Jim muttered. “Well, this was some sort of test from the natives. They say that Spo… Captain Spock was returning to normal when he discovered his _true nature._ ”

“What did that mean? Was that some sort of a riddle? Come on Jim, help me here. You're the one with the brains, I'm the one with the looks.” Sam smiled.

“You wish! Everyone says I got the looks _and_ the brains,” Jim scoffed.

“Nah, you only got the brains. In fact, I think is time for you to know the truth. You're adopted; I told Winona I wanted a dog, and she came home with you instead. Nothing I could do about it.”

“Jerk,” Jim smirked.

“Hey, the dog part is true! Apparently a baby brother was better somehow.” Sam frowned. “I still don't know why.”

“Thank you, always making me feel special.” Jim shook his head. “Moving on, we tried to see how to make Sp… Captain Spock discovers his true nature…”

“Jim, you can call him Spock, I won't tell him.” Sam winked at Jim.

“Sorry, it's disrespectful, he's my superior.”

“You call Admiral Pike asshole, I think calling your Captain by his name is an improvement.”

“Fine, you don't have to nag. Anyway, we were trying to see what the true nature thing meant, and we came up with nothing. Then I meet this girl and I helped her…”

“I'm not sure if I want to know the details of how you _helped her_ , little brother.” Sam wrinkled his nose.

“Not like _that_ , pervert! God, Sam, do you think I sleep with everything that breathes?” Jim snapped.

“Considering that everything that breathes also moves, I would say yes,” Sam grinned. “Relax Jim, I'm kidding. So, you _helped her_ … then what?”

“I'm not sure what I did exactly, but the next day everyone said that I brought life to her again…” Jim noticed the big smile Sam was getting, “and it was nothing sexual, before you hint it!”

“I wasn't going to say anything.” Sam tried to look offended.

“Right,” Jim glared. “The point, they wanted to balance things, and they… they gave me a wish.”

“A wish? What did you wish for? Oh, wait, you got boobs? Awesome! Can I see them?”

“Sam! I'm being serious here!” Jim sighed. His brother always did that when they approached serious topics.

“Sorry Jim, I'll behave, I promise. It's just… well, you know how Kirks deal with serious issues.”

“Yeah… no, I didn't wish for boobs,” Jim caved. It was a coping mechanism Sam and Jim had developed when they were children. Laugh and make jokes to avoid feeling sadness. They discovered that it was easier to pretend they were fine and put a big fake smile than say they were miserable. It was better to smile and not let people know how broken they were on the inside than having others pity them. It was bad enough with their mother and the sympathy looks they got when she acted like their father was still alive.

Jim got so used to it that he wondered if he'd ever laughed and felt happy at the same time. It was hard because happiness wasn't a concept Jim was familiar with; when he saw Bones with Joannie, or Sulu and Chekov making jokes, they seemed truly happy. Jim didn't know how that felt.

He didn't know if this was sad or just pathetic.

“Jim?” Sam said in a low voice.

“Ahm, yeah… sorry. Well, the wish wasn't exactly giving me something to improve my physical appearance. Since I brought life to her… they will bring life to someone I lost…”

Now Sam did widen his gaze and gape a little. Finally, the reaction Jim was hoping for.

“You mean…?”

“And you say I'm the one with the brains.” Jim smiled sadly. “Yes, I mean it exactly like that.”

“Wait… would it be like ‘Zombieland’ or ‘Pet Cemetery’? Because that would be scary.”

“I'm not sure… and for the record, I hated those movies, you scarred me for life.”

“It was a vintage cultural experience,” Sam defended. “So… I assume they meant George, right?”

“Or Kevin. They could bring back whoever I wanted.”

“Oh.” Sam closed his mouth and he waited to see what Jim was going to say next. When Jim didn't say anything else, Sam pressed. “Who did you choose?”

_Here it goes_ , Jim thought mournfully. He didn't know if Sam was going to be pissed, or just disappointed. He expected the first one, he knew how to deal with an angry brother. A disappointed one… let's just say he avoided it at all costs.

“Neither,” Jim said. “I changed the wish. I wished for Spock to return to normal without any memories from the mission.”

“Oh,” Sam said again.

“It just… look Sam, I know this was a great opportunity, but Spock wouldn't be back to normal otherwise, and I nee… we need him on the ship. And maybe it was selfish thinking about me and not considering you or mom…”

“Jim, I think you did the right thing.”

“… and he had a mother, Sam. A loving, caring mother; he had beautiful memories, he had to keep them. I saw you as we grew up; you acted like you didn't care, but when mom made us talk to dad's picture, your eyes went watery, or when you saw me and I did something that reminded you of dad, you refused to look at me for a few days. He was already gone when I was born, I didn't know him. You and mom were a different story, and at least you had a loving father for a few years. You have the memories… it would have been cruel to take that from Spock…”

“Jim, I actually agree with you.”

“… he doesn't deserve that, and yeah, I should have discussed it with you first, but I just…”

“JIM!” Sam interrupted loudly. “I said it was okay.”

“What?”

“I think you made the right decision.” Sam nodded.

“But… it was the opportunity to have dad back… how are you okay with my decision?” Jim frowned. He didn't expect Sam to agree with him.

“And what good would that do?” Sam said sorrowfully. “First, it was your wish, you got to obtain something you want for a change instead of considering everyone else. And second, it wouldn't matter if George was alive now. He wasn't there when we needed him the most. He wasn't here when Winona decided to use one of his socks and talk to you like the stupid sock was him because ‘you needed a paternal figure’; he wasn't here when Winona decided to maintain his place at the table, even after she married that asshole; he wasn't there when you survived Tarsus and he wasn't there when I said I was going out to buy cigarettes and never came back because I couldn't deal with things anymore. He wasn't there when I thought only of me and decided to leave you there. He wasn't there… and having him back wouldn't change things. He wouldn't change the decisions we already made, or what we are. He wouldn't change the fact that I decided to leave Earth or that you decided to join Starfleet. Yeah, I'm not thrilled about that decision but as long as you don't go nuts like Winona, I guess it's your life. Nothing would be different just from having George alive at this point. As for Kevin… remember when I made you watch all the ‘Final Destination’ movies?”

“Yeah,” Jim smiled weakly. “I made you shower with me for two months because I was afraid of falling and dying.”

“I guess I deserved that. But I made you watch those movies so you could understand why dad had died. The same goes for Kevin… I talked to him when you brought him home, and he was prepared to let everything go. He'd made peace with his mortality, and was taking advantage of his luck until it ran out. Kevin was okay with dying because he truly lived every minute after Tarsus. He told me that he knew he could be run over by a bus the next day, and it wouldn't matter to him. He lived, and that was what counted. The only person who hasn't made peace with his death is you, Jim. Bringing Kevin back wouldn't change that either. I doubt the wish included immortality. Having them alive wouldn't change anything, and I'm glad you decided to do something you really wanted instead of asking me or Winona what we thought of it.”

Jim clenched his fists, trying to contain the tears that threatened to come out. His brother was right, and it wasn't like he hadn't considered it, but hearing it from him… it was liberating. Jim had often thought Sam resented him after their father died. That Sam blamed him for losing him, and that if he got the opportunity to have him back, he would take it. But Sam made peace with things a long time ago. And this was what Jim needed to do the same.

“I… I thought you'd be mad,” Jim stuttered.

“Why would I be mad?” Sam frowned. “Jim, you have to stop doing this. You have to stop doubting your decisions. We're not kids any longer, and you don't need anyone's approval to do what you think is best. Well, except your Captain's, but if you can tell Pike to suck it, I think you can handle the Vulcan.” Sam smirked. “Honestly, you can't do it anymore. Aurelan thinks I terrorized you as a child and that's why you still ask me about all your decisions. When you took George's car and I told you that if you took anything else from home and decided to throw it away I would do the same thing with your dick and see how long it took you to find it, you knew I was kidding, right?”

Jim laughed. Sam had been pretty pissed when he decided to take the car so their stupid stepfather didn't lay a hand on it; he knew the threat was a joke, though. His brother was right again; Jim often ran his decisions by the nearest available person. It wasn't that he didn't trust his judgment… he just wanted the approval.

Maybe it was time to stop that as well.

“Shit!” Sam said suddenly.

“What's wrong?” Jim asked confused.

“Oh… it's just… I need to get dinner done, I'm making special pasta.”

“Okay, what did you do to Aurelan?” Jim grinned. His brother only made special pasta when he wanted to make up for something bad he did.

“I forgot to pick up the kids yesterday… the teacher had to call home.”

“Sam, how come they allowed you to have children?” Jim mocked. “You lost me once, remember?”

“Hey, I tied you to my waist! It's not my fault that you were a smart little brat,” Sam huffed. “Look Jim, I'm okay with everything you decide. Maybe I won't always approve, but I'll deal. You're my brother, I'll love you no matter what.”

“You're getting sappy,” Jim snorted, “you better go and cook now that your feminine side is out.”

“Jim.” Sam's voice was serious. “I'm glad you called me… when was the last time you called me and talked to me like this? I hope you do it once in a while, I really miss you, bro. I know Leonard is like the brother you never had…”

“Sam…”

“No Jim, it's true. I was a terrible brother, I left you with Winona and the fucker she calls husband; I ran away because I couldn't deal, and I forgot that my baby brother was left alone. I screwed up big time, and when you needed me, I fled from your life. But I'm here now, Jim, I'll be here when you need me. I'm your brother. I made huge mistakes, but that doesn't mean that I don't love you. You're one of the most important people in my life, if you want to talk, or cry, or yell… I'm here, okay?”

Jim couldn't contain the tears anymore. Watching Sam comforting him brought back memories. Sam felt like he was an awful brother, but to Jim, he was the only one who kept him going. When he cried, Sam held him. When he was scared, Sam let him sleep in his bed and hugged him. When he blamed himself for their father's death, Sam made him watch movies to help him understand that it wasn't his fault, and it was bound to happen. Mostly, when Jim survived Tarsus… Sam came back home for him, and that was what mattered.

“You made me cry,” Jim said after wiping his eyes.

“You need to cry, bro. It's good for the soul.”

“I'll call you next week, okay?” Jim took a deep breath, trying to regain some control.

“It's a date then,” Sam smiled. “I want to hear all about your crush on Captain Spock.”

“What?” Jim gaped.

“See you next week, bro.” Sam winked again and broke off the connection.

Crush on Spock? Sam better be doing a practical joke, because he certainly didn't have a crush on Spock. His brother always loved to rile him; this had to be his messed up revenge for something stupid he did when they were children.

Still, his words echoed inside Jim's head for a while, even after he lay down on his bed and closed his eyes to take a break from everything that had happened.

 

* * *

 

Jim blinked, waking up from the longest nap he'd had since they started the mission. It had been two hours since his call to Sam, and nobody had bothered him so far. Maybe Spock had decided to spend his time with Uhura, making up for the absent three days or something. In a way, everything had returned to normal, he should be glad.

He should be, yet he didn't feel like that.

He decided to go to the Observation deck and wait for orders. He was back to his post, Spock would probably make him do paperwork until the end of the first year. He had no idea about the mission, or if the natives felt insulted because he'd left as soon as he got his wish. He didn't think about repercussions, he just needed to talk to Sam to finally let everything go. He hoped he didn't screw things up, he was sure Spock, Uhura and Scotty could handle whatever curve ball the natives threw them; he wasn't so sure about Bones, but he had the other three to keep him in line. Jim did it for the last three days; it was time for others to step in.

“Commander, good evening.”

Jim froze completely. Spock was standing next to him, looking at him with curiosity.

“Captain.” Jim managed to find his voice to answer back. “Bones let you out so soon?” Well, he had to break the tension with something, at least Bones should be useful.

“He did not find anything abnormal in my readings,” Spock answered calmly.

Jim knew Spock wanted to ask something. After seeing Spock as a child, it was easier from Jim to read his emotions and his facial expressions even when he tried to conceal what he was thinking.

“The mission was successful, then?” Jim decided to give Spock an opening and see what happened.

“It was satisfactory; we manage to obtain a new planet for the Federation, and we had no casualties. I believe it was what we expected.” Spock blinked. “A certain young female said that ‘you forgot to say goodbye’.”

Jim felt a small pang of regret. She had been really helpful and if it wasn't for her, Spock probably wouldn't be on the ship. He forgot to thank her, maybe he could call her and let her know how grateful he was.

“I'm sorry, I had a pressing matter back on the ship,” he explained quickly. “I logged everything, I'll give it to you so you can add it to your Captain's log, and I promoted Scotty to First Officer due to necessity; I told Pike about the situation, we were supposed to wait until the end of the week to…”

“Nyota and Doctor McCoy explained the circumstances,” Spock said. Jim took the cue: _I know everything_. “You did a good job in charge of the ship.”

“Thank you, although I didn't do anything but wait and see,” he spat, and he tried to subdue his bitterness. He had been Captain for three days; he'd enjoyed it too much and at the same time he'd felt lost and alone. The post could be harder than he'd thought.

“I believe you did more than that,” Spock added in that condescending tone Jim knew so well.

“Thanks,” Jim muttered. He was in no mood to get in a fight with Spock again; he'd just had the most horrible day. It was weird, he was almost like a hormonal woman with these mood swings. Maybe the mission affected him in more ways than he'd considered.

“Mister Kirk…” Spock clasped his hands behind his back. “Do you believe you made the right decision about what happened on the planet?”

“Do you?” Jim said coldly.

Spock lifted his ‘What the hell do you mean by that?’ eyebrow.

“You were the one who stepped into the chamber first,” Jim added. “Was it the right decision?”

“I believe it was,” Spock said neutrally.

“Here you go then. I also ‘believe’ my decision was the right one.”

Jim didn't know what decision Spock was referring to exactly. If he meant promoting Scotty, if he meant talking with the natives and meddling in their business, if he meant the wish… it didn't matter, whatever action Spock was referring to, Jim thought he made the right call; he was probably the only one who saw it that way though.

“Nyota informed me you had an opportunity to ‘bring back a soul’.” Apparently Spock was done with evasiveness.

“That would be correct.”

“And you chose… a different approach in your gift.”

_Why?_ Was the hanging question between them. Spock wanted to know why he didn't choose to bring someone back to life, and Jim didn't want to explain it.

“Not really.” Jim shrugged. “It wasn't a different approach. They wanted to bring back a soul. Your adult soul was gone, I just chose to bring that soul back.”

“If I recall correctly, a soul does not change due to aging.”

“Well, sure, if we're getting idealistic, the soul should be the same, but the basic idea is that changes in your life alter your soul. If you had grown up without your mother, you probably would have had a different soul, then your old soul would be gone; if I had George with me as a child, I would be different as well, probably with your post, with more common sense and with a person by my side who would give everything for me…” Jim stopped immediately after noticing the conversation was going in a direction he wasn't exactly ready to explain. Good thing he didn't clarify about the person by his side, if he had let slip any more about the epic romance he saw in his mind, then Spock would probably be suspicious about why Jim was saying this with such conviction. “Anyway, it was a gamble and somehow it worked, I don't see the problem.” Jim curtly ended his argument before he messed up again and ended up babbling about the Ambassador's affairs.

“You seem extremely confident in the alternate scenario, almost like you know how your life could have gone with your father alive.” Spock looked startled, which made Jim groan on the inside. Spock was a genius, how Jim could have thought he would fool him was beyond him.

“There's not much choice about what screwed me, Spock,” Jim said resignedly, “it's either my dead daddy or Tarsus. Since Tarsus already took Kevin, I'm blaming my ‘damaged soul’ on George. He won't mind, he's dead.”

Jim knew Spock hated when he got all cynical and sarcastic, but he had to divert the topic somehow, he wasn't going to explain how he knew for sure that the ‘scenario’ was another reality where Jim's life was far from ruined.

“I do not believe your soul is damaged,” Spock said, sounding supportive.

“I thought you didn't believe in souls in the first place,” Jim sighed. This conversation was getting way too personal.

“I thought you did not.”

“Just ask what you want to know, Spock,” Jim rushed him. “I think I've told you that you can ask anything you want, I don't mind; we've discussed my lack of personal boundaries a lot.”

“I wanted to ensure your wellbeing and inquire if you have any regrets about your decision,” Spock said after a few moments of silence.

“I'm fine. No, I don't regret my decision.”

“I was expecting a somewhat… more elaborate answer.” Spock tilted his head.

“What do you want me to say, Spock? Look…” Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. “Some things happened and stressed me, but that didn't influence my decision. If you want to know why I did it, it's because you were just an innocent kid. You don't remember, and it's better this way, but you need your memories, the ones you have about your mother. If you didn't return to normal, you would have faced a world without your mother by your side, losing a part of you at that age could have destroyed you. I don't have memories of my father, I have pictures, stories and his eyes, that's it. My brother was the one who was destroyed by memories, and it would happen to you, even though you'll probably argue that you are a Vulcan and have control. A child is a child, and no matter how controlled they are, they're still too small to face some things. If I could do something to avoid that, why shouldn't I? You already lived your childhood with your mom, making you grow up without her would be stupid. I would do anything to have memories of my dad, as lame as the ones Sam has are. George once took him on a picnic in the middle of the cornfields, I mean, how boring is that? But I would prefer having those boring memories than none whatsoever. And I know you would have preferred that too.”

Jim smiled sadly at Spock, who kept looking at him in contemplation.

“I'm weird, okay?” Jim couldn't stand the stare, Spock made him nervous… he was the Captain, a Vulcan, he just had a sleepover with him two days ago and he felt broken when he thought Spock would hate him. Nervousness was expected, and it had nothing to do with Sam's stupid comment about a crush. Jim knew how crushes felt, this was nothing like it. “So no, I don't regret my decision. Having George back wouldn't change things for me, having Kevin back wouldn't change things for him; losing your mother when you were nine and not having the memories of her would definitely change things for you; easiest decision I ever made.”

Not exactly the easiest, but it was close. Jim never hesitated in what he had to do; he just hesitated about telling his brother out of fear of rejection. He had asked if he could bring Amanda back to life before he thought of another way to help Spock; he never actually considered bringing back George or Kevin. Sam was right, even when it was something Jim wanted, he often thought about others first. Something he had to work on among with the whole ‘I make Spock feel like a bad Captain because I never let him beam down’ thing.

“I do not believe you are ‘weird’,” Spock stated. “I am appreciative about your gesture, and I must say you will be an excellent Captain someday.”

Yay! Spock approved of his leadership skills, now Jim could sleep. Jim smirked bitterly; at least he would get a fine recommendation in a few months. Somehow this didn't make him feel better at all.

“Thank you,” he said, trying to avoid sounding cynical. “If you excuse me, I'm going to sleep… unless you need something?”

“Negative. I will take care of paperwork; it is the least I can do after relinquishing all the responsibility of the crew and the ship onto your shoulders for the past three days.” Spock didn't sound upset, more like sympathetic. Odd.

“What are First Officers for, right?” Jim smiled sincerely. He felt like he needed to tell Spock about the reasoning behind his decision, it was cathartic for him. Now he felt like he just could put everything behind him and focus on moving on… and start living, like the girl he helped. It was time to help himself as well. Sam made valid points, Jim couldn't carry everything alone anymore. He needed others, and for some reason he felt Spock brought balance to his life. He brought reason and control, things that nobody else around Jim had. “All right, see you tomorrow on Gamma shift.”

“Commander…” Jim heard Spock's voice as he was walking away.

“Yeah?” Jim turned around to look at Spock.

“Thank you,” Spock said in a low voice.

Jim wondered how to answer this honest remark. _Nothing to thank me for, Spock, I didn't do anything_ or _it was nothing, no need to be grateful_ or _it was my job_. All the things Jim said when people gave him an honest thank you.

“You're welcome.” Jim smiled again, turning back to the door to leave the room when he saw the small nod Spock gave as acknowledgement of his answer.

He finally said it… he finally gave an honest ‘you're welcome’ instead of justifying and dismissing his actions. It was a small step, but for Jim it was the difference between returning to old habits and turning his life around. If he wasn't this tired, he would have gone to Sickbay and informed Bones than his little kid was growing up. Well, Bones would be there tomorrow, and Jim hoped that his resolution maintained itself too, and that it wasn't just a result of the stress and the personal chat he had with Spock.

Spock watched Commander Kirk leaving the room, unaware of Spock's musings. It was good that humans often assumed things instead of clarifying them; when Spock told Mister Kirk that Nyota and Doctor McCoy had told him about the mission, the Commander presumed that they only told him basic things, which was true. McCoy was as vague as Mister Kirk when he wanted to avoid a topic, except that McCoy was more unnerving. Spock found the diversions Mister Kirk made on certain topics, amusing; McCoy was just rude, which was not surprising yet still unpleasant for Spock. Nyota was very formal, only giving the information that she thought strictly necessary. She left out many things she thought could be taken as something negative, or that she thought would cause Spock embarrassment about certain situations that occurred during his dilemma.

Spock was certain about the lack of information because he remembered everything from the mission. He remembered the light, the change in his body… then being a child with no memory of his adult life. He was not sure about how it was possible that as a child his adult memories were gone, but he concluded that perhaps it was a consequence of the regression. You cannot remember what you have not experienced. However, when he was brought back into the chamber, he felt differently than the first time. He felt presences in his mind, wanting to take memories from him. Spock panicked and did what any nine year old Vulcan would have done. He hid the memories and created false ones to deceive the interlopers. It was one of the first teachings in mental boundaries and control, Spock was an expert at hiding memories. His father could be rather intrusive sometimes. He was not sure what exactly the natives were, but they had empathic and telepathic abilities, which were amplified by the rock they called magical. It was the reason the girl could communicate with them after absorbing Mister Kirk's speech pattern. The ability of bringing back living beings to early stages was still a mystery, and as was the gift of giving life to someone already passed away. Spock suspected it had to do with time-space continuity, like the Romulan had done in his search for revenge, but he had no time to investigate further since Mister Kirk's sudden departing made the natives wary and they refused to answer more questions, claiming that they had already balanced things with the gift and that they had signed the treaty. Now it was time for the Enterprise to leave them in peace, with the promise of help if needed.

Fortunately for Spock, the mind was still a mystery for many races; even Vulcans were amazed by some telepathic abilities. It allowed him keep the memories of what happened; the fact that nobody asked him directly about it was helpful as well, he knew Mister Kirk had requested memory loss as a part of his wish. They just assumed Spock did not remember, and talked at him like he was a blank mind. McCoy even made annoying sounds and long pauses like Spock was a child who could not understand complete sentences. As long as they kept assuming he was not informed about everything, Spock would not say anything to clarify things. If someone asked directly, then that would be different and Spock would give a truthful answer.

Spock felt his relationship with Commander Kirk had changed since the event. As a child, Kirk had tried to give Spock comfort and company; he claimed to be his friend, even though Spock had not considered it a solid fact, and he even made the effort to give Spock different experiences. Kirk was a candid companion and in his lack of control and demeanor, Spock felt attracted to Kirk's striking personality. He did not regret it, it gave him an opportunity he had wanted: to be closer to Kirk. As a child, Spock struggled to fit in and be in control; having Kirk as a friend even for a small time-frame gave Spock a different perspective, seeing the necessity of someone in your life who could give you balance. He still felt a small amount of shame when he recalled the incident when he discovered his mother's death, but as Kirk had said, it was understandable, he was a child and his mother was his only emotional support. All his foundations were shaken with the loss of his mother. If as an adult, Spock had almost killed Mister Kirk… it was interesting that as a child, with less control and knowledge, was able to unleash his frustration trying to do everything _but_ hurt Kirk. Kirk only got punched when he tried to stop Spock; he did not attack Kirk, he kicked and punched the furniture, but Kirk, trying to prevent any damage, came close to Spock to stop him and then he got hit. He supposed the possessiveness and protectiveness towards Mister Kirk were because Spock thought of him as a friend, and since he had not had any friends before, he felt intensely about it. It did not explain the jealousy he had been struck with about Nyota being close to Kirk. Perhaps he had residual feelings for the Lieutenant and was not comfortable with the situation, although he was sure the jealousy was not directed at her, but caused _by_ her. He had to meditate about that, mainly about what Nyota said when Kirk left them alone, before the Commander sent McCoy to fetch him.

What was making Spock uneasy was the way Kirk chose to stop his tantrum. He grabbed Spock's hands… and squeezed them. Kirk had practically kissed him, and since not even his mother did that, Spock naturally felt out of place. He wondered how Kirk knew that would be something shocking for a Vulcan; he was sure Kirk did not know what it meant, otherwise he would never have done it, but he knew it was important enough to stop his violent tirade. Vulcans do not mention this fact unless they feel threatened; since they often clarify about personal space, few people dare to get close enough to actually touch a Vulcan's hand. Kirk had no way to know, unless another Vulcan had informed him. Nyota knew, but he doubted she would share the information. He wanted to ask, but then he would need to tell her about the memories, and he was trying to avoid any more awkwardness between himself and Mister Kirk.

He decided to watch Kirk closely. There was something off about what he said earlier, when he described what his life would have been like with his father in his world. He sounded certain and bitter, almost like he knew it was true. And the way he knew about stopping Spock's angry outburst was also odd. Kirk was hiding something, and Spock was not sure if it could be detrimental to Mister Kirk or the ship, but he was not going to wait and see if Kirk was hurt by it. He was finding out what Kirk's mystery was and preventing any harm from coming to him.

It was, after all, what friends did for each other. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thank you to my wonderful beta, Anbessette, who is amazing and tolerant with my awful grammar.


	18. Interlude B: Aequam memento rebus in arduis servare mentem

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe in the future… she would find the Kirk to her Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s the next Interlude. This one is from Nyota’s PoV. At first this may seem a little off, but give it a chance, ¿Okay? Mmm… I wonder if I someday will be able to write a short chapter (hint: This is the longest chapter of the story).

Nyota Uhura had never believed in Prince Charming. When she was little, she read those fairy tales, and she knew there was something wrong with them. It seemed ridiculous for a girl to wait for a guy to come along to fulfill her dreams, and feel happy just because the guy existed. Her mother had once told her ‘a woman makes her own happiness’, and Nyota agreed.

She wouldn't be like those silly girls in fairly tales. She wouldn't wait for a Prince to make her dreams come true. She had dreams besides marriage and children. Even though society had evolved and a woman’s role was her choice, she looked around and she saw the same goal in every female classmate she had: find Prince Charming.

Well, not her. She had a lot of dreams, and none of them included a man by her side. “You will change your mind when you fall in love,” her grandmother used to say, smiling kindly. She was sure that she wouldn't. Love couldn't control you unless you chose to let it, and she had made up her mind: love would never control her.

Losing her grandmother was hard on Nyota. She admired her deeply; the older woman was very intelligent and always advised her. She felt like a small part of her had died as well and, as she watched the casket disappearing from sight, she sobbed quietly, thinking of how hard life would be now without her grandma.

“Nyota,” her mother said with resignation, “remember the story your grandmother told you? The one about souls sending messages through the wind?”

“Yes,” she said, trying to sound calm. She was four when her grandmother told her that if you listen closely to the wind, you can hear the ‘goodbyes’ souls give before going to a better place. She was seven now, and too old to believe in that.

“Maybe your grandmother is saying goodbye right now… She has to go to a better place, you know this is something bound to happen to every living thing. Death is as natural as breathing.”

Sometimes people said that her mother treated Nyota too much like an adult. She liked it; her mother always told the truth but also let her be a child. Protecting children shouldn't mean lying to them, and she knew her mother was right. Death was, as ironic as it sounded, part of life.

 

* * *

 

As she grew up, Nyota became aware that communication was an art. Nobody really knew how to use language correctly, and sometimes body language spoke louder than words. Like her mother, saying she wasn't sad while her eyes looked cloudy, or when she said she wasn't angry, but her posture was rigid. She learned how to combine every communication channel to interpret messages. She started looking up what could she could do with this skill which, according to her mother, was rare.

That was how she read all about Starfleet. She liked discipline and control, and thought there was nothing else that could give her a sense of belonging like that place. It also could help with her goal of seeing more of the universe than just Earth. While all the girls around her planned their lives around having a Prince Charming next to them and being mothers, she started planning her life around Starfleet and how she could be the first female Captain in the fleet.

“Mother, I know what I want to do when I grow up,” Nyota announced solemnly during ‘knitting time’ (she hated that, but her mother often used guilt to trap her for an hour of just staring the unfinished sweater she started when she was 10).

“Oh?”

“I'll enlist in Starfleet.”

“I see.” This got her attention. She looked at Nyota calmly. “And why would you want to join a place like that?”

“It's perfect for me. Remember how granny used to say I wasn't an ordinary girl? Well, this proves it.” Nyota smiled.

“Yeah, I think she meant it in the ‘she doesn't like cooking like the rest of us’ sense, Nyota. You are only 16; you are far too young to think about this.”

“I can enlist when I turn 18.”

“You can also get married when you turn 18, that doesn't mean you'll do it.”

“Must you always question my decisions, mother?” Nyota sighed.

“I'm just saying you're still a child. Besides, don't you want a less… demanding career? You could be a good teacher, kids love you. Maybe settling down isn't as bad as you think.”

“Yeah, settling down has worked so well for you,” Nyota spat. As her mother raised her eyebrow, she immediately regretted it. Just because she didn't want the traditional role of a woman in this society didn't mean she had to judge the ones who chose that path.

Although she had a valid point; her mother could have done great things, but she settled for marriage. Her father was amazing, he was kind and noble, and probably exactly what a Prince Charming should be; but Nyota wanted more than a traditional life. She wanted to break boundaries and defy every stupid stereotype women still held.

“You should be thankful that I 'settled', as you call it,” her mother finally said. “Otherwise you wouldn't be here, being rude and narrow minded and judging this life without having any idea what it really involves.”

Yeah, that was an argument Nyota wasn't winning anytime soon. Apparently she had no idea what ‘settling’ involved since she hadn't experienced it; until she had a taste of what it was like, she couldn't form a valid opinion. Her grandmother and her mother agreed on something: Nyota was judgmental. When she thought things were right, she saw no reason beyond that, and she was stubborn.

_There's more to life than black and white, Nyota_. Her granny said this endlessly, yet Nyota disagreed. Either you did the right thing or you didn't; lying, cheating, hurting… no matter what the reason behind it, it was wrong. She had strong values, she wouldn't compromise her beliefs for anything. She didn't mind others judging her as well, being called a stuck up and proud girl was better than changing her morals just to make everyone around her comfortable.

She was a good person, and if nobody else saw it, too bad.

Nyota turned eighteen and her present was her application for Starfleet… delivered by her own mother.

“I thought you didn't approve of this.” Nyota was surprised.

“We raised you to be free and make your own choices, Nyota.” Her mother smiled. “I don't approve of your attitude, but it's who you are, and I'm sure you'll learn to open your mind in Starfleet.”

Nyota nodded. As long as she parted ways amicably with her mother, she didn't mind hearing how stubborn and proud she was one more time.

 

* * *

 

James Kirk was everything Nyota hated in a man. He was a good for nothing jackass who thought his pretty face meant he could hit on everything that moved; when she saw that actually intended to hit on her, she felt sorry for the poor idiot. Nyota was used to guys only seeing her for her looks; her breasts and legs called attention to her, but as soon as she spoke, guys ran away – they just wanted a pretty mannequin with no brains and, of course, no opinions whatsoever. She was resigned to the fact that she wouldn't find her Prince Charming mostly because he didn't even exist the way she wanted him. James Kirk had a tragic story behind him, but he was still a stupid hick who would probably marry a pretty, dumb girl and have a kid repeating the same pattern.

She was surprised when Kirk actually knew what her specialty was; he even sounded like he was familiar with the subject, which was astonishing since Nyota wouldn't have thought the guy could write his own name properly. Could it be that Kirk was obnoxious, but also smart? It wouldn't be the first time, she knew guys who were smart but preferred to take the easy road, one without effort and hard work. Unfortunately, Nyota had no opportunity to see if Kirk was smart but conformist, or stupid but pretending to be intelligent to get women in his bed. Giotto interrupted and, well… she no longer cared if Kirk got his ass kicked.

He'd probably done something to deserve it anyway. She was starting classes the next day, and Kirk would be in the past.

Or so she thought. A few days later she saw Kirk… in a cadet's uniform. Unbelievable; she was sure he hadn't done an exam or gone through the whole screening process like everyone else, he just used the ‘my father was a hero’ card and Pike fell for it. It was no secret that Pike and George Kirk had been friends, and Pike probably had a soft spot for Kirk. How was possible that Kirk got things so easily and yet she had to struggle to be here? It wasn't fair.

She was fuming when she entered her new assigned room for the next four years (three if everything went according to plan). She threw her schedule on the bed, still angry about the whole Kirk thing.

“Wow… careful there, honey.”

Nyota realized she wasn't alone in the room. Of course, every cadet had to share with a classmate; as she tried to smile to ease her mind off Kirk, she noticed her roommate. An Orion girl was smiling back widely.

“Um…” Nyota didn't expect to see an Orion in Starfleet, although she had read that a few of them joined after the liberation of the planet.

“I'm Gaila.” The girl extended her hand. “You know Orion was freed a while ago, right?”

“Of course,” Nyota squeaked. “I was just surprised… I… well…”

“You've never seen an Orion in person before. Yeah, I get it; I got stares from every guy I've crossed paths with since I got here.”

“It probably had more to do with your… um… uniform,” Nyota pointed out. That dress was too tight and short, probably wasn't even allowed under the regulations.

“You like it? I thought of making changes to the original. Don't worry, this is my campus uniform. I'll dress up for classes the way Starfleet wants, even when it's boring.”

Nyota frowned. This girl was every stereotype Nyota hated about her own gender; relying on her body to get what she wanted. Living with her for three to four years didn't bode well for either of them.

“So? Are you going to tell me your name or what?”

“Sorry… I'm Nyota Uhura… I'm specializing in linguistics.”

“Cool! Then you know how to use your tongue.” Nyota flushed; this girl was too bold. “I'm going for the engineering field, mostly programming. It's time for the boys to step back and let a woman do the job, don't you think?”

Okay, Nyota liked her a little bit more.

 

* * *

 

Gaila, contrary to what Nyota had thought at first, knew how to get what she wanted, even if she had to use her body and her Orion advantage to do it. Nyota disagreed with the method, but she admired Gaila for not caring and just doing what she wanted. This led to some hurtful comments about Gaila. And even though she and Nyota disagreed on almost everything, Nyota was starting to consider the Orion a friend; witnessing the gossip that surrounded her was hard.

“I just don't get it, Gaila.” Nyota tried to reason with her. “I mean… don't you care that everyone talks about you that way?”

“Why would I care?” Gaila shrugged.

“Well, it could make everyone get the wrong idea.”

“Like you did when you first met me?” Gaila laughed. “God, Nyota, you're so judgmental.”

“I am not!” Nyota defended herself. This was like listening to her mother all over again.

“Then why are you so worried about what people say?”

“I'm just worried about you, Gaila. I mean, after all you've been through…”

“You sound like Leonard McCoy.” Gaila shook her head. “You and him actually have something in common: You're both friends with the campus sluts.”

Nyota knew McCoy was rooming with James Kirk, and he also was his friend, or becoming his confessor or something. They were hardly ever apart, and McCoy got defensive if anyone said something negative about Kirk, despite the way the guy slept around.

“Please don't compare yourself with Kirk, Gaila,” Nyota snapped. “You are way better than him.”

“I still don't get why you hate Jimmy so much, Nyota.” Gaila looked at her with a frown. “He hasn't done anything to you so far, right?”

“So he's Jimmy now?” Nyota asked in a clipped tone. “Getting all cozy with that idiot?”

“Hey, just because you hate him doesn't mean I have to. He's cute, smart and funny, he could be a great Orion.”

“I'm sure he has potential to sleep around.” Nyota clapped her hands over her mouth quickly. “Dammit, sorry, Gaila. I didn't really mean it.”

“I'm not offended, Nyota. Do you think you're the only one who's said that to me? At least you're the first one to regret it.”

“Look, maybe if you turned down the whole… physical pleasure thing, people wouldn't talk about it so much.”

“Again, why would I do that? People will talk. Even if I wasn't an Orion, they'd still call me a slut. They believe what they want, without bothering to get the whole story. Just like you; if you think something is wrong, the circumstances don't matter, it will always be wrong. I admire that, but I don't agree.”

“I… I'm not that close minded, right?” Nyota heard the echo in Gaila's words, and everything her mother and grandmother had said came rushing to her mind.

“I wouldn't say ‘close minded’, but you are judgmental when you think you're right. You think I'm acting out because of my sad story, however, let me ask you something. Remember when you told me how your mother made you knit with her?”

“Yeah.” Nyota frowned, not getting where Gaila was going with this.

“Okay, she forced you to knit, and you did it for years without wanting to. Let's say that suddenly you discover you actually like knitting, only you didn't enjoy it because you were forced to do it. Would you stop doing something that you like now that you're free to do it without having someone coercing you?”

Nyota felt ashamed. She was judgmental, even though it was hard for her to admit it. She'd thought Gaila was using sexual relations as an escape from her past; it never occurred to her that Gaila actually enjoyed it. Probably because when people saw Orions, they only saw sex slaves who didn't feel or need things. People saw them as objects without considering their opinions and desires. And she was one of those people, but instead of just not considering Gaila's point of view, she'd made up one of her own for her. Nyota hated it when others put words in her mouth or thought for her, and she'd done the same to Gaila.

Just because she thought things were right it didn't mean everyone thought the same way. _There's more to life than black and white._ She finally got it and, as crude as it sounded, she now saw another color: green.

“I'm sorry, Gaila,” Nyota said sincerely.

“As long as you get it, it's okay,” Gaila smiled. “Look, I had to do things; awful, degrading things, but now I'm free, and if I want to sleep around and enjoy it, I have the right to. I'm no longer a slave, and you're lucky you've never known what it's like to have someone imprisoning you.”

Gaila was right, she didn't know what was like. Nevertheless, as she watched her friend chatting freely without judging others, she knew she had been imprisoned by someone worse: herself. Nyota didn't believe in destiny, but as she started seeing everything differently, she was grateful that she got the Orion as her roommate. She needed someone to push her out of her own mind and color her world.

Her friend brought wildness to her life and pushed boundaries between them. Sometimes Nyota backed up and understood, sometimes she drew the line and Gaila respected that. They both helped each other: Nyota learned to see things differently, Gaila learned to consider things more carefully before she jumped.

 

* * *

 

After her second year, she saw the elective in Vulcan language. She considered joining the class, but according to what she read, there was nothing like a Vulcan to teach the language, and as far as she was aware, no Vulcan was listed as an instructor. Learning from someone who wasn't a native would be disastrous; languages were butchered by atrocious pronunciation.

If she wanted to see someone butchering a language, she could just watch Jim Kirk get drunk every Saturday night. She and Gaila only disagreed strongly on one subject, and that was Kirk. Neither backed down. Gaila affirmed that Nyota was judging him without knowing him, and Nyota said Kirk didn't even try and never took things seriously. It got worse when Gaila actually started dating Kirk.

“I can't believe you are considering Kirk as something serious, Gaila,” Nyota chastised.

“Why? He's great in bed,” Gaila smirked.

“His only talent, apparently,” Nyota bit out.

“Okay, okay, I know you don't like him, but could you please at least tone down the insults? He's sort of my boyfriend.”

“Fine, fine… what elective are you taking?”

“I'm not sure, maybe simulator programming. You?”

“I wanted to take Vulcan language, but I'm not sure. To learn Vulcan… well, you should only learn from a Vulcan, so you can get it right.”

“And what's the problem? I'm sure that elective was implemented by Professor Spock.” Gaila laughed. “He's really stuck up, if you ask me. Vulcans are so cold.”

“What? There's a Vulcan professor at the Academy?” Nyota was shocked. She hadn't realized this; perhaps Gaila was right and she should listen to the campus gossip more often.

“Yeah; he's a loner, he eats in his office, he only comes out when necessary, and most of the students think he's a collective hallucination since nobody notices him. I only met him because I took one of his classes. He's a real hardass. I almost quit, but at least I got a decent grade.”

“Let me guess, he didn't fall for your charms.”

“Oh, please, I didn't even waste my efforts on him. I knew I lost the battle as soon as I heard he was a Vulcan. Contrary to Orions, Vulcans are control freaks; too boring.”

“Yeah, Jim Kirk must be a hoot,” Nyota spat.

“That cutie's a firecracker.” Gaila winked. “Anyway, you should join the class, you think like him; only inside the box. I've to go, Jim is waiting for me.”

“I still don't understand what you see in him,” Nyota said, lying down on her bed.

“I can't tell you why, but he _gets_ me. He understands what it's like to be powerless and alone. He gets me, and I get him; he could actually love me for who I am, Nyota.”

“Don't say that, Gaila. Tons of guys would be lucky to love someone like you.”

“You don't understand.” Gaila chuckled as if Nyota had said something funny. “People see me the way they want to, and sure, they could love me for what they think I am, but nobody _sees_ me, only Jim. And he could love me for that.”

Nyota didn't understand what Gaila meant, but she looked happy to have someone see her. Even if it was that annoying idiot Jim Kirk, Nyota cared for Gaila and she was willing to give Kirk a chance. But if he dared hurt her friend, she would make sure to take Kirk's balls as revenge.

Nyota enlisted in the class with high expectations. She'd always wanted to work with a Vulcan, they were a very disciplined and methodical race. She wished she was surprised that she was the only person who wanted to take the class, but as Gaila said, Professor Spock had a reputation, and everyone either hated him or feared him. Who would volunteer to spend eight hours per week with him learning a language most found difficult and useless?

“Good afternoon.” Professor Spock entered the classroom, apparently not surprised either to see only Nyota there.

“Good afternoon, professor,” Nyota said solemnly.

“I must say, I find myself perplexed. I apologize if I sound discourteous, however I must ask. Are you here for the elective class of Vulcan Language?”

“Yes, I'm a linguist and I think it will help me in my field to know as many languages as I can,” Nyota explained quickly, blushing slightly. Professor Spock was… well, handsome. She'd never expected to have a professor so young and attractive.

“I see. Very well, as I thought this class was going to be unfilled, I was planning other projects to occupy my time. I foresee an interesting interaction, Miss…”

“Nyota Uhura,” she said, still blushing.

“Miss Uhura; in that case, I must welcome you to the Vulcan Language class.”

Oh, Nyota felt very welcome already. She'd given the speech about how Prince Charming didn't exist and women deluded themselves into believing in the perfect guy so many times that now she felt like a hypocrite. As the classes went by, and Nyota started prying about Vulcan culture to get to know the professor better, she had to admit she had finally found her Prince Charming.

Of course, her Prince Charming had to be a guy from another planet; a Vulcan, no less.

 

* * *

.

“Nyota, are you coming to the party?” Gaila asked for the tenth time that evening.

“I told you, I don't have time to go to frivolous reunions, I have to study. Spock will be quizzing me on this.”

“ _Spock?_ ” Gaila scoffed. “Since when are you and the Vulcan on a first name basis?”

“He thought that since I'm learning a difficult language, formalities should be called off. It makes sense, it's easier for me to learn when I'm in a comfortable environment.”

“Oh, yes, I'm sure he provides a very _comfortable_ environment,” Gaila mocked.

“What?” Nyota knew that tone. Gaila disapproved of something.

“Look, I'm the last person who should give moral lessons, but God, Nyota, a professor? And a Vulcan professor on top of that!”

“You make it sound like I'm committing a crime, Gaila,” Nyota said forcefully. “What? Am I not allowed to have a crush? It's not like I'm jumping on the guy.”

“Well, no, he wouldn't let you,” Gaila smirked. “Okay, sorry, I just… I wish you could set the bar a little lower. There are tons of guys here who would be happy to date you.”

“Like who? James Kirk?” Nyota sneered.

“Point taken. Still, I'm not sure a professor is a good idea…”

“Don't worry Gaila, I doubt things will go any further with Spock. We're friends; that's all.”

“We all start as friends,” Gaila smiled. “Jim and I are best friends, and it didn't take very much for us to jump into bed.”

“Unlike you and Kirk, Spock and I have self-restraint.”

“We'll see about that.”

Even though she told Gaila she didn't expect anything, deep inside she wanted to be with Spock. She felt she really understood him, and they both were intelligent and had a lot in common. Looking at things from the Vulcan's perspective, Nyota was an ideal mate for him, and she was determined to show this to Spock. She'd found her Prince Charming, she wasn't ready to be defeated by the ethical dilemma of student-teacher relationships. She could wait until she graduated to pursue a relationship with Spock. She could be patient.

Or at least, that was the plan. Having the Vulcan so close, sharing experiences and knowledge… she couldn't resist. She touched Spock's hand during one of the sessions, knowing very well that was one of the ways Vulcans express romantic feelings. More accurately, they kissed with their hands. She feigned ignorance, and Spock accepted her apology and explained the culture differences between humans and Vulcans, particularly in the way they express affection.

Spock sounded melancholy when he talked about his mother; he probably missed her, although he wouldn't say it directly. From what Nyota had observed, Amanda Grayson had been the only source of affection in Spock;s life, since his father was a traditional Vulcan who raised his son to exceed the expectations placed on him because of his ‘disadvantage’. Nyota liked to think she was filling the role of emotional support now, as Spock refused to acknowledge his needs as half human. Nyota didn't mind, she was happy just being around Spock.

Unfortunately, Gaila was having problems with this development. She claimed Nyota was becoming ‘a heartless bitch’, which Nyota knew was an exaggeration. She was seeing the logical side of everything, she hardly called that ‘heartless’. They fought a couple of times, but they made up quickly, until a debate in the ethical behavior seminar.

Gaila was in the same team as James Kirk, supporting the claim that a Captain could be still in charge even when he was emotionally compromised. As expected, Nyota opposed. They had been arguing for an hour. Kirk and Gaila had very good points, Nyota conceded that. However, she remembered Spock's words about how humans were volatile and changed their minds as often as their emotions, leading to bad decisions.

“The regulation exists for a reason. If it didn't exist, bad decisions could come up as emotions change,” Nyota said mechanically.

“Well, the only reason why Captains aren't robots is exactly that,” Kirk countered. “Or else we would have machines piloting our ships.”

“Oh, you better than anyone should know the value of this regulation, _M_ _ister Kirk._ ”

“And may I ask why you would draw such a conclusion, _C_ _adet Uhura?_ ”

Nyota knew she would piss off Gaila with this, and probably make her friend mad at her forever. But she had to win; she had to prove she could see the rational side over the emotional. She could be as balanced as a Vulcan, as feeling as a human.

“Your father, the deceased Commander and later Captain George Kirk, sacrificed his life to save over 800 crewmembers. If he had allowed his emotions to cloud his rational judgment, he probably would have made a risky decision, and endangered the lives of every crewmember on the ship.”

The auditorium went dead silence after her argument. Kirk looked like he was about to have a stroke, and she could see Leonard McCoy and Gaila throwing daggers at her with their eyes.

“I'm afraid you have your data wrong, Miss Uhura. He also saved me, and my mother, and may I say, I think that was an emotional situation for him. He deceived his wife so she could go away with the promise that he would join her. He was emotionally compromised and yet he made the best decision. If that doesn't prove what humans can overcome, I don't know what could.”

The entire audience started clapping. She had overlooked a vital detail – she should have known that as soon as she used George Kirk as an argument, the pity element would take over, and that mistake allowed Kirk to win the debate. However, she was glad she had lost. She knew it wouldn't feel like a win if she did it using a dead man's memory.

“I hope you're proud of yourself, cadet,” Leonard McCoy said with venom. “Sinking that low to win a stupid debate that doesn't even have an impact on your curriculum.”

“I was trying to give another point of view.” She felt like everyone was attacking her for hurting poor, orphaned Kirk. It was a debate, nothing more, and it wasn't personal, no matter what McCoy and Gaila thought.

“Well, congratulations. You're a b –”

“Now, Bones, don't be like that.” Kirk approached his friend, patting him on the back. “No hard feelings, she just wanted to win, right?”

“I…” Nyota wasn't sure what to say. The last thing she expected was Kirk siding with her.

“Besides, aren't you supposed to be a gentleman? That's not an appropriate word for a lady,” Kirk smiled.

“I suppose,” McCoy grumbled. “Sorry, ma'am.”

“Um…” Nyota wasn't sure if she should say anything or just kept quiet.

“Come on, Bones, we have to celebrate. Pike thinks I'm two steps away from being a responsible adult.”

“I would pay to see you acting like a responsible adult,” McCoy mocked.

And just like that, McCoy and Kirk walked away like nothing happened. McCoy even gave her a tiny smile as he passed next to her. It was almost like he knew Kirk wasn't hurt, and as long as he was fine, McCoy would be fine as well.

Nyota entered her room tiredly. This had been a long day, and even when Spock congratulated her on her effort, she could sense a small note of disappointment in his voice (he had heard her arguments over and over, however he didn't know she'd used Kirk's story). She just wished this day was already over. A few minutes later Gaila came to the room and, as expected, she was angry.

“I didn't know you were here,” Gaila said quickly. “I'll grab my things and go.”

Nyota tried to subdue her disappointment. It was girls' night; they were supposed to spend time together. She knew Gaila wouldn't be happy and willing to hang out as if nothing had happened, but she'd hoped she would at least gave her the chance to explain herself.

“Are you spending the night with Kirk?”

“More like the weekend; I'll try to be gone from this room as much as I can.”

“Look, Gaila, it wasn't personal, I was just…”

“Don't even try it, Nyota. Please, at least be honest with yourself: you wanted to win to show off to your Vulcan. I respect that, but using Jim's personal life to obtain it? The high and mighty Nyota, who always knows what's right, doing something that foul? Or what, as long as it pleases the Vulcan, it's okay? You're changing, and I'm not sure I like this new you.”

“What are you talking about? I'm the same person.” Nyota was getting angry as well. Gaila kept talking about how much she was changing for Spock and how she didn't care about their friendship anymore.

“Right, you're becoming a robot, and you're the same person,” Gaila hissed.

“If I don't meddle in your illogical relationship with Kirk, then you shouldn't meddle in my business,” Nyota spat.

“My illogical relationship?” Gaila laughed bitterly. “Are you hearing yourself? I'm not meddling in anything. I've tolerated your nasty attitude and snobby behavior. I've accepted that you don't like my boyfriend, I don't even bring him here, even though I'd be within my rights to do so, I live in this room too in case you've forgotten. But I'm a good sport and I try to make you comfortable with the situation, and I don't get the same courtesy? Well, fuck you, Nyota. I hope the Vulcan is worth it, since you'll be completely alone if in the end you don't manage to be with him. Guess what? You're not a Vulcan, and you never will be, no matter how much you try to act like one. You know what the worst part is? I miss my friend, the one who use to care what happened in my life. I bet you wouldn't even cry if I died, just to prove to Professor Spock that you don't feel anything.”

They both knew this had gone too far when Gaila's words sunk in. Without saying anything else, Gaila left the room, leaving Nyota too stunned to say anything. She hadn't change that much, had she? It was stupid to ask herself that, apparently she couldn't see the whole picture. She didn't feel that different – sure, she acted less emotional, but that didn't mean she was a bitch, as Leonard McCoy thought. _You're not a Vulcan_ … She tried to remember the last time she spent time with Gaila and actually talked with her instead of just criticizing her about every decision she made.

Then she realized the ugly truth: she _was_ a bitch. She had been so absorbed in proving what an ideal mate she could be to Spock that she forgot no-one could become something they weren't. Spock's father had accepted a human as a mate, so why was Nyota trying so hard to change her nature? It probably wasn't even necessary. _If someone is going to love you, it has to be for what you are, not what you could become_. Her mother, Gaila and everyone else had been right the entire time. She was trying too hard to impress Spock. All she had to do was be herself, without faking or showing off. She was intelligent, attractive and kind, and that should be enough for Spock; he'd said that he valued morality more than intellect.

She'd become one of those silly girls who changed just to impress the guy they were interested in; irony noted. Well, at least she now had a right to criticize, as she was experiencing this situation, and yes, she maintained her point: It was stupid and a waste of effort.

“I was under the impression you had a previous engagement,” Spock said when Nyota appeared in his office late that night.

“Gaila is mad at me… I think she will stop talking to me,” Nyota sighed as she sat in front of the desk.

“Close acquaintances often converse about disagreements,” Spock noted. “I am sure you can overcome this difficultly. May I ask what the problem was?”

“I… well, in the debate, I was opposing Gaila's boyfriend. I used an argument that held emotional connotations for the guy.”

“Is this person the famous James Kirk I have heard so much about?”

“Yeah, the campus slut,” Nyota snapped. “Sorry, I just… well, Kirk and I have history.”

“Indeed?”

“He thinks I'll sleep with him just because he's handsome.” Nyota shook her head. “He even hits on me in front of Gaila, honestly, I don't know why she's with him.”

“Humans often choose partners for illogical reasons,” Spock theorized. “Although Miss Gaila is an Orion, I am sure she shares this particular trait.”

“Must do, but she's happy with him, and I guess I should deal. So you've heard about Kirk?”

“Admiral Komack is fond of speaking of the rebellious, ‘smartass’ student he has; Captain Pike has clarified that Mister Kirk, while intelligent and bright, is also defiant and outspoken. I assume he is the same James Kirk who was born during the Narada incident?”

“The one and only,” Nyota scoffed. “Pike has a soft spot for the guy; apparently he was friends with George Kirk and feels guilty because Winona Kirk was discharged a few years after Kirk's birth. Now he lets Kirk wander around like he owns Starfleet.”

“I am sure you are exaggerating.” Spock lifted his eyebrow. “Captain Pike is one of the most respected and reasonable humans I have had the pleasure to meet.”

“You've worked with him, right?”

“Indeed. He lacked formality, yet his ability to make logical decisions was commendable… for a human, of course.”

“Yeah, of course,” Nyota smiled. “Spock…”

“Yes?” Spock asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Have you considered…?” Nyota bit her lip. “Um… I…”

_Just do it_ , her mind screamed. And since she had stopped listening to her impulsive side to try and imitate the logical behavior Spock displayed, she decided _to hell with it._ She was human, and if Spock couldn't deal with that, well, then he wasn't the Prince Charming she needed. Spock looked at her with curiosity as Nyota stood up and came closer to him, touching his face gently.

Then she did it. She kissed the guy she had been in love for the past year. She kissed him, and there were no fireworks or explosions or butterflies. There was no magic feeling, no fairies dancing around. It just felt… right.

It felt right, even though Spock was rigid as death and hadn't made the slightest movement. Nyota closed her eyes, but she was sure Spock had his open the entire time. Finally she let go, completely red, and wondering what to do next.

_Run_ , her mind screamed, but her body didn't respond and she just stood there, as Spock looked at her with a blank expression. Of course, she didn't expect for Spock to act shocked or anything, but a little reaction would have been nice.

“Ah… that's how humans kiss,” Nyota said, feeling really stupid. With her high IQ and her communication skills, that was the best thing she could come up with?

“I am aware of the fact,” Spock said in a cold tone. “However, I did not think there was a need for a practical demonstration… is this part of some lecture on human culture that I disregarded?”

“No… Spock, I like you. I like you as more than a friend, and well… I know you said that you never considered the idea of choosing a human mate, but still, could you contemplate the possibility of giving me a chance? All experiments need corroboration, either to see if they work or to see if they fail. I'm willing to try my best.”

Spock inclined his head, blinking.

“I admit I have considered this possibility. However, I was under the impression that you preferred to wait until after your graduation.”

What? He knew?

“You knew?!” Nyota asked with a squeak.

“I am afraid so. You projected some of your thoughts very loudly, and even when I tried my best to block them, on occasions where your mind was very confused you would not stop thinking about it, and it was impossible for me to avoid… ‘peeking’, as you said last time.”

“God, I'm so embarrassed.” Nyota begged for the ground to open up and swallow her.

“May I ask why? I thought this was a positive development,” Spock asked. “Did I interpret your thoughts wrongly?”

“No! No, no… but you could have said something, Spock.”

“I did not want to pressure you, since I thought your decision held merit, and it would have been rude for me to approach the subject when you had never spoken of it.”

“So basically, you would have lied,” Nyota smirked.

“Negative. I would have told you what I perceived when you decided to broach the topic in the near future.”

Her Prince was dense and logical… right now that didn't seem like a good thing, but Nyota smiled; it turned out that Spock accepted her human traits and liked her for them, and the only one who thought it necessary to become someone else to fit perfectly with Spock was her.

Again, the irony didn't go unnoticed.

Gaila didn't return to the room the entire weekend. On Monday she came, showered and changed her clothes, and left again without even glancing at Nyota. Nyota didn't blame her, she was trying to think of a way to fix this. Now that she and Spock were in a relationship (sort of), she realized she'd done a lot of stupid things. Kirk probably was smarter than she was in this area, as he'd never tried to change for Gaila like Nyota had tried to do for Spock.

As she walked on the hallways, she noticed she was being followed. By Jim Kirk.

“Can I help you?” Nyota turned around, making Kirk jump at the sudden movement.

“Uhura! Fancy seeing you here! To what do we own this honor?” Kirk said.

“You know very well that I use this hallway to go to my morning classes. Do you want something?”

“Okay, okay, no small talk. Look… It's Gaila…”

“Is she okay?” Nyota asked, worried.

“She's fine… or at least, she tries to pretend she is. I know you don't like me.”

“Clever,” Nyota snapped.

“Can we do this without the sarcastic comments? I'm not that fond of you either, but I care about Gaila, and she's miserable over losing her best friend.”

“I care about Gaila as well, and she hasn't lost her best friend. We had a disagreement.”

“Yeah, it must be a big one, she's thinking of moving out.”

“What? She can't do that!” Nyota couldn't let that happen.

“She asked Christine Chapel about it. I don't know what the problem is, but if I'm the one causing you two to fight, tell me what to do and I'll fix it.”

“The world doesn't revolve around you, Kirk,” Nyota said bitterly.

“That's why I said ‘if’,” Kirk clarified. “Gaila won't tell me what's wrong, and since I'm banned from your room, I know I couldn't have had anything to do with it unless this is about that stupid debate. I told her I don't mind, but she gets defensive. I don't want her sad, so… what can I do?”

“You really care for her, don't you?” Nyota was starting to see Kirk in a new light.

“I could love her someday. She _gets_ me.” Kirk shrugged. “And she's suffered enough already, don't you think?”

“At least we agree on something.” Nyota crossed her arms in front of her chest.

“Miracles happen,” Kirk smiled.

This was hard to admit, but she had been extremely hard on Kirk. Sure, he was obnoxious, and he could be so annoying… yet he was smart, he cared about Gaila, McCoy practically bit the head off of anyone who bad-mouthed him, and Pike kept using him as a point of reference (good _and_ bad).

Bottom line, Kirk had never done anything to her, and the fact that he was here, talking with her, just to make Gaila happy… she could make the effort as well.

“Just… look, I'm sorry. I've been insensitive and narrow-minded. I honestly don't know you at all, Gaila doesn't even talk about you.”

“Because she knows it annoys you. She doesn't talk about you with me either; I don't even know your name! She won't tell me, and trust me, I've tried to pry it from her in some extreme moments and yet she doesn't cave.”

“Okay, I don't need details.” Nyota cringed. “Make her happy, and I'll tolerate you.”

“Deal.”

“And you can't be in our room. If I don't bring dates there, neither should Gaila.”

“Okay, I must say I'm surprised to hear you say you date… I thought you were a nun or something.”

“Kirk!” Nyota raised her voice.

“Sorry, okay, I'm still banned from the room, got it. So… are you going to talk to her?”

“If she lets me, yes.” Nyota groaned. Gaila hadn't given her the chance to even say good morning.

“Oh, that I can help you with. Just be at the bar outside the campus tonight.”

“A bar? On a Monday? Don't you ever take your education seriously, Kirk?”

“Live a little, Uhura,” Kirk laughed “one night won't hurt you.”

“I guess… I'm doing this for Gaila, though.”

“Then that makes two of us. See you around.”

As Kirk walked away, Nyota felt a small pang of loneliness. The girls around the Academy weren't kidding; Kirk did have a certain charm. Too bad the rest of him was so insufferable.

Spock didn't agree to the whole plan, particularly because it involved breaking the rules, but Nyota explained that sometimes you have to do things for friends, some that you like, some that you hate. She left Spock's office after hearing the ‘how illogical’ he said in response to her long clarification. Spock wouldn't get it anyway. He had no friends but Nyota, and she wouldn't ask for anything Spock wouldn't give freely.

Gaila never returned to the room that day, so she probably got ready in Kirk's room. As Nyota walked to the bar, she saw Leonard McCoy heading in the same direction.

“Cadet.” McCoy was formal as usual.

“Doctor,” Nyota answered politely.

“Jim put you up to this?” McCoy asked curiously.

“He seems to think he knows what's best for Gaila and me.” Nyota smiled.

“Oh, yes, he's the expert on friendships. The only reason I'm here is because I want my bottle of Vodka back. He drank it all, and he stole my tequila! I should kill him”

“What a beautiful relationship,” Nyota smirked.

“I know, we're like brothers. Shall we?”

“We shall.” Nyota waited while McCoy opened the door. Kirk was right, the doctor was a gentleman.

It didn't take long for them to locate Gaila and Kirk. They were laughing loudly at one of the farthest tables.

“It will be okay,” McCoy said kindly, probably seeing how nervous Nyota was about this.

“I hope so. I really screwed things up with her,” Nyota admitted.

“Friends fuck things up. Good friends forgive”

“Very profound,” Nyota grinned.

“I read it on a coffee mug today. I was looking for an excuse to use it. I just changed the ‘make mistakes’ to ‘fuck things up’. It seemed more accurate.”

“True”

As they approached the table, Kirk glanced at Nyota and smiled widely. Gaila, seeing this, turned around as well, and frowned.

“What the hell is she doing here?” Gaila sounded angry.

Nyota took a step back, colliding with McCoy's chest. The doctor took her arms gently, making her stand straight again. He squeezed her arm gently, in a show of comfort.

“Small world.” Kirk kept smiling.

“Yeah, Uhura in a bar on a Monday… this has Kirk written all over it,” Gaila grumbled.

“I'm wounded, Gaila!” Kirk used a fake tone of surprise. “You know Uhura hates me. Would I risk my life to set you two up?”

“Yes, you're an idiot.” Gaila glared at Kirk.

“Just for that, I'm going to bunk with Bones tonight,” Kirk complained.

“I don't see why I have to suffer,” McCoy spat.

Nyota felt out of place there. It was clear that McCoy and Kirk were really comfortable with each other, and Gaila was still mad at her. She would probably get angrier if Nyota said the wrong thing. Perhaps it would be best to let things settle for a few more days.

“Come Bones, you're hosting tonight.”

“OK. I stole your credits last time I found you passed out on the couch,” McCoy smirked.

“So that was what I felt! I thought you were a gentleman.” Kirk stood up, leaving the sit next to Gaila available.

“I am, I asked your permission first; not my fault you were unconscious.”

“Jim, if you leave me alone with her, I'll chop your dick off,” Gaila said curtly.

“Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Kirk,” Nyota agreed.

“Could you two stop? You've been friends as long as Bones and I have; you can't end things because you're too stubborn to actually talk about it. Uhura, you're a linguist, and Gaila, you're a programmer, can't you two apply some of your skills and have an actual conversation? God, I need a drink, come on Bones.”

Kirk and McCoy walked away, leaving the girls in an uncomfortable silence.

“Can I sit?” Nyota asked.

“If you must,” Gaila scoffed.

Okay, she needed to do this. Gaila was angry, it was understandable that she was acting this way. Still, it kind of pissed Nyota off to see Gaila being this rude. This was a valuable lesson: Gaila could be as bitchy as Nyota when you tested her patience. Nyota sat down, noticing how Gaila moved a little away from her.

She thought about what to say next. Perhaps she'd start by explaining why she said so many stupid things, or the reason behind her attitude. She wanted Gaila to understand everything, but she wasn't sure how to say it. For a linguist, Nyota often found herself at a loss for words.

“I was wrong,” Nyota said honestly. That got Gaila's attention.

“What?”

“I was wrong. I was close minded and judgmental, I acted like a child, and most importantly, I was a terrible friend to you. I demanded things from you without giving anything in return, but mostly… I wasn't there when you needed me, and I regret that I let myself forget how valuable you are to me, Gaila. I don't have siblings, and I always wanted a sister. Now that I have one, I didn't appreciate her. I know I'm asking too much… but I will do anything to get you to forgive me.”

Gaila looked at Nyota with a small frown.

“Why should I forgive you? You never admit when you make a mistake. You're perfect, the rest of us are stupid,” Gaila snapped.

“I think I'm more stupid than the rest, Gaila. I know I hurt you, and I know I can be difficult and stubborn, but you're my best friend, and I want my sister back. I'm willing to apologize to Kirk and make amends”

“Really?” Gaila widened her gaze “You would apologize to Jim?”

“Yes”

“Oh… okay, I forgive you.”

Nyota was taken aback by this reaction. Gaila smiled broadly and hugged Nyota tightly.

“Not that I'm not thrilled about this development but… why are you forgiving me so easily?” Nyota hugged Gaila back.

“Sweetie,” Gaila said as she let go of Nyota “I don't hold grudges, you know that. Jim told me you apologized to him already, I was just messing with you.” Gaila kissed her cheek loudly. “It was fun, seeing you at the other end of the judgmental road. No fun when someone does it to you, right?” Gaila winked, chuckling. Yeah, no fun indeed.

“Come on, I'll buy the next round.” Gaila pulled Nyota to her feet. “We have to catch up!”

Nyota allowed Gaila to drag her to the bar where Kirk and McCoy were chatting. Gaila hugged Nyota again, to prove Kirk that they had fixed things, and Kirk clapped, saying ‘about time’. She liked the way Gaila never fixated on what others did to her. One time they crossed paths with a guy from her past, and she waved at him happily. ‘I'm free now, I can't waste my time on stupid resentment’, she explained when Nyota asked how could she act like nothing happened. It was admirable, she had to be the strongest woman Nyota had ever met; she wasn't sure if she could have survived half of what Gaila had experienced.

Gaila was a breath of fresh air to everyone who met her, and Nyota was happy to have her as best friend. She was proud of her, and loved her like a sister.

Ten shots later, Kirk and Gaila were dancing rather obscenely while she and McCoy observed from the side.

“Everything patched up?” McCoy asked suddenly.

“Yeah… Gaila isn't rancorous; she just wanted to see me suffer.”

“I get it; Jim sometimes does that too.” McCoy laughed. “It's not often, Jim is the screw up in this friendship, but I have messed up occasionally.”

“It's hard to believe that you could do something wrong, McCoy,” Nyota mocked.

“Hey, I'm not perfect, no matter how much I try.”

“Does that mean I should stop trying then?” Nyota joked.

“No, ma'am, it means you have to be humble enough to admit when you're wrong, and maybe lighten up a little.”

“Gaila said the same thing.”

“The green woman has her moments. I guess we are alike, cadet.”

“How so, doctor?”

“I found my brother in Jim, as you found a sister in Gaila; we both hate to lose and make mistakes, and we both try hard to avoid seeing our friends hurt.”

“And we're both sober right now while our siblings are wasted and practically having sex on the dance floor,” Nyota pointed out.

“Right… you take yours, I'll take mine.”

“Deal.”

Nyota dragged Gaila through the hallways as she sang really out of tune. She was glad her friend was happy, even though she would probably have a killer headache in a few hours.

“Hey, Gaila?” Nyota said softly.

“Yes?” Gaila slurred.

“I would cry.”

Gaila looked at Nyota with a small frown, as if she doubted she'd heard correctly.

“If you died … I would cry.”

“Oh, honey… I know you would.” Gaila leaned on Nyota, humming lightly.

As she saw how Gaila hummed her favorite song, Nyota felt like this was a new beginning in their friendship. Who knows? Maybe she would even end up liking Kirk eventually.

 

* * *

 

Everything went to hell after a few months; Kirk cheated and Spock put him on trial, while Gaila and Nyota each supported their boyfriends. Gaila had helped Kirk with the deception, and Nyota didn't know if she should he pissed, or just amazed at how Gaila's skills had allowed Kirk to beat a sophisticated piece of software Spock had been developing for the last three years. Then the mission, and the destruction of Vulcan … Kirk defying Spock and Spock marooning him on Delta Vega … Nyota was trying so hard to focus on the moment; she tried to be there for Spock, and tried to help him mourn.

However, Kirk always beat her, and he compromised with Spock to get the Captaincy of the Enterprise. She had to say goodbye to Spock since he wanted to join Kirk in the suicide mission to Nero's ship. She didn't care that Kirk was there, and that he saw everything. She just wanted to be with Spock.

It was bittersweet; Kirk and Spock managed to defeat Nero, and saved Pike's life. But Vulcan was gone, Spock's mother was dead, and others had lost their loved ones as well. Perhaps this was what Kirk had felt all his life since losing his father.

Nyota convinced Spock to rest in the medical bay; she glanced at the bed next to Spock's, and saw McCoy petting Kirk's hair. They both had more than what they could handle.

“How is he?” Nyota asked as she walked over to Kirk's bed.

“He'll be an idiot again in no time,” McCoy answered, sounding really drained.

“I'm glad… well, not about the idiot part, but I guess it can't be helped.” She smiled weakly.

“You got that right.” McCoy smiled as well. “Uhura… can we talk?”

“Sure…” Nyota frowned. She wasn't sure what McCoy could possibly want with her.

“Let's go to my office… well, not my office, but…”

“Spock promoted you, McCoy,” Nyota said gently. “It is your office now.”

“Yeah, I guess…. Come.”

Leonard took her arm gently, leading her to the office. When they entered, he closed the door and shut the curtains. This didn't bode well.

“Am I in trouble?” Nyota joked to ease the tension.

McCoy took a deep breath, which made Nyota even more anxious.

“I received a document informing me about the casualties during the mission. The USS Pegasus and USS Archimedes received the hardest blows; Pegasus was almost destroyed …”

“USS Archimedes?” Nyota repeated. “That's Gaila's ship… is she okay, is she injured?” Nyota felt something twitching in her stomach.

“Uhura… Gaila is listed as one of the deceased … I'm so sorry,” McCoy said quickly, probably thinking it was best to just blurt out the news.

“What?” Nyota scoffed, incredulous. “That can't be… maybe she was put on the wrong list or something. Maybe she's just injured, maybe she…”

“Uhura.” McCoy grabbed Nyota by the shoulders. “I checked, twice. She didn't make it… Gaila is dead.”

“No… she can't be…”

“I'm sorry…”

“Gaila can't be dead, McCoy, she just can't! She promised! She promised we were going to dance at our weddings, and we would make it a double to freak out Kirk and Spock! She promised I was going to be the godmother of Kirk Junior, and she was going to make Spock that awful tea she only manages to get right! Gaila promised! She can't leave me! She can't leave me alone! Please, don't let her leave me alone!”

McCoy caught her before she even touched the floor, as she cried her heart out. She'd promised they were going to be together, they were sisters. Sobbing, she clutched at McCoy's uniform, feeling hopeless. Gaila couldn't leave her… she needed her, she loved her! Without Gaila, who would help her keep her feet on the ground? Who would mock her? Who would tell her how annoying she could get? Who would be there when she was alone and hopeless to give her a fresh start?

She promised…

 

* * *

 

Nyota blinked, feeling disoriented. As she glanced around, she noticed she was lying in one of the beds in Sickbay. What was she doing there? Then she remembered. Gaila was dead… Gaila was gone. She sat up quickly, and felt a hand squeezing her own.

“Spock?” she asked, surprised to see him sitting next to her.

“Doctor McCoy thought it prudent sedate you,” Spock explained. “After a traumatic event, rest is necessary.”

Nyota smiled weakly; that was the argument she'd used to get Spock to stay in Sickbay after he returned from Nero's ship.

“Gaila is dead, isn't she?” Nyota said sadly, knowing the answer already. No matter how many times everyone said it, she still couldn't believe it. She probably never would.

“I am afraid so.” Spock tried to sound sympathetic.

Nyota heard a loud thud. She and Spock turned to their right, seeing Kirk hitting the wall for the second time. McCoy was next to him, trying to calm him down. He probably just heard the news. They watched Kirk for a few more minutes as McCoy grabbed his arm forcefully to stop the guy from hitting the wall a third time.

“I grieve with thee,” Spock said solemnly.

“And I with thee,” Nyota added.

They didn't say much after that. Spock lost his mother and his home; Nyota lost her sister and her support. As she heard Kirk yelling profanities, somehow she felt he had lost it all.

 

* * *

 

The memorial was nice… as nice as could be expected. She walked to the wall, to see her friend's name being part of the reminiscences of lost battles. She saw Kirk and McCoy standing there. Kirk was touching Gaila's name. After his breakdown in sickbay, he had bounced back easily, saying that Gaila died doing what she loved the most: protecting others. Gaila gave everyone a chance, and Kirk said her sacrifice should be honored the way Gaila would have liked it… with a smile.

Kirk knew Gaila even better than Nyota did. He _got_ her.

"I could have loved her, you know?" Nyota heard Kirk saying.

"She was something." McCoy sounded sincere.

"Eventually, I could have loved her. We could have been a couple. She understood me better than anyone."

Kirk and McCoy walked away, stopping in front of Amanda Grayson's name. They stood there for a while, and then they were gone. Nyota came closer to Gaila's name when McCoy and Kirk were out of sight, touching it as gently as Kirk had. She started crying again; her best friend was gone, her accomplice, her conscience… her sister.

“I told you I would cry,” Nyota said between sobs.

The sorrow became less overwhelming with each passing day. Life goes on, and Gaila would always live in Nyota's heart.

 

* * *

 

Assignments were given, and Nyota was pleased to know she was assigned to the Enterprise, with Spock in command. He deserved the Enterprise, he was Pike's Commander and he did a very good job during the Nero incident. She was glad the admiralty saw this and granted Spock a ship worthy of his efforts.

The only thing missing from the Enterprise crew was a First Officer, and Nyota was curious to see who Spock would choose.

“The crew is finally complete,” Spock announced during their dinner together.

“Oh?” Nyota saw him with curiosity. “Did you find a Commander then? Excellent! Who is it?”

Spock kept eating without saying anything, almost like he didn't want to say who he had chosen.

“Spock?” Nyota pushed.

“James Kirk,” Spock said after a prolonged pause. “He will be the First Officer for the Enterprise.”

What? Kirk? Kirk was going to be on the crew too? This was unbelievable! The guy who made Spock snap? The one who couldn't take orders to save his life? What the hell was Spock thinking?

“Kirk?” she scoffed.

“Affirmative.”

“Spock… did the Admirals force you to take Kirk? Because we can appeal against it…”

“My decision was not coerced; Admiral Komack seemed rather baffled by my choice. Kirk has been reliable and confident.”

“Also insubordinate and rude,” Nyota snapped.“He will question every decision you make, Spock! Kirk is rebellious and infuriating; he doesn't know how to follow orders! It's no secret he wanted the Enterprise, do you honestly think he will be a team player?”

“I believe Mister Kirk can behave during certain circumstances. He has proven to be… an interesting character.”

“Try obnoxious.” Nyota just couldn't understand the logic behind this decision. Spock himself had tried to trial Kirk for being unethical, and now he wanted him on the Enterprise? What the hell?

“I have high expectations of our working dynamics. I am sure we can find common ground.”

Spock hinted that this was it, and the topic wasn't open for discussion anymore. She didn't like this, not one bit. But at least she would be on the Enterprise as well; if Kirk dared do anything to sabotage Spock's work, she would be there to stop him.

Contrary to what Nyota believed, Kirk actually behaved well. He was polite, he obeyed… almost like a trained dog. It was refreshing. However, there was something bothering Nyota, and it was the fact that Spock seemed to be spending less time with her, in order to be with Kirk. Spock kept saying it was work related, and Nyota didn't want to sound like a jealous, crazy girlfriend, but it was getting on her nerves how every time she wanted to be with her boyfriend, he already had a date with Kirk.

Finally she managed to squeeze herself into Spock's busy agenda with Kirk. She had a lot planned for this dinner; they hadn't been together in almost three weeks, she missed him. But once again, Kirk screwed her over.

“Spock!” Nyota saw him walking to the Recreation room. “Did you forget something?”

“Pardon me?” Spock seemed surprised to see Nyota approaching him.

“You're going to the Recreation room, I thought you were ready for our dinner.”

Spock lifted an eyebrow, and Nyota already knew what that meant: He forgot.

“Nyota, I am terribly remorseful. I have arranged a meeting with Commander Kirk to discuss the crew's schedules.”

“Well, can't you rearrange it, then? We talked about this dinner two weeks ago.” Nyota tried to sound calm, but she was beyond pissed.

“I am afraid this is a pressing matter. The captaincy can be demanding and Mister Kirk has been kind enough to give up some of his free time to work and improve the ship.”

“Yeah, he's a saint,” Nyota bit out.

Spock knew by now that this particular tone of voice meant sarcasm.

“We could reschedule our dinner,” Spock suggested.

“What for? Kirk will just meddle again.”

“I do not understand why you are distressed; have I not explained the situation logically?”

“You know what? Go, Spock, go with Kirk. I'll see you when he stops hogging you.”

She turned around, walking away quickly. Dammit, she was jealous! She was jealous of that stupid, obnoxious underachiever! Spock was working, he wasn't fooling around or doing something wrong… still, she felt like she was losing a battle neither Kirk nor Spock knew they were having.

She tried to calm herself; it wasn't that Spock was ditching her, he was Captain now, he had other responsibilities. For some reason, she sucked at convincing herself of that. Two days later, Kirk was asking her all about her shifts. Well, then Spock was telling the truth, and they were only working.

The way she doubted Spock just because Kirk was involved still amazed her.

“Okay, I think I got everything I need,” Kirk said. “Do you want to peek and see how the new shifts will be?”

“Sure,” she said without any energy. She wasn't interested, but she'd promised Spock that she'd be civil to Kirk.

As she glanced at Kirk's PADD, she couldn't believe it. Kirk changed the entire timetable so her and Spock's shifts were scheduled at the same time, having the same off time, while Kirk and Spock would rarely spend time on the bridge together.

“I thought you'd like it.” Kirk smiled. Could he have noticed Nyota's jealousy? “We only need Spock to approve, but I'm sure it's a done deal.”

When Nyota mentioned this to Spock, the last thing she expected was for him to disagree. Spock objected to the new schedule, and justified it with the ‘necessity for higher ranks to spend time together and familiarize each other with their command skills’. In other words, he wanted to continuing spending time with Kirk, and leaving her behind.

Spock was too dense to see how much this was affecting Nyota; she was no longer angry, now she was just depressed. She was losing Spock, and nobody else knew it but her.

Nyota knew many different ways of communication, and decided to observe Kirk and Spock. Those two were loud enough without saying anything. The way Kirk smiled and Spock inclined his head. How Spock encouraged Kirk to talk and let him win arguments, and Kirk measured his words and tried to be controlled.

The way Kirk wanted to be more Vulcan for Spock, and Spock wanted to be more human for Kirk.

She wondered how everyone could be so blind; the relationship between Kirk and Spock was changing. They seemed more comfortable around each other, Spock even said things that could be considered _jokes_ , and Kirk started clapping Spock's shoulder and giving him friendly pats on the back. She wasn't losing Spock… she had already lost him.

She had to end this relationship. Spock didn't even notice how they'd stopped acting like a couple, and become more like friends. He was so painfully naïve, and Nyota could have fought. She could have held onto the last thread of their relationship. But hey, if you love someone, set them free…

In this case, Nyota knew Spock wouldn't come back.

“Are you certain?” Spock asked, perhaps only out of politeness.

“I'm afraid so. Spock, this isn't working out, you feel it too, right?”

“I admit we have not spent much time as a couple lately, and I cannot guarantee that will change in the future. Perhaps once the Enterprise is running smoothly, we can resume our liaison.”

Spock was just suggesting this to be safe, Nyota knew. There was no turning back now. She'd set him free, and she was sure Kirk would keep him. She should hate him, yet she had never seen Spock so comfortable with anyone before. Not even her.

And she couldn't hate Kirk for making Spock more at ease with himself.

 

* * *

 

After Amanda came, things started to get more personal. Spock and Kirk were the parents, McCoy even started a rumor about how they were adopting the girl; she wished he was exaggerating, but the way those two acted around the baby was sickeningly sweet. Spock was like the overprotective father who didn't want any dangerous things near his daughter; Kirk was like the caring mother, spoiling the kid rotten.

And worse of all, they looked good with Amanda. They looked like a family.

When they took back Amanda back home, McCoy was worried about Kirk. Apparently the baby was the first woman to break Kirk's heart (except Gaila), and he was going to take it hard when he left her. She was walking in the hallway when she saw McCoy at the other end, heading to Kirk's room. She was going to get the crib too, Rand asked her to do it as a favor since she had a vaccine appointment in Sickbay. She stopped when she saw Spock knocking on Kirk's door. She saw them chatting, and Spock entered the room after a few moments.

Nyota was surprised. Spock… Spock went to Kirk because he knew he needed a friend. And perhaps Spock needed a friend as well. When she glanced up, McCoy was staring at her intently, since he had also seen what just happened.

They both knew what this meant. They had lost their friends. She went to her room, thinking about the situation. Kirk pissed her off, no doubt about that, and Spock could be infuriating when he didn't get obvious things; the fact that they were getting closer should be irritating. It was no such thing. She did feel confused and somewhat perplexed, but deep down she knew it made sense. Spock seemed fond of Kirk, why else had he chosen him for the Enterprise? It was almost like they had reached a balance, and she'd started to get in the middle.

Ironic, how she hated love triangles and she became part of one; good thing she removed herself from the equation before she started obsessing about it. However, this was still lingering in her mind. If she loved Spock, if he was her Prince Charming, how come she'd let him go so easily, without a fight?

Maybe because she knew you couldn't fight for something you never had. Spock liked her, but she doubted he loved her; at least, not the way he could love Kirk. Yeah, she was ready to admit that those two were heading down that path; she wasn't thrilled about Spock's choice, but at least it comforting to know that he hadn't picked Kirk over her deliberately. He wasn't even aware of his feelings; that was the problem with Vulcans, they spent so much time rationalizing things. Spock chose Uhura in the first place because it was logical. Since no female Vulcan would be interested in marrying a hybrid, he probably thought it best to find a human mate. With Spock, gender wasn't important, he valued intelligence and character. Now that he was _feeling_ , he just acted on it without realizing that he was falling deep.

She wondered if she should point that out. She knew Kirk was a player, but during the last six months of his relationship with Gaila, he'd managed to be faithful and committed, helping her to make amends with her friend. She only feared that Kirk would hurt Spock because he was emotionally immature sometimes. Spock not wanting to feel, and Kirk feeling too much… it could be a disaster. Badmouthing Kirk wouldn't work anyway, Spock always jumped to his defense (‘he is capable’, ‘he is an outstanding crewmember’, ‘he is kind enough to give his spare time to help Mister Scott’; Nyota was getting tired of hearing how Kirk was better than oatmeal), and if she continued doing it, she would probably sound like a child. She knew how to lose, even when she didn't like it.

She could lose to Kirk, as long as Kirk knew what was at stake.

 

* * *

 

Nyota decided to let things flow, and just observe carefully. When they were assigned to get that plant, she was surprised that the golden duo decided to break off their needy relationship of beaming back glued to the hip. After what happened with Amanda, Spock made it his personal goal to beam down with Kirk, who by the way got the most stupid injuries she had ever seen. There was not a single mission that Kirk unscratched, which she thought was amusing. So Spock thought it prudent to watch Kirk's back (meaning: stalking him).

Spock was detained in the lab, and Kirk beamed down instead. Nyota saw the look the Vulcan gave her: _don't let him get hurt_. Oh, Spock… he was so oblivious. He was probably just asking as a friend, but who would ask that of their ex-girlfriend? Well, she didn't blame him, he hardly knew the proper etiquette after a breakup. Besides, as far as Spock was concerned, things were exactly the same as before. They still talked and sometimes shared meals, which was basically what they did when they were dating. The more Nyota thought about it, she realized they'd never actually been a couple, but just good friends; best friends.

They never connected, and they never would. Kirk was a lucky bastard; he related to others without even trying.

Fortunately, Kirk thought the look was for Sulu, and Sulu did as well, since he nodded and then Spock was gone from the Transporter room.

When she saw Kirk start swelling up, she knew Spock would have their heads.

“I'll call Captain Spock,” Uhura said as she tried to drag Kirk through the hallways.

“He's busy, Uhura,” Kirk was wheezing. “After Bones fixes me, I'll report to him.”

“But… he needs to be informed.” Uhura knew that Spock wanted to know everything as soon as it happened.

“Why don't we wait until we're in Sickbay?” suggested Sulu. “The Commander is heavy, and he's hurt.”

“I'm not heavy!” Kirk complained. “It's muscle!”

“I'd call it fat,” McCoy said from the Sickbay door.

“You knew I was injured?” Kirk asked, surprised.

“Not really, but since you manage to get hurt _every_ time you beam down, I was ready. Why didn't you beam directly into sickbay?” McCoy frowned.

“Last time I landed on the floor. I'll reserve that for when I'm unconscious.”

“Lucky me.”

McCoy helped them, and Kirk ended up in one of the nearest beds, still looking rather ill. McCoy injected him with something, and after a few seconds of Kirk's protests, the swelling was disappearing. McCoy was good. That was when Kirk decided to report to the Bridge, thinking that Spock would still be busy with the lab. As soon as Spock heard about Kirk being in Sickbay, he rushed to the place.

What worried Uhura the most was Spock's reaction when he saw Kirk hurt. He actually looked concerned; Uhura had never seen this side of Spock, and she wasn't sure of how good this would be. When McCoy said ‘I'm done, he's all yours’, she knew he really meant it. Kirk was slowly becoming a crucial part of Spock's life.

 

* * *

 

A few days later, the dynamic between Kirk and Spock changed. It was tense, and Spock even stopped interacting with Kirk altogether, using her as an excuse a few times. She should be offended that before Spock only wanted to be with Kirk, and now he was using her to avoid him, but this was Spock. He had no idea about human behavior and its implications. She didn't know why he was pissed at Kirk, but she suspected she was going to find out soon.

And she was right. Kirk showed up at her table during dinner, like they were best friends or something. After hearing what Kirk had to say, she was surprised. Not only because Spock hadn't shared that he was single, but because Kirk was asking for her help. That showed how desperate Kirk was about this, and looking closely, he seemed sad. Sad that Spock had decided to stop hanging out with him. Kirk still had McCoy, it wasn't like he was losing his only friend… however, she knew that Kirk's motives were unconscious. He needed Spock, he just didn't know _why_. It was painfully awkward for her, seeing the obvious, and being unable to intervene.

She knew that if Spock and Kirk got together in the future, it had to be on their own, and not because of others pushing them. Nyota decided that she could help by getting to know Kirk a bit more. Everyone liked him. Gaila said she never gave Kirk a chance, and Spock was letting him get close to him. She should see what all the fuss was about this guy.

Nyota wouldn't interfere between Kirk and Spock, but that didn't mean she couldn't step in and give a friendly hand when they needed it. She had resigned herself to this situation already, and she was tired of being the evil bitch who only ruined things for others. She had been the bitch for years; it was time for a change.

 

* * *

 

“Do you believe we renounced our romantic liaison too hastily?”

Nyota glanced up from her book, frowning. Spock had wanted to chat with her, and she had no idea of the topic, but now she felt curious.

“Sorry?” she asked to make sure she heard correctly.

“I was talking with Commander Kirk.” Oh, now this made more sense. “He believes my approach to romantic relationships is flawed.”

“Yeah, like Jim is the romance guru,” Nyota joked.

“If he is, he did not mention it,” Spock deadpanned. Right, Spock never got jokes unless you said it was a joke.

With Kirk, however, he quickly learned when he was joking, and he made witty comments back.

“No Spock, we ended up things because it wasn't working out,” she said patiently.

“That was what I thought as well. Mister Kirk seems to think that it is wrong to believe romantic relationships will have an end.”

“Well, yeah, humans often don't like to think about when the relationship will break up; it's tacky.”

“I see. Mister Kirk seems experienced in several topics where I am at a loss.”

“He should, he's human. Don't beat yourself up, Spock; we are better as friends.”

Spock nodded, but Nyota knew he was still holding something back.

“The Enterprise has a mostly human crew. Mister Kirk would be a better captain for this ship, correct?”

Nyota dropped her book entirely, looking at Spock with surprise. Was he having second thoughts about his command because he thought Kirk was better? This couldn't be possible! Kirk made Spock feel insecure!

Maybe later, when she stopped being so stunned, she would laugh about it.

“Spock, all ships have mostly humans, I don't see how this is relevant.”

“Mister Kirk acted with more logic than myself, he trusted his instincts, and he was right. He deserved the captaincy, and the Admirals decided against it because of his record. It seems unfair.”

“You did an internship with Pike and you worked with him as his Commander for three years. Jim was lucky.”

“He was not lucky, he had a strategy,” Spock defended.

“Yeah, being lucky.” Nyota kept arguing. “You're a good Captain, Spock. Kirk thinks so as well.”

“Of course, I know my abilities and I am aware of my capacity”

Nyota thought this topic was closed, when she heard a faint whisper. _However, he could be better_.

Spock would say later that he was just exploring other possibilities, and that particular chat didn't mean anything but curiosity.

 

* * *

 

“Hi, Uhura!” Jim smiled at her.

“What do you want?” Nyota knew that tone.

“Damn! How do you do it?”

“I'm a linguist, Jim. It's my job to know these things.” Nyota winked at him. She was starting to actually like him. Charming bastard.

“Right, right. Okay, I need a favor.”

“Let's see. If it's reasonable, maybe I'll consider doing it.”

“You'll find it reasonable. I want you to convince Spock to stay on the ship when we reach Advani.”

Nyota lifted her eyebrow.

“And why would I do that?”

“Because it's dangerous!” Kirk snapped. “He wants to risk his life! He's the damn Captain, he has to be safe.”

“I assume this argument didn't work with Spock,” Nyota said, amused.

“No, and Bones sided with him. Imagine, the only time those two actually agree on something, and it's to be against me”

“It must have been fun,” Nyota chuckled.

“Yeah, yeah… so… can you talk some sense into him, please?”

“Jim, I don't know what you want me to do. Spock already made up his mind.”

“I just…” Kirk fidgeted, and Uhura saw the faintest blush on his cheeks. “I want him to be safe.”

Uhura finally saw how much Jim cared for Spock. He just wasn't good at showing it.

“I'll talk to him,” she conceded.

“Thanks! I know you can do it!” Jim smiled happily.

If he only knew that Nyota was no longer the person Spock listened to.

Shore leave was very welcome, since she was tired of being on the ship. Good thing Edwards was an idiot, even though McCoy complained about the paperwork. The crew decided to go to a bar to let off some steam, and she thought it could be fun. Spock stayed on the ship, meditating.

When she got to the place, she saw McCoy at the bar, talking with Sulu. When she came closer, Sulu stood up.

“No need to run, Sulu,” Nyota joked.

“Miss Uhura! I just wanted to go with Chekov.”

“Where is he?”

“Outside, I think he wasn't feeling too well,” Sulu said, sounding sad. “I'll see you later.”

Sulu walked away, leaving the bar-stool next to McCoy free. Nyota took that as an invitation, and sat down.

“You don't look too happy,” Nyota observed.

“Everyone thinks I'm a counselor. Talking to me about their problems… I have problems of my own!” McCoy complained.

“Oh, don't be mean. You gave that wise and ancient vibe we all love.” Nyota winked.

“Funny.” McCoy shook his head. “Where's the hobgoblin?”

“Spock and bars? You know those two don't mix,” Nyota smiled.

“I suppose. Jim's with Mitchell. That guy unnerves me.”

“I thought you were friends.”

“He's Jim's friend; I honestly think he slept with Komack to get the captaincy.”

“But isn't the Archimedes being used as a cargo ship?” Nyota wondered. She was sure of that, Spock had told her.

“Yeah, I didn't say he was a _good_ lay,” McCoy grumbled. “At least I know the Vulcan earned his place. No way would he sleep with Komack.”

“That's right. Spock thinks Kirk deserves it more, though.”

“What?” Leonard looked at Uhura with wide eyes.

Damn, the alcohol made her spill things without thinking.

“Don't say anything,” Nyota warned “but Spock told me he thinks Kirk deserves the captaincy more than him.”

“I can't believe you. The hobgoblin would never say that out loud,” McCoy smirked.

“I'm telling you!” Nyota pouted. “And you'd better not say anything about this.”

“Yeah, like anyone would believe me anyway.”

They kept drinking in silence.

“Doctor, I guess we are alike,” Nyota said formally.

“How so, Lieutenant?” McCoy played along.

“Our best friends are in love… again,” Nyota said, smiling sadly.

“You noticed it too, huh?” McCoy smiled as well. “They're too dense to get it.”

“That makes sense, Spock is a Vulcan.”

“And Jim is an idiot.”

McCoy looked at Nyota with a sorrowful expression. Of course, she knew she'd be getting those eventually; the ex watching the romance develop was bound to attract pity looks.

“I'm fine,” she assured him. “I guess he wasn't my Prince Charming.”

“Yeah, he could be your enchanted toad… who ran away with the village idiot,” McCoy mused.

“I'm still surprised by how you talk about Jim,” Nyota said.

“He loves it. Tough love is the only way to knock some sense into his thick head,” McCoy theorized.

They were aware of the relationship blossoming in front of them, and both agreed to help out if needed. This was less sour than she thought it would be.

 

* * *

 

Mitchell was sneaky. Nyota noticed that when she saw what happened with Giotto and how Riley was officially assigned to the Enterprise. She didn't know why Jim was so touchy about the cadet. Nobody could look at him wrong without Kirk jumping to his defense. He was fighting a lot with Cravers because Jim forbade the guy from sparring with Riley. It intrigued Nyota.

“Riley!” Uhura called him out after lunch.

“Yes, Lieutenant?”

Riley was very formal. She liked him.

“Oh, call me Nyota, please.” She smiled to make him feel comfortable. “I've noticed that you are very proficient in linguistics.”

Riley had asked her about a book in Andorian she was reading one time, and he understood her answer perfectly. That intrigued her as well.

“Yes, I can learn languages easily … but I prefer security, I think it's more fun.” Riley smiled.

“Would you be interested in learning a few more dialects? It couldn't hurt, and it could be helpful on a mission.”

“Um… I guess. But I don't want to waste your time, Lieutenant.”

“Nyota. And you would actually be helping me. I need to practice my teaching skills; Jim is a bother when he wants to learn new languages.”

“Jim is a bother in general,” Riley mumbled.

“I agree.” Nyota winked.

“I apologize, Lieutenant, I thought you wouldn't hear me!” Riley blushed. “I didn't mean any disrespect!”

“Relax, Riley, I don't mind. Jim can be a pain in the ass.”

Riley laughed.

Nyota started having lessons with him after lunch, and it was fun. The kid was bright and polite, and smart enough to go into any field he wanted. She thought it was a waste to have this amazing linguist in security. Perhaps she could convince him to change his field; it would be great to have Riley onboard as a linguist.

When the rescue mission to help the Pegasus was assigned to the Enterprise, Nyota had a bad feeling about it. Kirk fought endlessly with Spock to keep Riley on the ship. Spock didn't cave, and Nyota agreed with him. They needed security officers, who were the experts in rescue missions. After a few agonizing hours, Riley and Kirk were trapped in the mine. This increased her anxiety; she helped Scotty with everything he needed, and then, just like when Gaila died, everything went to hell in seconds.

Scotty was asking for permission to beam out Kirk, and Kirk refused to leave Riley. Spock gave the order, and as soon as Kirk was beamed out, the walls collapsed entirely. A few more seconds, and Kirk would have died too.

She knew it was her job to give the final report. She had to say it, yet she refused. She didn't want to, they all knew Riley was dead, why force her to say it?

Scotty patted her arm, nodding. He looked sympathetic, and he probably understood the predicament Uhura was in. She had to do it, she was just trying to delay it as much as she could.

“No life signals from the mine, Captain.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew she had broken Jim and Spock's friendship.

Kevin's death left a depressing environment on the Enterprise. The crew had gotten attached to Riley, he was a nice kid, very similar to Jim in many ways… he was a charmer. McCoy was keeping Jim in Sickbay, completely isolated. Perhaps that was best, he would take Riley's death personally, and no-one had a clue how he would react. Not even the McCoy imagined what his friend would do.

He reacted worse than anyone could have predicted. He was cold, distant... a real jerk. Nyota was trying to swallow her frustrations; this was expected, Kirk was mourning. She needed to be tolerant. The last straw for her was seeing Spock walking down the hallway, looking completely defeated.

“Spock?” Nyota caught up with him. “Are you okay?”

“I am well” Spock said coldly, and she knew that meant he was sad. Why would he be sad?

“Spock, I know you, please, tell me what's wrong,” Nyota pleaded.

“Nothing is wrong,” Spock said curtly. “Mister Kirk and I had a disagreement, it is of no consequence.”

She heard the way Spock's voice changed when he mentioned Kirk. Spock looked miserable, like he had lost everything valuable to him. As he walked away, Nyota clenched her fists with fury. Kirk… he was acting like an idiot, and hurting people like they were to blame for what happened to Riley.

Kirk hurt Spock. And she couldn't forgive that. As soon as she saw him, she couldn't help it. She slapped him; hard. After walking away from Kirk, who still was too stunned to say anything, she started to freak out. She hit a Commander! This was a major mistake, she could be discharged! How could she be so stupid as to let emotions get the better of her? Dammit, she was angry at Jim for that exact reason! Why was she so upset anyway?

Then it hit her. She was angry because Spock was in love with Jim, and he was treating him like scum, not caring about Spock's feelings. A Vulcan feeling love was so rare, and Kirk was willing to give that up and hurt him just because he was mourning. That slap was full of anger and disappointment, but mostly resentment at seeing Kirk throwing everything away. She regretted it immediately, but what was done… was done. Now she had to think about what to do if Kirk asked for her discharge.

Nyota decided to come clean with Spock. He had the right to know why she was probably going to be transferred.

“Spock, can I talk to you?” she asked politely.

“Of course,” he said, stepping aside to let her in.

Uhura sat near the desk, and Spock sat on the chair in front of her.

“I have to tell you something… I… I slapped Kirk.”

Spock lifted an eyebrow, as if he didn't believe what he'd just heard.

“You slapped Commander Kirk?”

“Yes.”

“May I ask why?” Spock sounded almost amused.

“He was being an idiot,” she shrugged.

“I do not believe that is a valid reason to hit a superior officer.” Spock blinked.

“Well… I did it anyway. I'm sorry, and I'll apologize to him too. I'm sure he already gave you his complaint.”

“As a matter of fact, he has not. If you had not told me about this incident, I probably would not be aware of it at all.”

What? Kirk didn't file a complaint against her? That was shocking.

“Then again, the Commander may have thought that unnecessary, as he is planning on transferring away from the Enterprise,” Spock said in a clipped tone.

“What?” Uhura frowned. Kirk was thinking about transferring? Why?

“He was very clear when he said he was waiting for the year to end to ask for his own ship. I suppose it is logical, he always desired the captaincy.”

This was what made Spock so depressed! Kirk was going away, and Spock couldn't deal with that. Kirk had ambitions, she was aware of that… but after hearing what Spock said, she had to admit she felt a little depressed. They had been working amazingly these past months, and he and Spock made a great team. Nyota doubted Spock could work as well with someone else. Mostly, they were falling in love, what was going to happen with that?

She couldn't let it happen. She had to stop Kirk, whatever the cost.

Scotty was having dinner by himself, as usual. He didn't gossip or spend time with the Bridge crew, he was fixated on sandwiches and machines. It was endearing in an odd sort of way.

“Miss Uhura,” Scotty greeted.

“Call me Nyota, Scotty, I've told you this.” She smiled as she sat down. She liked Scotty's exotic accent.

“Sorry, force of habit. Mister Spock likes formality,” Scotty said between bites.

“So, Scotty… have you heard what happened with Kirk?” She decided to get straight to the point.

“No… I haven't seen the Commander Captain in a while. Not after what happened with the lad, Riley.”

“Lucky you,” Nyota sneered. “I want to kick him in the nuts”

“That could be considered insubordination,” Scotty said calmly. “Is the Commander Captain mourning?”

“I guess… but he's acting like a jerk! You're lucky you're away from him. He'd probably make you feel like shit too.”

Nyota was venting, and at the risk of Scotty thinking she was crazy, she continued anyway. She trusted Scotty, even when they hadn't really interacted that much. There was something about the Scotsman that made her feel comfortable and secure. It was weird.

“Maybe.” Scotty shrugged. “We sometimes do hurtful things to those we care for most.”

He had a valid point; mistakes happen when you feel upset, like taking out all your frustrations on the ones who worry about you. However, Kirk could use McCoy as his stress release, he had no right to drag Spock into it. It wasn't fair to Spock.

It wasn't fair to McCoy either, but he was used to it.

“I still maintain that he's a jerk.” Nyota sighed, feeling slightly less annoyed about the situation.

“It would be rude of me to disagree with a lady,” Scotty smiled “but people can fix their own mistakes, like with machines. If someone messes up my equipment, then I drag that lad to fix it. You can't learn if you don't fix your own mess.”

Scotty had just said something so important that Uhura started wondering if he had missed his vocation as a counselor. She was fond of fixing everyone's mistakes, trying to help, and defending causes that had nothing to do with her. If Kirk and Spock were having problems, that didn't mean that she should jump in and fix them; she had to let them solve their own issues, like the big boys they were. They didn't need a mother, a caretaker or a protector… they needed a friend. And she'd overwhelmed Spock and neglected Kirk… in the end, she tried so hard to help others and be there for them that she forgot about herself. Riley's death had affected her too. He was becoming her friend, he was a bright kid… he was, in a lot of ways, like Gaila.

And Nyota had thought she could finally fill the void Gaila left in her life with the smart, enthusiastic kid. Now she knew: that void would never be filled, no matter how many Rileys appeared in her life.

She and Scotty kept talking, mostly about the picture McCoy sent around of Kirk in drag. She clarified to him that McCoy was using the term ‘miss’ very loosely, and Scotty laughed, saying that a gentleman never says anything inappropriate about a lady. She felt better after talking to the engineer; he had this ability to make her happy with jokes that he didn't even intend to make.

She was ready to apologize to Jim, who, surprisingly, took it very well. She was still taken aback because he wasn't filing any sort of reprimand. He looked like he thought he deserved the slap (he did, but she hardly was one who should throw the first stone), and they agreed to let things go.

Nyota hoped Jim fixed things with Spock… she didn't want to see either of them suffering.

She saw Spock in the Observation deck after dinner. He often went there when he was feeling confused.

“How are you?” Nyota asked, standing next to him.

“I am well,” Spock said in a monotone. Jim still hadn't talked to him, then.

“Be honest, Spock,” Nyota pleaded. “Maybe it will be good for you to say what's bothering you.”

“I admit it is disconcerting to lose a crewmember; we have not been in the mission long enough for the Enterprise to start losing members.”

“Being in Starfleet is a risk, we all knew that when we enlisted.”

“Sometimes I wonder…” Spock trailed off, and Nyota waited patiently. He was opening up, she could wait to see what was going on in his head. “… Mister Kirk has suffered losses his entire life, correct?”

“You mean his father? I hardly call that ‘his entire life’.”

“He never met him, that I believe is a loss to carry each day,” Spock theorized.

“Maybe. Jim seems okay, though. He doesn't talk about his dad, but he doesn't look that depressed over the subject.” Nyota knew she was lying. Gaila had told her Jim carried things he couldn't let go of; she assumed his father was one of those things. She wanted to make Spock feel better, so it didn't seem prudent to say that out loud.

“His father died, and now Mister Riley as well… and yet he chooses to serve. Is that not illogical?”

“You were the one who told Jim that you could die at any time, not necessarily in Starfleet; serving only increases the possibilities.”

“Perhaps he will decide he is better having a more… routine life.”

“You mean you think he's quitting? I don't think Jim would do that, Spock. I'm sure he'll come around eventually.”

“And if he does not?” Spock asked, looking at Nyota directly. She saw the sense of uncertainty in Spock's eyes. He was really worried about Jim leaving the Enterprise… about Jim leaving Spock forever.

She felt a small pang of hurt. Just because she had made peace with Spock falling for Kirk didn't mean she didn't feel sometimes envious of the connection those two were creating. It would have been so wonderful if Spock loved her like that, or at least looked at her with half as much interest as he looked at Jim. She wasn't the one, she got it; it was hard to realize that no matter how much you work to be perfect for someone, it's useless when that someone needs something else.

“He will… I know Jim, he just gets things slowly, emotions aren't exactly his forte.”

Spock inclined his head, blinking. Nyota knew he was smiling in his head.

“I'm sure everything will be okay,” Nyota said, and then she noticed Kirk standing near the entrance of the Observation deck. She left them alone, to work out their problems in private.

When she looked at Jim before she left the room, she patted him on the arm. When Jim looked back, she winked at him: _I step aside, he's all yours._

She hoped he got the message.

 

* * *

 

Nyota didn't like memorials since Gaila's death. Well, it wasn't like she had gone to many of them, but every once in a while Starfleet invited all members to attend a service for someone's father, brother, or son. This would be the first memorial she'd been to since Gaila's.

“Ready to go, Miss Uhura?” Scotty asked. For once, his uniform was completely clean.

“Come on, Scotty, don't make me beg. Call me Nyota.”

“Sorry, sorry.” Scotty smiled. “Like my uniform?”

“It looks different without the oil stains,” she admitted. It looked nice, and he looked very handsome.

“Aye, this is the formal uniform. Only for big things… do you want to go to the service with me?”

“Sure.”

They started walking, chatting about trivial things.

“Still wanting to kick the Commander Captain in the nuts?” Scotty smirked.

“Nah, he made amends. I'm saving it for the future though,” Nyota said with glee.

“I bet you are.” Scotty nodded.

They stayed together during the service. Nyota saw how surprised Jim was to see everyone there, like he was the only one who cared for Riley. As Admiral Komack was making his speech, Nyota felt a small rush of wind by her ear. Maybe her mother was right… maybe this was the way souls said goodbye.

 

* * *

 

A few days later, Jim was complaining about how his room was messy and his things were changing places without him touching them.

“I'm telling you, Bones. My room is haunted.”

“Yeah, stop drinking that,” McCoy snorted. “Just because it says alcohol on the label doesn't mean you have to drink it.”

“I talked with Rand and she says she doesn't move my things. This ship is haunted!”

“I hardly believe the Enterprise is ‘haunted’,” Spock intervened. “It probably has to do with your lack of organization.”

“Name one time when I've been disorganized,” dared Jim.

“The time you delivered the reports in the wrong order; you gave incorrect shifts to the yeomen because you had your files misplaced; you –”

“Okay, I said _one_ time, and also I fixed all those things,” Jim said sourly. “The point is that my room is haunted, no, the whole ship.”

“Well Jimbo, it could be Riley's way to mess with you.”

The entire table went silent after McCoy's comment. Nyota noticed how Spock went completely rigid.

“Yeah, the first thing Kevin is going to do after dying is come back here, when he's got … I don't know, Heaven, or somewhere else more interesting to be,” Jim snorted.

Nyota let out a breath. She'd been afraid of this topic, they'd only had a few days of getting back to normal and she was worried that McCoy was pushing Jim's boundaries. She should have known Leonard knew Jim well enough to risk making those comments.

“If you ask me, souls can't haunt people,” Nyota said. “But my mother used to say that souls send messages through the wind… to say goodbye.”

“That's stupid.” Jim shook his head.

“How is that stupid?” Nyota asked, confused.

“Well, it's just wind,” Jim shrugged.

“Yeah, but haunted rooms are realistic,” Nyota mocked.

“They could be!” Jim defended. “Haven't you read anything about ectoplasm?”

“I'm with Uhura on this one,” McCoy piped in. “Just clean your damn room.”

“Spock will side with me; you believe in that shit, right?”

Spock arched an eyebrow, while McCoy scoffed. He still wasn't used to seeing Jim turning to Spock for support. She could relate.

“You know, the souls haunting thing? Vulcans believe in souls.”

“And may I ask how you are aware of that piece of information about Vulcan culture?” Spock kept his eyebrow lifted.

“Um… I read a lot? You know, I like gossip, Vulcans are control freaks, it was a challenge…”

Nyota saw Spock blinking. He didn't believe Jim's excuse one bit. She didn't believe it either, and McCoy must be in the same boat, since he scoffed again, now with disbelief.

“We do believe in katras, which I assume is similar to the human concept of ‘souls’. However I am afraid I do not believe in souls in the general way you mean the term.”

“Why do you always side with everyone but me?” Jim pouted.

“I will ‘side with you’ when you make logical arguments. Haunted rooms and souls are by no means, rational.”

“Yeah, yeah…”

They kept discussing the possibility of Jim's room being haunted; Nyota felt comfortable, and even felt a sense of belonging. As if this was the right way: Jim and Spock together, with her and McCoy as their friends.

 

* * *

 

Serving in Starfleet was bound to screw her eventually. She had heard about weird missions, people disappearing and appearing years later, strange bacteria… she had heard it all. Except adults becoming children. That was a new kind of weird.

Jim wanted to tell Spock everything, but Nyota knew explaining to a child about how he was really an adult and overwhelming him with information wasn't the best course of action. She was a woman, she was more sensitive and she could deal better with Spock at this age. He had a human mother, it was natural for Nyota to connect with the child.

Or so she thought. Spock overheard their conversation (she had to admit she had been a little loud), and preferred Jim's honesty. Little Spock clung to Jim like a baby duck, and clearly felt safe with him. If seeing Spock as an adult being painfully oblivious about his new feelings for Jim was somewhat disconcerting and unpleasant, seeing Spock as a child showing how much he wanted to be with him without any restraint (by Vulcan standards, of course) was even worse.

She'd never had a chance. Jim would charm Spock no matter what the age.

Jim left Spock under her care while he went back to his room to sort things out. She hoped she would be able to connect with Spock now, but the kid wouldn't stop asking about Jim. It was unnerving, he only wanted Jim with him, and he even barged into McCoy's office when Leonard said he was making sure Jim was okay. She tried to stop him, but the kid was stronger than he looked. She should have known that, she was aware of Spock's strength; but she forgot when she saw him looking so innocent.

At least something positive had come out of their breakup… this wasn't weirder because of the romantic factor. If she had still been dating him, having him back as a child could have been… upsetting, for lack of a better word to explain how disturbing, weird and bizarre that would have been.

Jim took his sweet time coming back to Sickbay, and McCoy damaged a Tricoder to keep Spock busy. Oh, Jim would have his head, he was so touchy when things broke around the Enterprise; he was even worse than Scotty, who had once cried over a pair of wires. Yes, a pair of wires. The guy was very passionate about his machines. When Jim finally came to Sickbay to retrieve Spock, he asked to talk with her first.

“I need you to do me a favor,” Jim said quickly.

“Okay.” She nodded. She was a team player. If Jim needed something, in the current situation, she would probably do it.

“I need you to go to Spock's room and hide everything that could lead to the kid finding out about what happened.”

“What?” She wasn't expecting this. “Why me?”

“You're his ex-girlfriend, and you're his best friend. He trusts you… and you're the only one who can do it. Please, Uhura,” Jim implored.

He had a point. But the thought of going through Spock's personal items made her uncomfortable, they'd never been that intimate. She reluctantly agreed, and asked for the security code (contrary to common belief, she wasn't aware of every detail in Spock's life) and went to the room, wondering how hard it would be.

It wasn't that weird after all; the whole ‘my ex-boyfriend is a child’ dilemma was still the top one. She saw a small chess piece in one of the corners on the desk. She held it, smiling sadly. It was the piece that started all, when Spock found out Jim played chess, and when they started spending time together and sharing anecdotes. It was the piece little Amanda had with her when Jim tried to teach her how to play chess. Spock kept it, like it was a treasure. Perhaps it was, for him; a reminder of the baby who brought him and Jim together.

A memento of their daughter.

Jim made a mistake. At least, that was what she gathered from his ranting as Leonard checked Spock's vitals while he lay unconscious on the bed.

“I fucked up, I fucked up,” Jim kept babbling.

“Calm down.” Nyota touched his arm gently. “I'm sure it's not that bad.”

“He knows, okay! I was stupid enough to leave a picture of the memorial wall in plain sight! He knows his mother is dead!”

Nyota's eyes widened. This was why she didn't want to tell Spock anything! He must be so traumatized, Amanda was the only good thing in Spock's childhood, the only source of love and comfort… she was everything to Spock.

“At least he doesn't know about Vulcan, right?” McCoy interceded.

“Not helping, Bones!” Jim snapped.

“He knows,” Nyota said. “Now what?”

“I… I had a thought about what could be the thing… his true nature.”

“Okay…” Now even McCoy seemed interested.

“They said Spock had to find his true nature. Spock always denies his human side… maybe if he accepts it, he can change back.”

It made sense. Jim was a genius, yet he acted really stupid sometimes. They agreed to wait for Spock to wake up; he would call Nyota if she was needed.

And she was needed really quick. She was trying to set things right with the documents for Starfleet when she was called.

“Your turn,” Jim said sadly as he left the room.

“Is he upset?” Nyota asked.

“He hates me. Hopefully you'll have more luck.”

Hopefully. She nodded, trying to look sympathetic, and entered the room. Spock was sitting on the bed, looking rather miserable.

“Hi, Spock. May I sit?” she asked politely.

Spock didn't answer; she decided to take that as a yes. She kept a prudent distance between them, to avoid making Spock more uncomfortable than he already was.

“I grieve with thee,” she said quietly.

Spock snapped his head up to look at Nyota, surprised.

“How did you know about that?” Spock asked.

“We are friends, remember?” She looked at him sweetly.

“I do not have any friends,” Spock said curtly, looking back at the wall.

“You have friends, Spock. And friends make mistakes; I know you're hurt, but …”

“I am not hurt,” Spock snapped. “Death is a natural event in weaker races like humans.”

“Vulcans die as well.”

“Not as easily or as soon as humans. Humans are weak and useless. They die…”

And leave their loved ones alone. Nyota understood the unspoken words; she'd felt the same way when Gaila died.

“You are human, Spock, it's a part of you. Perhaps a tiny part, but still, it's there with you…”

“I am not human. I embraced the Vulcan teachings and I am Vulcan. I am not weak. Please, leave the room and contact my father.”

Nyota was familiar with that tone. It was the cold tone adult Spock used when he gave an order that wasn't open for discussion.

“You are not perfect, Spock. You are human, whether you like it or not.”

She stood up, walking away to deliver the news. She had not succeeded, and they would have to contact Spock's father to take him back home; if such thing existed at this point.

 

* * *

 

Jim sacrificed his wish to get Spock back. Nyota had zero doubts about his devotion to Spock at this point. He could have had his father, Kevin or even Gaila, and he chose to bring back Spock. She'd feared this wouldn't work and Spock would be stuck as a kid forever… or at least until he grew up again (it was confusing), but when she saw Spock coming out of the chamber, she felt like she was breathing for the first time since this mission started. She couldn't help it, she ran into Spock's arms, hugging him tightly.

She had her friend back; she wasn't alone anymore.

Nyota glanced up to see if Jim was coming over to them to congratulate Spock or something, but he was just watching them with a melancholy look on his face. Oh, she hoped he wasn't misinterpreting this, it was just a friendly hug! Before she could call to him, he beamed up, disappearing quickly.

With Spock back to normal and remembering nothing about the mission, the Enterprise was celebrating; she would clarify things with Jim later.

The next day, during lunch, Spock sat with her.

“Good afternoon, Nyota.”

“Hi Spock. How are you?”

“I am well. The past four days must have been interesting.”

“Yeah, interesting is about right.”

“Nyota… if I may… did you share any personal information with Mister Kirk?”

“What?” She looked at Spock with a frown.

“I am not reproaching you, I am aware of the extraordinary circumstances you were facing.”

“So you think I gossiped with Jim? What the hell, Spock?” She was pissed. Like Spock didn't know her!

“I apologize, I did not mean any affront, I was just merely curious,” Spock tried to back track.

“Curious about what?”

“If I recall correctly, Doctor McCoy said that Mister Kirk ‘ended my childish rant’ by touching my hands. I am sure the Commander was not aware of the meaning of the gesture…”

“So you think I said something,” Nyota finished. Well, it made sense now. McCoy always spilled more information than necessary.

“I apologize once more; I should have known you never share information.”

“Jim said he read about Vulcans when we talked about souls. Maybe that information was also in the data.”

“Perhaps.”

Spock didn't seem too sure, and Nyota was intrigued as well. There was something about the way Jim was acting around Spock that showed a certain closeness, which was surprising given the small amount of time they'd spent together.

There was more to this, and she was going to find out what it was.

During dinner time, Spock and Jim started arguing about the next mission, while McCoy snorted and Nyota observed carefully. Yes, there was something deep here; Spock lifted his eyebrow and Jim laughed. Nyota laughed as well. She may no longer believe in Prince Charming (not after Spock), but as she watched Jim and Spock interacting, she did believe in soul mates.

Strange as it sounded, that gave her hope of finding her own soul mate one day.

Maybe in the future… she would find the Kirk to her Spock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading, I hope you enjoyed this Interlude. 
> 
> For those who wonder how many chapters this fic will have, the answer is ten (however let’s remember that I suck at keeping them short, so each chapter is about 30,000 or 50,000 words). 
> 
> Let’s all thank my wonderful beta Anbessette, who keeps being amazing and patient, helping me out with these long and bizarre chapters.
> 
> Also, I'm on tumblr now, if anyone is interested: 
> 
> http://itsblasttothepast.tumblr.com/
> 
> I love self-pimping. All right, moving on.

**Author's Note:**

> A while ago I tried to fulfill the prompt on the KinkMeme about Spock being Captain and Jim being his First Officer. Somehow the fic took life of its own, and here is the result. Thanks to the amazing Anbessette who helped me with the beta. Thank you for reading!


End file.
